Pregnant and husband leaving please help

[Mama8765]

I posted this on the relationships board not realising this board was here.

I have a nearly three year old and a baby due in November and my husband walked out two nights ago and said he wanted to split up. I’ve had 6 weeks of him saying he wants to leave followed by him coming back and saying he doesn’t want to go. He was prescribed anti-depressants 5 weeks ago.

This time he understands that how he is treating me is unfair and has said he needs space to come to a final decision.

Please does anyone have any advice on what I can do practically or emotionally to prepare for him leaving? I don’t know where to begin.

It sounds like he needs to see his doctor and get the medication looked into

He can't possibly make a big decision like that while he's getting used to his medication, please encourage him to give it a few months to see how he feels when the antidepressants are working

What do you want him to do? Are you happy with him?

Thank you for replying.

I told him I understand he needs space and said I’m happy to do that but I asked him to contact his dr or speak to someone on a mental health helpline while he’s away. @MissSmiley I’m worried that a few months time is right when our baby is due which I think will add pressure.

I want him to get better and realise he wants to be with us. I’m worried that my trust that he will stay is gone and I don’t know how to get that back, especially when I have labour and a newborn to contend with. I would like us to see a relationship counsellor but he won’t go.

I want to know what to do in case he comes back and says he’s leaving which is what I’m expecting now. Is it worth trying to get legal advice now? At what point do I contact the council about a reduction in council tax? He says he will keep us in the house but how do I know that he won’t change his mind?

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Your priority right now is you and the children.

Tell him to go and have his space for an agreed period of time. But to stop the comings and going's. Do you know where he is staying.

Gather good people around you for support. I would seek legal advice. Look Into benefits and CMS website. It is better to be prepared so you know what the situation would be if things don't work out. And don't believe his promises. I am sure you have read enough on here to know they are usually short lived.

I'm sorry to say my ex was like this with me. I don't doubt he was in turmoil over splitting up and leaving the children and this must be an awful position to be in to be the one who wants to leave. But in my situation it was part of the game playing. It meant I remained sympathetic and supportive. Even though he was seeing someone else (not that I knew this bit). And out partying most nights. Whilst I was home worried and broken hearted. He didn't give a shit about me.

Just bare in mind even those we think we know the best and love play games and lie.

I hope he can seek out professional help and get to a better place for you all.

Stay strong and go Day by day.

Get everything that you can switched into your name only. Insist on a financial arrangement if he is living separately. Look into the legalities of where you stand if it becomes permanent. Take your contributions out of any joint accounts and store them separately for now.

@unicornsarereal72 Thank you. I’m so sorry you had to go through this too.
He is self-employed so I need somewhere to find out how the inconsistency in his income would impact on CMS. I also don’t know at what point I could claim any benefits I am entitled to as how do you prove he has officially moved out if he does? I dropped my hours to two days after having our daughter so I am worried financially anyway, irrespective of the fact I’m going on maternity soon.

I understand that feeling of not being given a shit about completely. And through that I feel like he doesn’t care about our children which breaks my heart. He says he feels no connection to the new baby because he hasn’t been able to attend any appointments due to Covid.

@uglyface we have a joint account but I actually don’t really use it. His pay goes in and all the bills inc. mortgage goes out from there whereas my pay goes into my own account and I pay for food, everything for my toddler, house, holidays, meals out etc. It sounds like I need to look at the joint account if I can and also work out how to change child benefit into my name?
I’m scared to do any of this before he makes his final decision as I don’t want him to find out and it influence him but at least I know and can find out how to do these things before next week.

I’m trying to take it all bit by bit and keep busy.

I think you are in a difficult situation. And whilst I sympathise with anyone who has MH problems you must now impose boundaries.

It must be an absolute fixed boundary that he sees a doctor to get a diagnosis and complies with his medically prescribed treatment plan. No messing around with self diagnosis or self prescribed care. Believe me when I say you won’t want to deal with him otherwise.

