Not sure how to cope

[veralovesflowers]

My husband and I have had our fair share of problems since we had our children (6 and 2). We had counselling last year and everything seemed much better. Since lockdown we have both had to work full time at home in very stressful jobs with both children at home. We also got very ill with what I think was the virus and he had a massive pay cut so it's been tough. We were ok for the first few weeks but were arguing for the last two. We had a big blow out a week ago and he has now told me he wants to divorce and has left me and gone to live with his parents. It's a trial separation apparently but considering what he said to me I doubt he's coming back.I'm on my own with the kids, the eldest is devastated, I can't see my family as they are shielding, my friends are trying to help but I can't put them at risk. I've been put on compassionate leave this week and work are being as kind as they can but they need me there particularly at the moment. In short I just don't know what to do. I can't stop crying and I know it's bad for the kids to do that so I also feel guilty. I don't know what I'm asking for on here really, I guess I could just really do with some support.

You poor love. You are in shock and just need to take it hour by hour at the moment. I am months down the line from you so can hopefully give some advice. It is ok to do nothing. It is ok to cry and it is ok to ask your GP for help. Work might not be the best place for you right now. The next little while is about surviving. Eat when you can. Get some sunlight. Sleep if you need it - whatever the time. Keep to a routine (having your kids will help you with this). Try not to catastrophise or think too far ahead at this stage. Much love to you x

Thank you so much for your reply I really appreciate it. I just can't believe this is happening. I spent today having to put beds together as he left after taking their old ones apart while we were waiting for the new ones. Kids have been sleeping in my bed while I try and get it sorted. It's like he didn't think any of it through at all and he just doesn't care. If he does want to come back I don't know how I will forgive any of this.

It's the shittest thing. Take it slow, aim to get to the next hour, the next kids feeding, bedtime, etc. Small steps are still progress. Give yourself huge praise for just getting each day done and keeping the kids safe.

Are you sleeping? sleep aids may help - balms, spray, over counter tablets

Are you eating? drink lots, super sweet drinks for the sugar, eat what you can when you can.

Mediation - lots of free apps with short guided mediation. 2/3 mins could just take you away from the panic feelings.

The kids wont care if they are in your bed! They may like it and it may be nice for you.

There is a thread in relationships 'some friendly words support group 4' where some amazing warriors support each other whilst in relationship breakdown and divorce.

this would be shit without Corona to deal with on top. Can you get out to meet with friends or family outdoors? Without distractions I find thoughts can rattle around in your head. Also gives a bit of perspective that the world is still turning when you feel you are losing your grip on it.
Do you think he is likely to come back? Has there been any communication? And more to the point do you want him back? When you say big blow out do you think it is the end or a chance to reset after being cooped up with all the pressure of work/home schooling etc.

Thinking of you ☹️ be strong, you can do this xx

I was there last year, it's horrible. It does get better, slowly, very slowly. For now, just manage to get up, care for the kids and eat every day.

I hope this time apart give him the space he needs to work things out.

i'm so sorry you're going through this. it's hideous. i have been there myself and it took me two years to stop crying and i didn't even like him!!! it was really tough and it changed me and i was extremely cross and my anxiety was through the roof.

on the bright side?!?! i hope your children are okay and you will be too and here is great as there's always an answer and i am thinking of you.

Be kind to yourself. You are in shock and grieving. Just do what you can hour by hour if necessary.

Remember to drink and eat what you can.

Get in touch with your gp for advice and support. And lean on friends and family.

Write notes to yourself and get the emotions out. Any communication sleep on what you need to say before you send anything to him
Now.

Be practical if you can. Look at your finances. Seek legal advice if you can. They will be able to advise you either over the phone or e mail. More things around a bit at home and out his things away somewhere so they don't upset you.

Your children will be ok just do what you can. And if that is nuggets and films so be it.

You will come out the other side in time. I'm 3 years down the line and I can say I'm over it now.

