Regretting leaving my DH

[Sadandconfused01]

Have been with DH 30 years, from the age of 15 to 45. 3 children ages 5, 10 and 15.

20 years ago he was unfaithful, I caught him with someone and think that was just the tip of the iceberg but I will never know the whole truth. I stayed as we had been having fertility treatment and having a stressful time I hadn’t been the easiest to live with.

Three children later (I somehow became naturally pregnant twice more we were very shocked and happy). DH however turned out to be a selfish father and never helped with the children or around the house. Gambled money so that we had to struggle financially.

After a year of councelling I left him last week (well he left), we had been on a trial separation with him staying at his friends for several months.

The last few days the reality hit me, we are no longer a family unit and I miss him like crazy. I have cried non stop. My therapist thinks the relationship is toxic and can’t be saved. But I feel like I’ve cut my self in two I just want him back. My family and friends are telling me I am so brave and have done the right thing after seeing me unhappy for years. They have been so supportive of me the last few months.

But now I think I should have tried harder and maybe it was my fault I was always so grumpy lately and never hugged him anymore I was so resentful over so many things.

I just want him back I have never cried so much I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I planned this for months and months, even years maybe. I felt ok for the trial separation but now it’s permanent I have been physically sick. I just want him to hold me

I even messaged him about the dc last night I felt so lonely but he was very distant. He was devestated when I ended it loads of tears so maybe he is trying to keep a wall up between us now

Is it actually him that you miss or just your old life? What is it specifically about him that you want back?

You said yourself that he was a selfish father who gambled and cheated. Why would you want that back?

I'm so sorry @Sadandconfused01 People wiser than me will be along in a minute I am sure but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are feeling so low ☹️

From what you have said, I don't think he is the man for you, a hug isn't going to fix his infidelity, his selfishness, his gambling - can you imagine another thirty years of this? Something would always be wanting and you deserve better. Thirty years is a long time though and the realisation that it is permanent will require a period of adjustment which sounds as if it is very painful right now. Your family and friends are right, you have been so brave - also you seem to be blaming yourself for certain things, none of us are perfect angelsa and it sounds like things were incredibly stressful at times for you, he was unsupportive (to say the least! To give you an example, a woman struggling with fertility issues is under so much strain and will often not be perfectly happy and jolly, this does not mean she deserves to be cheated on!!) and I am sure you did the best you could at the time. Baby steps now into a brighter future-you will not always feel this way I promise.

It is completely normal to miss lots of aspects of life before especially at this early stage. It doesn't mean it's the wrong thing you have done. Work with your therapist on grieving and letting go of the hopes you had for your marriage and family that sadly cannot be.

You will be OK. It takes time.

You are just in shock and panicking. You do not actually want this man back.

Take it easy and give yourself time to process everything that has happened.

Tried harder at what?

He gambled and left you and your DC struggling financially.

Ignored the dc left you to parent alone

Screwed around. You say yourself you don’t know the truth about the cheating.

You’ve been unhappy for the duration of your marriage.

What about the above was in your control to make your marriage better?

What would be ‘bad’ enough, if he gambled the roof over your heads away, if he passed on stds to you, what?

You’re missing the marriage you hoped you’d have. Not the reality you were living. It takes about a year post divorce to find your feet and get used to the new status quo.

The reasons for your split are still there, you’re seeing your marriage through rose tinted glasses now as you’ve known nothing better.

Do you do anything for yourself, something to make you happy? Take a day at a time don’t over think things, re-build your life the way you want it.

The reasons you left your marriage are still there.

You are grieving. It’s normal. You don’t actually miss HIM. You are missing the idea of what he could have been but never was. You are missing your idea of your family unit with a helpful supportive non gambling faithful loving husband. That wasn’t him.

Yes I am missing what I wanted the relationship to be like. He sent me a message before I ended it saying he would change but my therapist said they never change. I wish I had given him the chance

I keep thinking of the positives, not struggling financially, having that bond together since 15 years old, living with my best friend, someone to grow old with that I’ve spent my life with, having that family unit, someone to share the kids achievements with, maybe all that outweighed the bad times?

I’ve seen 3 therapists though and they all urged me to leave? I didn’t realise it would leave me with a broken heart.....

I can’t believe how much I planed for this and now it’s like I can suddenly see the good in him and maybe I wasn’t perfect either. I miss his hugs and his presence in the house so much

The things I want back are the family meal time’s, the Christmas morning to look forward to, the father of my dc to share things with about them, his financial support as he paid the bills I was SAHM now looking for a job. I miss the bedtime hug

And therapy will support you through the grieving process.

