Separating and stuck together due to coronavirus? Support thread.

[neomneomneom]

That's me and it's grim. Made the decision to sell up and move into separate households then coronavirus struck.

Now having to live with an emotionally resentful, depressed DH who can't find the will to work or explore new avenues to survive our situation.

We have teenage children, one with additional needs and they have been so good at trying to adapt.

I veer between acute guilt and feeling sorry for him and frustration about us all trying our best to make this work and him not appearing to do his bit.

Anyone else in the same space ?

Morning all. I've been on several other threads, with some of you, over the last 6 months. Wanted to say there is now light at the end of the tunnel for me as I hope will be the case for so many of us stuck in this limbo. STBEX was told in Jan that it was over. Stuck together in lockdown since then. But after months and months of planning on my part the house finally became mine this week. I'm still stuck with him for another 4 weeks but as soon as lock ended he offered on a house... this is a man who rarely acts on anything so it was an amazing surprise in a good way. Just hoping it doesn't fall through - 6 months living with someone like this is slow torture. Next step is to tell the DC which is going to be very painful.

Sending strength everyone! This is such a difficult time, add in being trapped in a house with someone you are separating from... Eeesh. Nightmare. I'm on that unfortunate bandwagon.
H is alcoholic. Unemployed. We have been going through a divorce for 18 months and I'd told him I wanted to separate almost a year before that (never anticipated living together while divorcing, let alone being stuck in coronavirus hell).

One day at a time is all you can do in this situation. Do what you can today. There will be a future after all this pain x

Well STBXH has found a rental house. I feel awful, he loves our house and has done so much work on it but it made no sense for me and the kids to leave. He's very down and depressed but is going to get counselling, so that's positive.
Just hopeful that we can get through the horrible period of him moving out etc without too much pain. Telling the kids is next and parents etc. All very real now. Still, I mostly just feel relief and some excitement about what the future holds.

@Stegasaurusmum that's very positive news - I hope you keep looking at your list of why you know you need to split l, or your early posts here, so that you don't feel guilty and soften! Both of us now have to go through the telling of DC but at least there is a rented property on the horizon for you. I really need STBX to go but he is buying so at least 3-4 weeks to go and that's if it doesn't fall through. So good to be able to move on.

Thanks, yes it is positive.
Had a wobble today. Found a Christmas card, which he never gave me, tucked into a bedside cabinet. Promises to do things this coming year, like be home earlier (by 7...his job finishes at 5 and its a 30 min cycle home) to be home earlier 1 night a week so I can run and to do things for our son, like organise everything for school in the morning etc...

So I just felt awful. At Xmas we hadn't ended things, we were still 'trying'... He never gave me the card, possibly forgot or didn't bother.

Then I thought about it... Each of those things are things he should be doing anyway. They're all things I do everyday, without thinking, fit round his work, leave early to get the children, do all the organising... And whilst he promised, he didn't really do any of it.

Then tonight, he finally comes home, 7.30pm, barely speaks to me or the children, hasn't bothered to go up and talk to our daughter...

Most important of all, even if he had been an exemplary father for the last 6 months, or even the 4 months we were still trying to fix things, it wouldn't have made a difference. I still just felt guilt that I'm the one breaking it up. But I'm always going to feel that.

Some good news is that our mortgage is going through and because of when it happens there should be a little excess to mean that we can afford his deposit and furniture etc, he will probably spend a fortune, knowing him, it's what he does. He really only thinks about how things look, how expensive things are, how much better his 'stuff' is compared to others. So I'm guessing it's going to be a massive bill, to fill another 3 bed house.
At this rate though I'd happily give it to him, for him to bugger off.

So yeah, days like this remind me why I'm doing it.

Me too and I feel sick at carrying on like this. I made the decision to split over a year ago (separation after 20+ years. Never married), and given that it was my call, he doesn’t see why he should leave the house. I’m hyper-social, while he is an introvert and never goes out. We have been in separate rooms for a year and I’ve now spoken to a solicitor. Lockdown has been unbearable but I’m now in a position to start discussions/mediation. The trouble is that Iike you, lockdown means I can’t go anywhere, however I don’t want the kids to have to suffer the tension and stress while we work everything through. It’s inevitable there will be some and our teenager is very tuned to notice. But I can’t move out and I can’t stay with a friend. I have to sit in the car to make a phone call and he’s already found paperwork that I was sorting. It’s an unbearable situation. A few months ago I did self refer for CBT counselling. This wasn’t too helpful but it did allow me to see that breaking a big problem down into small chunks and working through each problem can help. I wish you luck too.

