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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

I've woken up and smelt the coffee

48 replies

IveNameChanged2020 · 21/09/2020 19:36

I've name changed and posting here for traffic because I need your help please.

I've been in this awful relationship since I was a teenager. We later married (17 yrs ago) and have two nearly grown children. The relationship has been abusive from the get go - early on physical but that's petered out. Definitely emotional.

Despite me having an outwardly successful career (breadwinner and main carer) I'm anxiety ridden (to the point I've had to go hospital from panic attacks) from this relationship.

I woke up yesterday and am certain I've had enough. I no longer need to rely on the pittance he contributes (both monetary and effort). He threatens me with the children (they're not his, he'll get paternity tests etc) and now the fact he'll take the house from me. This is what has stopped me acting before. I was raised on a council estate (nothing wrong with that) but I've worked my fucking ass off to get us on the property ladder and I'm the one who's single handedly paid for every single thing in this house. I'm now being told I can't replace the broken dishwasher or fix the leaking bathroom as any workmen will be met with abuse?!

I live in London so if we were forced to sell and split the equity I wouldn't be able to get back on the property ladder here.

I need your help to make this happen for me. Im so scared. Will I lose the house? We're joint tenants with my deposit protected via a trust in deed (I'm sure that's not what it's called). I know the starting point is 50/50 but can he force me not buying the house (it will be over his dead body I'm told). I earn more than enough to make this happen - he doesn't.

I'm shaking as I'm writing this as I just want to stay in my home alone with my children. I know I need to speak to a good solicitor (where do I even start finding one).

After being here for so many years, reading your stories I think I've found my feet.

OP posts:

thelikelylass · 21/09/2020 21:16

yes, yes you can OP. Come back on here in a years time. You CAN do this, look at what he has tried to turn you into? You can do this.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/09/2020 21:19

Come on, it's understandable you're feeling uncertain. I think speaking to Women's Aid and solicitor is your starting point, tiny steps. Take advice from them and people on here, we'll all rooting for you! You never know once you make him a financial offer he'll grab it and be off. Money can have that kind of effect on people. Good luck

thelikelylass · 21/09/2020 21:21

you're financially able, you let us know which part of London and someone on here will recommend a good divorce solicitor. That is your starting point.

RoseByAnyOtherName · 21/09/2020 21:40

Will I lose the house? We're joint tenants with my deposit protected via a trust in deed (I'm sure that's not what it's called). I know the starting point is 50/50 but can he force me not buying the house (it will be over his dead body I'm told). I earn more than enough to make this happen - he doesn't.

I'm shaking as I'm writing this as I just want to stay in my home alone with my children. I know I need to speak to a good solicitor (where do I even start finding one).

I am sorry I don't have experience to answer your question. There is a legal thread you could try for an informed answer.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters

I wish you every success. I am sure you will succeed in ridding yourself of this parasite and that you and your children will be able to enjoy a pleasant home together alone. It will be worth it.

dublingirl66 · 21/09/2020 21:47

Women's aid to help as you have been exposed to serious DV

Do stay strong
Get out as soon as you can

I did it and life is a million times better than I could have dreamed off

Sending you very best wishes xx

RoseByAnyOtherName · 21/09/2020 22:04

if you knew me in real life you'd never know the quivering wreck I am behind closed doors

That isn't you. You are the competent professional who alongside the demands of her job has raised her children and supported her family despite being undermined by the one person who should have supported her and shouldered some of the burden of parenthood. I presume to have held all that together you are not a quivering wreck at work.

The quivering wreck at home is the effect of his behaviour on you, it is not the whole you.

You don't need his permission to end your marriage so don't try to negotiate directly with him. You know what you want. Let a solicitor deal with the bully. Your judgement of how powerful his case may be is distorted by your experience that he has power over you. But outside the home he does not have this power.

Original poster

IveNameChanged2020 · 21/09/2020 22:14

@RoseByAnyOtherName your message has just made me cry. Everyone (who is very) close to me has said the same thing. They actually hated him from the start but I was a teenager and pregnant and wanted to prove everyone wrong.

25years later I hate the person I have become. I'm so ambitious, have achieved so much and yet at home I'm spoken to like shit. Even today he messaged me and said if we don't have sex he will just fuck his work colleague in his car. I just think, how have I come to accept that? And I'm sure he'll relent on the dishwasher and bathroom by which time I'll be grateful I've been allowed to do it, even though I'll be paying for it all.

I actually don't care that I financially cover everything, I'm so generous. But the fact that I do that and he still sends me nasty texts every day and screams at me when I'm on conference calls to say I need to put on dinner when he's been furloughed for 5 months makes my blood boil. I still do all the cleaning, laundry etc on top of working at least 60 hours a week.

