For those going through divorce

[JustOneLastThing]

Just a little message to say it will all be okay in the end.
My decree absolute came through yesterday and I feel a sense of calm and serenity about it.

It has been hard work at times and has left me a bit emotionally raw but I can feel myself healing from the pain.

It was almost a bit anticlimactic to just get an email saying 'your divorce is now complete'!

Good luck to those going through it, and thank you to those who have supported me on MN.

Good luck. Our negotiations were going fine, until I got legal advice and realised I was giving away far too much. Now it's a big stalemate.

Strongly recommend you have some idea of your legal position at an early stage.

Good luck....

Thanks, I'm contacting a solicitor this week. Ive spoken to her before but clearly need help with the financial side now.

Filed in January 2019, Nisi in June 2019, loooooong financial battle through mediation finally got my absolute in April 2020! Financial settlement should be in my account this week.

It all takes such a long time. But it is totally worth it. It will all happen in due course.

Just make sure you have a consent order in place before you buy him out. Me and my Ex agreed finances and I bought him out, I then got stung with a stamp duty bill which I wouldn’t have had to pay if I had a consent order as part of divorce process

Sorry that was meant for @BestDaysAheadOfMe

Thanks I hope so. It's horrible, esp as we're in the same house still.

Thinking of agreeing finances etc and only doing formal divorce proceedings later - may even wait 2 yrs or for 'no fault' legislation to come into effect.

Anyone else doing that?

It's so hard though, isn't it? Married for 20 years, 2 amazing kids, and it comes down to game playing and tactics. I am very tired of it all. S

I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be easier to U-turn and put up with a horrible marriage. Mostly leaving because I don't want the kids to think the way he treats me is normal. Not physical, just nasty and controlling.

Sorry, some days are harder than others...

Congratulation - I can't wait for mine to be finalised. I had the decree nisi back in February, after a bit of negotiation have now drafted up the consent order and just need to get it signed and sent to Judge - I'm hoping it won't be too long. x

It's been an interesting day for me, the ex-h's new partner has decided that I am keen to get back together with him clearly insane and so he has asked me to not contact him by phone to discuss our DS, and to text him only. He's being a tit, and i'm not sure secret text messages will help here! She's got ishoos apparently which makes me wary of her meeting DS. Oh ffs!

ImFree2doasiwant it’s all at verbal agreement stage, we agreed on what he gets when i buy him out. He will get around 40% of equity which i think is fair, kids main residence will be in family home with me. He intends to have them over half the time once settled somewhere new. Kids clubs, ad hoc costs etc will be shared.
I think i’m very lucky because he’s not out to destroy me and i don’t want to ruin him either. So far he’s rather flexible and doesn’t demand all buy out sum outright. I hope we will remain amicable till the end and beyond the divorce for kids sake.

@Chaby, thanks for that piece of info, i did wonder about it

That all sounds very healthy @BestDaysAheadOfMe . Everything was agreed and amicable here as well at first. Then I got legal advice and realised I was giving away way too much. And now we're at stalemate.

I also don't want to ruin him, just want it to be fair. I hope to be able to get on and still have days out together / even holidays for the kids' sake. But I can't seem to move him past this impasse at the moment. He's angry because I got legal advice!

@Relocationlocationetc - healthy divorce after unhealthy marriage, ha!

Can i ask, what sort of split did your lawyer propose % wise? I think 60/40 in our case is fair and even if it turns out that I do most childcare in the future or cover more of their expenses is fine by me. I’d rather do a bit more and maintain better relationship with him for kids sake than go to court as it would all go tits up then. I can be frugal when needed so i will manage.

We can dream! When the decision was first made, we did actually get on better than usual. And you do hear of people being amicable afterwards. It's in Heat magazine and everything, so it must be true...

I feel the same about the kids. Relationship with them much more important.

Lawyer didn't advise me on the equity split, I've just accepted 50/50. I've actually paid more into this mortgage, but he paid more when I was p/t with kids in the past, so it kind of feels fair. I'm not buying him out now - planning to sell in 5 years when youngest leaves school - Mesher order kind of thing.

Wish it was all done now, and I'm less than 2 months in!😱😱

Good luck..

Sorry, should have said that was in response to @BestDaysAheadOfMe

New to Mumsnet...

