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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Have you ever known an unmarried man to share his pension on separation?

51 replies

Cereail · 14/07/2020 07:19

My partner has always said that we would get married but has continually made excuses not to over the years.
We have 2 children and we are likely going to be separating. The house is in joint names and will be shared equally, I know that if we were married, I could have been entitled to more equity of the house after visiting a solicitor.
I know that if we were married, I could claim some of his pension and that because we are not, he doesn't have to give me any.
I have worked part-time since having DCs and my pension has therefore suffered. I knew the risks at the time, being unmarried but rightly made this decision for the sake of my mental health.
DH will be entitled to a very large inheritance one day, which I obviously will never benefit from. My pension (which would have been very good should I have worked FT) will have suffered greatly, whilst his will be excellent.
I am hoping that morally, he sees that parting with a proportion of his pension is the right thing to do as we have lived as a married couple and I've sacrificed my career and pension to take care of our children until they have reached school age.
I'm dubious though and I'm guessing that the majority of men avoid making the right moral decision.
Has anyone ever known a man to willingly share his pension on separation?

OP posts:
Sheenais · 14/07/2020 07:21

No.

Dreamtheimpossibledream · 14/07/2020 07:24

Even if he did agree - it wouldn't be possible I am afraid. In divorce it takes place with a pension sharing order. Without an order you can't just transfer a share of your pension to someone else - sorry.
If the children are primarily living with you, you may be able to 'borrow' some of his capital to rehouse. Ask your solicitor about Schedule 1 of the Children Act.
There are real issues in the law on cohabitation exactly because of the vulnerable situation it leaves people like you in.

KettlesReady · 14/07/2020 07:26

Where do you live? If you are in Scotland there may be some provision around this, but it may be only in the case of death, not separation.

PersonaNonGarter · 14/07/2020 07:32

I am hoping that morally, he sees that parting with a proportion of his pension is the right thing to do

Sorry, OP. I think you know how naive this is.

I hope all those ‘we don’t believe in marriage’ types see this thread and realise what that ‘piece of paper’ is actually for.

KetoWinnie · 14/07/2020 07:35

He wont share his pension with you unless a judge rules that he should.

KetoWinnie · 14/07/2020 07:36

Ps not unsympathetic, believe me.

Headandheart · 14/07/2020 07:38

No and I would be very surprised if anyone did.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 14/07/2020 07:47

No. When you aren't married what's yours is yours and what's his is his. In the eyes of the law you have been single this whole time.

Didiusfalco · 14/07/2020 07:50

No, i would appeal to his better nature and see if he will give you a larger portion of the house on the basis that you have sacrificed your chance for a larger pension.
I suspect he will say no, but you can only ask.

MarieG10 · 14/07/2020 07:58

@Dreamtheimpossibledream

There are real issues in the law on cohabitation exactly because of the vulnerable situation it leaves people like you in.

There are not issues with the law. It provides for people that have made the decision to get married to be financially protected if at all possible. If you decide not to get married then you know that there is no protection whatsoever. There was a load of noise a few years ago about once you have cohabited for two years then you would assume the rights of a married person. Absolute madness and a total infringement of personal rights and liberties that you could live with someone for a couple of years and then make a claim on their house and pension. Crazy

If you want to be protected then get married...especially before having children. The OP knew this and made a conscious choice but her partner didn't which is his right and the law shouldn't then force people to effectively get married by default.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2020 07:58

Op, it doesn’t really matter if anyone knows someone who did. Have you asked him?

Of course the likely answer is no, it’s probably not even possible, unless he is able to cash it in, but you need to discuss finances with him, not randoms on mumsnet, I’m sorry, because only his opinion is relevant here.

welldonesquirrels · 14/07/2020 08:00

I hope all those ‘we don’t believe in marriage’ types see this thread and realise what that ‘piece of paper’ is actually for.*

Harsh, but sadly true.

