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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Is he right? Am I just being selfish?

36 replies

Lonelyinacrowd · 11/07/2020 12:24

After years of being unhappy, I’ve finally realised that my 20+ year marriage is over. He loses his temper over the smallest things, is constantly negative and we haven’t had a proper conversation, let alone anything more intimate, for years. We have an 11 yr old and the atmosphere is horrible for him.

After things festering for a while, we finally had the conversation last night where I said we would be better off apart. Apparently that makes me the coldest, most selfish bitch he’s ever met, he doesn’t understand why I would say that after everything he does for me. Most worrying, he said that he wishes he was dead and, if I insist on going through with this, that’s what might happen.

He’s also said that he will tell our son ‘the truth’ - that I’ve decided that I don’t want to be married to him anymore and so he’s being forced to separate against his will. If it was up to him, we would still be a ‘happy family’.

I know this is the right thing to do, and I genuinely think that he knows it, deep down. I’m doubting myself though, so I go home, tell him to forget it, keep my head down and not rock the boat? Am I being selfish??

OP posts:

Loracina · 11/07/2020 13:25

I personally don't think you are being selfish at all.

I feel in a similar situation although haven't been married as long as you have (7 years in my case) but very similar as it is a difficult relationship, he gets upset about everything which has made our lives and marriage really difficult. He has been verbally abusive towards me for years and I finally had to courage to say enough is enough.

Some days I feel the same way, sad about it all but mostly sad for my son.

Husband also says it is my fault and I'm destroying the family; when in reality he has destroyed it over the years. I simply made a decision one of us should have made ages ago.

Like you, deep down I know this is the right thing to do but it is so difficult.

Stay strong and positive. I keep telling myself in a few months time I will be in a better place and glad to have made this decision x

RandomMess · 11/07/2020 13:29

All lies what he means is he'll lose his bargain price domestic appliance...

hedgingyourbets · 11/07/2020 13:40

I was accused of this - I didn't deny it as in a way I agree, although I would call it self preservation.

What I learned was this - you wont convince them it's the right thing to do, he didn't ever agree with me - maybe he will one day but there is just no point in expecting them to.

The other thing is, they will throw everything at you because they are not in control of the situation - "selfish" means you are making a choice which they have no control over and for my husband this was the biggest issue, not whether it was the right thing to do.

This is not something you have taken lightly, you are allowed to be in control of your own life and do what you think is the best - let him call you whatever he wants, he is hurt and this is his attack.

Take care and you will get through this

InkieNecro · 11/07/2020 13:45

Do not let him force you to call it off just because he's hinting at suicide. It isn't down to you.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/07/2020 13:50

No you’re not being selfish.

He is angry and lashing out.

Don’t change your mind. Have a think about how you respond to his reactions. For example any suicide threat you should refer to police to do a welfare check. Statements that he will change need to refer to him having therapy while you move ahead with the divorce. You can change your mind if he does demonstrate change and growth. But this is based on actions not words
Well done for recognising this is toxic and things need to change.

LittleMissRedHat · 11/07/2020 13:58

You could have been my mum and dad when I was your son's age. Please, don't stay because of the things he says. Your son is old enough to have seen what is going on, even if you think you have hidden any problems. I told my mum to leave my dad, she stayed because "of the children". Everyone in the house was miserable, it was awful, it just got worse and worse until years down the line she realised and left him. If your DH is threatening suicide, so be it, if he does, he does, although I doubt he will, he is just posturing. Whatever he does is NOT on you! Trust me, do yourself and your son a favour and leave.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/07/2020 14:06

All lies what he means is he'll lose his bargain price domestic appliance..

hahahahahah

yeah, that about sums it up.

TimelyManor · 11/07/2020 14:08

he doesn’t understand why I would say that after everything he does for me. Most worrying, he said that he wishes he was dead and, if I insist on going through with this, that’s what might happen
Playing the victim. Poor him. He's following a well used script. No, you're not being selfish. Please do not back down, stay strong, you'll get there

Original poster

Lonelyinacrowd · 11/07/2020 14:20

I’m in tears reading these, thank you. So many wise words.

You’ve hit the nail on the head @hedgingyourbets, it’s self preservation and he hates not being in control. The more I think about it, the more I realise how much I’ve been controlled over the years.

@LittleMissRedHat, thank you so much for that insight. Although I feel like shit at the moment and I’m going to break his heart, I know this is the right thing for my son.

@Loracina - we can do this

He’ll be home soon, and my son is out - I have a feeling I’m heading for round 2 of hearing how I’m ruining everyone’s life...

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/07/2020 14:22

I forgot he'll lose his domestic appliance and it will cost him ££££££

Tough! You will me so much happier without him

Batfinklestein · 11/07/2020 14:32

Don’t stay because of what he’s saying. I dated a guy years ago whose Mum had left his dad when he (the son) was in his teens.
He didn’t hold it against his mum at all. In fact, it was the opposite. He was proud of her doing what was best for everyone. Everyone was unhappy as she was being dragged down by his Dad who was stuck in his ways and controlling, which caused tension in the household.
The son could see how much happier his mum was when she was free of his dad. And both parents ended up in new relationships which made them happy. The son even gave his mum away when she remarried.

