Moving home in the morning, can't sleep

[youareanobody]

Tomorrow is the day I finally move in to my own house after spending the last 9 months sleeping on a mattress in the spare room. (In hindsight I should really have sorted a bed, however I didn't want to invest when I wasn't sure of what I'd like for my new bedroom. Thinking about it now it's bizarre!)

I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment. I haven't felt any excitement at all, only anxiety and stress. I cried my eyes out today.

DH have been together 10 years and married for 6 years but basically separated at the end of December. Main issue is his relationship with my 16yo DD; they absolutely hate each other. There's a huge backstory in that DD was involved in an incident with her Dad 4 years ago and my DH reported it to the police. DD has never forgiven him as she blamed him for being unable to see her Dad for a couple of years. (Her dad was violent towards her and SW advised we keep her away).

Since then their relationship completely deteriorated and the strain just took its toll on our marriage. He started drinking every night (at least 1 night per week binge drinking) and things spiralled. DD was bitter towards him, and he eventually snapped under the strain and basically was unable to hide his feelings for her. Shouting, name calling, unreasonable strictness.

I'm not blameless in this either. I have a history of anxiety and depression and this was exacerbated as a result of all of this. I struggled to cope with my home being a battleground and would either isolate myself or my anxiety would be such that I would be short tempered. I found my respect for him gradually lessening as I saw how he treated my DD and in turn me.

Whenever they argued they would both expect me to take a side. If I tried to reason with them and explain that one of them shouldn't have said / done something, then that person would be furious with me. It felt as though no matter what I done there was always going to be someone angry at me. Walking away and letting them sort it out didn't work either as DH expected me to back him up. I felt like running away from my life numerous times.

I should point out that my DD has diagnosed anxiety and bulimia and is undergoing the slow process of a Neurodevelopmental Assessment due to some of her behaviours.

The strain has been unbearable.

DH bought our house before we married but when we were together. Mortgage in his name and he bought it with a view to it being our family home. Been here 8 years. He paid the deposit then we halved everything else. I went through a period of having to work part time due to childcare and paid a lower percentage towards mortgage and bills to reflect that but have paid full half for about 5 years now.

DH refused to move so I started looking for somewhere in February and then lockdown hit. Finally able to view houses in June(?) and finally moving tomorrow after a lengthy mortgage process due to Covid. The only furniture I'm taking is all my DDs bedroom furniture and my dressing table. I'm buying / have bought everything else and I'm also leaving all of the appliances, cutlery, crockery etc. I've spent the last couple of days going up and down to the house to clean, start moving things over, buying stuff such as hoover etc and lugging it over. I asked DH if he could go in to the loft to bring out anything of mine...you should have seen the look on his face I've honestly been through the ringer with this whole process start to finish, from viewing houses, the mortgage application process, solicitor fees, date of entry being pushed back again and again, packing up about 20 boxes. I ran around this evening doing all the last minute things while he sat on the sofa with a beer.

DD is distraught at the thought of moving. We're literally moving a few minutes drive away so she will stay at same school and actually be closer to the majority of her friends. She has made my life a living hell over this. Calling me selfish, horrible etc. I picked up the keys on Friday and when I took her round she literally picked apart every single thing She's been a nightmare all day and evening, and DH has had a go at me for not fighting for our marriage.

Sorry for the really long post. Not sure what I'm looking for from this. I guess I just needed to write this down somewhere as I'm feeling so deflated with it all. I know I'm doing the right thing but have felt really sad about it all lately. Plus DD is making things so difficult

I'm hoping that one day I'll feel content.

Couldn’t read and run, it’s hard now but keep going, nothing stays the same forever, I think you will one day be content.

Thanks for your reply (and getting through that epic OP ).

Love your username btw!

I'm just feeling so apprehensive and also a little bit sick with anxiety about tomorrow. Or should I say 7 hours time when the removal firm arrives!

I keep going round in my head if I should have tried harder. Maybe. But I couldn't watch his treatment of my DD any longer, so I do know I'm doing the right thing. At some of my lowest points due to depression when I took to my bed, he'd tell her that if I killed myself it would be her fault

I don't know what happened to him. He was the sweetest, most mild mannered person I'd met.

I hope today has gone ok for you and finally brings you some peace x

You've made the right decision.

I'm sure today has been tough and exhausting, but try to think of it as your opportunity to write the next chapter of your family life.

Hiya, just checking in. I'm absolutely exhausted!

Thanks for the replies and for reassuring me I've done the right thing.

