For those going through divorce

[JustOneLastThing]

Just a little message to say it will all be okay in the end.
My decree absolute came through yesterday and I feel a sense of calm and serenity about it.

It has been hard work at times and has left me a bit emotionally raw but I can feel myself healing from the pain.

It was almost a bit anticlimactic to just get an email saying 'your divorce is now complete'!

Good luck to those going through it, and thank you to those who have supported me on MN.

@Relocationlocationetc we started off trying to sort out finances first and divorce later. Then we remembered our fixed term mortgage runs out Apr next year so i cannot buy him out early as there will be an early repayment fine. DH has not seen a lawyer but i have, i feel the best way forward is for me to file and pay £550.
I’m fucking angry with him (sorry for swearing), ever since we made the decision he’s not lifting a finger around the house (not that he’s done much previously). Today i cleared the shed and did some heavy lifting whilst the fucker was sat at his laptop.

@Relocationlocationetc - i’m in south east, ever fancy a meet up and a rant?

So many parallels @BestDaysAheadOfMe Mine is doing the same. V hectic job, 2 sad kids, but he gets to sit in front of screens all day. Also massively trying to be good cop with the DC. It is weird to have to involve someone else to write to your own husband....

Also have a fixed term mortgage - plan was for me to take it on, and sell when youngest leaves school (about 5 years) and give him his equity then. But at the moment, it's all ground to a halt - too long and boring to type here...

Ranting sounds good. Although I may never stop...

It's all very sad as well. Definitely not what I had planned for my DC.

Ps @BestDaysAheadOfMe : we still have more than 4 yrs left on our fixed mortgage. Massive penalties if we left early. I don't know what your financial position is, but my mortgage provider had agreed I can take it on myself. There's a fee and there are a few hoops to jump through, but doable. Just a thought...

@Relocationlocationetc i might call the bank to find out if putting it all in my name is possible as i’m paying it at the moment anyways whilst STBEx is chasing his dream. Fucker. Anyways, i will still need to wait to remortgage till april next year. And cannot get any money for him to move out.
I reckon he’s having a midlife make or break crisis where he decided he will have a business take off. Regardless of what i and mathemathics say. In fact, he hates my down to earth realism. Good luck to him but im not financially supporting a guy who previously earner £400 a day and decided that wasnt good enough.! I’m done.

Soz @Relocationlocationetc, i got carried away by emotion in my last post. You still have 4 years on fixed, penalties must be huge🤦🏼‍♀️
How old are you and him?

@JustOneLastThing

You may have done very cheaply...good for you. But not having a consent order means that you are never financially separated from him unless he remarries. Just ask the boss of Evo Energy whose former wife came back after 20+ years and took him for a very large sum of money.

A consent order is essential

@MarieG10 alas, there'll never be any money to have. I work for public services, unless I win the lottery I shall be forever poor!

@JustOneLastThing

Public sector pensions...worth multiples of private sector? Inheritance?

All he has to do is fall on hard times and then it is like,negotiating a new financial settlement...but what you will struggle with is the belief you have done it once already

You may be divorced, but not financially. I really really suggest you get some decent advice before you take the risk

Of course if he is a better bet financially, you might be advantaged in the future?

Definitely don't apologise @BestDaysAheadOfMe : I find I am calm and rational one day (ok, occasionally) and a total mess the next. So horrible after being married for almost 20 years. Want to fast forward to the part where this is all over and I'm all light and happy...

@MarieG10 without going into it all in detail we have agreed to leave all pensions and future gains. I don't want any of his money, now or otherwise, and he doesn't want mine. He is a decent bloke and that remains.

@JustOneLastThing

I hope your faith proves correct and doesn't come back to bite you. A friend is in family law and has spent a lot of time helping clients who did a cheap divorce, no consent order and then....something happens. Usually one inherits and relations deteriorated since and then it starts...and very difficult to defend and usually results in an offer to the other party.

@MarieG10 and I know lots of people for whom nothing terrible has happened (and statistically speaking your solicitor friend is unlikely to meet the happy ones!)
Of course, it could all go horribly wrong but on the balance of probability I will take my chances. There'll be no inheritance for me anyway, and I wouldn't dream of touching his.

It just takes forever, doesn't it? ☹️☹️

@JustOneLastThing

Can I ask was it your choice to divorce? Xxx

I raised it. He agreed. Agreed we would tell the kids together and then he told them he didn't agree we should divorce now. So I am the bad cop. And he is the victim, thinks it's all done sort of conspiracy theory. After years of what I am increasingly accepting has been emotional abuse. Making no progress as he won't move out till finances are agreed. He won't speak to a lawyer and has insane expectations (I am the higher earner). Too hard!

You?

I asked for a divorce but after some initial shock, he agreed. 8 months on and he has thanked me for being the one to raise it, and has wholeheartedly agreed our marriage was dead in the water.