@StrongKate wishing you all the best. What has helped me this trying time in terms of 'inability to move forward' is making small steps and then writing those small achievements down on my phone (knowing that my STBX can't find them as he doesn't have access). These might be direct such as seeing a financial adviser, or indirect, such as cleaning out one shelf in a cupboard, looking forward to when I can be in a clean house without him. It helps me that I know I am staying here but not sure if that's the same for you? The order I did things in was seeing a financial adviser and checking and recording all financial issues, telling close friends and family, speaking to a mortgage adviser to buy STBX out, speaking briefly to an old contact family solicitor to check I couldn't be forced of it the house, telling ex and making it sound like he had options even though he couldn't buy the house, I kept all paperwork in a file amongst all my work papers which I thought was the least likely place for him to look... though I have a lot so it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack! Not sure if any of that is helpful. He's still not moved out but at least is moving soon... and it took two times of telling him it was over for him to take it in. In my case it is better and easier that we weren't married. Is that the same for you or does it mean the finances leave you more vulnerable? It's hard and we can only make slow and small steps at the moment but at least that's progress.

Thanks @marly11. We sound very similar. I have similar locked iPhone notes and have spoken to a solicitor and financial advisor. Was paralysed for a while because, although also unmarried, we have a Deed of Co-habitation which is complicated by a subsequent tenants in common deed when we moved. However since speaking to a solicitor, I’ve had to spend a lot of time going back through years of bank statements to show my personal overpayments. I’ll be presenting this to him and he’ll need to provide his own evidence. He doesn’t want to do anything through lawyers, so we’ll see where playing nicely takes us. Honestly, having my own space is my #1 priority but I made significant mortgage overpayments which I want to be recognised. I’ve spend 3 hrs going through back statements today. It’s a slog for sure. Divorce would be more clear cut apparently!

Spent last night very uncomfortably sat in near silence whilst DH told me he's moving on the 1st July, then bickering about money...
Then today told my parents who were very sad but understood and actually my dad took it more in his stride than I thought he would.
They've offered to have the children more to give me time to myself which is lovely.
Also means I can escape a bit as weekends are the worst right now, although only 3 to go before he moves out.
Mixed feelings, which is normal I guess.
Keep having a wobble and then reminding myself.. For example he just announced he's taking tomorrow off, because he's barely slept. Just reminded me of every single night I spent awake with our children while he ignore their waking, then getting up and driving them and myself to work, sometimes on no sleep, then teaching all day before driving home and going it again. No days off for me, no oh I'll take them tonight.
So yeah I feel bad but not that bad.
Main worry now is money... He's saying he will give me the minimum child maintenance and then half the childcare costs. Which I think is OK, I think I can cope on it. I'm thinking I ask him to pay something into a savings account for the children for rainy days, trips when they're older etc too.
But he's saying things like my daughters activities (only weekly, only about 70 quid a month) will have to stop. Whereas I think he should just pay half as its not that much and dd needs some normality, when they start up again.
I think he's going to want to talk again tonight, I'm exhausted by it all, there's always something new.

@Stegasaurusmum sending you and like you I'm counting the days. It's easy to say but I think the best thing to do is to try not to react when they come out with all this stuff. Much of it doesn't come to pass and the exhaustion of worrying about all of it by reacting straight away when much of it is hot air, takes its toll. Like yours, my STBX seems obsessed with trying to pay as little as possible. Frankly, he has not been contributing properly to the household for years so I would rather get him to go, sort out the access that I think is best for the DC and then once we have an established pattern, then go for maintenance if necessary. Otherwise access, money and maintenance all seem to get conflated which is not helpful for the DC. I think there's little value in responding when they are resentful and all over the place. It sounds like you are resourceful and confident and like many of us with the kind of man that has not shouldered his load for years. Mine has watched me shoulder more and more as he does less and less, so perhaps the only thing they have left is to hope that we can't manage financially... that won't be the case in thy long run hopefully and if we pull in the reins to a bit of extra curricular for a few months I'm sure it will mean we are running around less anyway! Hopefully he will realise that not paying for that will only hurt the Dc but you can't fight for everyone all the time. For me, I am getting to the end of my tether with him here and just need him to GO. It's my house now but not sure if it's insensitive of me just to start moving his pictures and stuff that will need to go in a few weeks. I'm trying not to but I just want to move on!

