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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Have you ever known an unmarried man to share his pension on separation?

51 replies

Cereail · 14/07/2020 07:19

My partner has always said that we would get married but has continually made excuses not to over the years.
We have 2 children and we are likely going to be separating. The house is in joint names and will be shared equally, I know that if we were married, I could have been entitled to more equity of the house after visiting a solicitor.
I know that if we were married, I could claim some of his pension and that because we are not, he doesn't have to give me any.
I have worked part-time since having DCs and my pension has therefore suffered. I knew the risks at the time, being unmarried but rightly made this decision for the sake of my mental health.
DH will be entitled to a very large inheritance one day, which I obviously will never benefit from. My pension (which would have been very good should I have worked FT) will have suffered greatly, whilst his will be excellent.
I am hoping that morally, he sees that parting with a proportion of his pension is the right thing to do as we have lived as a married couple and I've sacrificed my career and pension to take care of our children until they have reached school age.
I'm dubious though and I'm guessing that the majority of men avoid making the right moral decision.
Has anyone ever known a man to willingly share his pension on separation?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 14/07/2020 09:44

I do know someone who did this - ended a 20 year (unmarried) relationship and did give her a chunk of his pension. But - he was from a very rich family (some serious inheritance coming down the line from what I could gather) and also very “right on” (hence the fact that everyone knew he had given his ex some of his pension!),

millymollymoomoo · 14/07/2020 09:49

No. As collaborate states.
It’s highly unlikely he’ll morally agree either imho

HollowTalk · 14/07/2020 09:50

@justanotherone123

No you're not entitled to his pension but you may be able to make a claim for more money due to the fact that your career has suffered after you had children.
Why do people continue to believe this when it's just not true? It's like believing in the tooth fairy.
InTheWings · 14/07/2020 09:51

OP, I would focus on making sure he supports the children to the max.

Named beneficiaries on his pension
A will in which his assists are left to them (in trust while they are minors)
Explain that you will need to make significant payments into your pension so will find it hard to save for their Uni costs etc.
Contribution to childcare costs while you work.
I hope you have been claiming Child Benefit so that your state pension contributions have been kept up?

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2020 09:58

Why do people continue to believe this when it's just not true

Agree. I’m not even sure who the poster thinks you can make this claim to. A court? You’d have as much luck as claiming your neighbours pension.

I’m also not sure why folks keep going on about making sure he protects the kids. The op hasn’t said he won’t, it’s not them she’s posting about it’s her.

Op, how old are you? Assuming you can work till sixty seven, you could have another thirty years to pay into your own pension pot.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/07/2020 10:32

Did he force you to go pt against your will? Most likely not, it was your decision even if he was supportive of it.

youhave4substitutes · 14/07/2020 10:52

@NataliaOsipova how did he manage to pension share? Or did you just believe what he told you?

OP - you can't "claim" anything. You chose to sacrifice your own pension. That really isn't his problem. He will likely go on to have several more partners, should they all get a share of his pension? What about his exes?

youhave4substitutes · 14/07/2020 10:53

"Did he force you to go pt against your will?"

Doesn't matter, she still isn't due any of his pension.

CayrolBaaaskin · 14/07/2020 10:54

As others said, any sharing would be voluntary. How long did you work part time - a few years shouldn’t have a profound impact on your pension given how long we need to work now.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 14/07/2020 10:59

@justanotherone123 a claim on what grounds?

NataliaOsipova · 14/07/2020 11:08

@youhave4substitutes I don’t know the details, in all honesty. I’m pretty sure they got lawyers involved to divvy up property and joint investments, so it was done as part of that; in the light of @Collaborate comments, it was most likely a “sum to the value of” rather than sharing the actual pension, if you see what I mean. And, as I say, he was a high earner from a wealthy background, so money wasn’t really an issue. He was also a decent guy who felt guilty about the split and felt he wanted to do the right thing by someone he’d shared a huge chunk of his life with. (They didn’t get married for “right on” reasons, if that makes sense - but I think he always “felt” married.)

youhave4substitutes · 14/07/2020 11:18

Ok, I see. So he just gave her a bigger share of the house equity rather than any of his pension. But tells all and sundry that he gave her some of his pension which is in fact absolute bollocks Grin

SciFiScream · 14/07/2020 11:30

Marriage or civil partnerships really do have their benefits. There's another thread going where a married couple are having an amicable divorce and she needs to give her STBXH a proportion of her pension.

All you can do OP is speak to your partner and appeal to his moral and ethical sensibilities.

How old are you? What can you do now to increase pension contributions?

Original poster
Cereail · 14/07/2020 11:42

I am increasing my hours back to FT (was supposed to happen in September but has been postponed due to Covid) so it has been postponed by my employer until work picks up again.
I have waited until DCs have both started school before increasing back to FT. If I'd have continued FT working with young DCs I'd have ended up being sectioned.
Definitely the right decision despite the obvious financial losses.

OP posts:
Polkadotties · 14/07/2020 12:33

As an administrator for a pension scheme the only way we can execute a PSO is with a court order from a divorce.
If a member wrote in and said please give 25% of my pension to my ex partner we wouldn’t be able to do it

SciFiScream · 14/07/2020 12:37

You kept working while the DC were young - did you keep paying into a pension scheme then?

You should get some advice based on how much you have saved already, how long you can keep making payments for and what sort of income you need when you retire.

I'm guessing you aren't older than 40 and might even by in your early 30s which gives you at least 28 years to save and plan - maybe more.

The sooner you do it, the easier it will be.

It's alright to prioritise your future you know. It's something good you can do for your DC as it means they won't have to worry about you when you are older/retired while they are young and working.

Warmer20Days · 14/07/2020 18:54

Ensure you claim child maintenance when you split

Why would you think that you could claim on his pension, as a single person ?

Inheritance is never guaranteed, it can be spent on care, lavish lifestyle, charity, new spouse etc

TheFaerieQueene · 14/07/2020 18:58

The pension isn’t a thing you can split in these circumstances. Please do get a comprehensive life insurance policy on him with you as the beneficiary. If he dies whilst the children are dependants you could be in a very compromised financial position.

PilatesPeach · 14/07/2020 19:03

No and I know of men who have refused to marry incase they later divorce and the ex-wife gets some of half of their pension - one woman later left him not because she wanted marriage and was so unhappy that he had promised it to her for 5 or so years and then backtracked citing his pension.

PilatesPeach · 14/07/2020 19:05

Sorry that does not make sense - she wanted marriage and he had promised it for 5 years but backtracked citing his unwillingness to share any of his pension in the event of divorce.

Warmer20Days · 14/07/2020 21:19

It's not compulsory to pay into a pension, you can opt out

youhave4substitutes · 14/07/2020 23:18

@Warmer20Days and?

InTheWings · 15/07/2020 08:24

I’m also not sure why folks keep going on about making sure he protects the kids. The op hasn’t said he won’t, it’s not them she’s posting about it’s her

Well I was ‘going on about making sure he protects the kids’ because the kids are his only legal responsibility and the more support he contributes towards the kids, the more the OP will have leeway to look after herself, If he contributes towards childcare then she can increase her hours. If he starts saving towards Uni, she can put more into her pension.

Warmer20Days · 15/07/2020 09:58

Don't rely on anyone else

Pay into your own pension

Frankola · 28/07/2020 20:57

No. You aren't legally married so what is yours is yours and his is his.

In your post you mention working part time for your mental health. Which isnt a reason entitling you to some of his pension even if you were married.

Your best option is to work full time and take out a good private pension.

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