Thank you all for your kind messages. I had a very bad morning as I tried to speak to him when we had agreed not to for 2 weeks and he was really angry. I shouldn't have done it but kids had me up at 5.30 and I was feeling a bit desperate. I managed to get up and get the kids out for a walk though which rather ridiculously seems like a huge achievement. They actually seem ok thank god. The little one doesn't understand but my eldest seems calmer. I've been thinking about it and I know we have had issues for years on and off - he goes out all the time and has stayed away on various occasions all night when i don't know where he is. I manage a busy job and all the childcare/ arrangements/ general life, but we have been ok following counselling and I thought things were ok (though he still goes out a lot) so I just didn't see this coming. He has depression and also told me he was suicidal a week ago so the week before he left I just didn't know what to do I was scared to say anything. He is just so angry with me his face this morning on the video call was like he hated me. Finances are a mess we earn enough that they shouldn't be but he's in loads of debt. Stupid thing is I don't know why I'm so desperate for him to come home after all he has done. So sorry for my long post, it's just so nice to hear from people who understand.

Change is hard and scary. I stayed in a bad relationship because it felt safe.

My ex was out all hours drinking with new friends. And consequently the other women. It made me feel like rubbish.

I kept the status quo because the alternative seemed impossible. But my children are happy and settled and I'm ok.

My ex had been around more because of lockdown. And the kids always ask when is he going back. He is short tempered and shouty. And we get in just fine without him around.

Try not to reach out to him. I know how hard that is. But he is no longer your friend. Lean on your other sources of support let them be your sounding board now.

Thank you Unicorns how old were your kids when he left if it's ok to ask?

Eldest was 10 and youngest was 5. He worked away so we were already use to it just being us. We quickly got into a routine of every other weekend. The children needed consistency. Especially the youngest.

Sadly ex hasn't behaved well. I've had no money for 2 years ( promises were made) and letting the kids down over contact and generally being very absent from their lives. My eldest went no contact for a year. But they have built some Bridges recently. I had kept contact to an absolute minimum but due to lock down I have had to have him in the house to see kids and take some of the burden off me. It has helped me let go of my angry a bit. But he is still a complete let down.

Just take it Day by day.

My STBX always just did what he wanted. Drinking, weeks away with his friends. I never said no. I’d rearrange my work schedule around his lifestyle. I took on extra work when he wanted to set up his own shop. He repaid me by leaving me after 20 years and is now in a new relationship with a woman 15 years younger. And it’s all my fault. We never had a happy moment together according to him.

I won’t sugar coat it, the last year has been terrible and I’ve lost both parents a decade ago so I have suffered bereavement before. It is like that but worse because they make the choice to leave.

I have read everything I can that relates to midlife crisis and breakups. I had counselling, antidepressants and constantly listen to meditation and self help advise.

Very slowly day to day it gets easier, honestly it does. I’m a year on and today is a bad day but those bad days are fewer. At least I get to be with our children most of the time.

I do feel for you, I really do. (Hugs) Hang in there. I think you’ve done brilliantly by going for a walk.

Not sure if anyone will see this and I'm sorry for keep messaging on here. my husband still hasn't seen my children. He's bought himself a new car on finance that hasn't arrived yet but he's saying he can only pay basic child maintenance and wants them 3 nights a week when he's rented himself a flat. I just can't understand it he keeps saying the kids are his priority but he hasn't even seen them and he's leaving us with nothing. A month ago today he decorated the entire house for my birthday. How do I process this? What will i do about money I'm so scared for me and my children

Sorry things are going so badly. It might be worth posting in relationships. There are people there who can advise you and share their experiences of going through the same.
You need to know that it will get better and even much better.
They can also advise on getting together what you need to protect yourself and the DC in a divorce

I remember being where you are now and my heart honestly breaks for you but I promise you will get through it. If you need to cry then cry if you get angry take it out on a pillow but just allow yourself to let it out. Hes only focusing on the bad and maybe you need to take a leaf out of his book? it took me a while to get rid of my rose tinted glasses and realise it was for the best. It's hard when you are holding the fort with the kids and he just gets to go off and process things on his own and with support of his family. If I was strong enough to get through it I know you can

Hang in there. He isn't worth it. But I know how hard this is. This isn't what you wanted. And he is way a head of you emotionally slipping off to his new life without responsibilities.

