I fee like I am losing my mind

[clpsmum]

Stbxh and I have been separated and living apart 27 months. I know in my heart that what he is doing is emotional abuse and gaslighting but keep doubting myself and feeling like I am making it all up. I really do fee like I am a nervous wreck and at the end of my tether. I am walking on eggshells with him all the time and constantly anxious and just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Whatever I say and do he twists it around to me being a horrible person and not caring about anybody but myself. I love my 3DC more than anything in the world but he is actually starting to convince me that I am a terrible mum and just selfish. I really don't think I am and certainly try my hardest not to be but am staying to wonder.

I'm sorry if this posts doesn't make much sense. I'm not even sure what I want anybody to say I guess I just wanted to write it down and get it off my chest! Thank you if you've read this and sorry if you think I'm just moaning!

This is classic emotional abuse. Put you down and ideally get the kids to believe it too. Had 20 years of it. Both kids believe I am mentally ill, ds18 barely speaks. Dd14 has her own problems and does but barely and regularly seems to open her mouth but his words come out. Can't help much but say you are not alone.🤗💐

Where are you in the divorce process? Get it done, have minimal contact and ignore unless specifically about the children

Doveorce proceedings haven't even started yet 😩 I'm at solicitors on Thursday to try and get the ball rolling. He's ignored all solicitors letter so far so can't imagine he'll be signing divorce papers without a fight

Divorce! Not sure how I managed such an epic typo lol

This is a classic control issue. You need to cut off all unnecessary contact. Keep all his communications for evidence, no phone calls or texts unless it’s urgent matters with the children. Keep it short. Only respond to necessary stuff and ignore the abusive stuff. For example: “I took the children to the dentist and they have horrible teeth. This is all your fault and you’re a terrible mother and you suck and should be ashamed of yourself.”
Response: “Noted. I’ll contact the dentist myself for a professional opinion as far as their teeth are concerned”
This is super hard but very common and you are not alone and not losing your mind. I hope you have some good friends you can vent to.

File for divorce, then he has to respond.

He's now changed tactic and telling me how much he loves me and can't live without me. This is all until the next time he needs an emotional punchbag

Sounds like my ex. Makes you feel selfish because actually they want to draw attention from the fact that it is actually he who is the selfish one. The whole hate you-love you-hate you again is also typical of borderline personality disorder, black and white thinking. He wants you to be a nervous wreck so he can exert power and control over you.

And, by the way, my ex did this A LOT. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive and then started to also to be physically abusive when he realised I’d had enough. So my advice is get the divorce started now. Don’t put it off any longer and don’t wait for him to call the shots. He probably will make it difficult for you and your situation may get worse, but it’s still better than being married to him! My ex has made my life an utter living hell trying to separate from him, and we weren’t even married! But there’s only so much time you can draw things out for and you will feel better once it’s done and over. Don’t doubt yourself - that’s his gaslighting achieving what he wants it to achieve.

Normal people don’t go around making other people feel bad - it is he who has problems, not you. When someone treats you badly it is because there is something wrong with them. This man will f**k your children up if he is allowed to carry on. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, and you are definitely not alone. X

The hot-cold is classic. Get the hell away. Fast.

It is infuriating and crazy-making, but over time it will get better — please don’t lose faith. I’m nearly two years along now and I’m just reminding myself every day to live by example, be true to myself and to trust that my consistent actions with my DC will eventually outweigh all the badmouthing and slurs about my character (I’m selfish, I’m crazy; I’m a bad mother; I only care about myself—as evidenced by having the audacity to leave him)

You are not alone. The only way out is through. Time is honestly a healer—he won’t magically stop being an emotionally abusive twat, but his ability to affect you will diminish over time.

@ChocAuVin I'm actually almost two and half years down the line and the behaviour is getting worse tbh. He went on to the most abusive nasty rant at me because I had the audacity to ask what time he would be bringing the children home. I'm trying to put ground rules in place and he is saying how unreasonable selfish and nasty I am and although in my head I know I'm not he is making me question myself. I can't believe I am still in this situation with him tbh. The kids come home from his and the are in the most foul moods. My eldest son has started making excuses for him and minimising his behaviour

Same. I have to reboot the kids after they’ve been over and as much as I have tried to keep our adult disagreements from the kids, I have had to put my foot down with them.

