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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorcing dh but still living together

31 replies

Lincoln990 · 24/08/2020 17:55

I posted in AIBU but realise I should have posted on here!
Started divorce process in Feb but still living with dh as he has nowhere to go (family living abroad).
Just wondring how many others are in this situation.

OP posts:
Glittergirl80 · 24/08/2020 21:22

that'll be me Confused its awful isn't it? i only told him 3 weeks ago but is refusing to move out even though he could go and stay with his mum. i'm planning to try buy him out the house but he's making it difficult! We have 2 DSs aged 11 and 8 they don't know yet. How ru coping? that's a long time u've suffered this already xx

Original poster
Lincoln990 · 24/08/2020 22:26

Yea. DH is "pretending" to make an effort and all that but I know it's only short term and we'll end up with the same issues we always had! I've been unhappy for years. Only thing is I can't afford to buy him out, is there any way I could keep the house?

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Glittergirl80 · 24/08/2020 22:30

omg u sound exactly like me! all the issues i tried to discuss with him he ignored he's now "making an effort " with but the love has gone and my heart's not in trying anymore. I've been told by my lawyer thar because i've worked part time since my eldest was born and because our 2 sons will live with me i might be entitled to more than half of all assets but just at the very beginning of negotiations is this in anyway similar to u? my house is paid off fully and he is a retired police officer so i may be fortunate enough to be able to go after his pension if i need to. probably makes me sound like a bitch but need to do what's best for me and my beautiful boys. i hope u can find a way xx

Original poster
Lincoln990 · 24/08/2020 23:14

Ah our house still has a big mortgage! So not sure how I can keep the house. For 2 dcs

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 24/08/2020 23:29

Re keeping the house it really depends on

Both of your earnings
Size vs needs
Your ability to take over the mortgage and ongoing bills and whether a mortgage company would allow this
Share of equity /assets
Whether or not you’d be in spousal maintenance territory
His ability to house himself if equity / share deferred

GlassOfProsecco · 25/08/2020 11:28

Me too Sad

I told him at the end of the year I was done. He is refusing to sell the house & wanting me to fuck off with 40K equity. Leaving him in the house with the DC (when I've been the primary carer)

Lawyers are involved......

Original poster
Lincoln990 · 25/08/2020 13:31

I work as a postwoman so don't earn much and dh is a nurse (he does earn more than me)

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 25/08/2020 13:52

Well it will be very unlikely he’d have to pay spousal maintenance as a nurse.... so you need to think about how you’d pay for the house alone.

Original poster
Lincoln990 · 25/08/2020 13:54

If I manage to pay for the house alone (Mortgage and bills etc) will I be able to keep the house without paying him off? Is that ever possible?

OP posts:
Glittergirl80 · 25/08/2020 15:57

@Lincoln990

If I manage to pay for the house alone (Mortgage and bills etc) will I be able to keep the house without paying him off? Is that ever possible?
only if u have assets that would match what he was due from the house e.g savings or his pension?
LemonTT · 25/08/2020 16:33

The option to remain in the house is a Mesher order. You will need to satisfy a number of conditions to get this awarded or agreed to.

It means he leaves his share of equity in the house for a period of time. But at some point you have to give him that share or sell up. This option kicks a problem down the road. If you think that there is a point when you can afford to pay him out it’s ok. But remember uk house prices out perform wages and that payment you own him could grow.

I have no idea if this is suitable for you and him. A nurse isn’t a big earner so it’s unlikely his needs will be met under such an arrangement. Still if he has an NHS pension it will have value and may be a point of negotiation.

BaskingMad · 26/08/2020 21:48

Same here. We’re divorcing but living together until i can buy him out once our current mortgage fixed deal runs out next year (how handy, i never thought i was going to be in this position 3 years ago)
How are your daily comms? We resort to being civil to each other and i get angry more often than i’d like because since decision to divorce was made he stopped doing anything in the house (not that he was doing much anyways!). It’s become his hotel- he leaves early and comes back for bedtime late. Does nothing. Grrr... i digress.
I hope this won’t last long, for any of us

Original poster
Lincoln990 · 26/08/2020 21:52

Comms are ok actually. I think he's still in denial about it as he's doing the opposite to your dh, making more of an effort than ever before! He even suggested we have family meals together! My sister says he's just pretending and if I fall for his charms this good behaviour won't last long!

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Glittergirl80 · 26/08/2020 23:35

@BaskingMad

Same here. We’re divorcing but living together until i can buy him out once our current mortgage fixed deal runs out next year (how handy, i never thought i was going to be in this position 3 years ago) How are your daily comms? We resort to being civil to each other and i get angry more often than i’d like because since decision to divorce was made he stopped doing anything in the house (not that he was doing much anyways!). It’s become his hotel- he leaves early and comes back for bedtime late. Does nothing. Grrr... i digress. I hope this won’t last long, for any of us
My STBXH is the same did practically nothing does literally nothing but any conversation is painfully polite. i'm with u l hope we can all move on soon xx
Original poster
Lincoln990 · 27/08/2020 18:36

Ok is it weird that my comms are like that ^

OP posts:
Bence69 · 30/08/2020 13:30

Ive spent the last two years living my my husband while divorce & all the other shit that comes with it drags on. I honestly through I was the only one this could be happening too x

Jimd2020 · 30/08/2020 14:34

@Lincoln990

If I manage to pay for the house alone (Mortgage and bills etc) will I be able to keep the house without paying him off? Is that ever possible?
Could you get a family member to act as a guarantor? That's another option that could be worth looking at. The mesher order mentioned above is the only other way.
Original poster
Lincoln990 · 30/08/2020 16:57

@Jimd2020 thank you for mentioning that option. The house is worth 400k do you have any idea how much I'd have to pay him off? I willlook into the guarantor option..

OP posts:
minnieok · 30/08/2020 17:20

We lived together for 7 months, it was mostly ok and better financially. He rented somewhere for a bit but he's now back in the house and I moved away (my choice). Dc are adults though so less to consider

Jimd2020 · 30/08/2020 17:27

[quote Lincoln990]@Jimd2020 thank you for mentioning that option. The house is worth 400k do you have any idea how much I'd have to pay him off? I willlook into the guarantor option..[/quote]
I don't know exactly no. I think the starting point is 50:50 (of the equity only)

I've agreed with my wife on a 60:40 split in her favour as the children will reside with her, it's going to be difficult enough to buy me out and I'm nice.

Original poster
Lincoln990 · 30/08/2020 17:33

Ah I see, sorry is the equity the deposit that was paid for the house?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 30/08/2020 17:42

Equity is house sale value less mortgage ( and reasonable selling costs )

DidoAtTheLido · 30/08/2020 17:43

The equity is how much if the house is owned rather than mortgaged. So typically deposit and repayments and any increase in value.

Or, the current value of the house, minus what is owed on the mortgage.

Original poster
Lincoln990 · 30/08/2020 17:45

I see, so if I "paid him off" I could remain in the family home?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lincoln990 · 30/08/2020 17:46

So say the equity of the house was 40 k I would have to pay him that to remain in the house?

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