Has the pandemic been the catalyst for a separation for anyone else?

[Fantasisa]

And where on earth do we begin? DH and I have been rocky for years but it has all come to a head in the past few months. He now hasn't spoken directly to me for a week - only through the children. I want to split and I don't know how to begin. We lived in a mortgaged house together, we both earn pretty much the same but I doubt either of us could afford to buy the other person out and house prices where we live are sky high. We have no family/friends to share with/lend us money etc.

Also, DH is facing possible redundancy in the next few months and I feel so trapped and unhappy. Anyone else in a similar boat? How do we begin? I haven't even broached the subject with him yet but it feels like we are both waiting for the other person to say the words.

Talk, my advice is to talk. We managed to split amicably and sort the housing out with no drama. We had come to the end of the road, just that. We continued under the same roof for 7 months.

Thanks Okie. What happened at the end of the seven months?

I split with my husband during lockdown and still living together until he gets somewhere else (just found a place to rent)
We've been trying to sort things out for 7months but it just came to a head and he doesn't want to be with me.
Scared about the financial impact but it will work itself out.

Can you have a chat with him about it? Maybe he's thinking the same and it can be amicable.

Yes. Have our Nisi already. It’s been quite amicable, considering.

Us. There had been issues already its just happened to be in lock down we decided to divorce. Lock down has also highlighted how unsupportive he is with the kids I have done every day of lock down with 4 kids he's had not one day of annual levae. I also work nights and I'm exhausted. I think we wi sell our house and devide the equity which will mean a smaller place obviously but I have come to terms with that and have started looking at what I could afford. Good luck with it all.

Hello everyone else, good to see I'm not alone in this. I read recently that although we think Hollywood marriages are short they are probably just the length an average marriage would be if we could afford to leave/run two houses.

2020 has been utterly overwhelming and we should be drawing support from our partners, but that hasn't been the case here. I have asked for us to sit down and talk but he says he is 'formulating his thoughts' which means he is deciding to break up too but I presume wants it to hang over us too. My tummy is constantly in knots. I hate living like this.

Hello all. In answer to the thread title: yes I think this is me. I usually run around at high speed, working and working and going to the gym every day. It has been amazing to spend more time with my children during lockdown amongst other things, but it has also forced me to face the reality of my marriage. I have been thinking for such a long time that I don’t want to break my children’s hearts by separating from their dad, but I feel like I’m going insane now as I just can’t bear to stay any longer!

I read recently that although we think Hollywood marriages are short they are probably just the length an average marriage would be if we could afford to leave/run two houses.

That makes a lot of sense, TBH.

You won’t (necessarily) break their hearts @Ithinkitstime - it completely depends how you handle it.

Thank you for your support @ArriettyJones. I am thinking hard about everything. We have a family holiday in a couple of weeks which I hope will be a chance to make some amicable decisions.

@Fantasisa I hope he formulates his thoughts soonish so that you can both start to move forwards

Me too @Ithinkitstime and good luck with your situation. No change here, he still isn't talking to me and I've realised that I feel so lethargic when we go through these phases. It makes me want to curl up and sleep.

In the same boat here and started the ball rolling.

The first step of getting clarity that you agree to divorce and that there is no way back is the hardest. Once you've agreed to divorce, you will be able to think about the next steps more clearly.

In terms of where to start, read up on how to apply for divorce and the process. You need to decide who will apply and what reasons the petitioner will give. It can be unreasonable behaviour (if so, what is this exactly), adultery (must be proven or admitted to by the respondent) or you can agree to legally separate and apply for divorce after two years of separation. Narrowing down on one of these options will help you to focus on what you need to discuss and agree.

As a second step, you will need to agree financial arrangements and child arrangements, so again you can start reading up on what you can reasonably expect that to look like too. What would be best from your point of view?

Look for recommendations of a good family law solicitor. They're all crazy busy at the moment, so the sooner you start the better.

Consider if you'd like to confide in a friend or two to keep yourself sane throughout the process - it's so long, stressful, upsetting and a lonely... you will need RL support.

Great advice, @BraverThanYouBel1eve. How far along with it are you?

