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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Has anyone been the one to leave the family home?

26 replies

xxKatie9806xx · 01/06/2020 20:50

Pretty much at breaking point so have started thinking about a separation from my husband.

Instead of asking him to leave, which I’m sure he would - I feel like I want to leave (with kids obviously, but reckon we would have pretty much 50/50 anyway) - I just feel like a fresh start may be better even if it means downsizing etc. All the while I’m here I’ll feel like I’m in his house etc. Has anyone been the one to leave and how did it work out?

I’m financially dependent on him but due to some inheritance I would be able to pay rent for a good while until I found a job.

Go easy on me even if you think it’s a terrible idea.

OP posts:
Otter71 · 01/06/2020 23:44

I was the one to leave though at his behest. Suitcase packed and locks changed for me. At the end of the day one of every separating couple at least has to leave the FMH. Starting again is just a very different challenge to having all the memories tied up. Good luck...

Lonecatwithkitten · 02/06/2020 07:06

Use some of your inheritance to get some legal advice ensure you understand the legal ramifications of leaving and paying rent.

JustOneLastThing · 02/06/2020 07:33

I was the one who left and I do miss my old house (bigger and beautiful) but I don't miss my miserable marriage!

LetsJustGetOnWithIt · 02/06/2020 07:36

I did and I'm glad I did, but I would strongly advise you get some legal advice first.

okiedokieme · 04/06/2020 17:51

I've chosen to. My choice because I wanted to move away from that city (we moved there for his work). He's staying in the house and paying me "rent" for my portion

madcatladyforever · 04/06/2020 18:00

I did and he bought me out of my half. That house needed too much work and I knew I couldn't afford to stay there so me and DS had to downsize. It was just as well because he never paid any maintenance or his mortgage and he lost the house and passed off abroad for years. At least I had a place I could afford. It was a nice little house.

Bluewater1 · 04/06/2020 18:02

I did, it was a difficult decision and I still occasionally struggle with it. But I like my little place too, it's mine and I've made it nice for the kids and me

attackedbycritters · 04/06/2020 18:02

I left. Since I had no idea how many years it would take him to leave.

newtb · 04/06/2020 18:14

Left just before dd was 20 and working abroad - nearly 3 years ago. Not yet divorced as French courts have been closed.

Nearly ran out of money as he refused maintenance for nearly a year.

millymoo1202 · 04/06/2020 19:14

I’m considering it but will struggle financially as all accounts in his name and won’t give anything until full agreement made. I’ve made lots of offers as have 2 children and no mortgage on house, ideal would be I stay until education finished but he won’t agree to anything apart from 50/50 on everything and house sold. We’ve been in same house almost a year and it’s unbearable especially for the kids but I don’t have the cash to rent and will struggle to raise big enough mortgage to buy him out, don’t think he’d agree anyway. I have always worked part time minimum wage to enable him to jet off at drop off a hat. The sad thing is he can’t see the damage he’s doing to his and kids relationship, in his words they need to just suck it up. I’m at breaking point as feel I’ll never be free. I have a solicitor who I’m seriously considering changing as nothing has moved. Financially he could rent or buy as earns 80k plus but refuses but still pays all the bills. Everyone is miserable

thenamesarealltaken · 04/06/2020 19:20

I left 2006 and rented.

Life's too short and with him it was pure misery. No other guy involved, just had to get out and make it work. I'm glad I did.

thenamesarealltaken · 04/06/2020 19:26

Millymoo, is he the children's dad?

Is he your husband?

Are you on the deeds?

Did you pay deposit on the house?

You sound so miserable. I wish women wouldn't get themselves so dependent on a guy! It makes you feel trapped. But, can't change that. There will be options. There are too many unknowns at present

Lollypop4 · 04/06/2020 19:26

I did, After 13yrs...with Dc age 10&6, I decided I was sick of living like a single parent!!
We had a nice home , in a nice area with our friends...
I moved back" home" to all my family , 140miles away.
Started out with nothing but our clothes, kids toys , the family car and the TV 😂
It was hard but 100% the best decision.
7Yrs on, ex Dp is a much better father, very involved, daily contact via phone , every 2weeks and school holiday for a week visits..and we get on much better
Good luck

