Separating and stuck together due to coronavirus? Support thread.

[neomneomneom]

That's me and it's grim. Made the decision to sell up and move into separate households then coronavirus struck.

Now having to live with an emotionally resentful, depressed DH who can't find the will to work or explore new avenues to survive our situation.

We have teenage children, one with additional needs and they have been so good at trying to adapt.

I veer between acute guilt and feeling sorry for him and frustration about us all trying our best to make this work and him not appearing to do his bit.

Anyone else in the same space ?

I found out my DP is having an affair with a work colleague about a month ago. He was away and I strongly suspect it was with her. When he came back, I found his phone unlocked and saw messages from her saying ‘ I love you too’ And a couple of other things - he had deleted all previous messages to and from her. But she was the only contact on this app and the messages are still coming through thick and fast. I can see the notifications but not the actual messages.

I was ready to chuck him out but with the uncertainty that covid-19 was causing I needed to plan.

So DP doesn’t know that I know. He has been furloughed and I’m WFH - we’ve 3 dcs too. So right now he’s supposed to be looking after kids as well as doing the DIY that’s so needed around the house.

I’m impressed - he’s actually getting on with it. Just a shame he won’t be around to enjoy it- although he doesn’t know it yet!
In all honesty I doubt I’ll be able to afford the house on my own but at least we’ll get more for it when we sell or if he stays, the kids will have a nice home.
I just need this lockdown to be over - I’ve had enough of the pretence now - I need to tell him I know.

My husband henceforth known as TWoS (The Waste of Space) has just asked me to "be pleasanter in front of the child", I was actually ready to apologise until he carried on "and my friends", apparently it's upsetting.

Yesterday evening I got angry when he asked me to cook dinner because his feet hurt. His feet hurt because he's out roaming around all day ignoring the lockdown. He's not working, hasn't worked for a year. I'm working from home full-time as well as helping our son with anything he needs in order to do what school work he can and any other activities that are trying to carry on online.

So yes, I got angry. I stormed out of the room, slammed the door and went and cooked dinner. He got everything he wanted but I dared to show that I wasn't happy about it. I spent the rest of the evening up in our other son's room (he's married and moved out). I'll be sleeping up there from now on.

As for his friends, he's inviting them around, they're standing around, smoking, drinking and chatting in the garden, no regard for lockdown. Yesterday he had a couple of people round chatting and smoking in the cellar and he walked at least one of them out through the house.

Sorry, needed to vent.

I'm perfecting the art of crying silently because our son is always home at the moment and I'm trying not to freak him out.

I'm stuck with my stbxh because he refused any financial support to provide a home for me and the little ones. Anyway, I asked him for the small amount of money he gives every month, £250, to help feed the children and he went off on one and became quite aggressive, almost physically.

I don't have a solicitor but he can afford £300 + an hour for legal representation. I asked him if he can afford that, he should help to feed our children.

Then he said he has been put on unpaid leave so I asked one of his colleagues in the same job what was happening and they said, that's not true. That the company is furloughing some who are usually out and about but not any who are mainly desk based. Also, he says he is working full time for the past week and only mentioned unpaid leave when I asked for money for the lo's. I wish I could work in my sleep.

I know he can't wait to see me leave but luckily he sleeps most of the time and I make sure the children are sleeping when talking to him.

He asked to look after the children 2 days a week and I think it's good for them to have time with both of us, pizza and chips won't hurt from time from time to time. I guess I should appreciate he knows how to operate the oven!

The other day, I woke him up around 11am because it was the day he asked for and I can't just leave the children alone and ignore them while I work. He didn't even know what day of the week it was.

I know he will try to hide assets, how can someone afford an expense lawyer, not help feed our children and claim they don't have any money.

Squeaks onto thread

In a should I (he) stay or should I (he) go now quandary. Been together 3.5 years but own a house together. Both divorced.

I'm going to sit and listen and maybe be helpful quietly.... whilst I figure out whether to boot him out.

He's been using cannabis the last year. I didn't realise how destructive it is. He's an angry childish man so I have issued the ultimatum that he goes to therapy or else.

Now Corona.

I've done the divorce thing before so I'll join along and try to be helpful.

Need a thread to call home

I find myself in the same situation. The lockdown is making me feel more isolated. I made the decision to split with my husband. He was adamant to make it work. Things have been bad for years. We had sex once a year if that. We have a beautiful boy aged almost 6 who doesn't know what's going. We were planning on telling him then lockdown happened and I don't want to make it worse. We are in separate rooms which helps. I told my son it was best to sleep separately during this lockdown. He is too young to understand. My husband is taking it bad as he keeps going to sleep same time as my son around 8 and sometimes wakes up and stays up late. I have never felt more lonely in a relationship. So unwanted. I had a one night stand with a friend which was a mistake but I needed to have sex. Is that bad?

What a bloody awful time we are all having. As the days pass I become more and more irritated by DH. He hasn't worked in 4 months and shows no inclination to. When I bring this up, he tells me that whether he works or not is no longer my business, that there is money in our bank account and that I am controlling.
I'm worried that when the time comes for us to separate physically, there will be no money as he will have burnt through it and our options will be limited.
Him lazing around the house, doing nothing is no example for our kids. I'm trying to keep them motivated and it's an up hill battle.
Roll on freedom.

