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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Worried I don’t have ability to have my own life

30 replies

coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 09:25

Separation seems inevitable now. But I am worried about who I am without DH. I don’t yearn for a huge career, or to run marathons. All I ever wanted was a family. How do I make a life of my own? I have 3 young kids. I don’t feel excited about the future, only vaguely positive that I could be free from someone I have to walk on eggshells around. I feel embarrassed in front of the children as it’s clear he hates me. I feel a bit ashamed of what a half person I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 09:26

One thing I would like to have my own home that I can decorate as I want and make homely.

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FortunesFave · 14/05/2020 09:28

If your marriage has been so bad that you've been walking on eggshells, you're still in trauma Coco.

The way you feel now is not who you really are and you won't always feel like that.

You DO have a family...your kids...they're your family.

One parent doesn't mean the family is invalid.

Are you still living with him? Why is it clear he hates you? What's he doing?

Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 09:35

He hates me because he didn’t take a job he wanted because I didn’t want to move away, because I knew he didn’t really love me anymore so was scared of being far away with no support from family or friends. He is a workaholic.

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Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 09:39

He is angry and resentful and thinks I have destroyed his whole life. So yes, it’s pretty clear! Am I am awful person? He tells me that I am selfish and vindictive and pathetic for wanting to be near my parents. Am I really awful? I’m not sure anyway. I can’t work out if I am a bad person or not. All I know if I have no charisma to have a life on my own. I’m not worried about practical things. My parents are wealthy and I am capable of earning good money, I just haven’t worked much. I do everything at home and am practical. Not the sort of person who needs a man to check the boiler or take out the bins and stuff. Also I have taken the kids to France on my own before, I am very practical. Just have no personality or ability to build a meaningful life as I don’t hold any ambitions.

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Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 09:42

And I don’t drink so I am no fun. I don’t like going out on the town and stuff so I don’t have a yearning to do fun things if I have weekends on my own.

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everycowandagain · 14/05/2020 10:24

It sounds like you have internalised his beliefs on what makes life meaningful. You have different values from him, that doesn't mean you are lacking or failing in life. The things which are important to you are just as valid as the things that are important to him.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 10:30

But now what is important to me seems dull. A cosy, tidy house, friends for the kids and a nice neighbourhood. Taking pride in our home and not going on endless days out rather than doing anything to maintain the house. Maybe I am just old fashioned. But I guess I am very dull now.

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FortunesFave · 14/05/2020 10:36

It's not dull. And if you think back to who you were before you met him, then I bet you had interests then.

LemonBreeland · 14/05/2020 10:46

It sounds to me like you want a pleasant quiet life for you and your DC. There I nothing boring about that,

Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 10:47

Not pleasant and quiet with no dad at home. He is the fun one.

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LemonBreeland · 14/05/2020 10:53

How fun is he really, if you are walking around on eggshells around him. The DC will have picked up on that, even if it doesn't seem that way.

I think perhaps you need counselling to see that you have some worth. I feel that you have been put down so much that you don't know who you are any more.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 10:59

He is ‘fun’ as he arranges loads of activities and outings. Everyone comments on how amazing he is at organizing stuff. But he doesn’t like socializing. Says he is too tired to socialise as has to work so hard. I get so envious when I see dads washing their car or something as I think, ah there is someone taking pride in his home and seeing something that needs doing and doing it. Not thinking he is too important for stuff like that.

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Thornhill58 · 14/05/2020 11:35

You sound great to me. Practical, good earning potential, low maintenance, non drinker( I don't either long story too much tequila once) you are a great daughter and friend. You just need to find your own path.
I think if he wanted the job badly enough he would have taken it.
I'm sure you are going to make a great cozy life for yourself and the kids once he gets on with his life.
Be brave and you'll be fine. Once the negativity is gone you'll be set. A great life is ahead of you. You've done the right thing by staying near your support group.

Thornhill58 · 14/05/2020 11:39

The kids will still enjoy the fun with their Dad on his weekends. I'm sure you'll find activities that you enjoy too.
Stop thinking you are boring. Clearly you are walking around nervous and insecure round your house in case he gets upset.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 11:44

I don’t know who I am. I know I am bright and capable of a good job. I just had a setback when I first started out and after that point decided to let my career take a back seat. But I’m not fun, I’m anxious, I’m
Introverted. I like being at home. I can’t picture the sort of life I could create for me and the kids. It wouldn’t compare to the adventures they are used to. My mum has always been my safe space though and I want that for them. She would always be there for me, any time of the day or night. But she also has an unhappy marriage and basically lives for her children and grandchildren. They are very comfortable though.

