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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

To think ex is wrong

26 replies

Hellanot · 07/06/2020 12:38

Ex is a bully, used to bullying people to get his own way. We had a child agreement in place, no legal bearing and no court order. But a fixed agreement in writing. Ex lives abroad so I have DC mostly in term time and ex in the holidays. From the start of lockdown ex has been in UK living near to us. He suggested dividing child care 50/50 due to coronavirus which I agreed. Obviously, coronavirus has lasted a lot longer than expected and ex has been seeing DC much more than on previous schedule. I assumed because of this we would also divide summer holidays equally. No. Ex has stated that he should still get the majority of summer holidays (5 weeks) with DC. He is saying we have a (previously) agreed schedule that we need to stick to! I am saying we haven't stuck to it because we've been seeing DC equally for the past 3 months. We could go round in circles for ever. What is fair here?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 07/06/2020 12:55

Your ex is wrong
50:50 over holidays too

Original poster
Hellanot · 07/06/2020 19:51

Thanks @millymollymoomoo Now, I'm not sure what to do from here.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/06/2020 19:54

Tell him to take it to court if he isn't prepared to accept 50:50 includes holidays.

He has previously agreed to x weeks per year, this year he has already had y weeks...

Original poster
Hellanot · 07/06/2020 21:47

Yes thanks will do @RandomMess

OP posts:
LilyMarshall · 07/06/2020 21:50

Oh yes add uo the weeks.

But yes agree with everyone else

frazzledasarock · 07/06/2020 21:51

Does he pay cold maintenance?

Will he try and claim maintenance from you as he has your DC more if he has more time over summer?

If fifty fifty is working I’d dig my heals in. And pre-empt any attempts by him to try and keep dc for most of the summer holidays by having your dc with you the first half of the summer hols.

Will he be returning back overseas?

Original poster
Hellanot · 07/06/2020 22:04

He pays maintenance but I don't care so much about that. He won't be able to claim any from me. I'm annoyed he has told DC he is seeing them more often now (without me agreeing to any long term plan) and has also spoken to them about his summer holiday plans where he is assuming he will have them for the majority of the time. He has told me numerous times we need to stick to the original schedule except doesn't see the irony in the fact we are not sticking to it right now.

@frazzledasarock the original plan was for him to take DC abroad for nearly whole summer holiday. I don't trust ex and would not trust him to bring DC back at all unless he has agreed in writing the exact date.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/06/2020 22:07

If need be you can go to court and get a prohibitive steps order but I guess if you have their passports you can refuse to hand them over?

Which country does he take them to? Could he potentially refuse to bring them back altogether?

Original poster
Hellanot · 08/06/2020 19:06

I have the passports but now I have said we need a clear agreement before anything else is agreed he is threatening me with legal action and saying I am denying him seeing the children. He is still saying the same old thing, that we agreed to a summer schedule and need to stick to it. Completely ridiculous. It's impossible to coparent with someone like this. What can I do from here?

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 08/06/2020 19:10

My exh was similar. Brought the dc home 45 mins later every single time.
Once they were finishing a game on xbox and he rang me saying the police and the police helicopter were en route as I was denying him his dc!!
Dc laugh about this now. They are nc with him due to him being an arse..
One rule for him it seemed.

Sally2791 · 08/06/2020 19:15

He is cleared being unreasonable, obviously he’s one of those who enjoy it. Try to keep as grey rock as possible, state what is happening and why, repeat indefinitely if needed. How old is/are DC?What do they want?

RandomMess · 08/06/2020 19:29

Let him take you down the legal route...

You have X years of him y weeks per year on the school holidays.

The arrangements have changed to 50:50 so you will no longer let him have the bulk of the school holidays as you no longer get all the term time weekends to compensate and you and the DC need quality time together as well.

RandomMess · 08/06/2020 19:30

He is just trying to bully you and expects you to be intimidated to take it to court...

Original poster
Hellanot · 09/06/2020 11:07

@Windyatthebeach police helicopters Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellanot · 09/06/2020 11:15

@Sally2791 @RandomMess yes he is a bully. I have also said numerous times this year not to text me and instead write an email yet he continues to do that and insists on coming in my house every time for handover. I need to put my foot down on all these things. I've had enough. Thank you for clarifying. It seems any sane person would think the same, that we have changed the schedule so he won't be having DC more in hols but obviously not to him. DC want hols split too. I could repeat until blue in the face with ex, he just asks me the same questions all the time trying to bully me into a different answer.

What can I do here? He rings DC every evening and is refusing to reply to my email about agreement on summer hols schedule. He is still telling DC he will be seeing them this weekend.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 09/06/2020 12:04

In future be on the doorstep with the door locked behind you when he comes for dc. How old is dc?

RandomMess · 09/06/2020 12:12

How old are the DC?

You can block him on your phone and their phones.

You can stop contact altogether and he would have to take you to court to sort it out. It would go via mediation but if he has been abusive towards you this can be waived by the mediator so it goes to court, or you can insist on shuttle mediation.

How much to the DC want to do this 50:50 etc? If they are 12+ what they want very much matters to the courts. If it goes to court then CAfcasss will get involved which will help ascertain what is best for the DC.

Do not warn or threaten stopping contact else he may fail to return them.

Original poster
Hellanot · 09/06/2020 12:12

DC 7 & 9

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/06/2020 12:13

Refuse to answer the door to him? Send the DC out the back door, have them waiting and their bags ready to grab.

If he is late cancel contact?

Windyatthebeach · 09/06/2020 12:17

Bully boy tactics and you bowing down to him aren't good for your dc. Let him take you to court for formal arrangements.. It will give you a legal leg as arses like him won't be reasonable..

Original poster
Hellanot · 10/06/2020 09:27

Thank you both. I realise he is an utter bully and does not respect what I say at all. He has been texting me constantly saying how dare I won't let him see his children (despite never saying this) while also not agreeing to any fixed schedule. Impossible to deal with so I've blocked him from my phone and said to email me only.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/06/2020 10:50

Well done!!!

Complete bully.

RandomMess · 10/06/2020 10:52

I would include in any email to him that the DC no longer wish to be with him for the whole holidays and that contact is for their benefit and they are finding his constant bombardment of messages to their phones upsetting.

How old are the DC and are they frightened to say no to him? Does he bully them as well?

CleanandJerk · 10/06/2020 11:11

I had similar. Ex kept messing about with access. Couldn't keep to any routine. Then suddenly would have a burst of parental love and want to see the children all the time...then this would die off. He moved away and expected that I would facilitate his access in my house while listening to him insult me. I got abusive messages. He threatened to move abroad and expected that the children will spend every school holiday with him. After telling him about a standard European holiday I was going on, he threatened to tell police I was abducting the children so an alert would be placed on us.
This prompted me going to court and getting a court order with it all outlined in black and white, pick up location, times. Cut out all his chopping and changing. An arrangement does not work with someone like that.

GemmeFatale · 10/06/2020 13:15

You don’t have to answer the phone. Or texts for that matter.

If you can afford it it’s probably worth asking a lawyer to chat with you for an hour about how it’s likely to go if you do take it to court.

How is your agreement worded? If it’s something like you’re the primary carer and he gets x weeks access per year to be arranged to fit around school you might find he’s had his agreed allocation. (Not a lawyer don’t take my word for that).