It's a brave face we need at this time

My DP is very obviously depressed. If this was a new Covid related depression then I would have sympathy. But it isn't. It's the same manipulative pattern of - pick - criticise - try to argue - try a different angle - retreat - pity/ cry - blame - raise voice - criticise - act like a lame dog - be unnecessarily helpful (and annoying) - woe is me - oh, I'm in your way - ignore - anger - raise voice - pick criticise

I'm so over him.

Lockdown = keep busy in my mind. I've done so much cleaning and DIY my bones ache.

He has laid on the bed/sofa and stared at his phone. Slept in the day.

If I didn't want to break up before then now I absolutely want to
Hurry up world

Hi OP. I’ve got two friends who are in the Sam’s situation and I feel for you all. Terrible timing! Also,not having any privacy for phone calls to friends for support is hard. I’m texting my friends frequently just to check they’re ok.

*the same situation

Maybe we need some incentives - a list of what we are going to do when lockdown ends.

I'm going to :-

1. Get the house on the market
2. See a financial advisor
3. Have the biggest G &T with my girlfriends who have been just amazingly supportive.

What are you going to do ?

Oh and @mrshoolie - thank you for your kindness. I'm surviving because I have friends who are like you!

I like this idea @neomneomneom I’m going to decorate my living room
Sort garden out
And try not to kill him! 😜

Nice idea @neomneomneom, I'm going to

1. Take youngest son to the cinema, 3 scoop sundaes and foot-long hotdogs all around.
2. Get oldest son and his wife up for a visit so we can tell the kids we're divorcing
3. Go through the house like a hurricane cleaning, painting etc then get it on the market
4. Start viewing houses
5. NEVER work from home again!!

Well I've done it now. (Almost)

I just emailed the solicitor I spoke to before the lockdown to ask what they need from me in order to kick off divorce procedings.

If there is going to be a massive surge in divorce when this is all over, I don't want to be stuck at the back of the crowd.

Wow - get you guys! Go you!

One thing I forgot is that when I move out, I will have music on in my house all the time. DH likes silence and whenever he's away, the kids and I just whack the music up! It'll be so nice to have it on whenever we like!

Today we have talked and made plans around getting all our assets down and trying to sort out a fair split.

We both know that separation is inevitable now and that there's no coming back from this. I'm hoping we can both make our peace with that decision but we will see.

Hi I am in the same position. DH and I finally came to an end on NYE when his anger finally turned physical. Since then we have been in a bit of a difficult place but the decision was (as we were due to move towns anyway) that we would move towns but to separate places. The house has supposedly sold (STC) but of course we are not moving anywhere yet and are in limbo. We have found no new place but that wouldn't stop us leaving. So we are in the rather odd position of being locked in together with the two kids (7 and 5) and waiting.

On the one hand we are getting along fine. I feel sad about leaving the family home in such weird circumstances. But then when he gets in a bad mood and angry it reminds me exactly why we are leaving and I can't wait for the house to hopefully sell and we can move on with the next stage of our life.

He doesn't want to separate so there have been some difficult conversations. We have been together 20 years. But sad as it is I still feel I am making the right move.

It's so awful isn't it, I'm in such a bad way right now, I've wanted to divorce my husband for years but I suffer with my mental health so have put it off because I've been terrified. His passive aggressive and intolerance towards me has so much to do with how I'm being effected. He is an American and I moved there in 2004 we had two children and then I wanted to come home, he agreed as he promised we would come home if I wasn't happy. Now it's 8 years back in the U.K. and he is threatening to go back to the US, I've been trying to do a degree to give myself some confidence but he has been working on our children (13 & 15) and they say they want to live with him, I can't tell you how utterly devastating this is for me, he knew he would leave me eventually to go back and I'm 50 no job, no home ( we rent) and no where to go... I want to separate but I've no job to enable me to even find a home with the children and he won't leave our current home, I'm so sorry for waffling but I just don't know where to turn, I apologise if I've taken over someone's post I'm very new to mums net xx

I'm stuck in lockdown with STBEx. He drinks & has NPD, is emotionally abusive. Its awful. House had been valued 2 weeks before lockdown and I'd been looking at properties to move to. I should've have been out of here, just did not happen quick enough. I look forward to things to come & happier times ahead, there must be a silver lining somewhere, I just need to keep looking. Stay safe all.

Can I have a bit of a whinge? And maybe a handhold?
H refuses to accept it's over. Refuses to accept I have any agency here. Thinks I just need to go on anti depressants and stick on a smile. Won't agree to let me have time alone with DC, although I try to give him time with them. Won't see that his lack of cooperation is making it worse for everyone.
We're trying to shield the children from the arguments, but they are listening behind the door while we argue.
I feel sick in his presence, but he can't see there's a problem. We need to make some important decisions, not particularly related to splitting up, and we can't because we can't discuss anything amicably.
Don't know what to do.