Hold your nerve. Stand your ground. YOU WILL COME THROUGH THIS

Time is what it will take.

Op in a few months time you may well realise that this is just the shock of such a big life change, of course it would be hard for a while...That doesn't mean it is the wrong choice

I didn't love my ex husband OP, I loved being married and the benefits, I loved our old home, I loved all our married friends and the more affluent lifestyle but I didn't love him. I loved being able to go to the pub whenever, I don't go there on my own, just having another human there.
Is this what you could be missing? You get used to the same person after all those years, your shared memories, the father of your children and all that but not necessarily his awful behaviour.
However, there comes a time when the bad outweighs the good all the time and when that happens its time to end it.
Only you can decide when that is or if he is willing to change.
Now I look back on my life with him I realise now I often had suicidal thoughts because living with him was so stressful and awful and the good times never outweighed his behaviour.
Then it's time to go. Its a shame he isn't willing to completely change but often they are just not interested.

Have you applied for CMS? Do so.

You said he was leaving you and the children without money due to his gambling. How much longer before he dragged you both into severe debt?

Do you have real life support. Rally round friends and family. Cry on shoulders talk about it to rl friends and family. It will get easier.

You’ve spent 30years with this man, he’s had a long time to change.

Things like gambling and cheating aren’t minor things that are easily overlooked as they have massive lasting consequences.

Even though you've been planning this for months, nothing can prepare you for the shock when it actually becomes real. After 30 years this is a huge change for you, and naturally we yearn for what we perceive we have lost.

Try to focus on your new life - all the things you have been fantasising about being able to do. You are viewing the past with rose-tinted glasses, and this isn't going to help you move forward.

Make plans with friends, take the kids on some fun outings, create new memories without him. You will soon gain confidence and realise that you don't miss him, you were just used to him.

I think I’m sad that I’ve lost the family unit, I hadn’t considered that when I asked for a separation. And even if I moved on I feel like it wouldn’t be the same, I just want the dc dad here. Especially time’s like Xmas. I feel like I’m getting sentimental. I wish I could stop the tears

He came to see DC last night and he was really business like with me it broke my heart

Sadly this is all part of the grieving process. You will have good days and you will have bad days.

When I left my DH, and I was feeling low, the grief would hit me and all I could do was cry.. Sometimes it would last for a while, but once I came out the other side, I never doubted my decision.

You are grieving. It doesn't mean that you made a mistake. You just need to ride this out and wait until the sadness has passed to feel better again. Be kind to yourself, you are in the midst of a huge psychological adjustment.

This feeling wont last OP. Have faith.
If you ever take him back he will feel like hes got carted blanche to do whatever he wants.
Its unusual for therapists to advise so it must be really bad for 3 to suggest this.
Its absolutely normal to grieve and feel desperate and sick. It's a huge shock for your body to process. You will come out the other side wiser and stronger. And honestly, your three kids will benefit enormously from not having this relationship modelled to them.
I'm sorry you're so low right now. Take comfort from your friends, try to eat and drink little and often.
Remember your husband has done this, not you.

Honestly don’t take him back. Like previously said if you do he will see it as he has a free ride to walk all over you. I did this with my ex. He begged and said he’d move heaven and earth to change and he did....for about six months. It took another couple of years of me almost having a breakdown due to his selfish behaviour and financial abuse to get the strength to leave him a second time. Now I’m happy on my own. Yes I regretted splitting up with him but only because things were difficult in the beginning. Once you start doing things for yourself you’ll get your confidence back. Years of living with a man like that wears you down. You are probably feeling like you can’t do this on your own, like I felt. Get some good legal advice. Find out where you stand financially etc take each day at a time and be kind to yourself. You have done absolutely the right thing! You deserve better xx

I don’t think I can cope with the grieving process

I feel like I’ve ruined our family

I’m also confused that the therapists I have seen have given advice. Do they usually do that? All 3 have said they don’t suggest working on the relationship. DH said that’s because they have only heard my side? But I tried to be honest, about my lack of sex drive etc. None of the sessions were to work through my feelings they were just me saying what has happened in our relationship and each therapist said to make a plan to leave. First therapist was CBT but suggested I use a relationship councelling instead, 1st said to plan to leave so I then tried an ex relays councellor who said the same