Moving home in the morning, can't sleep

[youareanobody]

Tomorrow is the day I finally move in to my own house after spending the last 9 months sleeping on a mattress in the spare room. (In hindsight I should really have sorted a bed, however I didn't want to invest when I wasn't sure of what I'd like for my new bedroom. Thinking about it now it's bizarre!)

I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment. I haven't felt any excitement at all, only anxiety and stress. I cried my eyes out today.

DH have been together 10 years and married for 6 years but basically separated at the end of December. Main issue is his relationship with my 16yo DD; they absolutely hate each other. There's a huge backstory in that DD was involved in an incident with her Dad 4 years ago and my DH reported it to the police. DD has never forgiven him as she blamed him for being unable to see her Dad for a couple of years. (Her dad was violent towards her and SW advised we keep her away).

Since then their relationship completely deteriorated and the strain just took its toll on our marriage. He started drinking every night (at least 1 night per week binge drinking) and things spiralled. DD was bitter towards him, and he eventually snapped under the strain and basically was unable to hide his feelings for her. Shouting, name calling, unreasonable strictness.

I'm not blameless in this either. I have a history of anxiety and depression and this was exacerbated as a result of all of this. I struggled to cope with my home being a battleground and would either isolate myself or my anxiety would be such that I would be short tempered. I found my respect for him gradually lessening as I saw how he treated my DD and in turn me.

Whenever they argued they would both expect me to take a side. If I tried to reason with them and explain that one of them shouldn't have said / done something, then that person would be furious with me. It felt as though no matter what I done there was always going to be someone angry at me. Walking away and letting them sort it out didn't work either as DH expected me to back him up. I felt like running away from my life numerous times.

I should point out that my DD has diagnosed anxiety and bulimia and is undergoing the slow process of a Neurodevelopmental Assessment due to some of her behaviours.

The strain has been unbearable.

DH bought our house before we married but when we were together. Mortgage in his name and he bought it with a view to it being our family home. Been here 8 years. He paid the deposit then we halved everything else. I went through a period of having to work part time due to childcare and paid a lower percentage towards mortgage and bills to reflect that but have paid full half for about 5 years now.

DH refused to move so I started looking for somewhere in February and then lockdown hit. Finally able to view houses in June(?) and finally moving tomorrow after a lengthy mortgage process due to Covid. The only furniture I'm taking is all my DDs bedroom furniture and my dressing table. I'm buying / have bought everything else and I'm also leaving all of the appliances, cutlery, crockery etc. I've spent the last couple of days going up and down to the house to clean, start moving things over, buying stuff such as hoover etc and lugging it over. I asked DH if he could go in to the loft to bring out anything of mine...you should have seen the look on his face I've honestly been through the ringer with this whole process start to finish, from viewing houses, the mortgage application process, solicitor fees, date of entry being pushed back again and again, packing up about 20 boxes. I ran around this evening doing all the last minute things while he sat on the sofa with a beer.

DD is distraught at the thought of moving. We're literally moving a few minutes drive away so she will stay at same school and actually be closer to the majority of her friends. She has made my life a living hell over this. Calling me selfish, horrible etc. I picked up the keys on Friday and when I took her round she literally picked apart every single thing She's been a nightmare all day and evening, and DH has had a go at me for not fighting for our marriage.

Sorry for the really long post. Not sure what I'm looking for from this. I guess I just needed to write this down somewhere as I'm feeling so deflated with it all. I know I'm doing the right thing but have felt really sad about it all lately. Plus DD is making things so difficult

I'm hoping that one day I'll feel content.

Hi indie

Trust me, I know she's being disrespectful and very difficult. She has diagnosed anxiety and bulimia, and is under investigation for potential Aspergers.

She doesn't deal very well with big changes. When I say big changes I mean things such as trying a new restaurant, going somewhere new and even when we got a new sofa. The d one was practically destroyed by the dogs but she caused such a stink about getting a new one. She did settle eventually but she caused mayhem for a little while.

Moving home and leaving her stepdad are massive changes for her. Her vomiting has increased despite my best efforts to monitor. And when she feels anxious it comes out as anger. She's under the care of CAMHS and also social services (as she can lack the ability to recognise the danger she can put herself in at times...not keeping in touch when out, not telling me where she is, not coming home). It's tough.

She has stayed with her dad or gran most nights since we moved on Monday. It's going to take her a long time to settle and she'll need help from the CAMHS team involved.

It's definitely making things so much more difficult but I just need to ride it out

Youareanobody
I can really relate to your situation. Almost identical here but our issues were my son who is now 23 .. I was married to a lovely man for ten years but the teenage years with my son were hard . Really hard.. with me in the middle trying to keep everyone happy.. DH felt unsupported by me, . Like I always took my (sons) side .. By the time DS was 17 DH had started to drink a bottle of wine a night. He says it was because he doesn't feel like he is ever listened too or his views /opinions allowed to be aired.

Long long story short - his drinking continued until last year and with my youngest doing final year of A levels and conflict still in the house (much lower level with DD but add the alcohol ) - I just knew we needed more peace.

We moved last September. It has been so hard. We love our home . It is so peaceful. DD is much happier..

DH was devastated. It was the jolt he needed to get a grip. We are rebuilding our marriage. He is 7 months sober.. rebuilding with all the DC because- the stroppy teen has become a mature young man and DD only really had an issue with the drinking..

DD deferred this year - but I have told them all that my DH and I will be living together next year when she goes to uni.. he and I also deserve a life but fuck me it's hard enough with teenagers - let alone one with MH issues.

Meanwhile, I get to date DH and make effort with our relationship away from children.

Thanks bailey for sharing your story. I honestly don't think the same will happen with me unfortunately. I just can't see it happening both my DD and DH are extremely stubborn.