Please, please make sure you have everything you agree written into a consent order. I had an informal agreement with ex which he completely reneged on 2 weeks before he should have paid me a substantial settlement. We’re now back to square one after almost 3 years. He is a bullying narcissist and I’ve been advised to go straight to a court timetable. I’ve had a MIAM and mediator said we were unsuitable for meditation due to his behaviour. I think I now have a long expensive battle ahead, but hopefully with a definitive end point.

@Nowthefunbegins that sounds awful. And the legal costs are eye-watering sometimes. You make an excellent point though.

I hope he sees reason at some point. I wish we could both fast forward time, to when it's all sorted and things are easier. One day at a time, I guess...

@Nowthefunbegins - your advice is spot on. We agreed on a buy out figure first and 2 days ago he’s done a complete u-turn and is saying we never agreed anything.
Fun days ahead.

I'm at the start of this process. I was hoping to use the new no fault divorce rules but it looks like they won't be operating until late 2021 and I don't want to wait that long to move on with my life. I'm 55 and it feels like time isn't on my side.

We have been married for 23 years (together 28). Children are over 18 and I have a job that will support me so in theory it should be simple. I finally said I wanted to divorce in January and now our children and families know that it's going to happen but I have put it off in the hope of using the new law.

Problem is I'm scared of starting down the unreasonable behaviour route as we are still living in the same house, which will need to be sold as neither of us could afford to buy the other out.

Just need to get some courage and tell him I'm filing I suppose.

I wish no fault option would happen sooner as well. I have been told that the unreasonable behaviour grounds can be fairly bland - esp given that no fault divorce will be an option soon. Has been suggested that I try to agree the grounds with him (I know, may not be realistic). Another option is to allow your husband to be the petitioner. I don't mind being the 'baddie' , but I am worried that putting him in the driving seat may mean it never happens....

Mine is v difficult to live with, refusing to budge from his (genuinely unrealistic) position. I genuinely just want what is fair (or even a bit less than that to get it over with). Have had to incur legal fees and have a solicitor write to him, in the hope that he gets some sensible advice himself and we can try and negotiate again. He's showing no sign of doing that and it's driving me mad, all under the same roof in lockdown. Feel v sorry for DC, aged nearly 17 and 13. Will it ever end?!

Good luck, all....

I have told my DH it is over. Together 20 years, married 18, two kids 9 and 14. He is devastated and finding it hard to accept. Thinks I am having an affair and have also been told I must be menopausal or have mental health issues. I just fell out of love.

All I want is the house. He can keep our other property, his pension (which is substantially bigger than mine) and the ISA he thinks I don't know about. He will come out with £70k or so more than me but I don't care - I just want the house. He is reluctant and still living here. I can't afford to buy him out but he could move into our other property once the lease is up but he is digging his heels in. It is just a question of trying to stay friendly and hope that he moves out sooner rather than later.

That all sounds very hard, @GinGym. My husband (or STBXH) is also behaving a bit like a cornered animal. Everything is my fault. Apparently.

Finding it hard as the atmosphere can be really toxic. Kids are old enough to pick up on that however hard we try to protect them. I worry a lot about the effect of this on them, with lockdown thrown in as well.

Desperate for him to go. You are probably right to try and keep things as 'amicable' as possible. He makes that extremely difficult though.

Is there an abbreviation on here for menopausal with mh issues? 😉

Hi

@WhiteWriting Got my Nisi July 2019, getting worried I've read you need to explain to the court why you havent applied for absolute within a year. I assume it will add to the mounting solicitors bill.

My absolute came through in Feb but as I was Respondent I don't know about the one year rule - I'm sure wise Mumsnetters will be along in a moment to advise. I would also imagine Covid has put such a spanner in the works normal rules won't apply this year!

I am not sure about the one year rule, sorry.

Is anyone else on here trying to sort out finances first and doing actual divorce later?

Stuck in limbo currently - STBXH won't even look at houses etc unless I agree his (v unfair) terms and we have written agreement. Won't get legal advice. I fear the DC are suffering in this limbo.

Any thoughts / ideas to move it forward please?

Worried that if I commence proceedings, he'll insist on staying until decree absolute. Need him to go!