Today has been a rollercoaster for sure! From a practical sense, cannot fault the removal company, the guys worked their socks off and I was so impressed

My DD moaned about EVERYTHING though! The stairs creak, the light is too bright, the bathroom sink is smaller, she hates the blinds in her room....and on and on. Absolutely relentless tbh. She had a huge tantrum and announced she'd be moving to her dads once he's out of isolation on Wednesday as she can't possibly live in the new house as it's So Awful! Her bedroom is the only room in the house that looks presentable, more than presentable actually. A couple of boxes to be unpacked though. The rest of the house is upside down

Was tough this morning saying goodbye to DH. Said goodbye to the dogs shed tears for the dogs but not him. He's insisted on keeping them, and tbh the dogs are his life and he's definitely their favourite (he takes them on hikes on a regular basis as opposed to standard walks, and spoils them with treats. They get spoiled with cuddles by me) It would have been cruel taking them away from him and it would've been cruel to them too.

Anyway.... I said my goodbyes to him this morning. Popped back to the house once removal firm left so I could hoover the spare room and DDs room. He'd asked that I put my key through letterbox when I left. I did however I left my bag and purse inside!! Had my car key, phone and new house key on me though so not too much hassle, however I couldn't buy any food! So our farewells didn't last long!! I'll still see him in passing though as I'll still walk the dogs every so often.

Anyway sorry again for the essay. Today has been long as stressful and my back is so sore. We'll see what happens from here on in.

Hope you’re ok op x

Hello, I’m up in the middle of the night packing things into boxes ready for a van on Wednesday.

Different details to my story but alcohol the big similarity. Shedding a few tears right now. Little kid with additional needs asleep now but woke up an hour ago and came to look for me. I’m dismantling my life.

Thank you greeneyes
*
StartingOver* I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, it's shit. That is definitely a good way to describe it...dismantling your life. I don't know your background but the alcohol for me was a deal breaker. Especially when he was just unable to stop no matter how it made me feel

My DH would binge drink regularly, causing him to fall up the stairs, fall down the stairs, vomit in bathroom right next to my DDs bedroom (she heard him). He's fallen asleep in the bathroom, passed out on sofa, broken so many glasses as they slipped from him hand when he fell asleep. His mood also changed when drinking, unsurprisingly. He'd become extremely attention seeking when drinking- stripping off in front of his friends and family, putting traffic cones on cars in the street, climbing out of first floor windows; stealing street signs and large plants from outside restaurants then bringing them home. His friends and family would find all this hilarious and egg him on.

But apparently I was the one with the issue and needed to lighten up.

During lockdown he drank even more. I counted up the units from one night by looking at the empty bottles of spirits, beer and wine. Over 90 units one week I begged him to seek help but he refused.

I hope you're ok starting? Where are you moving to? Your own place or to a relative or friends? What does your OH say about you leaving?

Oh that was a bold fail!

Sending love OP. I was in an almost identical situation until two years ago. I love my new house and DS is a lot better for not being treated badly at home (although there is still fall out from it, which he’s seeking help for).
I know it’s really hard and raw right now, but ultimately DD will thank you for putting her first.
Look after yourself too. It’s utterly exhausting, but you will get there x

Well done. It sounds like once the new house is sorted, your life is going to get much better.

@youareanobody I'm in awe of your bravery and courage! I really hope you're doing well and one day soon find the peace and contentment you and your daughter so deserve

Hi FDSConvert thanks for your message.

I don't feel very brave at the moment this is my 4th night in the new house and finally sleeping in my own bed! An actual bed and not just a mattress! And I built the bed myself! It took my almost 9 hours on and off to build it but I got there in the end. Cried through most of it as I just felt so useless!

This is the first night my DD has spent here. She's been at her gran's each night staying over as she couldn't face being here (Covid police stay away, please). But tonight she is here and it's a start.

I've had so many mixed emotions. Especially today and this evening. Wondering if I've made a mistake. My DH was the most wonderful man but in recent years he'd changed. Lost patience, drinking more. I don't blame him though, between my poor MH and my DD's ever more unruly behaviour.

I think I just need a lot of time to adjust, even though I'd been planning this since January.

I still need to work up the courage to broach our finances. We had separate bank accounts as he is self employed...a lot of money going in and out etc. I just don't know how to raise it?

Only £40k equity in house and a loan with about £3k left to pay. I took DDs bedroom furniture and my dressing table. Left all the other furniture and kitchen items. Bought all own. Whenever is tried to discuss finances he has reminded me that he laid the deposit (13k) and that he paid most of the mortgage and bills for a few years, as I could only work very part time due to childcare. DD is (was?) his step daughter. Solicitor has suggested we discuss in the first instance before bringing her in.