Practically you need some form of commitment from him for financial support. First step, work out the family finances (use the templates on money saving to ensure it’s comprehensive). Then look at your income based on entitlements as a single parent and the basic CMS you will be getting. Identify costs he remains jointly or fully liable for, E.g housing costs and debt. When you have a figure that keeps your head above water, tell him that he needs to transfer that amount every month. Give him the choice of how he pays child maintenance, involving CMS or not. Being self employed it might be better for you if he agrees to this informally.

You need to move forward with your life. Decide what you are, don’t be told by him.He’s either sick or lying.

In your shoes I would decide to be separated until and unless you get the truth from a well man.

Thank you.

I spoke to a solicitor friend of mine (not in family law but has colleagues who are) who gave me a list of financial details to find out before I get some initial free legal advice which she said she will help with.

He has done what I asked and contacted a mental health charity, spoken to his doctor again and his brother and friends. Today he has said he has decided what he wants to do and from the brief messages we have exchanged it sounds like he wants a conversation about what we both need from the relationship and is hoping to get things back on track. I've told him I'm not ready to have that conversation just yet. It is what I wanted but a long way from what I was expecting so I haven't put any thought into what I need really. I'm feeling very concerned about getting any trust back that he won't do it again too.

What does he mean by “spoken to”? Because it sounds like the filibustering you get from people are either using MH as an excuse to avoid life decisions or someone who is avoiding medical care.

Assuming he isn’t lying about his health. The fact of the matter is that he has pulled his family apart because of it and isn’t doing anything to put it right. He claims to be to ill to function. That means he needs medical intervention and you can demand that he demonstrates this to you. If he doesn’t move on.

I’m sorry but you need to take control for you children’s sake. He’s not there for you as a partner and you should not wait around until he decides. Take action to formally separate.

Thank you. I was right about him wanting to give it another go. We had a long talk about how we have both been neglecting our relationship really since our toddler was born and how easy it is to start resenting the other parent. He apologised for the last couple of months and said he is struggling to deal with the guilt of what he has done because of his mental health at the moment. He knows it will take time to get things back on track.

The dr has told him to give the current tablets another week and they will ring him then to discuss changing the medication if things are no better next week.

I feel very torn. I wanted him to come back but part of me feels like his behaviour is more unacceptable than he is taking responsibility for. He has apologised a few times so I don’t really know what else I am looking for.

Where is he staying if he isnt at home?

What else has he done to address his mental health. There are various man gangs up and down the country he could access for support. Exercise is good for your mood will he try to be more active.

Young children are hard work and you will be having a new baby in the mix too. Adult relationships get neglected. Is he prepared for that over the next 12 months or so? That your focus will mostly be the children?

Do you have family for support so you can spend time together without the children.

Other than this difficult time what is your relationship like. Does he do his share so you feel loved and supported. Or do you think you are kicking your problem further down the road.

I know I hung in a bad relationship for the sake of family. I was never a priority to my ex. He was a difficult and selfish man. I deserve a lot better but excepted his behaviour to keep the peace.

When my DH went on antidepressants it took about 4 weeks before I noticed any difference. Then every month, up until about 6 months, he got better.
5 weeks isn’t a long time, hang on in there, but realise that this might be the end anyway. The antidepressants aren’t a miracle drug so prepare for the worst, but I understand that you will hope for the best.

What immediate actions is he taking to regain your trust and faith in him?

He can say sorry till the cows come home it's a useless word.

Thank you all for your replies. I've been trying to put this to the back of my mind but it hasn't really worked. He has stayed since I last posted but I'm feeling so hurt by it all that I'm bursting into tears and struggling to sleep. He still can't cope with me being upset so I'm trying to hide it from him and our toddler but I can't stop the tears then at night which is pushing him away.
@unicornsarereal72 he does do quite a bit around the house. I think he wants a medal for it sometimes but practically he does help out.
I don't think he's at all prepared for the next 12 months, no, which is making me even more anxious.
@AskingforaBaskin he says he is trying to help when I'm upset. He gave me a hug the other night when I was crying but then was uptight the whole next day and said he needed space. He says it would be different if I were upset about something else but he wants to escape when I get upset about everything that's been happening. It's a vicious cycle of me worrying so getting upset and then that pushing him away. I said last night I just wanted some reassurance that I was loved and he wanted to be with me and he said he couldn't do this right now.

