28 years - too gutless to leave. Please help

[backboneneeded]

I don't know where to start and to be honest am pretty disgusted with myself.

I am 48 and have been with DH 28 years, married for 20. 2 DC (15 & 13). We met at university and He is literally all I have ever known.

I loved him deeply for many years but for at least the last 12 that connection has faded and now I feel not much more than friendship (if that a lot of the time).

He is an attractive, fit man who on the surface works very hard to provide for us, but the reality is he is more than happy for me to take the mental load and doesn't spend any time checking in with our DC. I don't even feel in the same page as him with regard to parenting and it often feels like I have 3 kids. We don't enjoy the same things and tbh I don't even like spending time on our own together.
He is never satisfied with anything in our life and is constantly looking for the next project without finishing what he starts. I've gone along with so many of his decisions which have steered our life but I've had enough.

We have had counselling a few times over the years when the same issues have reared up. It's the same cycle - he becomes more and more distant and detached (drinks more than is good for him, too much time at work), I become increasingly resentful and horrible to live with, then I explode (and in my head I'm screaming I want to leave); he gets upset and says things will be different, I calm down and off we go again.

I want to go, I want to leave but I don't know how to. I feel trapped of my own accord because I don't have the balls to take action. It almost feels like I need to push him into calling it a day because I can't say the words.

However in my head I'm hearing: Too old to start again, not bringing in enough money to get a new place, devastating effect on DC. My DPs acrimoniously divorced when I was the same age as DS and it totally screwed up my GCSEs - I cant let that happen to him.

I don't hate DH, he's not abusive, he says he loves me and would do anything for me but I just don't feel the same anymore.

I just wish somehow there was a tiny glimpse into the future and I could see that I can do this and it will be ok.

Hi backbone, same situation here, have special needs adult children and married for over 25 years, but the connection is just through the practicalities, and feel like we are just friends. He says he loves me, but I suspect he may be a closeted gay, many discussions around this,No sex for years, it’s not what I call a marriage, and have filled in the government online divorce papers, still filling them, but need courage to send them. I feel like a single person in this marriage anyway. I hope courage comes our way.

Hi Stapleton, it's so difficult isn't it. Opposite problem here in that DH always wants sex but frankly I don't want him anywhere near me. I deter him as long as I can then just let him get on with it . I haven't had sexual feelings towards him for years but he puts this and my general snarkiness down to peri-menopause

In a similar situation . So difficult.

@backboneneeded

I don't know where to start and to be honest am pretty disgusted with myself.

I am 48 and have been with DH 28 years, married for 20. 2 DC (15 & 13). We met at university and He is literally all I have ever known.

I loved him deeply for many years but for at least the last 12 that connection has faded and now I feel not much more than friendship (if that a lot of the time).

He is an attractive, fit man who on the surface works very hard to provide for us, but the reality is he is more than happy for me to take the mental load and doesn't spend any time checking in with our DC. I don't even feel in the same page as him with regard to parenting and it often feels like I have 3 kids. We don't enjoy the same things and tbh I don't even like spending time on our own together.
He is never satisfied with anything in our life and is constantly looking for the next project without finishing what he starts. I've gone along with so many of his decisions which have steered our life but I've had enough.

We have had counselling a few times over the years when the same issues have reared up. It's the same cycle - he becomes more and more distant and detached (drinks more than is good for him, too much time at work), I become increasingly resentful and horrible to live with, then I explode (and in my head I'm screaming I want to leave); he gets upset and says things will be different, I calm down and off we go again.

I want to go, I want to leave but I don't know how to. I feel trapped of my own accord because I don't have the balls to take action. It almost feels like I need to push him into calling it a day because I can't say the words.

However in my head I'm hearing: Too old to start again, not bringing in enough money to get a new place, devastating effect on DC. My DPs acrimoniously divorced when I was the same age as DS and it totally screwed up my GCSEs - I cant let that happen to him.

I don't hate DH, he's not abusive, he says he loves me and would do anything for me but I just don't feel the same anymore.

I just wish somehow there was a tiny glimpse into the future and I could see that I can do this and it will be ok.

Same here. But I have just found the balls to finally go through with it. Together 30 years. 4 children. Ranging to grown up to one still at school. He left last Saturday. It's been the worse few days of my life but today I can see a glimpse of happiness creeping in. You only get one chance at life. It's not a rehearsal.

OP Why don't you write him a letter like the one you wrote here ? Do you think he would be shocked at the way you feel ? Do you think it might make him think about his actions/non actions/attitude to life ?

Would it help ?

You are right about it not being a rehearsal @Millshake01.

My main and overriding reason for not goingare the DC. Am sure I'd be long gone if it weren't for them.
Deep down they know things aren't right but I just can't put them through the trauma of separation at such a critical time. DS struggles enough with school and I couldn't live with myself if I was the cause of him failing his GCSEs (not to mention the disruption already caused by the pandemic).

I feel totally trapped on all sides.

omg, this is me.

I am afraid to upset DC, and I can't figure out the logistics of it all. Where to go, how to pay my bills, how to get things like new furniture organised or change of address.

I have hated being married for many years. If my feelings ever came out, I'd just list all the things H does that show why he hates living with me. I have no willingness to try to fix things. He will enter a black sulk when I finally go, and I haven't screwed up my courage to face this. He's not awful all the time, we can even have a laugh, but I have no trust in him. Gone forever.