OP, sending hugs and wishing you an amicable separation. I hope that, at least for the sake of making sure his kids are comfortable, he's willing to be financially generous.

notthemum · 14/07/2020 08:05

No.

Whathewhatnow · 14/07/2020 08:07

I doubt it. Sorry.

I had to explain to ex about the pension thing. It hadn't even occurred to him. And when I did try and explain and appeal to his better nature he just said oh well, you helped me rip through my savings whilst you were on mat leave/part-time/ career break.... which was a bit rich given I was looking after our mutual children!

In the end I just took half my equity . And the jewellery.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2020 08:07

I hope all those ‘we don’t believe in marriage’ types see this thread and realise what that ‘piece of paper’ is actually for

Even married there is no guarantee she’d get some of his pension. The op is wrong in her assumption she’d get a portion. In fact it’s a good chance she wouldn’t.

This is nothing to do with marriage and everything to do with deciding to become financially inactive and sacrificing your career for years.

So the people who should see it are not those who don’t believe in marriage but those who choose to give up financial independence and safe guarding their own futures.

Whathewhatnow · 14/07/2020 08:08

Half the equity.

Polkadotties · 14/07/2020 08:15

A pension sharing order is granted through a divorce.
A court ordered ear marking order might be possible but they are so rare these days as PSOs are much simpler

InTheWings · 14/07/2020 08:16

OP, sorry this is happening.

Is your STBX reasonable? Did you ever discuss with him the impact of you reducing to p/t? Has he ever shown that he acknowledged that your contribution to the partnership in terms of child care was valuable?

If so he might be minded to recognise a fairer split, and give you more equity. Ask him to name the children as beneficiaries on his pension.

Maybe let you stay in the house with the children?

Men generally lose residency of the children in a split, perhaps that is their loss for having worked f/t rather than taken joint responsibility for childcare.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2020 08:30

Men generally lose residency of the children in a split, perhaps that is their loss for having worked f/t rather than taken joint responsibility for childcare

That’s a choice when it occurs, not a penalty and many have a fifty fifty.

villamariavintrapp · 14/07/2020 08:35

No I very much doubt it, it's probably why he kept making excuses. If he'd wanted to share things fairly he'd have agreed to get married.

converseandjeans · 14/07/2020 08:36

How old are you both? I think if you were say 57 and had been together 30 years you might have more chance.
I don't think his future windfall would come your way if you're not together. However you could see the positive that he will hopefully provide your children with a stable future financially.
You need to focus on putting as much aside as possible between now and when you retire as it's unlikely you will get any of his pension.
Try to get a decent amount from the house & leave it at that.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2020 08:51

I think if you were say 57 and had been together 30 years you might have more chance

Agree if they were married, but unmarried it’s one hundred percent down to him if he chooses to give her anything.

Op, right now the best focus is on how to maximise your earnings, and your own future pension pot.

I’d guess the only way he is going to share his future pension is if he is still in love with you and wishes to get you back, or feels enormous guilt for ending it, either way you’d need a cast iron legal agreement guaranteeing that when the time came you got the money and that he couldn’t cash it in with out your agreement.

justanotherone123 · 14/07/2020 08:53

No you're not entitled to his pension but you may be able to make a claim for more money due to the fact that your career has suffered after you had children.

Whathewhatnow · 14/07/2020 09:36

No claim to be made as no divorce here.. unfortunately for OP. all she is legally entitled to is her half of the house proceeds and half the money in any joint accounts.

Collaborate · 14/07/2020 09:40

Just to make some things clear (as a divorce lawyer):

  1. Pension sharing is only legally possible on divorce. As you were never married it is simply impossible.
  1. You cannot claim more money because your career has suffered. Again, a court cannot alter proprietorial rights save on divorce, though it can, under the Children Act, allow one parent to have use of the other's capital while it is needed to meet the needs of a minor child.
  1. If he wants to he could give you more of the hose in lieu of pension, but that is purely a voluntary gesture on his part and you have zero leverage.