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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Devastated and feeling lost

34 replies

Bartcat1981 · 27/02/2020 05:35

Hi.

I never thought for a single second i would ever be posting here...

I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and married for 7. We have a little boy who is about to turn 4. I’m a stay at home mum and he has a high pressured job in London. I’ve never in my entire relationship felt insecure or unloved. My husband is a family man who I could rely on entirely...until Christmas.

I noticed he had become moody and distant so we spoke about it and he was honest enough to tell me he was struggling. We have little to no support network here and were spending no time together as a couple. He said he missed the old me and I was always putting our child first leaving him feeling pushed out. We were also not having a physical relationship as I lost my libido after the birth of my child and due to issues with my health.

I committed to working on our relationship and started to book in childcare so we could spend time together. I also decided it was time to give myself to my husband again and began what became a very active sex life again. I finally felt like we were getting somewhere.

Then the mood changes occurs again about 3 weeks ago. Every time I spoke to him I was reassured that it was ok, he just needed to get his head together. I said that I wasn’t sure he was in love with me anymore but again he told me he wanted to grow old together.

Then we come to Monday of this week..,he gets back from a trip away and pretty much ignores me. I challenge him on it and he breaks down. Turns out he isn’t in love with me anymore and hasn’t been for some time. He’s Ben lying to himself in a bid to desperately reconnect with me. He feels we are too broken to fix.

So bags are packed and off he goes...

Now I’m left with my son in our house with all the memories. I honestly feel like someone has died. I feel completely and utterly lost. The pain is immeasurable. My sister has come to stay with me so I’m not alone but I’m terrified of the idea of her leaving and me being here alone.

I don’t even really know what the point of this post is but I felt I just had to let it out and be around others who know what I’m going through x

OP posts:
Mintlegs · 27/02/2020 05:40

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take one day at a time, you will be in shock initially but it’s so important to protect you and your child financially. Have a look through any paperwork. Take copies. His behaviour sounds suspicious. X

Original poster
Bartcat1981 · 27/02/2020 05:58

Thanks for the reply @mintlegs. Thankfully he’s playing fair with finances. I’m staying in the house and he’s said he’s going to continue to pay the mortgage and my allowance, along with putting money into our joint account for bills. He’s told me to take my time getting back on my feet before stressing about financial independence. My sons starts full time school in September so I’d planned to wait until then. I know he was beginning to feel the strain of having to support everyone financially as his mum also depends on him for money.

I’ve asked him many times if anyone else is involved, not necessarily even physically but perhaps an emotional affair. He’s adamant there isn’t. He’s sworn on my sons life there isn’t anyone else. He turns 40 this year and I was thinking perhaps some kind of midlife crisis as he’s been expressing sadness and anger relating to his dads death a few years ago and his mum moved on very quickly into a new relationship.

I guess I have to believe what he says. In my heart I don’t feel he’s cheated but I guess I’ll never really know. He just says that he loves me, he doesn’t want to make me unhappy (I’ve been massively unhappy and insecure due to these chats) but he can’t just be married to his best friend. He wants to have that connection we used to have but we’ve both changed so much.

X

OP posts:
FeeFee832 · 27/02/2020 06:08

How sad Sad

You go through ups and downs and relationships/marriages do change. He needs to work on it and rekindle the fire. Maybe a brief spell away and he could come back?! Could you discuss an open marriage?!

Sorry op, that's awful. My heart ached reading your post.

Candace19 · 27/02/2020 06:10

I think he's a fool to throw it all away. I'm sorry to say that my ex also swore on our DD's life and he was sleeping with someone else. I hope your husband isn't and I hope he sees sense and returns. Thanks

Mintlegs · 27/02/2020 06:12

I am sure he appears to mean well. He says he will pay the mortgage etc and that’s great, for now. Make sure you have some financials information (just in case). He would not be the first husband to suddenly change tack. His behaviour already must have been a shock so don’t discount anything. Focus on yourself if you can rather than him. If you can confide in someone in RL for support that would be good x

Biotite · 27/02/2020 06:16

I agree that you should get copies of financial documents, just in case. He may well be generous at the moment. Doesn't mean that will continue. If he was feeling the financial strain of paying for your household and helping his Mum that's only going to get worse if he's staying elsewhere. Where is he staying?

FeeFee832 · 27/02/2020 06:29

Can you get this in writing - even on email etc?!

FeeFee832 · 27/02/2020 06:29

The commitment to financials *

Original poster
Bartcat1981 · 27/02/2020 10:36

I’ve asked him if he will come and see someone with me to try and talk it through but he doesn’t believe it will make any difference. He’s said that until he can be happy in himself again, he’s incapable of making anyone else happy. I’m definitely going to look into seeking some financial advise once I’m feeling a bit stronger. I hope he won’t screw me over, but like you say it’s not guaranteed....after all I never thought he’d would blow his own family to pieces.

I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with myself. I’ve managed to get my son to school but that’s my limit. Even he’s now starting to display testing behaviour which makes it all harder. He’s just a little boy who’s scared and confused as much as I am. I just can’t ever foresee a time this will ever feel ok.

OP posts:
RupaulsHagface · 27/02/2020 16:42

Ok I am a week on from the same issues, but I found an email that showed by STBX was about to or was meeting up with someone else.

I haven't loved for years blah blah, also 39, about to be 40 like yours.

It's going to rough, I cried solidly for 4 days, was reasonable and met him to sort finances and wen ok, day 6 all change, treating me like crap, feeding kids kids of crap.

I have now booked to speak with a solicitor, and he is refusing to engage, has started saying I am mental although for over 20 years he was loving and kind.