Would you rather a potential happy ending like that, and for your son to see you modelling g behaviour where you bravely making a new start when things haven’t worked out?
Or do you want him to think you have to stick in an unhealthy relationship even if you are unhappy?

Batfinklestein · 11/07/2020 14:33

Sorry, typos! But you get the gist.

Fanthorpe · 11/07/2020 14:37

it’s not selfish to think about what you want and need, and if he really wanted to be a ‘happy family’ he’d be wanting you to feel loved and cherished.

He’s the very definition of selfish by the sound of him, and a bully. I hope you and your son are ok, and that you can start the process of separating from your husband as soon as possible.

Original poster

Lonelyinacrowd · 11/07/2020 16:14

As suspected, the conversation continued from last night along the same lines. According to him, we could be a happy family if only I could be bothered to try harder. I don’t care that he’s going to end up living in poverty (he’s retired, I work) and I must hate him so much and not care about breaking my son’s heart to do this.

He’s right about one thing, I am going to break my son’s heart when I tell him.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 11/07/2020 16:24

But he's a child and he will bounce back. So the alternative is you break your own heart to save his ?

Michaelbaubles · 11/07/2020 16:28

Oh, they’re full of what’s going to happen and how terrible it’ll all be. I was going to end up working in the worst school in the area (I’m a teacher) and living in a council flat next to drug dealers 🤷‍♀️ Actually I live in a lovely rented house on one of the nicest streets in town and I work in one of the best places to work too! Not saying everything is golden but it tickles me that the two direst predictions exH made for me are also the two least accurate.

Just ignore. You’re the creator of your destiny now. That’s amazing! His words have no power over you.

Centaurpede · 11/07/2020 16:34

No you're not being selfish. He wants to blame you and play the victim to make himself feel better and get people on his side. It takes courage to end a bad relationship and he left that to you to do. It's best for your child to be raised in a loving home with one parent/ two loving homes with one parent in each rather than parents who are living together but with a horrible atmosphere.

pointythings · 11/07/2020 17:01

Note how it's all about you being selfish and you needing to try harder and you needing to change. Because of course he is completely perfect.

Just no. What he has said to you today should strengthen your resolve - he's a controlling miserable git.

Original poster

Lonelyinacrowd · 11/07/2020 17:46

Well, I’ve just told my son. He’s completely devastated.

I feel like the worst person in the world right now. Please tell me that this gets better. I’m not sure I can do this anymore.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/07/2020 17:54

Of course it will get better, your DS has no idea how light and relaxing it is living in a home without a horrid a atmosphere. Of course he is scared of change, only natural.

RandomMess · 11/07/2020 17:55

Of course it will get better, your DS has no idea how light and relaxing it is living in a home without a horrid a atmosphere. Of course he is scared of change, only natural.

growinggreyer · 11/07/2020 17:55

You can't base your life decisions on what an 11 year old boy thinks. He is not old enough to make a rational decision. Reassure him that he will still have his Dad and nothing will take that away from him. Break it down into things that an 11 year old can understand. Eg, he will still have his bedroom at his Dad's place and a new room at your place. You can do this.

Starlight39 · 11/07/2020 19:30

You are definitely not selfish - you're doing the right thing and you need to do it now so your DS can experience a normal home life without the temper and atmosphere.

You've done probably the hardest bit - telling your son. He may be devastated by the news now but it is probably part shock and part worry about the unknown future. I bet in time he will appreciate that there is no longer an atmosphere, he doesn't see you walking on eggshells and has a happier Mum.

Try and ignore the suicide talk, I know how hard that is as my ex did the same and it was terrifying but it's not your responsibility to sacrifice your life and wellbeing in response to his threats. My ex never actively said he was about to do it so I never had to call the police but would have done if he had actively said he was about to. It was all more "I'd be better off dead... if it wasn't for the dog I'd put a bullet in me..." that sort of thing. It's most likely a way to try and bring you into line rather than something he plans to carry out. Fwiw, my ex is much happier now and life is much easier all round but he had to work it out and get there for himself. There will be light at the end of the tunnel .

Weenurse · 12/07/2020 00:21

Once you and DS are away from his negative energy, your son will see how much better life can be.
He only knows what is normal for him now, not how much happier life can be.
Stay strong and don’t go back.

TimelyManor · 12/07/2020 09:59

@Lonelyinacrowd

Well, I’ve just told my son. He’s completely devastated.

I feel like the worst person in the world right now. Please tell me that this gets better. I’m not sure I can do this anymore.

You can do this! You have to do this, for yourself and your son. You've done one of the hardest parts, keep going forward now. It will all be okay. It won't just be okay, it'll be so much better. You will go through dips but they are worth it to get to the top of that mountain

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