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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Leaving family home

33 replies

Jimd2020 · 29/08/2020 07:46

Hi, a guy on the other side here looking for advice really from a different perspective.

Have a wife and 2 children which I adore and who are my everything.
Have a mortgaged home with wife.

We are amicable albeit with an atmosphere in the air which the children are picking up on.

I'm looking to move out and rent somewhere close by to avoid jeapordising the amicable relatioship we have at the moment. (We have verbally agreed on all parts of the seperation such as children, finances, debts etc, the plan being to put a separation agreement together outlining all of this) I've spoken to a family law solicitor not an official paid session, just a free phone call who has advised that it's ok to move out and it won't affect my rights in anyway as long as the wife puts in writing that but reading these posts and others on the forum I'm questioning the advice?

Ultimately I will be moving out I feel, she wouldn't move without the children and I wouldn't want the home without them so it makes sense for her to stay (she has agreed to pay mortgage and all bills with the view of buying me out of my share to allow me to buy elsewhere)

There isn't talk of divorce as yet so the presumption is we would go for the 2 year seperation way as there is no blame.

Am lost with the minefield of conflicting information about, would appreciate some advice.

OP posts:
ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 29/08/2020 07:55

I would advise you to go back to a solicitor and get this and anything else cleared up. You don’t want to look back and realise you did the wrong thing from a legal perspective, and a few hundred pounds could save you a lot of hassle.
Also bear in mind that things won’t necessarily always be as cordial, despite the best will in the world.

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 29/08/2020 08:23

This is what I was fearing. It's incredibly difficult for me to get to see them as I cannot get time off work unless I give around 3-4 weeks notice. Hopefully they would give me a telephone consultation.

Why would the family law solicitor advise me that its ok to move out?

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 29/08/2020 08:39

What do mean “it’s alright if you move out”? What would be wrong? Share of the sale of the house? You not contributing to the mortgage?

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 29/08/2020 08:44

So the plan is she will take over payments of mortgage and bills and the view is she will buy me out of the mortgage (this obviously will take some time though)

Alright I move out. As in we both feel it would be better for me to move out and rent nearby while we sort things out. The family law solicitor seemed to agree that it was ok. I just don't want to be misinformed. Ideally we want to keep solicitors out of the equation due to the costs involved.

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 29/08/2020 08:45

We had a Separation Agreement in place for 5 years before we divorced, and it was fine, but the agreement was drawn up by a solicitor and agreed in writing by both of us.

You should be able to manage that with a solicitor by email/phone calls/zoom, if you are both in agreement as to what goes into the agreement.

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 29/08/2020 09:09

We are in agreement about things already which I think helps. I'm worried solicitors will try and play us off against each other.

OP posts:
TheBusDriver · 29/08/2020 13:57

Can she afford to buy you out? Have you checked this out yourself? What's the deal with child arrangements is it truly what you want? Just remember things change and it won't always be amicable

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 29/08/2020 14:47

Us splitting up isn't what I want but I also cannot change that.

She could if her parents were guarantors for her.

Child arrangements are verbally ok but provided I can get it written out in our agreement. At the end of the day her job is setup nicely for school hours. Which I couldn't accommodate

OP posts:
Yellowshirt · 29/08/2020 23:50

DO NOT MOVE OUT. I moved out with all those promises.
2 years on I'm in a 6 man bedsit whilst my ex wife is in our house with my 15 year old daughter.
House valuations have been ignored and pensions hidden.
Once you move out you give her full control. She will get a house valuation to suit her and you will not get 50 % of the house due to the children and the resident parent.
The equity in our house was £48000 two years a go. Including All assets the house and a government pension of 14 years I've been offered £21000.
We are now going to court as we can't agree financial settlement.

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 30/08/2020 05:18

Did you have any written agreements?

OP posts:
Yellowshirt · 30/08/2020 10:16

I got 3 house valuations before I left the house. She then dragged her feet so basically the house valuations have expired and then she conveniently got an estate agent in who gave her a much lower valuation.
I 've asked for access to the house to include getting more valuations and also because I own half of everything in it but if I step in she will apply for an occupation order. Once you leave things change in her favour.

JaggySplinter · 30/08/2020 12:48

I'd move out. It doesn't change anything legally, but overstaying your welcome will destroy any goodwill between you. My STBXH agreed to move out and allegedly signed rental contracts 3 times over 18 months, and then each time refused to move out on nebulous "advice" that he shouldn't until we had divorced or had a written agreement.

Unfortunately he also refused to get an agreement sorted, and in the end I had to force him to move out. The intervening 18 months were like hell, and we now both resent each other hugely.

Just move out, move on, and get everything in writing as soon as you can.

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 30/08/2020 13:54

@JaggySplinter

I'd move out. It doesn't change anything legally, but overstaying your welcome will destroy any goodwill between you. My STBXH agreed to move out and allegedly signed rental contracts 3 times over 18 months, and then each time refused to move out on nebulous "advice" that he shouldn't until we had divorced or had a written agreement.

Unfortunately he also refused to get an agreement sorted, and in the end I had to force him to move out. The intervening 18 months were like hell, and we now both resent each other hugely.

Just move out, move on, and get everything in writing as soon as you can.