TARSCOUT · 04/06/2020 19:36

I didn't but DM did. Her and I shared a single bed for the best part of a year, we had no carpets for 2 years. She got a job (first in probably about 20 years), got her income support and we were much happier. She took nothing from my father at all and we did it together. Yes we ate pasta for years and she made all our clothes but we were free! Fast forward a good few years and you have 4 adults with amazing jobs and own families, totally independent and understand what is important in life and it isn't a house.

millymoo1202 · 04/06/2020 20:55

Yes I’m on deeds so joint owners, married 20 years, both put money into house from previous properties. I have no pension and savings in his name. Pension equals my share but in his words he never paid anything into it so he’s not fussed about it! No great shakes re marriage just don’t want to be together but he will not go and won’t allow me to go, it’s all about control that he’s losing!

LOliver123 · 04/06/2020 21:01

I did - I was bought out, he has kept bigger house, I have bought a smaller one in neighbouring village. 50/50 shared custody - all very amicable

GlassOfProsecco · 04/06/2020 21:06

@millymoo1202 - I'm in almost exactly the same situation - it's all about control!

I had somewhere else lined up to rent, but could only move out if the house was sold (or else I could potentially be liable to pay both mortgage & rent) - but he refused & now we are stuck together in lockdown in Scotland.

My only saving grace is that it's Scottish law & there is a strict timescale to resolve things in.

I just want to move on with my life!!!

Branleuse · 04/06/2020 21:07

I did, because i was not working at the time ( i was studying) and i couldnt have paid the mortgage.
He told me if I didnt agree to sell he would file for bankrupcy and id have to sell anyway. I figured if I just left, I could claim housing benefit for a while under the circs and get the hell away with ds1 amd that's what I needed to do as I felt like I was in crisis

I do regret it, as never did get back on the housing ladder,

millymoo1202 · 04/06/2020 21:12

I’m Scottish too and my solicitor has told me there’s no timescale which I don’t believe as no one can live like this, him included! He just doesn’t reply to anything, still waiting for his P60 from almost a year ago

GlassOfProsecco · 04/06/2020 21:22

Ah Millymolly - we are not married so there are strict timescales under cohabitation law.

I told him in October that I was done & he has lied, manipulated, gaslighted & delayed. Solicitor-led mediation was a waste of time as he just reiterated that he was right.

We could have sold at the top of the market & I could have moved in to the rental place. But he couldn't lose control of course....

Then lockdown happened & I think it will be a while before the property market reopens.

There will be no equity to fight over by the time this is finished!

I hope you can resolve things & escape him. Life is too short!!

workshyfop · 04/06/2020 21:33

I have. He kept the house as he could afford it. I bought a cheaper house close by. DC shared 50:50. I’ve always worked FT.

millymoo1202 · 05/06/2020 08:17

@GlassOfProsecco sounds exactly the same as me as house could’ve been on market months ago! Good luck to you too

Twobigsapphires · 13/06/2020 21:20

I did. Ex Dh bought me out and I rented for a while, it was tough as had no maintenance due to 50:50 contact. Bought my own place a year later.

Jimd2020 · 28/08/2020 19:48

Hi, a guy on the other side here looking for advice really from a different perspective.

Have a wife and 2 children which I adore and who are my everything.
Have a mortgaged home with wife.

We are amicable albeit with an atmosphere in the air which the children are picking up on.

I'm looking to move out and rent somewhere close by to avoid jeapordising the amicable relatioship we have at the moment. (We have verbally agreed on all parts of the seperation such as children, finances, debts etc, the plan being to put a separation agreement together outlining all of this) I've spoken to a family law solicitor not an official paid session, just a free phone call who has advised that it's ok to move out and it won't affect my rights in anyway as long as the wife puts in writing that but reading these posts and others on the forum I'm questioning the advice.

Ultimately I will be moving out I feel, she wouldn't move without the children and I wouldn't want the home without them so it makes sense for her to stay (she has agreed to pay mortgage and all bills with the view of buying me out of my share to allow me to buy elsewhere)

There isn't talk of divorce as yet so the presumption is we would go for the 2 year seperation way as there is no blame.

Sorry if I've hijacked but am lost with the minefield of conflicting information about.

GetRid · 28/08/2020 22:30

@Jimd2020 you probably won't get any response by adding something to an old thread. Better to start a new thread of your own. Good luck

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