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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He can’t afford to leave....

49 replies

Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 13:36

I have posted before about my long term relationship. After many years of emotional neglect, being relied on financially, no sex life or intimacy and just generally being miserable I ended my 13 year relationship. We have 2 sons.
The plan was for my ex to move out in April- he could barely afford this apparently, but it was all arranged, then lockdown hit.
He’s been here ever since.
I still pay for everything. He’s been furloughed so no sign of being able to afford to leave.
We get along, we are amicable, he pulls his weight with the kids and housework.... but I do not want him here.
This is a rented house which I am solely responsible for. He’s far too comfortable here and why wouldn’t he be? What an easy life.
I know I need to tell him it’s time to go, but he can not afford to rent anywhere so that leaves him with one option - staying with his mum.
I guess what I am asking is for reassurance I would not be a complete bitch asking him for a proper plan now that lockdown is easing? I don’t know why but the thought of me asking him to go is filling me with dread and I almost feel like a home wrecker despite the fact we separated 6 months ago and I am still financially responsible for this man.
I want to be able to move on with my life. As far as I can tell I think he’s just thinking we are doing a brilliant job co-parenting under the same roof as separated parents, what a lovely cosy arrangement he has with no bills, very little responsibility and access to the kids whenever he wants. Any advice on how I can broach this awkward conversation would be much appreciated. I feel like a doormat when in reality I am not, I have a good career in which I am well respected, yet anything to do with this man makes me feel so weak.

OP posts:
LittleDonk · 18/07/2020 16:39

Agree with above. Tell him he's had his free ride long enough and he has 7 days to leave.

Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 16:43

Thank you everyone. I’m feeling stronger already. I guess I just needed reminding that this is really not my responsibility and the free ride has ended!

OP posts:
lufcaregoingup · 18/07/2020 16:45

You can do it OP. He has the money to move or the option to move to his mothers. If you need to vent come on here!

Twisique · 18/07/2020 16:58

Can you at least change the locks so he has to knock and ask to be let in?

forrestgreen · 18/07/2020 17:02

"Hi, I thought this was better said via text then neither of us will be upset in front of the children. In April we discussed you moving out, due to corona you've had 3months extra to save. With that in mind we need to move on and separate fully, so you're last night here can be x. When you're organised we'll sit the children down and explain you've got a new place and they'll be going to visit you there.

Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 17:12

@forrestgreen that’s a really good way to word things thank you

OP posts:
3rdNamechange · 18/07/2020 17:16

And tell him you'll be going thorough CMS.

3rdNamechange · 18/07/2020 17:17

*through

Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 18/07/2020 17:38

I’ll definitely go through CMS. No two ways about it.
Here’s a question, because his wages fluctuate depending on bonus, will the % paid to me also change or is it a set amount based on basic salary?

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 19/07/2020 17:18

CMS will use his wage from the last tax year. They only reassess the figures if the paying parent earns 25% more or less.

Though at the moment they are screwing parents around therefore don't rely on his money coming in.

netstaller · 19/07/2020 17:58

7 days seems a bit harsh in the current climate op, 14 is a bit fairer. But he should still move out

Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 19/07/2020 18:10

How do they get information about his wages? Does he have to provide this or will they ask HMRC? Sorry for all the questions, I’ve never been through this before!
I’d definitely not expect him to leave in 7 days. That would be a bit dramatic for the kids too. They’ve come to terms with the split months ago, but I feel this is going to cause heartache again and the less disruption and upset caused the better.

OP posts:
FourDecades · 20/07/2020 06:56

@Whatsmynextmove

How do they get information about his wages? Does he have to provide this or will they ask HMRC? Sorry for all the questions, I’ve never been through this before! I’d definitely not expect him to leave in 7 days. That would be a bit dramatic for the kids too. They’ve come to terms with the split months ago, but I feel this is going to cause heartache again and the less disruption and upset caused the better.
7 days is more then enough. You're only delaying the inevitable.

If you want him to go then he goes. .... or maybe your reluctance to giving him a deadline is because deep down you want him to stay?

FourDecades · 20/07/2020 06:59

Also, l think it's more upsetting for the DC that they know you have split...but have continued living in the same house. That is very confusing and playing with their emotions as there is always that hope you'll reconcile.

MalificentJones · 20/07/2020 07:22

Our household finances sound similar to yours. One of us if furloughed and the other is still working as normal and we have two dc.

We’ve found out outgoings have reduced. Less petrol and clothing costs. No meals out. No day trips. No school trips, events, after school clubs or activities. No hairdresser, kids parties/presents, home improvements or new plants for the garden.

I could far more easily pay for a flat now than I could before lockdown.

netstaller · 20/07/2020 15:16

Any update OP? What's the latest?

Annonymiss123 · 20/07/2020 15:26

Today is the 20th. If you give him til the last day of the month, 31st, I'd consider that more than fair. Good luck.

Original poster
Whatsmynextmove · 20/07/2020 16:03

We had a big talk last night which erupted into a huge argument. He is looking for somewhere and will leave ASAP. I’m glad I got it all off my chest, despite the argument being so awful. Thanks everyone for your advice and wise words

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 20/07/2020 16:58

Keep looking forward. Make sure this isn't just him making promises, then tries to keep you sweet.

FourDecades · 20/07/2020 19:47

@Whatsmynextmove - good for you. Still give him a deadline though as he'll string it out otherwise

GracieLane · 20/07/2020 20:14

He's a cocklodger. Only if you no longer want the cock he's just a lodger that's not paying anything. This would be a squatter. Squatting is illegal. So you can just kick him out. Morally, that is. Legally you never had any obligations

RedRumTheHorse · 20/07/2020 22:07

OP all the information is here - www.gov.uk/making-child-maintenance-arrangement. Put your claim in the day he moves some of his stuff out as they can't back date it.

7 days is sufficient time for him to move out. That's the notice you give lodgers you don't have a written contract with and in his case he's had nearly had an extra 4 months notice that he should move.

In regards to your children you are screwing them up by letting him stay any longer. The fact he's gone and they have his number is fine so they can contact each other is fine. (Plus they get to go out of the house to see him.)

PicaK · 21/07/2020 09:38

So glad you are moving on. Don't forget to get your single person council tax reduction when he goes. But just to note that you haven't separated yet if you are paying his bills.

Happynow001 · 22/07/2020 07:19

Don't forget to let the Landlord/Agent know, in writing so there's a record, that he's left and now nothing to do with the property, so no right of entry. Also change the locks (with the LL/Agent's permission) and tell them you feel safer/more comfortable if he doesn't have keys. Even though he hands you back his keys.

Also ensure you change the passwords on all bank and other investments accounts now if you haven't already and passwords/pin codes to your shopping sites, phone and computer. Better safe than sorry ...

Good luck OP. 🌹

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