I have so much admiration for you.

@youareanobody that is amazing! I wouldn't have been able to make a bed all on my own! Give yourself some major credit and a pat on the back your DD is probably feeling like she needs to adjust as well to a new environment, it's great that she's come over, positive steps in the right direction!

Regarding finances, I know it has to be brought up but could you give yourself a bit of breathing space? It's been a major upheaval in your life and it might be good to be able to have a little pause to take stock? Would the solicitor be able to advise you on how to broach the subject if you laid out all the costs of furniture and the deposit situation? Sending positive vibes for today!

You are an inspiration to us. It may not feel like it yet, but your strength in creating a safe space for your daughter is impressive.

Don't expect her to realise this for many, many years. But eventually, she will see what you have done for her. And yourself.

Well done. Please remember to give yourself credit for acting responsibly in a difficult situation. All the very best

Thank you very much for your kind messages, they've been lovely to read.

Another strange day with feeling weird about things. Seemed as though every song that came on in the car was to do with break-ups and missing people

Another difficult day with DD and flat pack fails but I had a lovely evening when DD went to stay over with her dad and I chilled out with Netflix and a glass of wine. I literally spent 9 months living in the spare room to avoid DH. Now I have a whole house to wander round

We'll see what the weekend brings.

You give me hope OP, thank you.
It sounds like you are doing amazingly well

Hope you are having a restful weekend!

Thanks! I'm actually working from home today, strange being in a different environment!

I've made an interesting observation. I've had a glass of wine each evening since I moved to the new house (wine gifted by neighbours). It's been absolutely lovely to chill on the sofa with a glass, and I realised I cannot remember the last time I done that. I had only had something to drink in the past if it was an occasion, never to just relax at home. I'm thinking this was because I never wanted to encourage DH to drink with me.

He'd drink most evenings after work (whether it be one bottle of beer or 1x bottle of wine with 6x beers and some rum!) There always had to be alcohol in some form. However he could never admit to himself he had a problem because he has a very physical job, is very active and can run marathons.

I would absolutely dread Thursday and in to the weekend as this is when he'd binge drink. Even though he works in a Friday, he would say that because it was his last day at work it didn't matter if he was tired

My DD has asked if we can have the dogs over for a bit once I'm finished work. I miss my dogs terribly but I really don't want to see (ex? estranged?) DH.

Hi, just wanted to say how much I admire you for putting your DD first. It's obviously been hard and very emotional but your DD is so lucky to have such a strong mum.

Enjoy your wine and Netflix, you so deserve it xx

Hi gottalove thanks for your message.

My DD certainly doesn't see it that way at the moment but as a PP pointed out, she may recognise in a few years time that this is the best thing to do.

She was absolutely vile to me last night over the house move. When I asked if she was planning to punish me forever she replied that she was! I know she'll come round but it's very difficult at the moment.

I actually can't wait to put my feet up with a small glass of wine and the last episode of "Emily In Paris"....don't judge it's pure brain fluff however I am very much appreciating it at the moment and not having to concentrate too much! Tasks around the house can wait until my next day off on on Wednesday.

Tomorrow marks one week since I left.

Well DD went right ahead and text DH to ask if we could have the dogs. She was ignored so she'd asked me to message him.

Messaged him but he told me he wanted us both to leave him alone as he's hurting. And when he does agree to us having them, I've to do the collecting and dropping off. This isn't a big deal to me...my old house is literally 4-5 minutes away in the car.

This is classic him, trying proving a point and take a stance. When he had issues with DDs dad, he refused to do any of the driving to take her over or pick her up. I wasn't able to drive for a couple of years due to seizures so I couldn't do any of the driving. I was completely embarrassed by his total refusal. And this is him making a point once again. "Because I'm the one who left, I should be the one to do the driving for the dogs".

I said it was fine, would just get in touch in a few weeks, but he replied saying I can go pick them up tonight

And DD has just come downstairs having another go at me about the move. I'm drained. Feel as though everyone is just pissed off at me

@youareanobody ( by the way you should change that very untrue username )
I appreciate

Aagghh bloody phone posted without me.
OP i appreciate that your DD has been through a lot but honestly she should have a little more respect for you and what you have put up with and managed to pull off in providing a new home.
I know teens are generally selfish and self centred but she needs a good talking to. Could her nan or dad help with this?