Most of all I don't know how to not upset DC too much.

BTW - well done! I am in awe of your bravery. How did your DC take it?

Try and think through some of the practicalities and the process. Do you have your own job/savings/could you run 2 houses. Trying to focus on those things without the emotion will help

They are trying to be supportive. Youngest hasn’t even noticed he’s gone!

Peanu, this is me. I am paralysed by the logistics of it all, not to mention the complexity of our financial situation.

I can't face going over it all again and again with him - rows, tears, recrimination, promises. I'm done. I don't hate him, I don't want to fight, I just want my life back and a life on my own with my DC.

Somehow I need to find confidence and courage that for me this is the best way forward.

My husband was an awful sulk.. I got to the point where I couldn’t care less if I put him into a sulking mood.

Also in a similar position here. I really just don't want to be around him, he's not awful (usually) just no connection. He's always saying how I don't show him enough affection too, but I just can't.

I have 2 part- time jobs that actually only bring in 'pocket money'.

I was a SAHM for years due to support his BIG JOB which was actually his own business. Without risking outing myself, the complexity is we each own 25% of the company, alongside his business partner and BPs wife.
Divorce would have huge ramifications on the business which is another reason I am worried about leaving.

I can see that it isn't ideal timing wise for the children, but couldn't you figure out a way to make it a smooth transition for them - with as little animosity between you and H as possible?
You only get this one life and (sorry but) you're not getting any younger. It's been a long time coming and theres a chance you'll all be in a happier place once it's done.

@Millshake01

They are trying to be supportive. Youngest hasn’t even noticed he’s gone!

No resentment towards you for calling it a day?

Room for another? I’m in the same position. Have been for a long time really I think.
We don’t argue but just have nothing, other than dcs, in common anymore. Maybe we never did.
I think I’ve lost respect for him. I want him to carry some of the load but he doesn’t. Ok so he’ll cook, clean (to a degree), diy but mentally it’s all me. The dcs, bills, decisions..... I’m totally exhausted.

@backboneneeded, you sound just like me!

I`ve been married almost 29 years, together for almost 32, 3 DCs, all grown up and all still living at home.

Ive been wanting to leave for years but finances and how it would affect the DCs were stopping me. Now Im working full time (hadn't worked full time since eldest 2 were young), so there`s a bit of spare cash to squirrel away.

@Stapleton143 Ive printed off the divorce papers from the gov.uk website, and partially completed them, but I cant find reasons for unreasonable behaviour. Hes not abusive in any way, he cooks (occasionally), cleans, does the laundry including the ironing but hes not very supportive. I recently changed jobs (Feb 2020) which meant travelling a little more, plus having to travel between work sites a couple of times a week. Im not spending anymore on travel but it does mean that I am out of the house a bit longer. Plus my DD has MH issues and suffers with depression, but all he seems to say to me is that she needs to snap out of it. How do you explain to someone like that that its not that simple??

I think that we have just grown apart, I`ve been keeping a sort of journal so that I can jot things down when he REALLY annoys or upsets me.

I don`t think I love him anymore but I do care. We still share the same bed, but I could get used to being on my own in a double bed!

My advice to us all, is to really think about what we want. Write a pros and cons list if it helps and go from there. Then make a list of bill and expenses and how mush you personally bring in, the go to entitled.co.uk to see if you would be able to top up with benefits and go from there.

Ive done most of the above , Im trying to clear a couple of debts, and then Im sure that Ill be able to support myself. Im trying to stay focussed and positive that things will work out the way that Ive planned.

I think this forum is fab, its a great place to vent and also get some advice, PLUS it shows that we arent alone.

Sending everyone hugs and

Valleygirls this sounds exactly like me. I don't hate DH (although I get so resentful at times), in fact I care a lot. Probably part of the reason it makes it so hard. We have literally grown up together and it's like I am more part of him than I am my own self. So stupid.

The list of pros and cons sounds a good idea; many times I've compiled a mental one but I think it would help clarify things to see it in black and white.

I only work part time in a low paid job which also scares the shit out of me. We've always pooled income but the thought of suddenly having no money terrifies me. I know a fair settlement would be reached but I worry how I'd manage financially in the meantime. I could work every hour under the sun and it wouldn't cover mortgage, utilities, car etc.

It probably doesn't help that I am transposing my parents situation onto mine. My F left DM for OW when I was 16 and left us destitute, didn't give a shit. I recall DM crying night after night worrying about money and having to watch every penny. Although my DH is nothing like my father and never given me any cause for concern over money, my experience is always at the back of my mind that people can and do change

I am considering making an appointment with a counsellor to see if sharing my mental shitstorm would help.

Sorry name change fail

@ValleysGirl72 do you think you will actually leave?

Had telephone session with a counsellor. Tbh not massively helpful and now I'm £50 lighter.
Just told me it sounded liked I'd thought things through and was on edge of calling it a day

@backboneneeded - I am you, just a few years younger, kids also similar ages.
I have been in counselling for a year now..honestly, it helps to speak openly about stuff and vent, but they really just tell you what you already know..

You know the answers, it just feels too hard and too big to pull that plaster all the way off doesn't it!
My counsellor says, all things change, you will reach a point when you just say you're done..and to try not to overthink it, it will happen..I am sort of hoping that's true and my backbone appears soon!

Listening to "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to stay". Hitting the mark in several levels, especially the 'needing permission to leave'. It's like I need someone else to make that decision