I’m so happy to have found this thread and to realise I’m not the only one going through this. DH told me he was leaving me on the first day of the lockdown but then hasn’t actually gone anywhere! We have two very young kids and I’m stuck in the house with him and it’s the most challenging time of my life. Our second DS was only born a few months ago. I moved out to my mums with the kids for a few weeks to get some space but can’t stay there forever so had to come back, plus DH wasn’t s able to see kids whilst we were there due to lockdown. His behaviour towards me has changed and it’s a form of emotional torture now. I am desperately unhappy but can’t face sharing the kids and am finding it extremely hard to cope when I can’t go and see friends and family for support. Please help, will this get any better?

@Summerladybird, sorry to hear what you are going through. Two thoughts to hold onto, you are not alone and it will get better.

The lockdown will end, I don't know when, but it has to end sometime, and even whilst it's ongoing, solicitors are still working even though they have to work from home, and they are still taking on new cases. If you are able to get a few minutes to yourself, not easy I'm sure with two little ones and H, but if you can then maybe email a local solicitor or two. See if you can talk to someone, see if there is a possibility of a half-hour phone consultation or just an exchange of emails to get more information and find out where you stand.

Something I think I first heard on one of these forums. 'It'll be alright in the end, if it's not alright, then it's not the end.'

Good luck, and if you need support then hang around here, there are a few people in a similar position, right at the start of the separation/divorce process when the lockdown struck and put everyone's plans on hold.

@Zalen Thankyou, you don’t know how much I needed to hear this right now and just for someone to have replied to me. I appreciate it. I can’t wait for the day that it is alright

@neomneomneom just wondering how you and others are getting on?
I and DH decided to split at the start of April, I've gone over the decision so many times and keep overthinking it. I know it's the right thing to do but it's do hard. I've driven it, he would want to keep trying but more out of fear, losing the house, losing the family as we have it now than anything else I think. We are now more friends than anything else, but he's still drinking heavily, procrastinating about making any decisions and leaving me to push things forward. At times its easy, it feels very simple that I'm making the right choice, but at other times I just feel like the worst person ever and that I'm hurting him and everyone else for my own happiness.
Also, he's now being husband of the year after 10 years of really not bothering.. Life is easy ish as I work from home so don't have the commute or the stress of a full day at work, although I'm still stressed. On the surface it's all fine. But then I try to picture my life carrying on like this as nd I just feel do horribly sad and trapped.
I think he's going to move out as practically it wouldn't work him being here with the children and it's less upheaval for them but every step towards him moving out is just horrible for him, my guilt is through the roof as I've always been so responsible for him and have had to take charge, without me he doesn't have a social life, doesn't really interact with the kids... I just feel like I'm at the start of an uphill struggle before we can all be content.

@Stegasaurusmum - aside from the drinking I could have written your post word for word! I'm in a similar situation in that we are rubbing along and life is ok but the thought of life being like this forever fills me with horror.
Im quietly getting things ready- sorting out pensions, doing the finances, sorting out possessions and de-cluttering. Until today he refused to engage, but then suddenly he's joining in.
I'm working quite hard with my job - he has spent the day reading in the garden. I also made dinner as I couldn't be bothered to instruct him whilst he did it...
It's a slog. A marathon even...

Thanks for replying @neomneomneom

Yes, to be fair the drinking was always part of our relationship, and now I realise in the last few years probably his depression. He's finally getting help, I'm hoping the counselling might help him with the drinking.
I realised that after several talks when the only good in depth talks we've had are when he's been drinking heavily, that also the fun, funny and warm person I'm missing is also only around with the drink.
I've remortgaged the house in our names and done all the paperwork, means we are tied in for 2 years but much cheaper rate, freeing enough for him to get a rental.
I still feel so much guilt, but it's a useless emotion really, I can't keep spending time on it.
I'm just hoping now he's started looking for somewhere to live, he's made noises about it but hasn't looked yet. I'm going to give it 2 more weeks then if he's still not looked I'll start looking for him, which he's said I can do.
Gmfeel like we might be moving out of limbo, but just so many difficult conversations to have now. I need to try to get my parents alone so I can tell them, not going to be easy.
He's got yo tell his mum, she will be horrible about it, no doubt. Only saving grace is she's in Ireland... So not likely to have to see her for a while 😁
I'm just increasingly worried about DH. He barely eats, drinks, I know isn't sleeping...
But then I try yo remind myself that I spent months feeling like that, from November right through to when I'd made my decision enough was enough in March.
He never once expressed kindness or concern, he ignored me when I asked for help or told him I was depressed.
I'm having to put up a wall but I suppose I've been doing that for years really.
I think there's more of us than we realise in this situation, staying when everything is just OK enough, weighing up the pros and cons to decide its just enough to stay.
Practically, logically, I shouldn't have ended it, I should have carried on, probably not miserable all the time, but just happy enough. I think what would have happened is that resentment and anger would have bubbled up, my children would have had a really poor example of what a marriage is, not unlike what I saw growing up.
It's bloody hard but it's better in the long run. I think it's important to know where things went wrong so you can move on and not make the same mistakes again but also just accept that it's for the best I guess.