I would expect child arrangements to be 50/50 and the equity split to be the same. I just don't know how either of us can afford to buy the other person out but I would be happy to try/him to buy me out or for us to sell. Where we live is so expensive that I'm not sure how we will both manage on one income.

We have. It hasn't been great for 18 months but lockdown highlighted even more our fundamental differences and that we can't live together anymore. I had thought I'd try keep gluing it together for the kids but we got to the point we couldn't. It's amicable, he is moving into a place next month and we have a plan how to tell the kids. Custody won't be 50/50 as he's shift worker but he's moving close by and we'll share as much as possible. We are still going on holiday together at the end of August with the kids.

A tough few months coming up but hopefully then there will be some lights. I hope your husband sits down and speaks to you properly so you can start to formulate a plan, it's all just so emotionally exhausting.

Our problems were here long before lockdown but like you @HariboBrenshnio has brought everything to a head. If we haven't been supporting each other properly through this what is the point?

How will you afford to run the house by yourself? Don't answer if you don't want to. I think I could just about manage, but I don't think the bank will agree!

I completely understand how you feel. How old are your kids? Mine are 6&4 and they are the only part I feel truly terrible about and second guess myself on. But now the decision has been made, we can't go back and we shouldn't.

We don't own our house which helps in this situation. I'm going to have to go onto UC for a little top up - I currently work part time around ex's shifts and I'm going to have to keep doing that a little while - which I'm not thrilled about, and ex will paying generous maintenance. Is selling a possibility for you? I know it all feels like a huge step backwards before we can go forwards.

Our children are 12 and 7 and I now think it will be best for them in the long run - they have seen us argue and I hate that. I will happily sell, I'm not attached to the house, but selling one three bed house here wouldn't mean we could afford our own properties post split and I don't want to move their schools where they are both happy. I'm glad yours seems more straightforward in one respect and that your ex sounds like he is being reasonable.

I think the one thing that is happening the longer he stonewalls me the more I am starting to believe I do want to split. I think normally he eventually comes out of it and starts talking again and I am relieved so we don't talk about it and move on until it happens again. This time I am hardening and making the decision to split is probably the hardest bit.

@Fantasisa - sounds like he might not see this as quite so finite as you. Maybe he takes for granted that he can go into himself like this and that you’ll be there waiting when he’s ready to come out of it. The trouble is he is pushing you away and now you’ve had enough.

My DH is very similar, but after years of being pushed away like this I realise that I just stopped caring or wanting to make an effort anymore.

That's exactly it, I've stopped caring. I am happier when he is out doing his time consuming hobby and yes, it is cycling!

Omg cycling just got me rolling on the floor laughing. Cycling and divorce are synonyms on mumsnet innit?

I think part of the reason he stonewalls is because then he can saunter off to do his hobby without having to consider me. It is a convenient tool to avoid the arguments that go along with it.

@Fantasisa - stonewalling is so cruel. We've not talked for 6 days after an argument. During this time I called GP, domestic abuse helpline, police and family law solicitor. By the time he started to talk again, there was no going back from my point of view. We separated that day (still living in the same house for practical reasons).

How far along with it are you?
Applied for divorce and then applied for decree nisi. Timescales for getting decree nisi are not known but solicitor is telling me it's likely to be months as everything's ground to a halt during lockdown. We agreed financial arrangements between ourselves but can't formalise them until we get decree nisi. We agreed child agreements in principle but there are some complications so that's still a discussion to be finalised; we have a social services key worker assigned to help with this, a bit later down the line (not urgent as we're likely to be living in the same house for the next 6 months or so). We can then apply for decree absolute in 6 weeks and 1 day after decree nisi is granted, and after financial arrangements are done. The process is complicated and long but trust me the first step is the hardest by far.

selling one three bed house here wouldn't mean we could afford our own properties post split

Financially post-divorce everyone loses out so if you could afford a house together, it's possible that you won't be able to afford it anymore after you separate. The standard process is to sell the house and for each partner to use the equity money the best way possible (rent or buy or social housing if you qualify etc). However if you agree that you will be looking after children most of the time then you may be entitled to a more favourable split than 50/50.

You and the children keeping the house is unlikely to be considered fair and reasonable because your partner needs to live somewhere too.