Older children - financial support

[Secretsout]

Could anybody share their stories if they have been successful in securing financial support for older children (18+) for university education and associated costs from their EXH?

To complicate things a little, we are all (me and kids) NC with him due to his controlling behaviour (he's a horrible nasty narc). Children are NC through their own choice as he behaves the same way with them. He has been told not to contact me unless through his solicitor and I am not able to negotiate with him directly as past experiences has shown that he will offer then change his mind the next day.

EXH is a high earner c.£200k (I earn £35k) and I'm struggling financially with providing financial support to the eldest who started this year, youngest will go next year. Court ordered maintenance has now ended for eldest.

my ex paid voluntarily the same amount until he was emplyed, he then lost his job and stopped payments altogether

and I am managing but it's tight

it is really horrible of him with good salary not to support his child, Ifeel for you and your kids must be heartbroken

I know fere. It's so sad. And all they can see is their dad is very wealthy and doesn't want to help. They wouldn't want much - considerably less than the CM payment we agreed but it would help them and wouldn't be anything to do with me just direct to them. But he has history of changing his mind on a regular basis so they'd probably be nervous anyway in case they relied on any money and he's decided not to send it.

Get legal advice about the likely success of an application under Schedule 1 of the Children Act

We agreed to support the kids until they finished university and beyond privately. Not sure the court will order it but it's worth trying

Thank you for the replies. I contacted a solicitor to try and get a free consultation but they spoke to me on the phone instead.

The upshot is that it's tough s**t. Once they are 18 it's entirely voluntary for a parent to support their kids and they don't see how I can pursue this. They did suggest either myself or daughter ask him directly but he's not the reasonable type and it's not worth the hassle of trying to enter into communication with him.

So a word of warning people....make sure you don't rely on your EX being reasonable post divorce and make sure you have a solicitor in the first case, recommends you secure financial support through uni for your kids (mine never even brought it up as a possibility)

It’s not voluntary for parents to support their kids in full time education in either England or Scotland (although you may not get it paid to you anymore- rather directly to child). Where are you op?

I don't know the age of your kids. But I am a child of a similar situation. Father earns circa £500k. Mother, until she retired was on about £25k.

My brothers are both NC and as a result don't want anything from my dad. One of them resents the fact my dad helped him with an internship at 17.

I would ask your children what they want. It's likely they would choose not to accept anything from him.

I chose to keep in contact with my dad, in part because my husbands father died in his sixties.

I accepted financial help to purchase my first home. One of my brothers did it without help and the other is in rented (happily).

Thank you everyone. I'm in England and the kids are 19 and 17. 19 year old in first year of uni and 17 year old in final year of A levels. 17 year old receives maintenance until 19. Maintenance stopped for eldest when they turned 19.

University is classed as higher voluntary education. It isn't a lawfully required education for your child so there is no law to make your ex financially provide towards university.

I'd suggest a private agreement suggested through lawyers. But be prepared he has every legal right to say no.

I haven't had any maintenance from exh since ds was 12, I only got £5 a week as exh is on benefits but since child maintenance swapped CSA to CMS, exh said he would pay direct but I haven't seen a penny & he refuses to engage with CMS. Have given up asking & ds knows his dad doesn't pay now. I can afford to manage but am angry that exh gets away with it.

My ex refuses to pay towards my uni age child and won’t help the younger one at that stage either. I had to pay him a large settlement - 55% of assets - and I support both of them single handed. The amount they can borrow for maintenance is based on household income. I have to help if I want my kids to get a uni education and I do. He is an a*hole. He has the money but chooses not to help.

Have you ever put yourself in your ex husbands shoes when he isn't part of his children's lives? Have you tried building bridges? Maybe if he has a good relationship with his children and he is involved in there lives he will be more supportive ???

My ex has made no attempt to build bridges with his kids! Just pushed off. I hope I would never ever abandon them like that.

But when 18+ they are adults and can fend for themselves. Why should the ex help out?

