Regretting leaving my DH

[Sadandconfused01]

Have been with DH 30 years, from the age of 15 to 45. 3 children ages 5, 10 and 15.

20 years ago he was unfaithful, I caught him with someone and think that was just the tip of the iceberg but I will never know the whole truth. I stayed as we had been having fertility treatment and having a stressful time I hadn’t been the easiest to live with.

Three children later (I somehow became naturally pregnant twice more we were very shocked and happy). DH however turned out to be a selfish father and never helped with the children or around the house. Gambled money so that we had to struggle financially.

After a year of councelling I left him last week (well he left), we had been on a trial separation with him staying at his friends for several months.

The last few days the reality hit me, we are no longer a family unit and I miss him like crazy. I have cried non stop. My therapist thinks the relationship is toxic and can’t be saved. But I feel like I’ve cut my self in two I just want him back. My family and friends are telling me I am so brave and have done the right thing after seeing me unhappy for years. They have been so supportive of me the last few months.

But now I think I should have tried harder and maybe it was my fault I was always so grumpy lately and never hugged him anymore I was so resentful over so many things.

I just want him back I have never cried so much I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I planned this for months and months, even years maybe. I felt ok for the trial separation but now it’s permanent I have been physically sick. I just want him to hold me

*relate

So he's a selfish lazy father who didn't pull his weight in the household but you miss the family unit.

He gambled money away so you struggled financially but you miss his financial support.

This sounds like fear of the unknown tbh.

A counsellor telling you to make a plan to leave sounds like them saying he’s abusive.

Is that why a councellor would say to leave because of abuse? I was confused as I thought it helps you come to your own decision but all have said to leave

I’ve been looking on google and it says it’s bad practise to tell someone what to do? I’m so confused right now. I think my head is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another

Yes I am missing what I wanted the relationship to be like.

But that wasn’t real, was it?

I’m sorry OP that you are sad, it’s a confusing time with mixed feelings. You will miss the comfort and familiarity of him being there but he didn’t make you happy did he?

It takes time to get over but you will do it xx

You're looking for excuses to go back with your googling. I am not going to help you self-sabotage by engaging with that.

Women who have been raped and beaten half to death go through the same shock and grief as you.

It does not mean leaving was a mistake. It means you are human.

This is temporary. Denial and bargaining are normal and temporary parts of grief.

The things you have said you miss are things you didn't have - you're grieving your dreams and a fantasy.

You are also understandably frightened because you've never known a different life as an adult.

You will adjust.

DH however turned out to be a selfish father and never helped with the children or around the house. Gambled money so that we had to struggle financially.

You never had a family unit with him. Your distress is because you're finally facing up to that reality. When you were still there you could hide from it.

In the end no one can decide what you do except you. However if you say your family and friends agree you are brave to have done this and are better off without him, doesn’t that say something? Living the rest of your life with a serial cheat who gambles the family money isn’t what you’d want for one of your children is it? So why show them that is an acceptable way to live? Fear of the unknown is scary. I have been there but you get through it.
You have to draw the line somewhere. If you lie down people will walk all over you!

Generally counsellors don't tell you what to do. So if THREE told you to leave, that's a pretty big sign that leaving was the only option.

I feel like maybe I was so focused on the negatives that I forgot to look at the positives of the relationship. Or maybe I’m just scared as this is the only relationship I’ve ever had

You are scared op and you are having to face up to the fact that your marriage wasn't this happy place you wanted it to be.

I think the counsellors were being blunt with you as you seem paralysed and stuck.

Your H sounds horrible. You need to work through this and build on your self esteem. You will get through this. Going back to him won't make this any better, and I think you know that deep down.

He has had 30 long years to change.

Of course it is painful, it hurts like hell, it is really tough but it is not a walk in the park staying either. You could go back to him, your christmases won't be magical, this family unit you are longing for is already broken and has been for years. Of course you are scared, you have never lived your adult life alone, but that does not mean you can't cope and get used to it. The cold turkey part, this part is the hardest, but over the next few weeks and months it will start to ease.
You describe a lot of support and help, you are very lucky to have this op.

Don't look to the future for now, just take every day as it comes. Be very kind

This man has done some of the worst things imaginable to your 'family unit' he has hurt and betrayed you many times. He is not a wonderful man, you are romanticising now. Try and remember why you left the marriage, write it down and reread it when you need to.

