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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I've woken up and smelt the coffee

48 replies

IveNameChanged2020 · 21/09/2020 19:36

I've name changed and posting here for traffic because I need your help please.

I've been in this awful relationship since I was a teenager. We later married (17 yrs ago) and have two nearly grown children. The relationship has been abusive from the get go - early on physical but that's petered out. Definitely emotional.

Despite me having an outwardly successful career (breadwinner and main carer) I'm anxiety ridden (to the point I've had to go hospital from panic attacks) from this relationship.

I woke up yesterday and am certain I've had enough. I no longer need to rely on the pittance he contributes (both monetary and effort). He threatens me with the children (they're not his, he'll get paternity tests etc) and now the fact he'll take the house from me. This is what has stopped me acting before. I was raised on a council estate (nothing wrong with that) but I've worked my fucking ass off to get us on the property ladder and I'm the one who's single handedly paid for every single thing in this house. I'm now being told I can't replace the broken dishwasher or fix the leaking bathroom as any workmen will be met with abuse?!

I live in London so if we were forced to sell and split the equity I wouldn't be able to get back on the property ladder here.

I need your help to make this happen for me. Im so scared. Will I lose the house? We're joint tenants with my deposit protected via a trust in deed (I'm sure that's not what it's called). I know the starting point is 50/50 but can he force me not buying the house (it will be over his dead body I'm told). I earn more than enough to make this happen - he doesn't.

I'm shaking as I'm writing this as I just want to stay in my home alone with my children. I know I need to speak to a good solicitor (where do I even start finding one).

After being here for so many years, reading your stories I think I've found my feet.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 21/09/2020 19:48

God so sorry I'm not a legal property expert. Hope someone comes along soon with great advice for you. Just didn't want to read and run. Wishing you all the luck with the future though you sound like you deserve it. Flowers

Carpathian2 · 21/09/2020 19:55

You can do this! Firstly I would contact woman's aid ( or similar charity in your area, a quick google will show what's available). They will talk you through your options and recommend a good lawyer who's a specialist in DV law. Please don't leave unless you're in immediate danger, it'll be difficult to get back into the house. Get all important paperwork, insurance passports etc together and leave with someone you trust.

Also, please don't tell him what you're planning until you have stuff in place. Abuse usually ramps up once they realise they're losing control and you need to protect yourself and ds. You've got the law on your side.

Good luck, keep posting here if it helps. We're all behind youThanks

carly2803 · 21/09/2020 20:05

you CAN do this!!

get a shit hot solicitor, get some free advice etc

start looking forward to a new life!

cheapskatemum · 21/09/2020 20:11

Congratulations, you have made a great decision. I second what Carpathian2 said: contact Women’s Aid, they give lots of brilliant advice. Good luck! Flowers

Original poster
IveNameChanged2020 · 21/09/2020 20:22

Thank you Thanks does anyone have any experience of being in my position and can help advise on the likely outcome?

OP posts:
Bubbaella · 21/09/2020 20:26

Well done for making that first step and admitting to yourself that you need to leave.

Research lawyers who specialise in domestic violence and see if any of them do the free 30 mins consultation. Contact women’s aid. Try and get as much outside support as you can because it won’t be an easy break. Don’t leave the house under any circumstances until you’ve had legal advice.

Practically, sort out finances, make sure you have your own bank account, passports, get all paperwork together. Keep everything in one, safe, place. Definitely keep things under the radar, especially as he’s been physical before.

Be prepared and stay strong. You can do this!

TreadLightly3 · 21/09/2020 20:30

I just wanted to say good for you OP!!! You can do this! Smile

Minimumstandard · 21/09/2020 20:34

You need legal advice, but if your DC are still living at home, you may not have to sell the house for a few years so long as you can afford to keep up the mortgage payments yourself.

Well done for deciding to leave... You are going to do so well for yourself without this useless idiot dragging you down. Even if you eventually have to, selling the house may not be the traumatic experience you are envisaging... It might be lovely in the end to have somewhere totally untainted that's new and completely yours.

Selling the house may not be as scary as you think. There are

Afibtomyboy · 21/09/2020 20:36

* He threatens me with the children (they're not his, he'll get paternity tests etc) *

So he thinks he’s the father but he’s not?

percheron67 · 21/09/2020 20:40

Good luck to you. Please take legal advice before even telling him what you have in mind. Also, DO NOt leave the property - i was talked into doing this by my husband who said "for the marriage to go on we need to live separately and sort things". I was so surprised with his moves that i did everything to please him and hoped it would work out. He already had someone else, played me for a fool and i lost almost everything. I know you will not be so silly.

Anxiousmess01 · 21/09/2020 20:41

The only want to force a sale is by him taking you to court which is very costly and time consuming. Even then, if you can afford to buy him out you can do that! Even a judge can’t make you sell up completely if you can afford the remortgage for his share.
He sounds like he’ll threaten anything though so take anything he says with a pinch of salt and see a solicitor.
Good luck op, sounds like you’re making the right decision.

madroid · 21/09/2020 20:43

I'm now being told I can't replace the broken dishwasher or fix the leaking bathroom as any workmen will be met with abuse?
Call his bluff if you want to. I guarantee when met with a tradesperson coming to the house he'll be polite. It will all be about saving face.