We are worth better, you will get through this x

Original poster
Bartcat1981 · 27/02/2020 16:58

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing RupaulsHagface. That must have been awful to find that email. Talk about the perfect age for a damn midlife crisis, all a bit cringe really!

I’m so angry today (hooray, next phase!) which has helped a bit. I feel so cheated out of what should have been a safe and secure future for us all. Pisses me off that he’s out there living his regular life as I deal with the fallout at home and his child crying over his daddy. Grrr.

Sorry to hear your ex has behaved badly towards you and your kids. That’s not fair at all. It’s great you’ve found the strength to seek legal advice, I’ll be sure to do the same thing. After all if he can screw me over by ruining what I dreamt my future would be then he can sure as hell screw me over financially in future.

Thanks for reaching out, it’s a comfort to speak to others who understand what I’m going through xx

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 27/02/2020 17:22

Don't depend on his promises of financial support. At the moment, that is his guilt talking, but it will soon change.
Be prepared to discover an OW, as it sounds as though he has checked out of your relationship some time ago.

Gather together as much financial information as you can, especially pensions & savings & investments. Don't agree to any settlements or divisions without legal/ financial advice. Forget that he was your friend and soulmate, because he has already forgotten that.

Don't go along the mid life crisis path of excuses for him, be prepared for him to start blaming you for his own reprehensible actions. Take care of yourself, it is all horrific to get through, but you will. You'll probably find that you experience spirals of ever changing emotions as you deal with the grief of loss, sadly it isn't a smooth road.
Thanks Thanks Thanks

DreemOn · 27/02/2020 19:03

What a horrible situation OP. I hope you get lots of RL support.
What has you husband said about seeing his son?

Original poster
Bartcat1981 · 29/02/2020 10:07

So today is the first day that my son has gone with his daddy. I managed to stay strong and waved him off with a big smile. He was so happy to see his daddy....I hope he bombards him with questions the entire day like he does to me!

We spoke yesterday on the phone and I’ve asked if he will consider working on the marriage whilst still continuing to live apart. I’ve said we both need to sort ourselves out and become happy in ourselves but if he’s willing to, why not spend some time trying to see if we can get back to what we had with no promises. He’s basically said he wants to try but first he needs to be alone and work on himself before he can even begin to think about trying to work on anything else. Now I don’t see how that can possibly work...if he can get happy without working in the marriage that surely would imply he’s happy without a marriage?!

So I guess I just leave him to get on with it and just focus on myself. I don’t see that there’s anything else I can do. I just cannot believe he would just shut the door and completely give up on everything.

I may be proven completely wrong but I do think he’s being honest when he says theee is nobody else. X

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 29/02/2020 10:18

I hope you are right and there's no OW but 9 times out of 10 there is.
His guilt will make him support you financially for now but shortly it will fade and he will feel entitled to this money to feed his new lifestyle.
Be watchful
Gather all financial data you can
Bank accounts
Savings
Investments
Pensions
I get the feeling this man won't be coming back.
Stay strong and well

PointlessAddict · 29/02/2020 10:21

I’m so sorry x

I agree he’s more than likely cheating though so brace yourself for that

Original poster
Bartcat1981 · 29/02/2020 10:45

Do I take it the majority of ladies on here had cheating spouses? Has anyone’s husband left without cheating?

I just don’t know when he would even have had the opportunity. He goes to work and comes home to his family.

OP posts:
wesdxc12 · 29/02/2020 13:54

Then we come to Monday of this week..,he gets back from a trip away and pretty much ignores me.

I'm so sorry, but this is text book affair. I'd place money on that trip being with OW. I've been there, right down to the ignoring after a trip away, and then breaking down. I know you won't want to believe it, and yes, he will deny it (in the words of my ex, 'of course I lied to you.... I was having an affair.... what did you expect me to do?')

Best thing you can do is start living your best life, without him. He'll either get jumpy over how little you are missing him and come crawling back (by which point you may not want him back). Or he will be relieved, and you can both move on quickly. Either way, it speeds up the tortuous process you are currently going through.

My lawyer advised me to file for divorce quickly, while he is still feeling guilty and will agree to a good settlement. If you leave it too long the guilt will wear off and the arguing over assets may begin.

Remember he is no longer on your side.

MarieG10 · 29/02/2020 15:18

I've had a few friends/acquaintances whose husbands had a version of that text. Only one of them didn't have another women hidden away. The last one genuinely didn't and I'm glad as she was desperate to blame their marriage state on a OW when it was largely her fault

PointlessAddict · 29/02/2020 16:34

I’ve not had personal experience but I’ve been around a long time and without exception everyone I know who’s partner has walked out and spun them a line has had an OW tucked away.

Not saying your husband definitely does of course but I don’t think it’s that common for men to walk out and leave all their home comforts unless they’re getting something elsewhere.

Mumof3withtwins · 01/03/2020 18:38

My ex just ran off to another country and we have 3 children under 10 after I filed for finance and child arrangements. These 'men' are not really men. You are worth so much more, divorce him and take what you need, you will be happier and so will your little boy

Original poster
Bartcat1981 · 04/03/2020 22:30

You were all right.....he’s been having an affair with a girl from his work.

OP posts:
PointlessAddict · 04/03/2020 22:31

Sorry to hear this x

Original poster
Bartcat1981 · 04/03/2020 22:36

Such a stereotypical affair as well! Apparently I should be grateful as it’s not a physical affair! He’s even been taking her on dates this week whilst I’ve been drowning in tears and consoling my son. Disgusting human being and she’s just as bad. If it wouldn’t harm my child’s future financial security I’d inform his work about it as it’s strictly against the rules.

OP posts:
oatmilk4breakfast · 04/03/2020 22:39

Oh god I’m so sorry, what is it with these guys? Hope you’ve got your sister with you tonight. 🌷