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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He can’t afford to leave....

49 replies

Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 13:36

I have posted before about my long term relationship. After many years of emotional neglect, being relied on financially, no sex life or intimacy and just generally being miserable I ended my 13 year relationship. We have 2 sons.
The plan was for my ex to move out in April- he could barely afford this apparently, but it was all arranged, then lockdown hit.
He’s been here ever since.
I still pay for everything. He’s been furloughed so no sign of being able to afford to leave.
We get along, we are amicable, he pulls his weight with the kids and housework.... but I do not want him here.
This is a rented house which I am solely responsible for. He’s far too comfortable here and why wouldn’t he be? What an easy life.
I know I need to tell him it’s time to go, but he can not afford to rent anywhere so that leaves him with one option - staying with his mum.
I guess what I am asking is for reassurance I would not be a complete bitch asking him for a proper plan now that lockdown is easing? I don’t know why but the thought of me asking him to go is filling me with dread and I almost feel like a home wrecker despite the fact we separated 6 months ago and I am still financially responsible for this man.
I want to be able to move on with my life. As far as I can tell I think he’s just thinking we are doing a brilliant job co-parenting under the same roof as separated parents, what a lovely cosy arrangement he has with no bills, very little responsibility and access to the kids whenever he wants. Any advice on how I can broach this awkward conversation would be much appreciated. I feel like a doormat when in reality I am not, I have a good career in which I am well respected, yet anything to do with this man makes me feel so weak.

OP posts:
HelpMeh · 18/07/2020 13:42

If he's furloughed, he's being paid. How much is he being paid?

Presumably he can afford to rent something, even if it's a room in a shared house for now? He may be entitled to benefits of some kind once he's moved out, has he checked?

netstaller · 18/07/2020 14:30

Just put on your big girl pants and tell him
. He has no right to be completely reliant on you anymore and he must know it, you're separated now x

Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 14:31

I have no idea how much he’s actually taking home... that could be a whole other thread. I know his basic salary is £18,000 plus bonus so I assume 80% of his basic wage which really wouldn’t be enough for deposits, fees etc. As far as I know he was getting help from his parents with this back in April, so I’m just stumped as to how moving is now impossible if it was an option back then.
I agree a shared room would work, but he said there’s no way he’s doing that and it also wouldn’t be suitable to take the children there. I’m torn between thinking he’s the father of my kids and I should let him stay here and also being really fucking angry that I am still paying for absolutely everything myself (this has gone on for years) and my every move is questioned. I can’t even go and see a friend for a walk without the silent treatment for 24 hours. If I’m on the phone he eavesdrops.. it’s just a nightmare

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 14:32

@netstaller thank you. This is the type of reality check I need.
Keep it coming!

OP posts:
netstaller · 18/07/2020 14:36

You can do it! He will sort something out if he has to, even if that means living with his mum and saving for a little while. He's not your responsibility anymore - worst case you could give him something towards a new place to hurry it up for no more than 6 months. If you're getting divorced that's a different matter perhaps as he'd be entitled to some maintenance, however you just need sit down and rip the band aid off. It'll eat away at you if you don't and you'll end up on worse terms if you don't! X

FourDecades · 18/07/2020 14:42

whose name is the house in?

raindropshateyou · 18/07/2020 14:43

You've done great leaving it as long as you have. Tell him to go to his mothers!

willowmelangell · 18/07/2020 15:02

If talking is difficult, and I completely understand that, send a few emails on 1 bed rentals. It wouldn't be awful for dc to take the bed and ex to sleep on couch for overnight stays.
His parents might pay the deposit as a loan until his work starts again. I might think about offering the 'marital bed' as part of his leaving package, you could buy yourself whatever you fancy.
Perhaps you could say, very casually, 'Will you be taking your wardrobe/2nd settee/tv/microwave when you leave?
He might reply, 'I hadn't thought about it.' You then say, 'Well I think it is time to, don't you?'
A single bloke needs a bed, tv, settee, microwave etc absolute minimum.
When I left my marriage I didn't take any electricals or furniture. It was so tough. Cardboard box for a table kind of tough. When he leaves, a generous few boxes of set up home stuff is a small price to pay.
You know he is self deluded as to the facts. One property to rent email might start the ball rolling.

Fairenuff · 18/07/2020 15:04

Just tell him to go, what's the problem?

Alexandernevermind · 18/07/2020 15:10

If we flip this, if your friend or sister was in the same position what would you say?
Maybe going forward have something in writing to formalise. Give him a deadline of moving out by X date and in the meantime you know he is earning so he MUST pay your rent coming his share of the rent bills and food.

Alexandernevermind · 18/07/2020 15:12

Uhh last bit didn't make sense - should read he must pay you rent covering his share of bill, food and rent.