I think you can't force him to accept you buying him out. I think you can force the sale of the house as a marital asset that needs to be split. Buying somewhere else may be the sacrifice you have to make to end it with him but you can't know for sure until you see a solicitor.

The law society list solicitors by region and whether they handle family law. But women's aid will know good local ones as other posters suggested.

My advice is not to get hung up on the detail at this stage. You can't really know until a sol has looked at your individual case.

You're allowed to refuse mediation because he's abusive so it will just go through the process without contact really - only with your solicitor.

It's is scary. But it's also totally liberating when you're free. Just a fabulous feeling.

bloodywhitecat · 21/09/2020 20:44

You can do this. Leaving is scary but spending the rest of your life with this lowlife would be even worse. I can't answer your questions but I did walk away in my 50s and start all over again. It's scary but infinitely doable.

goldensummerhouse · 21/09/2020 20:45

If you have money don't worry about free advice, get the best advice.

Swarskid2184 · 21/09/2020 20:45

No practical advice as not a lawyer and no personal experience. But, sending all the positive thoughts to you and really hope that you find a way out of this. Never ok to tolerate what you have described. Stay strong

Original poster
IveNameChanged2020 · 21/09/2020 20:47

It's what I thought was the case. He'll force me out of the house. It's just so unfair when we wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me 😩

OP posts:
MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 21/09/2020 20:47

We're just moving this thread over to divorce and separation for the OP. Flowers

millymollymoomoo · 21/09/2020 20:53

You need to think like a business transaction
Hard as that may be
Gather your joint financial information then you can begin to work out what settlements look like
Fair isn’t a moral position. He will be entitled to a fair share
Consider all options
Don’t hold on to the house as the be all and end all.
Get a good solicitor who is on your side

Original poster
IveNameChanged2020 · 21/09/2020 20:56

Thanks @millymollymoomoo

I appreciate your perspective. I just don't understand why, if I can buy him out, I wouldn't be able to do so? Surely it's the same as selling and splitting 50:50?

OP posts:
RefriedBeanz · 21/09/2020 20:56

I was in a similar situation op.

Was with my ex dh from the age of 15 until 27 years old. He was physically, mentally and financially abusive. I was also the main breadwinner. Everything I earned went into our joint account but he controlled it. I wasn’t even allowed my own card.

The day I decided I had enough was the day I told off dd (4 at the time) and she swore at me and berated me, just like he always did. It was the final straw and I knew I had to leave for the sake of my dc. This is what they were hearing on a daily basis.

It was a long and drawn out divorce. I was lucky to have family who I went to stay with with for almost 6 months, until I was able to get my own place. I had to report him to the police for harassment as Well as attacking me when I was leaving the hairdresser one time.

The divorce did seem to drag on forever. In the end our assets were fairly evenly split. I did get the house but I had to pay him his share. He tried to go for custody of the dc but he was never their main carer. Even though he worked part time and I worked full time, he refused to have the dc on his days off and forced me to put them in nursery, at my expense. He never so much as made them a sandwich if I was home. He wouldn’t life a finger.

Honestly, at the time, I didn’t think I’d ever trust a man again. Everything seemed so bleak. Keep thinking positively. Now, I’m 40, married to a wonderful man and have also had 2 more dc. He never bothered much with our dc once everything was finalised and he now hasn't seen them in 4 years. I’m happy to have him out of all our lives.

Original poster
IveNameChanged2020 · 21/09/2020 21:02

Thank you @RefriedBeanz . The "kids" are old now youngest is 16 next year. I know it's wrong but I stuck with it for them. I know what everyone will say, don't fixate know the house but it's literally everything I've ever worked for. I presume you got the house because he didn't care enough to want to kick you out.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 21/09/2020 21:02

You need to see a family law solicitor they will tell you what you need to know . You should get 30 mins free so make sure you gather info and questions.don’t make assumptions at this stage.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 21/09/2020 21:03

You really really need legal advice. Many good lawyers offer a free consultation. Take up a few offers to get a range of views.

thelikelylass · 21/09/2020 21:03

God we want you to do this! Been through similar, threats to my employers, taking the kids, he will destroy me. Fuck he did not, I fought him and he underestimated me. OP, they underestimate us. You get your legal advice and you go for it, you will need nerves of steel but come on here to vent. Good luck.

Original poster
IveNameChanged2020 · 21/09/2020 21:07

@thelikelylass I don't have nerves of steel. Actually you'd never recognise me if you knew me in real life because you'd never know the quivering wreck I am behind closed doors. I'm not sure I can do this, at the end of the day I can't start from scratch. I don't have it in me.

OP posts:
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