Pregnant and husband leaving please help

[Mama8765]

I posted this on the relationships board not realising this board was here.

I have a nearly three year old and a baby due in November and my husband walked out two nights ago and said he wanted to split up. I’ve had 6 weeks of him saying he wants to leave followed by him coming back and saying he doesn’t want to go. He was prescribed anti-depressants 5 weeks ago.

This time he understands that how he is treating me is unfair and has said he needs space to come to a final decision.

Please does anyone have any advice on what I can do practically or emotionally to prepare for him leaving? I don’t know where to begin.

Thank you all. He's moved into the flat today. I'm trying to sort out benefits and finances etc and feeling incredibly overwhelmed with it all. He wants our daughter to stay overnight but I think it's a step too far for her. She started nursery this week, he left the same week, she has a new brother or sister on the way and has only spent about 4 nights away from me, ever. And those have been in her own bed at home. He thinks it would be best for her to get her into a routine there straight away.

@blackcurrantjam I'm sorry you went through something similar. I suppose I will have to wait and see what his behaviour is like.

Overnight maybe a little too soon, I think it would be best to settle her i to nursery and settle her with the new arrival but I do agree it’s a good idea to get into a routine to provide stability and that overnights should happen. Perhaps work to a timetable over the next couple of months by increasing the time she’s there ?

Yeah.

I feel stuck now. I'm unable to stop going over the past few months and beyond in my head and try and work out why he's walked away now, in a pandemic, when I'm pregnant and he's on antidepressants. We planned this baby together.

Him taking our toddler is just awful. I miss her so much when he's got her for the day or afternoon. Is there anyone who has been through this? How long did it take to feel better?

Aw OP it's so hard, such an appalling situation . Being pregnant too 😣 such a nightmare. Well done you for getting benefits sorted etc, keep going on things like this to plan your own future. The days without your toddler do get easier, a bit, try doing things that'll help your future, doing a course? Learning a new skill, or just watching Netflix eating ice cream. It will get easier, it will, make sure you spend time with people who get you and love you, this is a really tough situation for you xxxx

I'm 9 months in, my baby was 10mo when he left :( I've got other kids too :(. It does get easier but it's Def a new normal and mine appears to have has a personality transplant so the disbelief at my end is sometimes palpable. I found the book runaway husbands surprisingly helpful.

Thank you both. I'm struggling to see how things will get easier at the moment, with the headlines about the pandemic getting worse and the birth 7 weeks away.
I've not heard of Runaway Husbands. I'll look into it. Is it easier 9 months in?
I honestly don't recognise him sometimes when he speaks to me. It's like a different person to the one I was married to. He told me this week I'll "need" him when baby arrives. How could he say that when he left?

Nearly two years in and it does get better but it is slow. The nugget of wisdom I can offer is that this is about him and not about you. It is really easy to look for reasons for why this happened but it is about what is going on in his head, his character and his history which you have no access to so leave it alone. Your children need you so get him out of your head. He will try and blame you for everything but it is his baggage or shadow if you want to get Jungean and not yours. If it makes you feel better he will take it all with him and he will repeat this behaviour in his next relationship. There is more than likely a meddler in the mix. It may be an affair partner but it might just be a family member, friend or work colleague who is listening to his angst and encouraging him to leave and be his best self, single buddy or whatever. You can't stop this. You can only focus on yourself and your children and not engage with his BS.

He is not your friend and he will lie and evade and get nasty or just retreat because he has to maintain the fiction that he is a good man despite all the evidence to the contrary.

The website Lessons from the end of a Marriage and the book Runaway Husbands really helped.

What a bastard, I'm so sorry

Mental health issues or not, he's treated you appallingly.

Some practical points:

Now he's moved out you can claim Universal Credit, single person discount for Council Tax, and probably Council Tax Reduction as well. To work out your benefit entitlement you can use an online calculator like Entitledto or Turn2Us, or contact your local Citizens Advice and ask them.

He should be paying child maintenance but as he's self employed it will be difficult to enforce via CMS, hopefully you have got some financial information as requested by your solicitor friend and you can get some legal advice ASAP.

Is the family home jointly owned with a joint mortgage?

As for child contact, the important thing is what's in the best interests of the child, so if you don't feel that overnights would be in her best interest just yet, you don't have to agree. You might find meditation helpful to try and reach an agreement.

Lots of helpful info here

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/divorce

Also have you considered support for the birth, do you have someone who would make a good birth partner (mum, sister, friend)? If I were you I wouldn't want him anywhere near me.

Hiya, I would say it is Def easier 9 months in. The first few months were truly awful :(. Friends and family have been really amazing which has helped and the tips and links on Mumsnet have also helped a lot. I am still sometimes sad about it and really really angry now at times. Like it's hard to describe the way I even feel about him I'm so angry. He's just been the biggest knobjockey lol and it's the weirdest thing looking at someone and just not recognising them?! What mostlydrinktea said does resonate and I think there had to have been someone in the background encouraging this fiction as some of what he says honestly doesn't seem based in reality. Like rubbishing the marriage, making me out to be an evil witch. It's all been done before though and it's amazing how many men do it

As for the comment about you needing him. Well yes but he left as you say. I think you can 'need him' but let it be entirely on your terms. And those might well be he can piss right off terms lol.