Berthatydfil · 18/07/2020 15:14

Who’s name is the tenancy in? Could you find somewhere else and put the tenancy in your name and move out of where you are and don’t take him with you.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 18/07/2020 15:20

Just tell him to give you his half of all the costs then. He’ll be leaving you sharpish.

Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 15:23

The tenancy was in join names, I took it over when it was due for renewal in March so it’s in my name and I’d be very reluctant to leave. It’s a lovely house, a stable long term tenancy and ultimately my children are settled here. The idea of moving was suggested to me and I totally see how that would force his hand, but I’d lose my deposit and incur the costs of moving which I don’t feel I should have to considering.
All of the furniture etc in the house belong to me, other than the television in the living room. He’s been looking at places fully furnished and I have said he can take whatever he needs in terms of bedding, crockery etc. He’s said he will only take his tv.
I worry about the effect this will have on the kids. It’s almost as though the separation hasn’t happened and it’s going to be painful all over again when he goes but it’s something that has to happen and soon. I really appreciate everyone’s advice and realise how weak I must sound in all of this - I’m really not like that in any other aspect of my life so I want to try and find a way to be more assertive with him not just now but also in the long term.
He’s also told me that because all of his wages will be taken up by bills he won’t be able to afford to pay any maintenance at all... it’s just all a shit show really isn’t it? Quite pathetic for an intelligent 36 year old man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 15:25

I’m also finding myself mulling over painful experiences from the past, times where he’s been violent, controlling, emotionally abusive and I’m so angry about it.
Does anyone know whether a GP would see that as a valid reason for counselling? I couldn’t really afford to pay for it but I definitely need help processing what’s happened and getting back to the old me. Even online stuff might be helpful if anyone has any suggestions

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 18/07/2020 15:32

his basic salary is £18,000 plus bonus so I assume 80% of his basic wage which really wouldn’t be enough for deposits, fees etc

But he's had four months of you paying for everything, so he'll have a few thousand saved up by now.

Butterer · 18/07/2020 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kazzer2867 · 18/07/2020 15:37

On a basic salary of £18k, he would be on £1,315 net monthly salary. You say he doesn't contribute towards any bills, so what is he doing with his money. My son is 20 and contributes more to our household than a 36 year old (how pathetic).

Come on OP. He's taking you for a mug.

Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 15:38

You’re absolutely right, I have no idea where his money has gone...he’s paid his phone bill and DS1’s phone bill, a monthly credit repayment and other than that there shouldn’t actually be any bills because I pay them all.
What’s ridiculous is I know for a fact if he goes to his mum’s she would expect contributions for staying there, yet I let him live here for free.
I need to read this thread over and over again and just bite the bullet

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/07/2020 15:42

You really do need to act now. He's had thousands over the last few months and hasn't contributed at all. That's really shocking. You should be furious. Tomorrow morning tell him he has to go.

HollowTalk · 18/07/2020 15:43

And contact the child support people immediately.

tara66 · 18/07/2020 16:04

I do not understand why moving him out now is a problem when it was all arranged you said a few months ago before the virus? We are not so much in ''lock down'' now so the logic is that he starts moving out. Regarding what he will be paying you after a divorce for child maintenance - it seems more likely you will be paying him as you have been financially supporting him - which counts. If he continues there with you he must start paying or you may always have to support him.

RedRumTheHorse · 18/07/2020 16:12

If the tenancy is now in your sole name ask him to leave in 7 days time.

Send him a text message requesting he leave. Do not reply to any messages or discuss with him about your request in any shape or form.

He has no legal right to reside with you. Read this properly if you are in England - england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/eviction_of_lodgers_and_other_excluded_occupiers

If he then doesn't leave contact Womans Aid as they will tell you how to get him out.

Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 16:23

Just to clarify, we are not married despite how long we have been together. I’d assume therefore there is no requirement for me to support him.
He has a job. It’s not the same as if he was a SAHP to allow me to continue my career, we’ve always both worked full time, it just so happens I allowed this stupid situation to happen where I was responsible for all costs. Meanwhile he’s spent all of his money, got into an enormous amount of debt and didn’t tell me anything.
The reason he stayed was during lockdown we figured it would make more sense for him to be here to see the kids, also I have been and continue to work from home and with 2 children here it would be nigh on impossible without his help.
He’s now back in work, I’m going to be working from home forever. DS2 is returning to nursery in August, meaning I just had DS1 at home as he won’t be back in school until September... so then there’s not even the childcare argument anymore. It’s definitely time to go, I just feel so awkward bringing it up...I feel so stupid and weak.

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 18/07/2020 16:34

OP that's why I said text him and state that you give him 7 days notice to move out.

He will try and discuss it with you either verbally, by messaging or both. You must not respond

If he is still in your house next Saturday you can either:

  1. Ask your landlord if you can change the locks. Do it when he is out and if he tries to enter call the police saying he is trying to enter.
OR
  1. You can contact Woman's Aid to get further advice on how to get the police involved to stop him entering.