I’m sorry op but I would tell him to go. He’s playing the injured party when he’s actually the one at fault.
I would suggest to him that he sorts himself out before he comes back or it’s over.
It must feel like a form of slow torture to you at the moment.

Yes, it does. In fact, I told him I felt like this was emotional torture before he left a week and a half ago.

So he isn't actually caring for you, or actually trying to heal the damage he has closed. He wants you to shut up and go back to fawning over him?

He can't have a competitor for sympathy. As far as he's concerned there can only ever be one injured party and it much be him.

He will never step up and stand with you as an equal partner.
He's so incredibly selfish. You don't deserve this treatment.

I seriously can't believe some the comments on here about someone who is (apparently) undergoing a really traumatic mental health transformation and can probably barely think straight.
These drugs can really fuck you up for a while.
And if you haven't done it then shut up!
A bit of time and then try talking. The lack of empathy and sympathy on here is despicable.
O.P. it feels like he really is trying

I thought he was trying. He has been telling me he is. But I used his work computer this morning and his email came up with an email from him to a landlord saying he wanted to rent the flat he'd viewed yesterday. He told me he was going to the post office but he'd been to view a flat.
I messaged him and said I'd seen it and he admitted he was moving out next week and wasn't going to tell me until then because although he knew it was selfish he thought it would be better for our household. He's left now.
Back to figuring out where I start with finance I suppose - do I need to talk to him about child maintenance first or try and work out if I'm entitled to benefits?Maternity pay starts in less than 8 weeks so I need to look into it quickly.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I think your DH is being incredibly unfair to you and your children - but if this is the way he behaves (and you may not see/feel this now) then it perhaps is for the best that he goes rather than stays and makes you all very confused and upset. From your posts it sounds like he is selfish and deceitful and having depression doesn’t absolve a person of this behaviour. Believe that there will be a better day for you and your babies. You will get through this and be happy again.

Thank you @porcelinaofthevastoceanss it helps to hear that I will be happy again at some point.
My friends and family are wonderful which is really helping. I think I need to sort out legal or financial advice in the morning as that is making me very anxious.

Bleurgh sounds so familiar. The secrecy, the lies, fishing for sympathy, not wanting to really listen or care.

Get your ducks in a row OP 🙂 you will be fine. You will be free of all this messing about for a start.

Check out universal credit / benefits entitledto.co.uk is good

Start creating your own future

Re the meds, have you actually seen him take them? Could be lying. Can you tell I'm cynical ha. Mine lied and lied and lied while I played the save your marriage game. Was 'lost' etc needed to find himself. But bottom line just didn't really care. Amazing how they can say stuff that sounds kind of genuine.

Behaviour not words - very important. Behaviour is more indicative of what is really going on.

You will be fine. Women are amazing.

Child maintenance is worked out of gov website according to how often he will have kids - not newborn. If he's moving out you're on your way 🙂 . It might be hard, heartbreaking but he doesn't sound like he's being very 'there' at the moment anyway. Lean on your friends and family 🙂.

And chumplady.com

@Mama8765

I posted this on the relationships board not realising this board was here.

I have a nearly three year old and a baby due in November and my husband walked out two nights ago and said he wanted to split up. I’ve had 6 weeks of him saying he wants to leave followed by him coming back and saying he doesn’t want to go. He was prescribed anti-depressants 5 weeks ago.

This time he understands that how he is treating me is unfair and has said he needs space to come to a final decision.

Please does anyone have any advice on what I can do practically or emotionally to prepare for him leaving? I don’t know where to begin.

Get your ducks on a row and if he works on himself and comes back (if that's what you want) then great, but I would make it clear that if he just wants some space again then he can go for good. I know that's harsh but it's not fair on your or the kids.

Follow the advice of the other posters. He must be lying. Ltb