Grit your teeth, you can do this, there is a new life waiting for you - it is a life sentence with someone that hurts you over and over again.

It seems you blame yourself and you are starting to blame the therapists, where in reality the way you describe your ex it is clearly him.

He will still have to give some financial support. He will now have to do some parenting. What are the arrangements for him having the children now?

Counsellors have to b honest. If you described a situation or relationship in that they don't think bid salvageable or they can help you with, they will say that.

I had a similar experience, but only after months of session together with my STBXH. Eventually at an individual session she talked to me about his abusive behaviour and asked me to think about leaving.

I think it's easy for everyone to say LTB, but the reality of having left, is utter loneliness and none of the comforts of marriage you listed above, and people don't realise that as part of the planning.

3 separate counsellors have advised you not to try and save your marriage. They obviously see that your husband is a selfish abusive man. He said he will change - he's had thirty years to change and hasn't - he's not going to change now, he'll probably just get worse, more affairs, more gambling. In fact he's probably seeing someone else now, despite his promises to change - if you find that is the case, bet he'll blame you for it.

You're missing the idea of a marriage you never actually had. You must give it time - in a couple of months you'll be thanking your lucky stars you kicked his sorry arse out. Make sure you sort your financial situation quickly and listen to your counsellors, friends and family. They know what a nasty piece of work he is - get some support then onwards and upwards.

My heart goes out to you

I was in a similar way 2 years ago. My ex had cheated on me for most of our 10 year relationship. He also was lazy and completely selfish about lots of things.

I spoke to a counsellor on my own (and with him, which was a terrible experience.) The relationship counsellor said to me “it doesn’t seem like there is very much in this relationship for you.”

I took this to mean it would ‘be ok’ for me to make the decision to leave.

Leaving him was so hard. He refused to leave for the first 9 months and slept in the house. It kind of reinforced how selfish he was because it was hard on our DD as well.

I cried every day. I didn’t think I could handle the pain. I got performance managed at work because I was such a mess. It was awful. But I kept thinking there was nothing in it for me that was worth keeping.

His hugs. His eyes. His cheating.

By leaving you are teaching your children not to put up with partners who don’t treat them right and that is so important. By leaving you are building your strength and resilience so you can move on from where you were before and live the good life you deserve.

2 years on my ex lives down the road and we hang out because we’re a family and because covid kind of forced that. But I would not take him back into my home.

My home is now peaceful. Me and DD and the cat she insisted I get. I watch what I want on TV, go to bed in peace. Wake up and do what I want before DD wakes up. It’s awesome. I’m not constantly in his shadow.

Please give it some time.

This is why may women return to abusive relationships. The fear of being a lone parent, the better the devil you know feeling, the face that you put a rosy hue on situations once your out of them.

Honestly hand on heart are you happy to live with a man who cheats on you, is not involved in the daily family life or interested in the kids, a man who gambled leaving you and your children without essentials, you also face the possibility of ending up jointly in debt for joint accounts if he chooses to use those to feed his gambling habit, you also are exposed to the possibility of catching stds if he keeps on cheating. And of course you’re doing altho the household and childcare on your own anyway.

Given the above I wouldn’t be nice to live with either frankly, your landed with the adulting and taking responsibility of everything.

Do you want to return to the relationship as it was? Make a list of reasons you left him. Make a list of reasons you want to go back to him. Then check the reasons you left him as the reasons you want to go back were never there, you said yourself he didn’t parent or help around the house, he cheated you don’t know the true extent, he gambled and left you and your children in financial hardship.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/
This helped me recognise I was emotional abused and also financially. My self esteem and confidence was zero. Please do yourself a favour and with support start a better life for yourself and show your children what a family is supposed to be. Xx

Thank you so much for all the replies I am going through them all

It's going to take time. I am almost 3 years down the line and all I can say is it will get better. What I think you might do is have these tearful panicky episodes but what you don't do is beg for him to come back. You are going through a grieving process and these feelings will eventually lessen but it takes a long long time.

Sorry I meant you will find you don't actually ask for him to come back.

Thank you, the last few days I have felt a bit better, still missing him but I’m
Managing not to reach out to him. It really is like grieving

Keep going sadandconfused01!