Is he right? Am I just being selfish?

[Lonelyinacrowd]

After years of being unhappy, I’ve finally realised that my 20+ year marriage is over. He loses his temper over the smallest things, is constantly negative and we haven’t had a proper conversation, let alone anything more intimate, for years. We have an 11 yr old and the atmosphere is horrible for him.

After things festering for a while, we finally had the conversation last night where I said we would be better off apart. Apparently that makes me the coldest, most selfish bitch he’s ever met, he doesn’t understand why I would say that after everything he does for me. Most worrying, he said that he wishes he was dead and, if I insist on going through with this, that’s what might happen.

He’s also said that he will tell our son ‘the truth’ - that I’ve decided that I don’t want to be married to him anymore and so he’s being forced to separate against his will. If it was up to him, we would still be a ‘happy family’.

I know this is the right thing to do, and I genuinely think that he knows it, deep down. I’m doubting myself though, so I go home, tell him to forget it, keep my head down and not rock the boat? Am I being selfish??

My mother left when we were about 6

Best thing she ever did for us.

Thanks everyone, you’re all amazing. In my gut, I know that this is the right thing for everyone, I’m going to come back to the wise words here when I have a wobble.

Although there’s lot of tears, tantrums and drama at the moment, I can’t deny that I’m a little bit excited about making my own decisions and taking control of my own life for once. I’m 44 and I’ve never lived on my own, how sad is that?? It’s going to be ok isn’t it??

I'm excited for you. You'll become a different person. You're son will understand one day. X

Lonely, it's going to be bloody brilliant!!

It's going to be so much more than OK. Your DS will learn this when he. finds out what it's like to live in a household where people can speak freely, have fun and don't walk on eggshells around the household member who sucks all the joy out of life.

I've been told this too @Lonelyinacrowd although apparently I've been totally selfish throughout our 25+ year marriage as well.

As hard as it has been to hear everything he's thrown at me, I know I'm doing the right thing in leaving this marriage. Time does help, I'm so much better at just 'grey rocking' him and responding as little as possible to his rants.

I have been conditioned to put everyone before myself for so long that even thinking about what I want to do feels selfish. It isn't, it's what I need to do to survive as I was slowly being crushed.

Be strong, your son will come to understand as others have said and your life will be so much better.

@Lonelyinacrowd

Most worrying, he said that he wishes he was dead and, if I insist on going through with this, that’s what might happen.
THIS ^^ is what selfish looks like - to threaten potential suicide rather than talk in a mature way about what has gone wrong, what he's prepared to do to help fix it, or arrange a reasonably amicable separation/divorce.

He’s also said that he will tell our son ‘the truth’ - that I’ve decided that I don’t want to be married to him anymore and so he’s being forced to separate against his will. If it was up to him, we would still be a ‘happy family’.
And this is just cruel - to threaten his own son with this lie. How much does he truly love his son that he can threaten this, to get back at you?

According to him, we could be a happy family if only I could be bothered to try harder. I don’t care that he’s going to end up living in poverty (he’s retired, I work) and I must hate him so much and not care about breaking my son’s heart to do this.
And this is just blackmail now. He may be retired but presumably he has State and private pension? And he can still look for at least part time work depending on his health and age? Rather than rely on your income - which you will need when you divorce.

Be strong OP. You are absolutely doing the right thing. 🌹

Oh my goodness, you lot are amazing. I’ve been back to this thread so many times and read all your wonderful words. It makes me sad that so many people have been and are still going through this, but the fact that nobody has said ‘you’re crazy, put up with things as they are’ makes me feel so strong.

I think he’s running out of new ways to make me feel guilty as they’re starting to repeat them now. Last night’s was more about how he’s probably going to end up living in a tiny shitty place with no money. @Somefantasticplace, I’m using your grey rock technique and not reacting.

I met a friend for a walk yesterday, it was liberating to realise that I don’t have to explain myself or try and come up with convincing reasons why I want to go out on my own. It was a male friend as well, which would usually have led to hours of sulks. Baby steps...

I’m taking my son away for a couple of days tomorrow. It’ll give us a chance to have a proper chat, if he wants to. I’m looking forward to escaping this atmosphere for a while

Enjoy your break, Lonely, it'll be a taster of things to come

How are you OP?

Just found this thread and your ExDH's words were the same ones used on me 2.5 years ago. I guess it's a common reaction/ script.

I can't say everything is totally rosy 2.5 years on......he is still playing the victim to the kids, and sometimes they fall for it. And sometimes they don't. But they are teenagers, still have a lot of growing to do, and I trust that in the end they will fully respect my decision.

Most importantly- I have never regretted the decision for myself. I am in a wonderful relationship now and realise ever more clearly what I did not have all those years. My only regret is that I should have left earlier.