Can ex share a bed with DC?

Scaryprospects · 2020-07-11T07:00:50+00:00

Hoping someone can help. My ex has informed me that he will be moving back to his parents house who only has one spare bedroom for him to stay. He is suggesting that our DC shares a bed for overnight stays with him 3-4 times a week. I can’t seem to find any laws against this. But it just doesn’t seem right to me when DC has somewhere to stay with their own room. I would never stop him seeing them or staying overnight if the accommodation is suitable.

somewomenneedaslap · 11/07/2020 08:01

How old is your child?

Longdistance · 11/07/2020 08:04

There’s no law against it, but I’m sure if it was taken to court that they would find it unacceptable.
How old are your dc?

LuluBellaBlue · 11/07/2020 08:06

Depends on age of child, then if child is happy with this, if there’s a camp bed etc.
Or father can stay on sofa and child in bed.

Sorry but just from your opening post it does seem you are very quick to block this, so there must be some kind of back story?

Tlollj · 11/07/2020 08:08

How old is your child.
I’d suggest a camp bed maybe?

Original poster

Scaryprospects · 11/07/2020 08:17

DC is 4 and is classed as vulnerable. No back story other than it has taken a very long time to get DC to understand concept about sleeping in own room etc. Room is too small for camp bed so they’ll have to share a bed. Sofa is already taken by another family member. The situation is far from ideal. Not that it’s relevant but I have given ex a sizeable equity payout which he will be able to buy a property outright and I have said he can stay in family home until he gets this sorted. But he is still adamant he wants to go to his parents.

Household has another vulnerable child who has severe behavioural problems who has bit and hit DC in the past. I’m concerned for DCs safety as well as sleeping situation. He says DC will be with him at all times to monitor but other child has managed to hurt my DC previously with supervision. DC is delayed in talking and he regularly swears (calls people c**ts etc)

Ex knows this is a concern of mine and friends think he is playing this card to spite me. I really don’t care about the relationship between him & me I want to try and keep things as amicable as I can but I am concerned for the environment he will be taking her to

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Original poster

Scaryprospects · 11/07/2020 08:18

Sorry I wasn’t very clear. My DC is learning to talk and can’t communicate so I can’t ask if DC happy with the situation.

Other child swears regularly not DC.

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LuluBellaBlue · 11/07/2020 08:19

Re bed sharing / sleeping - I think that’s fine and just ignore for now however a child feeling unsafe somewhere and under attack is not ok!!
This would be my major concern!!

Spied · 11/07/2020 08:20

My DC wouldn't be going until ex has his own home and my DC has a bed.
No way.

RoseAndRose · 11/07/2020 08:22

Do you mean corona vulnerable (in which case no, being that close up is risky, even though as a child, sharing households has always been permitted)

Or some other form of vulnerable - for example, are SS already involved?

Original poster

Scaryprospects · 11/07/2020 08:24

How do I stop this though ? He keeps saying that I can’t stop him. I know it’s going to flare up if I bring up concerns re other child and wanted to try and angle from accommodation not being suitable but it doesn’t look like I’ll have that option.

I’ve not slept a wink I’m really worried

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Herja · 11/07/2020 08:24

I wouldn't have an issue with sharing a bed at that age, but the rest of it? Different story. I would not be sending my child in to that environment, nor would I expect their other parent to, if there was any other alternative. Which there clearly is. If this were me, I wouldn't be agreeing to that level of overnight contact, in that environment. Not a chance.

Tinkity · 11/07/2020 08:25

I see from your other threads that you’re not divorced yet & that you are the higher earner so could this be a ploy by your ex to get a bigger divorce settlement?

You’re correct that it doesn’t seem right but with a 50/50 residency setup - which you pretty much up have - a judge is more likely to give your ex enough of the martial assets to house himself & your DC adequately rather than reduce residency so I imagine this situation will only be temporary.

Original poster

Scaryprospects · 11/07/2020 08:25

Thanks for all of your replies. Other child is vulnerable through SS. He has been removed from parents and now grandparents (ex’s parents) have custody and legal guardians.

My DC is vulnerable as she has complex special needs.

No corona link.

