28 years - too gutless to leave. Please help

[backboneneeded]

I don't know where to start and to be honest am pretty disgusted with myself.

I am 48 and have been with DH 28 years, married for 20. 2 DC (15 & 13). We met at university and He is literally all I have ever known.

I loved him deeply for many years but for at least the last 12 that connection has faded and now I feel not much more than friendship (if that a lot of the time).

He is an attractive, fit man who on the surface works very hard to provide for us, but the reality is he is more than happy for me to take the mental load and doesn't spend any time checking in with our DC. I don't even feel in the same page as him with regard to parenting and it often feels like I have 3 kids. We don't enjoy the same things and tbh I don't even like spending time on our own together.
He is never satisfied with anything in our life and is constantly looking for the next project without finishing what he starts. I've gone along with so many of his decisions which have steered our life but I've had enough.

We have had counselling a few times over the years when the same issues have reared up. It's the same cycle - he becomes more and more distant and detached (drinks more than is good for him, too much time at work), I become increasingly resentful and horrible to live with, then I explode (and in my head I'm screaming I want to leave); he gets upset and says things will be different, I calm down and off we go again.

I want to go, I want to leave but I don't know how to. I feel trapped of my own accord because I don't have the balls to take action. It almost feels like I need to push him into calling it a day because I can't say the words.

However in my head I'm hearing: Too old to start again, not bringing in enough money to get a new place, devastating effect on DC. My DPs acrimoniously divorced when I was the same age as DS and it totally screwed up my GCSEs - I cant let that happen to him.

I don't hate DH, he's not abusive, he says he loves me and would do anything for me but I just don't feel the same anymore.

I just wish somehow there was a tiny glimpse into the future and I could see that I can do this and it will be ok.

Yes there is resentment. Especially from the eldest.

@Backboneneeded

Listening to "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to stay". Hitting the mark in several levels, especially the 'needing permission to leave'. It's like I need someone else to make that decision

I've just got this on audible. Is it helping you?

I was there where you are, three years ago. Had wanted to leave for years, never had the courage.

One morning I came upon the final straw. What it was doesn't matter - the fact was I packed my bags and left. It was pretty awful for a couple of months but a) I had money b) he was and is a decent man c) our DCs has already lived the uni life for a year (twins).

The joy. The peace. Just the absence of that huge weight I'd been carrying for years , of "I want to leave, should I leave, I'm a bitch, he's useless, god I'm so unhappy" blah blah the relentlessness of it.

Emotionally it's miles better. Our Dcs were confused and angry but are now fine with it and in fact very much enjoy the fact we no longer argue. He and I get on 100% better now. But that's just my experience. Good luck. Ps counselling helped me

@HMSSophie this has made me cry. I am utterly exhausted by the mental Merry go round you describe.
I see myself now and can picture the future when it's all over - the journey between seems impossible.

Although I work part-time I have no real income as gave up my career to support the building of his business. However I own a share of the company which may be just enough for me to start again.

But the biggest thing is the DC, especially DS who is in year 11 and already has anxiety issues

backboneneeded I found as my DC grew up, and were less of a bond between me and ex, as well as less restorative to my soul, so to speak (argumentative teens being unlikely to calm the spirits in the way a loving funny five year old could) it actually got worse for me as I could see the family links thinning.

You just have to hold your breath and JUMP. My anger finally surged high enough to sweep me off my safety ledge and plunged me into the turmoil I'd been so fearful of for so many years. And once you're in it, you swim. Good luck.

And me too! 28 years of marriage and two teenagers. Lockdown has been the final straw. When I finally spoke to DH about my unhappiness, he said he felt the same. I think it was a relief for both of us to admit that the relationship has run its course. We still love each other but we haven't had sex for years and lost our connection years ago. I feel like we've had a good run and would say that we've had a successful marriage but it's now coming to an end.

We haven't told the kids yet and I dread their reaction but I read something recently that helps. It was in Glennon Doyle's book Untamed (very good though a bit New Agey). She was talking about the fact she was staying in an unhappy marriage 'for her children' but then asked herself if she would wish that type of marriage on her child. The answer was no, definitely not, and she decided it was better to leave and be a positive example for her kids, especially her daughter. I found that very useful advice. Kids know and I don't want to teach my kids to continue in a relationship that makes them unhappy.

COVID is screwing up our plans at the moment. We have a flat that we rent out and the plan was for DH to move into it, then we'll put the house on the market when I finish my course next year and buy two small properties. With COVID we have to give the tenant six months notice. Fair enough, but it means now waiting until the new year.

I think we're actually getting on better now that we have a plan. A lot of the tension has gone. We still sleep in the same bed. Don't get me wrong, it's not all easy. There has been anger and lots of tears but I think it will be worth it in the end. I've been a SAHM for 20 years and I'm training for a new career. I'm optimistic but also shitting myself at the thought of being financially responsible for myself.

@howtocope you are in a good position that you both have come to the same agreement. My husband is not feeling the same so when it’s one sided it’s an awful situation.

I have been in a loveless marriage for 8 years (together 14) & like others tried to leave many times but never followed through. We have had couples counselling but if the feelings are not there it just won’t work IMO. We are in the process of separating & I cannot wait to be free of him. I know this is going to be devastating for our dc but I just can’t live like this anymore. I want to have peace in my life & I can’t have that in this marriage. You are not alone & you can do this - it became a matter of time for me when I got to the stage where I just can’t live with him anymore.

