Any tips for getting through a split

[Mumofkimkiercar]

I’ve been married almost twenty years. Three children.We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but I thought we would be able to overcome anything.

However hubby announced last month he doesn’t want to work on our marriage anymore. I’m devastated for myself and for my children. I can’t stop crying and he has shown no emotion at all.

Nothing has changed yet as obviously we are on lockdown and so he can’t find anywhere else.

I’m just hoping to hear from people who have been where I am that there is hope to get over it as at the moment I just don’t see how. X

Hi OP,

I am so sorry you are going through this - but yes, there is definitely hope!

My husband left me after 21 years for a woman 17 years younger than us. I had a six year old. I won't lie it was a horrible year to 18 months. But I grew a huge amount. I rediscovered myself. I came to relish the freedom, the new possibilities, and I am now two years into the happiest, best relationship of my life....... which I would never have had the chance to enjoy if it hadn't all happened. My child is also doing fantastically, with good relationships and contact with me and her dad.

It will be a journey, with lots of crappy parts, but really truly, there can be light at the end of the tunnel..... just focus on yourself and your children... give yourself a break, feel everything you need to, then start asking how you want the rest of your life to be!

Hold on in there.... you have my sympathies for this part!

Thank you for your reply. I don’t think it will truly hit me until he moves out and it’s good to hear there will be light at the end of that tunnel.

Lovely to hear your story.x

You are welcome.
I am surprised nobody else has replied yet - Mumsnet is a really supportive place and so many of us have been through what you are going through.

I know what you mean by its hitting you'.... from my experience it actually hits home quite a few times - in stages.... in different ways. You have a good cry, then feel better, then find yourself crying again....,?as you readjust your vision of your life. It isn't fun, but you will get there, OP! Promise, promise, promise there is life (and potentially a really really good life, waiting at the other end. Xxxx

Sorry bad punctuation - had a home-made cocktail! (They seem to be a lot stronger than the restaurant kind! 🤣)

@BraveGoldie how did you get through the crappy bits? having a weird few nights...

Sorry - just saw this.hope you got through your night ok.....

Best advice I can give is just let yourself feel it. I spent a lot of time trying to dull the pain, because I thought it would be more bareable (drinking/eating/ tv/ telling myself to get over it etc). When I learned to just sit in my room, Undistracted, and let myself cry fully and feel it all, it actually helped to 'get it out' and there would be a cleansed relief after...

I also had a fantastic therapist, who I saw once a week. He helped me know it was safe to grieve fully, establish new more self-assertive boundaries with my ex, and also helped make it a time of rebirth and growth and learning.

I had a few wonderful friends who I got lots of support and hugs from

And I had my daughter, who was my North Star through all of it. I was so determined to get out of this in a way that meant she and I could have a good life... and to deal with it in a way that wouldn't cause her more distress than absolutely necessary.

Everybody will have different challenges. In some ways I was very lucky - I was financially independent already with a good career - that gave me really good positive reinforcement during that time. For me, the huge issues were physical self esteem, having been left for a younger woman by a man who had never truly valued me, but I had thought was the love of my life.... the huge betrayal and lack of answers (we had always seemed happy and he had never once spoken to me about any discontent)...My lack of experience too (had never been with another man or really dated! - I was terrified!!), and the whole expectations of my life being turned upside down.....

But you really do get through it..... after the initial shock, I thought of it as a blank canvas I had suddenly been given- and I got to choose what to paint on it! 😀

The first 6 months, when you are in shock and scared of possible changes are the worst, I used to call it “the mourning of the routines and what was going to be” time, but once that key issues are sorted/agreed (accommodation, contact, income/universal credits) you will feel more in control and far far better.

Hang in there, it is not as bad on the other side. I spent years and years saving my marriage, the only thing I regret now it is not splitting earlier. I cannot day going solo has been a walk in the park, but I have been very happy, it was been a time of massive growth and a very empowering one. I didn’t notice how bad, sad and really unfulfilling my relationship with my ex was until I had been single for a year or so, honestly, it was as if the sun had come out (even when we split in good terms, and where very good friends at the time of the split and for a few years after that.

You will be fine, but sit down with a pen and start making plans and solving problems, this will help you and your kids to feel much better, it is the “not-knowing” that is a killer.