I’d made the decision to split before Coronavirus appeared and I was all set to talk to him and tell him! Due to lockdown etc. my plans have been delayed so I’m finding it tough.
I’m an NHS keyworker so escape 5 days a week but he was sent home to self-isolate in March (asthmatic)!!! Now, that has been tough for me. Having a grumpy 16 year old and a not-so-grumpy 12 year old away from school has caused me to go a bit do-lally at times!! I’ve had to take the car out to the local river, with a flask of tea, and sit for a few hours (or, go walking/cycling) on my days off. I’d crack up otherwise!!

@BloomingGoodTea that sounds like a good way to cope.

I've just hot so many thoughts revolving around my head still, am I doing the tight thing, what if we could be happy etc etc.. But I know it's just fear of all the change and the cost to all of us. It'll get easier.

Making a list of all financial stuff to sort out today, moving bills etc. Daunting task.

I'm a teacher and in work for 2 days or possibly more ivef the next couple of weeks, that and all the practical stuff and working from home etc will keep me busy.

Telling my daughter is going to be the hardest thing.. Got yo be this weekend, it's going to be horrible.

I hope it goes as well as can be. It’ll get easier!

Good luck for this weekend, just think it's nearly at an end and you can relax.
We made the decision to split in Jan/Feb, told the kids and then lockdown! It's been hard but he moved out last weekend. That was a really bad day and I spent most of the time double guessing myself but it's so much nicer at home, I feel relaxed and I know it's not going to be easy but I feel happier.
Still sorting out all the bills etc, but I'll get there 😊

Any help any of you can give with the 'telling the DC' bit would be most welcome. It's the bit I'm dreading and then their reaction also to STBX actually going. He hasn't packed anything. (I'm dying to just get rid of it all now.) It's not like the DC can go far during lockdown ... so will they be pleading for him to stay as they watch him pack? - just a grim thought. Also I think DC2 will be distraught, so do we tell them separately so DC2 doesn't make DC3 hysterical which he may not be otherwise. But then what do you do with one while the other is being told... ? And in normal circumstances you would get everything packed up while they are at school but that's clearly not possible atm.

Same situation here @marly11 I just don't know. I bought DD, 10, a judy blume book, called 'its not the end of the world' and ds, 5, a book called 2 homes.
I'm going to suggest that we tell them this weekend, as he wants to take on the rental house from the 1st and she's seen we aren't sharing a bedroom.
She's got pet rats that she loves, I'm thinking we wil go up and get her to let us three play with them etc as it's a good distraction, rather than the sitting down at the table etc...
Then just going to explain that we've decided we will be happier living apart, will tell her what will change and what won't.
Ds, I think it'll just be me telling him as he won't really understand properly. Read the book, then probably we will just have to keep mentioning it.
He wil adapt, it's DD I'm worried for. But I guess a blessing is that they're with me all the time currently, they're with their grandparents on Monday whilst I work, so it'll come out eventually but at least I'm around to help her. She also has friends from families where mums and dad's aren't together.

Packing, I think I'll take the kids out for the day somewhere whilst he makes a start at least, things like clothes she wouldn't notice gone anyway.

That's the plan anyway!

@Stegasaurusmum I hope this weekend went as smoothly as possible? I'm at the end of my ability to cope with all this and still not date for STBX to go to his new place - waiting in the purchase. Been very tearful this week for the first time just because I'm so frustrating at the endlessness if this situation. I'm exhausted with it all and there is a limit to how many more distraction tasks I can undertake without being actually able to not have his stuff here. I think maybe this weekend or the one after will be the date for telling the kids in the hope that end of June will be our deadline for his move.

How are the rest of you all doing? Is there any end in sight for any of you now?

@marly11 yes, totally understand that feeling. I'm so down right now, I've signed up for online CBT in an effort to try to manage how guilty I'm feeling all the time.