Time to get tough. Have you had any legal advice?

Cms. Have you been on line and done the calculation?

Have you looked into benefits? Turn2us site will give you an idea of what you are entitled too.

Gather good people around you. He is no longer part of your support network. I made it very clear the only thing I wanted from my ex was for him to pay his child support (that didn't last long). It is only very recently that he told me how much he hated that I completely cut him off. He wanted to be friends to make it easy on him and ease his guilt. I wasn't giving him any of that.

Agree contact. If he has no where over night. He has the children every Saturday. And Wednesday for tea. Or whatever works for you. You needs some respite.

Start packing up his stuff. Move things around at home. Buy new sheets. Make small changes to make it feel different.

Make enquiries about counselling. Contact your gp for support if you feel you are really not coping.

I know how hard all this is. But as MN would say. Fake it until you make it. Hang in there.

Unicorns thank you so much for your message it really helped. I think I have been a victim for so long it's been a bit engrained and I totally need to start fighting back. He's spent so many nights out away not coming home with me not knowing where he is, been emotionally and verbally abusive and left me responsible for everything with both children since we had them. Now he's left me in the middle of a lock down.It's better he has gone. I just need to get myself together for me and the kids and I feel much stronger today. ❤️

That is good to hear. My ex was the same slowly stop engaging with me and family life. Doing his own thing. He was a bit young for a mid life crisis. But it had all the classic symptoms.

It has taken me a few years to get myself together. Impacted by his refusal to financially support the children. But I was clear about boundaries. I didn't want him in the house. I kicked up a fuss if he was late collecting the children. If he cancelled his weekend then he missed out until his next contact. ( he had history of messing the children about) so got tough I didn't give him an inch. I took control of what I could. It wasn't easy because I have always been a complete door mat.

You put yourself and the children first.

Get your finances in place. Separate them as quickly as possible as any debt is joint debt and he does not sound like he is holding back on his spending.

I’m sorry this has happened in lockdown. It was 2014 when I was abandoned at a tiny station on the border of Netherlands and Belgium by my estranged. It took me 7 1/2 hours - or 2 in the morning to get back to Düsseldorf where I was living to support him and the family. Thankfully I reached out to Mumsnet and people were amazing. Don’t be convinced to take back a selfish person. Be kind to you and write down all the horrid things he has done to you and not done for you.
When tempted to call remember he is probably lying so why should you want to hear it? Sing. Look online for church services or YouTube and listen to what Real love is. You have the right to be loved as an equal. Settling for less is demeaning. Love and hug your children. If they talk about their absent father be firm and ask them to remember Mummy is here. One day this will just hurt less. You will learn to laugh again. I’m sending a June 2020 hug.

My husband kicked me out. I came home to changed locks and a suitcase he packed and told to phone a friend. The kids stayed at home despite my protests. Tried to see them as I could but I was relying on the kindness of an amazing friend who quite reasonably didn't want him to know where I was. When my youngest told him (she knows my friend reasonably well whilst ex had no interest) things deteriorated rapidly. He kicked off and said I couldn't have them if I was just taking them for treats. Bearing in mind I had no home to take them too at this point. So do check why he isn't having contact as it may not be all down to him...

How are you @veralovesflowers

@veralovesflowers Sending you a virtual pick you up. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Hug those precious children and tell them how much you love them.

Hello thank you for checking in on me. I haven't been on for a while as I have been so busy. I'm weirdly doing ok. I've sorted the house out from top to bottom, gotten on with work and I'm keeping the kids busy with outside activities. It's hard as he's not helping with childcare at all and I'm working full time, but work are being very supportive. I also start counselling next week which I hope will help me process it. He's agreed to pay maintenance and half the mortgage and I've instructed a solicitor so I can get this formally agreed - and start divorce proceedings. I would assume lots of men on his salary would pay more, but I can survive with that and my salary. He's seen the kids a couple of times I've been totally polite and not said much. I packed bags for him the last time including wedding albums and sent him off with them. He looks like sh*t which I can't say I was sad about. I have realised I would never have broken up my family and would have kept trying for years but now he's done it I think me and the kids might actually be better off. I hope so anyway.