I'm still in the middle of it. It is grief and it takes time and a lot more time than you will want it to. I remember at the beginning wanting to know it would be over and everything would be OK. Eighteen months later and it isn't over as the divorce process grinds slowly but there are days when I feel positive and that is a huge improvement on the shock of those first few days. What helped was to start getting my finances in order, buying new bedding so that the bedroom was my space and repeating to myself that my husband is no longer my friend.

The end of my marriage was sudden. I discovered he had gone when I found the wardrobes empty so I didn't know the marriage was in trouble. My grieving will take longer I suspect but even so you have to go through the grief and not round it. Good girlfriends who can listen are essential.

I'm with you. My marriage ended several years ago, but limped on until Christmas 2019 and he left in February.

I still have far too much contact as the only way he can see the kids is to come to the house, he refuses to rent his own place and is waiting for ours to go on the market in 18 months- but that is a whole other story.

Its early days, but I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Ive decorated the bedroom so its now mine and not ours and I'm slowly changing little things around the place for the same reason. Our divorce is going through - he's pushed it, so to feel I had some control I'm divorcing him and he's paying!

Talking helps, although at times I feel like a burden when I call my sister or friends for what feels like the millionth time (they say they don't mind)

Just be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up if you cry and enjoy the calm happy days x

Yes, yes, yes to all of the above. Really well considered posts. I am 4 years into separation. I left but very reluctantly. Still have such a strong desire to reconnect but give myself time to think through why I left and imagine the reality of attempting to reconnect and it reinforces why the relationship failed. So yes, yes, yes to time and courage to feel the feelings of loss and change. I am not in a new relationship and never a hint of a new relationship. This is my harsh reality of separation. It can be tricky then to really ‘feel’ how blessed I am but everything passes.

Sorry should of said together 14yrs and two primary aged children x

Thank you for all your replies. It’s good to see/ hear from others who have been through the process and I’m pleased to know there is hope for recovery.

I married my husband the day before my 20th birthday. He was my first decent long term relationship.

Moving forwards, I need to work on myself. On my self confidence. I’ve gained a lot of weight which has led me to be body conscious and this has played a part

In why our marriage has fallen apart although it isn’t everything.

Thank you ladies x

Im on the flip side of this.
I want to separate (told him recently) and I have completely disengaged with him but its because he hasn't shown any concern or motivation/ voiced any opinion about fixing our marriage and the fact that we have sat in separate rooms for the past 3 weeks. Its only now that Ive given him an ultimatum he wants to try mediation.

I would jump at the chance of trying to sort it out. But sadly I think he is planning to move back to his hometown (170 miles away) so it’s not likely that he will want to change his mind :(

Mumof, you may find yourself very easily getting back in shape after this change, first because of the shock (I couldn’t keep much in in the first months as any kind of heavy food would make me feel sick) but as I adapted to my new life, my eating habits changed a lot without trying.

Both my ex and I looked ten years younger a year after divorce. But, please don’t put any blame on your weight for his leaving. My ex used to berate me for being overweight but honestly, that was just a way to shift his guilt, there were deeper issues at play, otherwise he would have come back running when I lost it all. Don’t let him make you think your weight was the problem.

He doesn’t make a fuss about my weight. Just says the odd thing like today “ you used to be skinny once.” So I joked back yeah when I was a baby!!!

He always says my weight didn’t bother him.

It’s more that I feel ugly in my own skin. I was 21 stone at the start of the year. I’ve managed to lose 2 stone then hit a block. I’m not comfortable and intimacy has gone downhill. But so had the affection.

I guess he just got fed up of waiting for things to change and that’s why he says he doesn’t think it will work xx

Just didn’t want you thinking it is all his fault.
Yes he is the one that has chosen to end things but if I had tried harder maybe I wouldn’t have lost him xxx

I've literally only joined mumsnet because all I did when I wanted to leave my husband, discuss divorce, make myself feel better was google 'help after separation' and mumsnet forums kept coming up. I really want to help other people going through the same as me.