Telling the children, well, DD, was fine, but odd. She just didn't react much, didn't cry, just said, OK and got on we ith whatever she was doing.
Think it shows how little affection she sees between us and how little she sees us doing things together really.

He had found a place to live and had started buying furniture, but it fell through. So now he's looking again and saying there's nothing out there. Rentals are just so expensive...hes now looking further away, which means that he could only have the children EOW, or one weekend night, and that he couldn't do any school runs etc... So basically I'd be on my own with the children for all the difficult, boring, day to day stuff and he'd get fun weekends... 🤷‍♀️ Until he learns to drive, which considering he's not bothered in the 4 years since we've lived rurally and hasn't bothered in the 10 years previously, is unlikely.

I had originally suggested he look at 2 beds, but the children sharing might not work really, there's a 5 year age gap. They need their own bedroom. So that makes it more and more difficult.

The house is a tip, considering I'm here all the time I could be sorting out the piles of stuff everywhere, but I don't feel ready until he's left. I've been buying little bits here and there to redecorate my bedroom with, but even then I get down because I think well I won't have the money for the really big jobs that need doing like flooring and I've only got the house for 2 years, so what's the point.
I think I'll get my energy back soon, I'm just missing friends and I just hate the atmosphere here all the time. I thought there were maybe 3 weekends left to get through, but it's looking like it could be a month or so now at least.

I'm having a horrible time at the moment. He was meant to be moving out last year, then didn't. Then it was before lockdown - then it wasn't and now he's lost his bloody job, has told me has debts (I didn't know) and isn't going anywhere.

He refuses to accept that we'll have to sell the house - I'm apparently 'overreacting' and 'throwing us under a bus'.

I'm not the one who has an affair/drank constantly/never spent any time with the children. He's such a joke but I'm so stuck.

It's sometimes very difficult for people to look back and take responsibility for their actions. Far easier perhaps to attack and try and cling on... however it is for us to plough in and stick to our plans. Sadly people rarely change.

Hi, can I join you? Married 17 years, 4 kids aged 7-13, privately renting. He works full time, I’m self employed. No savings, no friends, I can’t drive.

I know it’s over, he clings on refusing to accept that it’s dead in the water. I’m so scared, I don’t know what to do or how to split. I can’t go anywhere. He’s controlling in a passive aggressive, quick to anger way.

His family live up in Scotland, he has no friends here, didn’t bother to make any (he was always hoping he’d convince me to move there with him) there’s nowhere for him to go if I ask him to leave, and not enough money to afford another rental.

I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse, so even though I’m utterly miserable, scared, upset and going through with sex that I don’t want all the time, it feels so horribly familiar, that I’m too scared to put things in motion to end it.

He has been home since March. Work have now helpfully announced he can work from home permanently. He’s over the moon and I am petrified. I have no time alone, and none in my future either. Not to drip feed but I’m not perfect and I’ve done bad things too. I’m not easy to live with and I've hurt him more than he’s hurt me. I had an emotional affair online because I was so miserable and lonely.

I have no friends, I can’t call the one family member I do have as I have no privacy ever. He’s watching me constantly, I’m scared to post here. I can’t breathe.

Hello,

Hoping it's ok to join? I'm separating from my husband (happened in May) but still having to live together due to the lockdown. We have told the kids and only a couple of close friends so have had to pretend everything is ok.
Now things are easing it looks like he will find somewhere to rent soon. I'll be happy to get out of limbo but I'm also terrified too.

Scented candles no advice but that sounds like you have a lot going on and need a break. Is there any free counselling where you are? I had some sessions at the beginning and it really helped.

@ScentedCandles that sounds awful and having been through it, I feel for you. Can you start a slightly new routine so that you 'always go for a walk at 4' say, or 10 once he's working... and then have a slot to either think and list next steps on your phone or phone someone? Lockdown made privacy impossible for me when my partner was here and I wanted to be present always for the kids, but seeing or talking to women friends who knew about my situation was strengthening. Then I found it helpful to plan. If you can start thinking through next steps or addressing the big steps of getting financial advice, working out your normal costs and so on, it might help you make some gradual steps forwards. Planning helped
Me to anchor my thoughts rather than just breaking up the relationship and then dealing with unexpected fallout.