Thankyou. This is the plan. Although I'm obviously still on the mortgage so have every right to stay here I know it's the wrong move. Unfortunately there isn't alot about at the moment (I'm being quite picky in regards to location) and I can only look at places on the weekend due to work. But I've been to look at one (was unsuitable, have some more viewings next weekend)

I've found a suitable property, excellent location and furnished (which would be helpful as I'm moving out with nothing) but it's £100 more a month than I was budgeting for.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 30/08/2020 14:08

I wouldn’t move out ! The person in the home pretty much holds the cards and it becomes less important/ urgent for them to deal with divorce and finances
Yellow shirt example may be the extreme but it’s not unheard of and quite common for the person in the fmh to drag their feet and not negotiate

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 30/08/2020 14:25

@millymollymoomoo

I wouldn’t move out ! The person in the home pretty much holds the cards and it becomes less important/ urgent for them to deal with divorce and finances Yellow shirt example may be the extreme but it’s not unheard of and quite common for the person in the fmh to drag their feet and not negotiate
I want to get a separation agreement sorted. When I spoke to the family law solicitor she said I can choose a date to as to when she would need to sort the mortgage by.
OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 30/08/2020 19:17

And if that doesn’t happen ? Then what ?

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 30/08/2020 20:21

Then I'd be able to move back into the home was the words from the solicitor. Obviously that's where things get more complicated. The thing is we both agree that the children are the most important piece of this puzzle. Neither of us are bad people and neither of us want anything other than to keep it as smooth sailing as possible. We still want to remain connected as such.

It's incredibly unfortunate that things have ended up this way but it has and there is no way her feelings will change.

Despite being a broken man who feels like his whole world is crumbling at his feet I know that the thing about rock bottom is that the only way is up. Providing I'm doing everything I can for my children then my mission is accomplished.

OP posts:
JaggySplinter · 30/08/2020 21:24

I certainly don't agree that the person in the FMH holds a the cards. In my case the opposite. It's my house, on my name's, but ex recorded his marital interest at the land registry. I can't sell without his permission. Ex pays nothing towards the house, rightly so as he doesn't live here and isn't on the mortgage. But I have been told that he will still probably get half the equity years down the line even without contributing since moving out.

I'm in a too big house, I can just make ends meet, but I want to downsize and can't. He won't go to mediation, won't reach a financial agreement and I'm stuck unless I take him to court.

Either party can behave badly and hold things up. Being I'm the FMH is not always van advantage or a better position to be in.

auberJohn · 30/08/2020 22:01

Once you move out, the status quo changes for everything.

Your time actively parenting the children will be reduced, which could be used against you in the family court by the other party to push for a major primary carer role and you an every other weekend dad (should it ever go to court).

Financially it could be claimed that you are financially capable of housing yourself, therefore upon divorce, the other party can push for a greater proportion of the marital assets.

Don't move out until you have an agreement about the children in an MOU at the very least.

Remember, divorce brings the worst out of people.

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 30/08/2020 22:25

@auberJohn

Once you move out, the status quo changes for everything.

Your time actively parenting the children will be reduced, which could be used against you in the family court by the other party to push for a major primary carer role and you an every other weekend dad (should it ever go to court).

Financially it could be claimed that you are financially capable of housing yourself, therefore upon divorce, the other party can push for a greater proportion of the marital assets.

Don't move out until you have an agreement about the children in an MOU at the very least.

Remember, divorce brings the worst out of people.

Our verbal agreement which she's happy to sign any agreements stating. is that I have them the whole weekend every other weekend and a day every week. They will be allowed to come over at any other time of they wish, I will still take them to school 3 days a week. And can come and put them to bed some days too. We need to discuss school holidays too.

Financial assets I've agreed to give her a larger share of equity 60/40, I will pay the calculated child maintenance and will pay back a loan which was for joint purposes. There isn't anything else she can come at me for.

Also in the agreement would be a statement from her saying im leaving the family home for the right reasons, I am not deserting or abandoning her.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 31/08/2020 10:06

Not really sure why you posted tbh. You asked for some advice. Most people have given that which is, politely, you are bring naive and best not to move out. You seem to just want to ignore this. Which is fine, your life, up to you. But why ask for advice then keep simply stating that the risk people are suggesting simply won’t happen to you.
Crack on then

Original poster
Jimd2020 · 31/08/2020 10:32

@millymollymoomoo

Not really sure why you posted tbh. You asked for some advice. Most people have given that which is, politely, you are bring naive and best not to move out. You seem to just want to ignore this. Which is fine, your life, up to you. But why ask for advice then keep simply stating that the risk people are suggesting simply won’t happen to you. Crack on then
Advice taken and is appreciated. I'm not saying it won't happen like people are saying but at the same time I was also looking for some reassurance from others that may have gone through it in a way I'm describing.
OP posts:
JaggySplinter · 31/08/2020 17:38

Actually, I think everything sounds really civil and if it's in a written separation agreement then it sounds like a good plan.

millymoo1202 · 31/08/2020 18:09

You are right in that you have a legal right to be in the home but what are you going to achieve? My ex and I separated over a year ago and are still in same house, mainly due to him dragging his feet at every opportunity, he could’ve rented or bought against this home. If you wish to kill your relationship with the mother of your children and most probably your kids then go ahead and stay. I know what I would’ve done if I’d been in his financial situation!

Yellowshirt · 31/08/2020 18:17

@millymoo1202 why didn't you move out then?

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