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FartingNora · 11/07/2020 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Herja · 11/07/2020 08:27

If you don't have a court order, then you can stop him by just not letting him have DS. Without a court order you have equal rights/responsibilities to your child. Whoever has him at that time is legally in the right, so I'd let him take me to court for over night access (while maintaining day time contact) until such a time as there was a safe environment for DC to stay overnight in.

cariadlet · 11/07/2020 08:28

I can't see a problem with a 4 year old sharing a bed with their parent if there's no alternative - and with no room for a camp bed and the settee already being used by someone else, there doesn't seem to be any alternative.

But I would be concerned about your dc's safety if there is a strong possibility of him being hurt by the other child.

Original poster

Scaryprospects · 11/07/2020 08:28

@Tinkity

I see from your other threads that you’re not divorced yet & that you are the higher earner so could this be a ploy by your ex to get a bigger divorce settlement?

You’re correct that it doesn’t seem right but with a 50/50 residency setup - which you pretty much up have - a judge is more likely to give your ex enough of the martial assets to house himself & your DC adequately rather than reduce residency so I imagine this situation will only be temporary.

Hi Tinkity. We’ve agreed on more than 50% of assets in his favour and I’ve agreed that he can stay in family home until he has suitable alternative. He’s just having none of it and keeps threatening to move into parents. I’ll need to speak to solicitor on Monday I’ve just had this in last night and it’s sending me into complete meltdown.

OP posts:

Original poster

Scaryprospects · 11/07/2020 08:30

@Herja

If you don't have a court order, then you can stop him by just not letting him have DS. Without a court order you have equal rights/responsibilities to your child. Whoever has him at that time is legally in the right, so I'd let him take me to court for over night access (while maintaining day time contact) until such a time as there was a safe environment for DC to stay overnight in.

Thanks that really helps. What if he has DC during the day and then refuses to bring them back at night?

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Original poster

Scaryprospects · 11/07/2020 08:33

Like I say, I have absolutely NO problem with ex having access. My DC and him have an amazing relationship that I want them to continue. DC loves ex very very much and I never want to take that away from either of them. I am just very concerned about living arrangements and what it will do to DC. DC is very shy by nature and takes a lot of encouragement to communicate. I’m worried it will go backwards if scared in her environment.

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millymollymoomoo · 11/07/2020 08:52

I would not. A happy with this
I wouldn’t have a problem fir the odd night or two, eg if they were away and staying in a hotel or anything but as her home, for 50% of the week? No way
I simply wouldn’t let her go and he’d have to fight me all The way

SimonJT · 11/07/2020 08:55

Whats the issue with a child sharing a bed with their parent? Lots of parents co-sleep, or have their children share their bed on a regular basis.

If she is shy and struggles to settle in a new environment she is likely going to feel more secure sleeping with a parent rather than in a new/strange room alone.

millymollymoomoo · 11/07/2020 08:58

And I’m sorry but as her dad he should be able to see that this is not best for her, even more so when it doesn’t seem it’s out of real necessity

Herja · 11/07/2020 08:58

If there is no court order, and one parent refuses to return the child to the other, then that's that really. The police will not get involved, all that can happen is an emergency court order. Or the other parent backing down.

With someone playing games with children to get what they want or make a point (which seems to be what's happening here), it's always best to have a court order. I'm sorry this is happening OP, I would also be very worried. Speaking to your solicitor sounds like a good plan. I would definitely not want my child to live half the time in a massively overcrowded home, where they are at constant risk of injury, just so my ex could look hurt and hard done by.

TheTeenageYears · 11/07/2020 09:02

How many bedrooms does the house have and who is on the sofa? Will your ex be putting his parents house under strain by him moving in particular if he has the funds to buy a property outright. How will SS feel about the housing situation if ex moves in with parents? Could that put the placement of child with GC's at risk?

Sometimes there's more than one way to achieve an objective. It sounds like you don't want DD in this environment which to me sounds extremely sensible and your ex is just digging his heels in to be difficult. You might be able to stop the situation from happening if ex moving in with parents is unsuitable for parents or child they are now responsible for.

endofthelinefinally · 11/07/2020 09:04

You need to talk this through with your HV. It is a safe guarding issue.