@thebusdriver I disagree. The amount available for young people to borrow for maintenance at university is such that the government expects a parental contribution. That come from me. All of it. But my kids have two parents. One of them received 55% of joint assets and pays not one penny towards his uni age child. If we had stayed married he would have contributed but it was his abuse of my children that meant I had to ask him to leave. In the holidays my DS comes home to live with me because this is the family home and he is welcome to stay until he can afford a home of his own.

The days when people booted out their kids at 16 or 18 are long gone. A divorce does not mean the children no longer exist! My DS is at a very good uni. He has earned some money during his studies but not enough to live on entirely.

Dads should put on their “big boy pants” and realise they are still responsible for their offspring! I will always help my children, whatever age, while encouraging independence.

But my ex will tell you exactly the same story " No effort was made to be part of the childs life after our divorce " but in my case it's absolutely 100% lies. I'm now backing off for the sake of my daughter who is 14 and just being used but obviously she is to young to understand

Well I’m not lying. My kids have their own phones and he has their numbers. They are old enough to make up their own minds. But I don’t know how a dad keeps contact with a daughter when he has told her she should have been aborted or adopted. Sometimes MEN are the liars!!!

The students will be receiving loans based on household income, presumably the mothers of £35k. The parental contribution would be lower compared to that if assessed on the fathers income. But contribution from their father would be a welcome addition. However it’s not enforceable.

If they have chosen to cut him out, they can’t truly expect or want financial support. It’s not really how life works and is hardly an unintended consequence. If you tell someone you don’t want anything to do with them, don’t expect cash gifts. It’s not something you would want to do with a controlling narc anyway.

It’s not enforceable but it’s not morally right to give up on your kids. If life is not about helping your kids then what is it about?

Surely the kids have to have some kind of relationship with their father?

If everyone has decided he is persona non grata, perhaps that partially explains why he's reluctant to fund anyone?

I don't discount your opinion of him at all, and consider it likely true, but clearly relationships have completely broken down here and leaving morality aside for a minute, from a realism perspective, this doesn't sound likely to be resolved without the children engaging at some level with their father.

Why should they engage with an abuser? And why shouldn’t he support his children? They didn’t disappear in a puff of smoke when he left the household. We can manage without him but this isn’t right or fair. The law should be changed and undergraduate students should get support form BOTH parents.

My ex prefers to spend the money on booze and hookers.

Children are NOT pay per view. That’s why the CMS exists. Many men - and it is men in particular - seem to be happy to push off and leave their kids unsupported.

There is an anomaly in the funding of university students and the law should cover it.

When my ex was pretending to be a devoted dad he was just as keen for his son to go to uni. As soon as he left his view was “you are 18 now, so I don’t have to pay”. He also took cash saved as a uni fund. Totally morally reprehensible.

But you go on thinking mums are lying.....

Cats,

An adult child who wants nothing to do with his father cannot be expected to be supported, it really is as simple as that. Children may not be ‘pay per view’ but adults are.

A kind father might support their child anyway but it is not an obligation. At some point adults need to take responsibility for their relationships, including with their parents.

What do you think should happen if your child stays on to do a masters or a PHD, perpetual support?

Many children do manage uni without parental support. although admittedly it is hard.

It sounds like you received a decent settlement out of which you can comfortably afford to help your children and you just feel it is ‘unfair’. If your story of the abusive useless father is true then you will gain the love and affection of your children into old age (and maybe even financial support should you need it). Your ex will be old and lonely.

I am always sceptical, however, about children going no contact with ‘abusive’ fathers. I often think resentful mothers have also played their part, although each story is individual. The reality is, on a forum, we only ever hear one side.

@larrygrylls no I didn’t receive a decent settlement. He got 55% while I support the children. Is that fair? He took my savings and savings for uni costs. My children know the truth of the matter and we are a close-knit unit.

PhD students have different funding arrangements. It’s not a gift to provide living costs for a uni student, it’s an obligation. Fortunately I have a job and I am wholeheartedly committed to my children.

@larrygrylls I find most middle class parents see it the same way as me. I was fortunate to have support from my parents at uni and I am paying forward the favour.

My ex was extremely lucky to get a full grant when he was at uni. Yet not a penny for his kids.