OP posts:

ulanbatorismynextstop · 21/09/2020 22:21

Well done, we've all got your back. Good luck!!

marly11 · 21/09/2020 22:26

OP does the deed of trust say anything about arrangements for if one of you wants to sell? Mine did have that and so ,because my ex didn't have the ability to buy me out, I then had the right to buy him out rather than him forcing a sale. Worth checking the document just in case. However my deed was set up to protect my assets because we weren't married. The house had gone up in price since we'd bought it together so I had to pay him quite a lot to reflect that but it did at least leave me and the DC without as much disruption as if we'd been forced to move. Wishing you luck. Lists and planning for me got me through - once you are through it all you will be free, own your life again and be able to breathe. Agree with other posters that it's best to get all your planning done without him realising it at all.

Heyahun · 21/09/2020 22:38

Please don’t wait any longer - get out while you can still have many years ahead of you if happiness and being free of such a horrible man!!

RandomMess · 21/09/2020 22:42

If it all went to court and you can afford to buy him out at the financial share they set the court would/could forcibly make him sell it to you rather than the open market.

HollowTalk · 21/09/2020 22:45

Are you two married?

HollowTalk · 21/09/2020 22:46

So sorry, just seen you are.

Redhead37 · 21/09/2020 22:52

Go go go... I have done similar this year but not married... I saw our lives through my kids eyes and had to get out. Woman's aid, or even calling 101. I did this as I had recieved threats. They didn't contact him, ( my request) but put it on file, and referred me to woman's aid and local charities. I had calls within a week. They can help you navigate through it. Coercive control and emotional abuse are now a crime.

You will have support from those who love and know you. There is a life out there for you. You deserve it . Good luck xx

RefriedBeanz · 21/09/2020 23:13

@IveNameChanged2020

Thank you *@RefriedBeanz* . The "kids" are old now youngest is 16 next year. I know it's wrong but I stuck with it for them. I know what everyone will say, don't fixate know the house but it's literally everything I've ever worked for. I presume you got the house because he didn't care enough to want to kick you out.

No, he did fight for it. He’s fought me at every turn. In the end, though, I was the kids main carer, I had put down the whole deposit and he couldn’t afford to buy my half from me. My parents helped me financially to buy him out. He delayed it for as long as he possibly could. I now pay my parents back monthly

Original poster

IveNameChanged2020 · 21/09/2020 23:15

@RefriedBeanz your story really has given me hope. Thank you.

OP posts:

RoseByAnyOtherName · 21/09/2020 23:35

I am sorry for making you cry! I wanted you know how strong you already are.

Congratulations for all that you have already achieved. Don't underestimate what you are capable of. Don't blame yourself for not feeling strong - his behaviour has affected you so your emotional response to the situation is to preserve yourself / your children. This is normal. It is not weakness, it is survival. If you can, talk to your family and friends because their support and belief in you will challenge the narrative he has created and weaken his hold over you.

'Grey rock' technique might be worth trying in order to stop the anger he (understandably) arouses in you drawing you into his dramas. You might be able to use your anger to better effect if you direct it towards changing your situation by taking legal advice rather than by responding and negotiating with him. It may be that as a reasonable person you automatically expect the same of others but he is never going to become that reasonable person. It's probably better to ignore his outrageous texts than engage with him.

It goes without saying that any of doing virtually all the housework when you are also working 60 hours a week to provide most of the household's money, not being allowed to choose how the money is spent, being bullied into sex is abusive. You have been strong enough to tolerate all of these abuses. You are definitely strong enough to leave them.

Carpathian2 · 21/09/2020 23:47

Everyone has posted such helpful advice and experiences

Carpathian2 · 21/09/2020 23:50

I wanted to add that it may be an idea to look at the freedom programme. It's an eye opener and will make you see that it's not you, it's him.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

AfterSchoolWorry · 21/09/2020 23:57

Just want to wish you luck OP 🍀

It'll be the best thing you ever do.

FlapsInTheWind · 22/09/2020 06:56

Get good legal advice. Knowledge is power. Until you do, you will continue to be unsure. Once you start the process learn to ignore him and his threats but if he breaks the law, get the police involved because that will make it all so much easier. Your solicitor might want you to use the text messages etc against him anyway so keep everything.

Afibtomyboy · 22/09/2020 12:44

Still confused why he thinks the kids are his but they’re not?!

Tiddleypops · 22/09/2020 14:16

I read that as when OP's H is being threatening, one of the things he says is that the DC aren't his and he'll get a paternity test to prove it. Typical bully boy hot air bullshit. He wouldn't actually get a test because it would prove him wrong.

Agree with the recommendation for the freedom programme. I did it online and it really opened my eyes. I too am main breadwinner, parent etc. It's taken me a long time to extricate myself from my exH (still not quite there but very close). The mountain might look huge from the bottom but one day at a time you'll climb it. Don't try to do it all at once. Lots of a good advice on this thread. Good luck op

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