Devastated and feeling lost

[Bartcat1981]

Hi.

I never thought for a single second i would ever be posting here...

I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and married for 7. We have a little boy who is about to turn 4. I’m a stay at home mum and he has a high pressured job in London. I’ve never in my entire relationship felt insecure or unloved. My husband is a family man who I could rely on entirely...until Christmas.

I noticed he had become moody and distant so we spoke about it and he was honest enough to tell me he was struggling. We have little to no support network here and were spending no time together as a couple. He said he missed the old me and I was always putting our child first leaving him feeling pushed out. We were also not having a physical relationship as I lost my libido after the birth of my child and due to issues with my health.

I committed to working on our relationship and started to book in childcare so we could spend time together. I also decided it was time to give myself to my husband again and began what became a very active sex life again. I finally felt like we were getting somewhere.

Then the mood changes occurs again about 3 weeks ago. Every time I spoke to him I was reassured that it was ok, he just needed to get his head together. I said that I wasn’t sure he was in love with me anymore but again he told me he wanted to grow old together.

Then we come to Monday of this week..,he gets back from a trip away and pretty much ignores me. I challenge him on it and he breaks down. Turns out he isn’t in love with me anymore and hasn’t been for some time. He’s Ben lying to himself in a bid to desperately reconnect with me. He feels we are too broken to fix.

So bags are packed and off he goes...

Now I’m left with my son in our house with all the memories. I honestly feel like someone has died. I feel completely and utterly lost. The pain is immeasurable. My sister has come to stay with me so I’m not alone but I’m terrified of the idea of her leaving and me being here alone.

I don’t even really know what the point of this post is but I felt I just had to let it out and be around others who know what I’m going through x

She had gone home but she’s just driven 150 miles to be with me. She’s such a superstar xxx

I’m so sorry to hear that. Do you want to say how you found out?

So I think I said before that he left his laptop here. It was connected to the ICloud and he had photos of her which must have been on his phone that then uploaded to the cloud. That and a screenshot of a dinner reservation for 2 when he stayed away that night and told me it was for a team dinner....

In my case it was a fiancé not a husband but that is pretty much how it played out for us too. Except she was the mother of our godson and my friend not a work colleague. My advice is get the divorce done quickly while he is still feeling guilty. Otherwise, as a pp said, it will turn into petty squabbling over assets. I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

I'm so sorry. It hurts like hell, but you will get through this.

Please prepare yourself for the fact he won't have told you the full story. He will have told you the least he thinks he can get away with. If he went away for a night with her, he'll have slept with her. Better to accept that now. The next few months are going to be hard, as the truth comes out in dribs and drabs, and you start piecing things together.

Tell close friends and family, and allow them to support you.

Ask around for recommendations for a shit hot lawyer and push ahead with the divorce while he is still feeling guilty.
Get an appointment at the GUM clinic for an STD test. Sorry to be blunt, but you need to look after your health.

Already I’m finding out more and more. It’s gone from how it’s just been an emotional affair to the fact they’ve been kissing. You know why sod them, that was all I needed to hear. I’ve actually been able to talk to her about it....called her all the names under the sun, told her to get some respect for herself. Most importantly I’ve told her to stay away from my son and if I find out she’s trying to play happy families with him, I’ll make life very difficult for her.

I’m holding off on divorce as apparently he can’t make me leave the house until divorce is finalised and as his names the only one on the mortgage I’m living here rent free. I’m going to try and enjoy that perk for as long as I can!

Thankfully we’ve always used condoms as the pill doesn’t agree with me so I’m less likely to have anything dodgy from his dirty dalliances.

It’s all just so hurtful though. I’ve no idea who this man is cause he’s not my husband xx

@Bartcat1981 How are you today? I'm so sorry to read this but at least you can now draw a line under it. Pretty much the exact same thing happened to me - he swore blind he wasn't having an affair but then went on a conference, came back and upon questioning admitted to adultery- and I just today received my divorce petition from him! Even though he had the affair (and still is). He seems to have checked out a while ago whilst I was concentrating on our kids and family and is justifying his actions by painting me as an uncommunicative and unemotional person - I didn't massage his ego hard enough it seems... I am trying my best to stay amicable for the kids' sake and I honestly do want him to be happy but I somehow doubt this will all play out as he envisages. My kids are my top priority - he never took an interest - but now it's very clear to me - even suggested that his weekend every fortnight would run from Sat am to Sun pm - ummm, no that's a Friday evening collection my dear STBX ffs!! And with regard the OW - I agree it's so hard not to blame her but blatantly they were giving signals/looking for attention etc. "If a woman can take your man she's doing you a favour". Stay strong and get some legal advice x you are not alone.

I’m sorry to hear that karma, that’s a low blow. My husband is still seeing his mistress too. Apparently I pushed him away by suffocating him loving him too much! God to be loved so much you feel suffocated! I’d pay for someone to feel that way about me!

How they expect us to be amicable when they’ve destroyed our life as we know it, is absolutely beyond the realms of understanding. I’m behaving for my sons sake but he should never mistake that for anything else.

We are just doing day visits at the minute with a view to one night a week at Daddy’s house. My baby is such a mummy’s boy that it’s going to take a while for him to feel comfortable sleeping without me I think. Dreading the day daddy wants him for holidays etc as we’ve never gone more than a night apart from each other.

I’m glad I said my piece to the OW, if even 1% of what I said made her feel bad then my work here is done. They will soon tire of each other when it’s not all sexiness and sneaking around. A younger woman trying to have a relationship with an older man with baggage is never destined to last. Plus he’s a moody, stubborn and argumentative b@stard.

I’m sorry you are hurting so much, you are bound to go through a range of emotions

It’s very early days so feelings and emotions will change.

It’s really difficult to see at this point but getting to a point of civil, if not amicable, is best for your son in the long term

Take care of yourself. You should see a solicitor to understand where you stand and to help you start thinking longer term too