Yes, milkshake, I know it could be much harder. I really feel for those going through it. I expected it to be the same for me. I would've sworn blind that DH didn't want to split, right up to the moment when he said he felt the same as me. I guess my point is that maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe there are other partners who feel the same and once the subject is out in the open they will be honest. I think my DH felt he wasn't allowed to express his unhappiness. I had braced myself for all sorts of anger, drama, sadness. In the end it was like watching a balloon deflate. He was all puffed up for the argument but once I said I thought we should separate he calmed down, took a deep breath and agreed. I was so shocked I almost blacked out.

Oh God, everything's about to explode.
DD has managed to get into my phone and read an note (unsent) telling DH exactly how I feel. She has just phoned me from school in pieces.

DH on his way here from work so we can talk. Feel utterly sick; The last thing I wanted was for DC to find out until I was ready.

@Backboneneeded..deep breathe, stay calm..just be honest and non confrontational..see where it goes

Oh no. Thinking of you

Thinking of you. Hope it went better than expected.

@Backboneneeded, how did things go? Hope you are alright??

Hello Lovely ladies I just thought I'd jump in here and offer you all
I was in an almost identical situation 3 years ago, together for 27 years married for 19. Over the Years I'd basically just fallen out of love with my EX. He'd gradually taken me for granted in every way including sexually. He wasn't a horrible person - but the way he left me exhausted all the time was untenable. It was more complicated than that but that's the essence of it.
I've now been divorced nearly 2 years and have a new life and I'm so so so much happier!
The ramifications of splitting are enormous and can be totally over whelming. All of you just take one little step at a time and you will get there. Financially - you will need to accept that you will end up with less than you currently have. Weather that means a smaller house - renting rather than owning, working more hours to gain a better income. Whatever you have to do it will be worth it! Trust your own feelings and if its over - its over.
I also read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to stay" and it really helped me understand why I was feeling the way I did. Well worth a read - even if you've already decided what to do.

Good luck all!

@Backboneneeded That sounds an awful situation and I hope you're ok. Obviously not an ideal way for husband and daughter to find out but hopefully now things are out in the open you can start to move forward.

@Backboneneeded hope you are ok this weekend, are you any further forward and is your DD ok?

Can I join in too?
We've been together for 25yrs with 2 kids,10 and 8.
In hindsight we have been over as a couple for a long time but now I wouldnt even say we were friends, just 2 people who live in the same house.
It's becoming more and more clear to me that we need to split before we move into dislike but I don't know where to begin.
A house sale will be a stumbling block to really moving on so what can we do in the meantime? Or am I just making excuses not to?

@Backboneneeded I hope things are okay with you. My DC are my big worry in all of this too. I hope you are working things out and they moving in a positive direction.

I think some of you might be on the thread "for those leaving against STBExH wishes" or something like that, I'll see if I can find the link - many of us in similar positions - I am 58 I've been married for 32 years next week and my children have never known a happy home, they are late teens now. Obviously I wish I'd had the guts to end it years ago. I also read that the older the kids are the more they tend to get dragged into it.

Sadly one of my DDs has such severe MH issues, developed in the last 3 years, that I cant do anything that will disrupt her even though she's said a few times she wants him to go or us to leave, she's also said she feels sorry for him and doesn't want to see him upset. She thinks he will leave happily, I know different. For many years I stayed as I was frightened what he'd do to us if I told him I wanted to leave. I wanted the DDs to be physically strong enough to run away if they had to - does that make sense? Now I am not so sure.

But anyway, now I am stuck - before she became so ill i was literally 6 weeks away from telling him. So I am still biding my time and planning. What with COVID etc who knows how things will work out. If she's no better next year (she's year 13 now) then there is no point waiting any longer. I think timing is very important. But anyway I have had a lot of support to think things through on here and the thread I mentioned above. Which I will find. Bear with!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3754977-Support-thread-for-those-divorcing-against-stbex-wishes-3

I’ve been in this situation and now getting divorced after 25 years married. I put it off for so long, with the excuse that I was worried about my DCs, who are now teens. Obviously it was awful telling them, but now my STBEXH has moved out, things are so much more relaxed and happy in the house. They had no real sense of what a happy house could be, and I feel guilty that they don’t have experience of a healthy relationship.

But after all that worrying, my DCs seem ok, and I wish that I had done it years ago, although I think that you sometimes have to wait for it to get bad to be able to justify it to yourself.

I too was worried about GCSEs, although they were cancelled this year so I needn’t have worried. In reality there will never be a good time. There are always GCSEs, exams, university, work etc. My anxious DC seems to be less affected than my more laid-back DC. I think he could sense the unhappiness there used to be in the house.

Backbone - Just looked at your post. You say your DD managed to look at an unsent note on your phone. Maybe she was having a look on your phone as she knows that something is wrong and wanted to try to find out what it is. If so, in some way maybe she’ll have relief that it is all out in the open. I wish you good luck.

@Backboneneeded sorry for the delay in responding to you, been a bit busy with DD, had to visit the crisis team last friday evening (25th)........ I like to think that I will leave.

I managed to clear one of my debts today so that means a little more cash to save or to go off paying another debt, maybe I`ll do half and half.

Some days I feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel but other days I wonder WTF am I doing??

Hope everyone is keeping well under the circumstances