I'd love nothing more than to just go back in time, where DH and I could work together as a strong team against the teenage years.

I love him and miss him so much I know his behaviour and drinking wasn't good but he is a good man. The stress of life just took its toll on him and changed him

My DD didn't stay here last night. I spent the evening flicking through the TV channels. I settled for Judy (about Judy Garland...was really sad and focussed on her loneliness towards the end of her life). Not a great choice.

DD isn't staying here tonight either, wants to stay with her dad again as she hates our new house and me apparently.

I had to message DH about something I'm giving him, and I just miss him so much. DD is right...I've made a huge mistake and I'm going to end up alone. I know it's only been 8 days but it's dawned on me that I hate this new house too. I just want my old life back. Really struggling and very few of my friends have checked in to see how I am.

I don't think this topic is very busy so I don't even know who I'm talking to

Hope things are starting to work out for you. Stick with it, it will get better.

Fresh start for you now. It doesn’t sound like you could have tried any harder in all honesty. It needed your husband to try harder to get along with his step daughter.
You have put her first as you needed to and that’s admirable. So it must feel so hard that she’s being difficult. Sounds like she’s having a hard time herself and is acting out.
I hope your new home will be really cosy for you both and there will be brighter times ahead x

I'm here listening! I may not have the right words to say, but just so you know I'm here I think because everything is so raw and new that you haven't fully adjusted yet- do you have any real life friends who you could speak to on facetime? There's also an app called insight timer that has lots of free meditation music or guided meditations that may help quiet your thoughts, different lengths depending on how long you need. Hope this helps even a little

You'reanobody , I would not say never. You love him and he loves you. Those are the essential ingredients.

You just have to take it slowly. Very slowly. I didn't leave and then just move in with him a couple of days a week.. it took months of little messages, phone calls, meeting up for coffee, then spending the time together.. have only been staying at his for the last two months one or two times a week.

I have laid it on the line with the kids. I am also entitled to a life with the man I love. He is a good man. Good to me and was also very kind to them.

My sons behaviour was not good but I'm his mother so had to prioritise him. He has grown up to the extent that he has actually apologised for his behaviour but it it's taken him 4 years to get to that point. But too much water under the bridge to make it the harmonious home that DD needs. So again I prioritised her and moved with her.

In a years time she will be at Uni . DS and Older DD also long gone to their own homes. I will not be sitting in my new home staring at the four walls alone. DH and I will be back under the same roof.. I hope (he obviously has a say in this but I am pretty sure it's what he wants too. )

Do your best as a mother. By all means compromise whilst your daughter is your responsibility but their comes a time when she will also be leaving /grown up enough to understand that whilst she doesn't love her SF - you do.. and have the right to happiness.

Thank you everyone and sorry for my pity party earlier, was having a very dark moment.

I honestly can't see us reconciling in the future. DD is only 16 and I can't see him waiting that long. I'd suggested that perhaps in the future we could be a couple who are together but don't live in the same house. He'd made it clear he's an "all or nothing" person. He can be extremely stubborn so I know he'll not change his mind on it.

It's so difficult because I done this with my DD wry much in mind but she doesn't want to be in the new house with me. She ignored my texts and calls today, then unexpectedly came home as she didn't have everything she needed over at her dads. She's made it quite clear she's getting how early to get showered and go back out again, with everything she needs for another couple of days.

I don't know what else I can do. Feel as though they're both pissed right off at me

Thanks again for everyone's advice.

Your daughter is nearly an adult (albeit with "extra needs" excuse the term) - is there any extra support that you could be receiving from charities or the council for her behaviour? This is the ideal time to work on yourself so that if you are ever ready to reconcile you would be better equipped and stronger could your daughter permanently move in with her grandma or for a period of time while you and your husband figure out what you both want? If you do decide to get back together your daughter will have to respect this but equally your husband will need to respect your daughter. If this means they hardly interact then this may be the way it has to be. I understand that you say it won't happen between you and your husband but never say never!

Hi FDS.

I have spoken with DDs dad and he is happy to have her live with him, however my DD has refused. I cannot physically force her.

Her grandparents (her dad's parents) have said it's not their job, which is true.

DD is under the care of a SW who is lovely, but had offered advice on the day to day as opposed to big decisions. She too has suggested that her DF take her more often, but if DD refuses then what can I do?

I feel as though I'm throwing objections up at every idea offered here, sorry! Trust me when I say I've went over and over in my mind every scenario.

I don't want my DD to move out. In an ideal world I'd have loved nothing more than for myself, DH and DD to have treated each other with respect. I've lived a life where DD and DH barely interact and it was awful. Silence at dinner time, them both avoiding each other, unable to do family stuff. I'd rather be alone than live like that.

I'm feeling a little stronger today. Pity party over for now. I've been off work and pottering round the new house. Removing picture hooks and filling the holes (previous owners appear to have LOVED lots of wall hangings!) So I've been kept busy.

Courage OP!
About your dd. She is lashing out at the one person who has been a constant through her life. I think the reactions she is displaying is a normal reaction for any 16 year old.
Easy for me to say behind this remote laptop.
If she wants to treat the new house as a hotel, well, so be it. You can only give her time to adjust.
You have done so well op. You put your dd first. She just doesn't realise it yet.
Sending you virtual support!

I understand, no need to apologise, I can't imagine how much stress you must be under at this point in time. As pp above stated, your daughter is lashing out at the one stable person in her life. It sounds as though she wants to cause you the most amount of annoyance and pain as she is feeling. Eventually once she knows you'll always be there she will come around I'm sure I'm so glad you've been able to potter about and you're feeling stronger, sending more positive vibes that it continues