It doesn't feel like it now, but I promise you, you will be fine. I have been separated for six months now and the fog is finally starting to lift. Married 11 years, two kids, should have left him a long time ago that's my only regret but we had good times and holidays so everything happens for a reason. Something will just click in your mind one day and you will start to feel a lot better and positive. I've just appointed a solicitor and that too has helped put my mind at ease with money and my future situation. I'm also, for once, not interested in replacing him with someone new. My goal post separation was 'quick, meet someone else' but now realise that is not fair or going to give them the real me. I'm finally happy on my own - of course long term I would love to meet someone but I'm happy doing my own thing, processing things properly and really working out what I want next time.

Yeahhh the 'happy on your own / getting to know yourself' thing is really important if it has been a long relationship. It can start with really small things.... like going to a decoration or clothes shop and walking round asking yourself what you really like. I hadn't realized I had been filtering everything by my husband's preferences for so long and only considered things I knew he would like/ reflected both of us....

I still remember when I bought some stripy shoes I knew he would have disapproved of! (In the end I didn't like them either, but it was like a rebellious experiment!), and I took huge pleasure in redecorating my home with colours I had forgotten I loved.... finally joined a dance class, which he'd always refused to do with me.... and once I got used to my DD stayed over with him, it felt lovely To be able to stay out late without having to tell anyone/ check/ feel guilty. 😀.

Most of these things are probably a few months after the first shock, but they are waiting for you....

I think you are right about the filtering, by the end of a bad marriage you may have lost your sense of identity some what, I even found it difficult to articulate what I, myself wanted, instead I would reply oh well, DS wants this or ex thinks that.

Taking my life back started with the simple step of devoting a full cupboard for linen, I always wanted to have a linen cupboard but my ExH never wanted to, how sad is that???

Now the cupboards, the house, my work and my life is all the way I want it.

I’m going through the same (separating by mutual agreement but no infidelity). Nice to hear everyone’s advice. I get scared & lonely (& sleepless) frequently over this.

Mumofkimkiercar - Ok - so I'm here after 15 years and we just called it time too. What a horrific time to end things!!! I am in the same boat, he has to stay here and we are pretending that all is good for the sake of the kids - I have 3 - but my heart is breakin, not because I'll miss him - I'm actually looking forward to being myself again - but because he actually doen't care at all, like 15 years and he'd say goodbye without so much as a tear. Well, in that case I'm better off and you are the same. Stay Strong - get up every day and be sure of this - Any love that diminshes you is not love!!!! Love makes you better, it does not take away!!

Our divorce was finalised yesterday. We still living together but I have to move out with our two kids at the end of May. We are officially homeless so at the mercy of our council for any housing they can offer.
I left him after 12 years of marriage. He is devastated but I can't possibly stay with him any longer. However, I am feeling so so incredibly guilty for breaking his heart and our family, ruining our lives, putting my kids through hardship..
I so hope there is happiness for both of us at the end of this.

Ladies I am So sorry to hear you are struggling. You have to grieve the loss of the relationship. And the future you thought you had. This takes time. I cried every time I drove for aBout a year and I just let myself feel sad. This was my safe place.

I had good friends that listened to me wallow and I got a counsellor and supportive GP.

Get practical. Move things around. Treat yourself to new bedding. Decorate. Make home your own.

Sort bills child support and contact. How is it going to look.

Keep a diary or notes of how you are feeling. Pour it out. Just don't share it. I use to write draft e mails. And sit on them for 24 hours and then not send them. They were full of emotion. Which ex was not interested in.

Get legal advice. Solicitors are still operating over the phone and e mail and as MN would say get your ducks
In a row. Copy any useful paper work you can find and keep safe.

I'm 3 years in from the split after 14 years together. He has behaved very badly towards me and the children I just keep contact to the absolute minimum. He has the children every other weekend. When he doesn't cancel. And we don't hear from him otherwise.

The children are amazing. And kept me going in the early days. It has taken time to adjust but we are ok. Sadly I haven't met anyone else. Funds are limited due to no child support for nearly 2 years. So a social life for me is lacking. But we are a happy little unit and I count my blessings every day.

I'd be personally aware of you can speak to in confidence. Friends wise that is.
I have found out the hard way that a group of friends actually cared very little about me and that really hurt too.
It felt like I had lots to deal with at once and it was really tough.