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LonginesPrime · 14/05/2020 11:55

I don’t know who I am

OP, I felt exactly the same when I was leaving my relationship with my abusive ex too.

You likely have a long road of recovery ahead of you to undo all of the conditioning and trauma, but you're also in for a lot of joy as you rediscover your own personality and how to enjoy life without it having to depend on anyone else.

Honestly, this is the best thing that could happen to you and when you look back a year or two down the line, you will shudder at the possibility you thought that this was all there was to life.

You've got loads going for you and lots of positives in your life. Google the Freedom Programme as I think it might help you to shine a light on what you're actually losing vs what you're escaping from!

Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 12:22

He’s not abusive, he just resents me for not letting his follow his ambition and move us all away. He said he may as well be dead now. As without his career he is no one. He is very generous though and great with the kids, they adore him. Though they have definitely noticed now that he isn’t being nice to me and have started sleeping in the same bed together. I feel weird today, like a stranger in my own house. I just want him to love me which is pathetic. I think I am sad that me and the kids aren’t enough. For many, it would be a dream to have 3 healthy, gorgeous kids who worship them.

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LonginesPrime · 14/05/2020 13:05

OP, you have said:

He tells me that I am selfish and vindictive and pathetic for wanting to be near my parents.

Your DC have definitely noticed now that he isn’t being nice to me

And

He’s not abusive, he just resents me

Ok, fine, he's not abusive.

From all that you've said, it sounds like he's blaming you for his career not going the way he hoped and is not taking personal responsibility for his own happiness. It sounds like he's gaslighting you and it has got to the point where he's torn down your self-esteem so far that you don't even know who you are without him and are starting to believe you're a terrible person because he keeps telling you that.

I would still recommend you look at the freedom programme - it's not just about violence (that's only one aspect of abuse) and it will help you to clarify what's what in your own head.

Eebyjeebies · 14/05/2020 13:14

Oh, you sound lovely!

There is nothing wrong with wanting a nice home and happy family. Not everyone wants big careers. Not everyone wants to be out socialising. It's fine to do what you want. If that means be near your Mum and spending time at home so be it.

You've forgotten who you are and what you want because someone is telling you that is wrong and dull. Start today by doing what you want and what makes you feel better - make a nice meal (tick), do a bit weeding (tick), ring your Mum (tick), start learning to crochet (tick), whatever you want!

Don't worry about anyone else least of all your DH. Focus on yourself!

Eebyjeebies · 14/05/2020 13:17

DH and I are like peas in a pod. That makes for a very easy and happy life. You need a partner who wants the same things as you.

Bartlet · 14/05/2020 13:30

To be honest it does seem incredibly dull. The narrow life that you seem to want at home with your parents close at hand, not doing any activities, no job and basically being an old fashioned housewife sounds torturous and many people would hate it. Your dh seems to be one of these people so you seem fundamentally incompatible. It doesn’t matter of hundreds of people like you comment on how great it is if the person you are married to doesn’t agree.

It looks like you’ll need to start to plan your own life apart which sounds like no bad thing as you claim to be financially independent (well from him anyway). Please do try to chart your own path and build a separate identity for yourself away from just being “mum”. Don’t fall into the old trap of giving your all to your kids and when they grow up you realise that you have nothing of your own.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 13:36

We are similar in many ways, just not on work which became too all consuming. He would turn up at school assemblies in an Uber and zoom off again in a flurry. I would sort of prefer he didn’t come at all rather than it all be so ‘putting in a brief appearance’ like some sort of celebrity or something. Almost like saying I’m a good dad because I turned up for the assembly.

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Original poster
coco123456789 · 14/05/2020 13:38

I do have a job. Just not a career

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LonginesPrime · 14/05/2020 13:43

He would turn up at school assemblies in an Uber and zoom off again in a flurry

That sounds like me, and believe me, I don't view myself as some sort of self-important celebrity! And I certainly don't do it because I need to get brownie points for being a good mum, but because it's bloody hard to juggle work and being there for the DC.

You H sounds kind of shitty anyway, but I agree with PPs that you're not compatible if this is how you're viewing the fact he's made the effort to get to DC's assembly in the middle of his working day.

moveandmove · 14/05/2020 19:33

You are incompatible. I couldn't live the life you want so understand where your dh is coming from. When your kids leave home you'll have nothing if you've got no hobbies, interests, friends etc.

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