I am doing no contact with him now except for absolutely essential comms.somif he texts about something, I don’t reply unless it’s urgent and to do with the kids. In the past five days he has tried contact three times. Failing that, he then called DC on their phone and asked all the questions about half term. Fair enough but some of them were about me specifically so I got annoyed. Then my DC broke down in tears and said I make it feel like he’s a bad person and he’s only trying to make sure they’re ok and I shouldn’t get annoyed. I apologised but explained quite clearly that we had to have some boundaries and gave DC three very recent examples of where an innocent chat then turned into an angry email from him making the wrong assumptions. It was HARD having this chat and making sure it was constructive and it breaks my heart.

He is also very quiet about his new woman which is unusual - trouble at mill?! Not the first time he’s reacted by then trying to get invoked in my life.

It’s so refreshing to read these messages, I’m going through something similar and I too, got to a point where I was believing what he was saying. We have been to child arrangement court and we now share the children 50/50 because, as he told my solicitor, he didn’t want to pay me child maintenance. Now he’s contstantly sending me messages telling me how bad a mum I am. He told me he’s going to take me back to family court, to get the kids taken off of me. I know one thing, I’m a good mum and he’s trying to punish me for leaving him.

@Meeeh @DaniChurch I am so sorry that you are both going through this too. It's horrible isn't it. The fact that we actually question our own sanity because of their manipulative behaviour is awful. It's ridiculous but I actually get so jealous of people that have amicable splits. I fee like every time my phone goes I'm anxious as to what's going to be said and you can guarantee the closer it gets to the weekend and him having the kids overnight the more anxious I get. I wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel

@Meeeh omg snap! My stbxh does that too says I'm making him fee like a bad parent whenever I do something to question him. I sent a solicitors letter setting out dates and times we would both see DC over Christmas holidays and totally ignored it because it made him feel like a bad parent.

@DaniChurch @Meeeh you both sound like wonderful mums and strong ladies. I am proud of you both for coping with this shit situation and still being brilliant parents

@clpsmum I don’t get jealous but do I feel sad and embarrassed when people are able to have an amicable split. My new bf has a wonderful relationship with his ex and there is never any drama.

I guess if I can’t change the situation, I can try to change the way I feel about it.

I get the embarrassed thing. I’ve found that it can mess up your new relationships - I’ve tried not discussing my ex at all, but then questions get raised as to why the children don’t spend alternate weekends with their dad like most other separated/ divorced parents. Then you are viewed with suspicion, so have to explain. Then new man inevitably thinks ‘I didn’t sign up for this...’.

Or if you are totally honest, you are put in the category of a woman with a psycho ex, which I hate because I did not know my ex was a psychopath until it was too late and can do nothing about it now!

It seems that the majority of couples do actually separate amicably. It’s about how (usually one party) deals with rejection.

My counsellor advised me to try a forum for emotional abuse and I’m so glad I did because it’s instantly made me feel optimistic that it’s not just me going through this and @clpsmum 100% get the anxiety when I see I have a message or email from him. I don’t know about you either but when the kids come back from his they come back charged up with such negativity, I don’t know if that’s normal and it’s just them transitioning between homes, but it worries me what is said when they are with him.

@user765 oh your reply makes so much sense you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. If only we knew what we were letting ourselves in for in the beginning

@DaniChurch yes my kids are absolutely full of negativity always aimed at me when they come home. They'd been home twenty minutes on Saturday and I was in tears. I am so sick of feeling like the bad guy all the time when I know I'm not

DaniChurch my ex is only allowed supervised contact now because of this. Each time we go to court his attitude is so negative towards me that Cafcass have said he is emotionally abusive. Before the supervision he had started to try to turn the kids against me, and they are only young. This didn’t turn them against me but made them very upset and they were randomly busting into tears. I think they couldn’t deal with the confusing emotions and were too young to articulate them and definitely too young to understand they were being manipulated and lied to by their father. It really does mess kids up and I think Cafcass are more switched on to it. Even so many of my friends who have divorced parents say how much it messes kids up when parents slag each other off to them.

If I were you I would consider seeking some advice about this. Have you spoken to your children’s school about it? They may be able to offer some advice about what to do about it. Xx

@user765 the children go to an independent school and I find that they don’t have the resources for this or they don’t want to get involved, not sure why, maybe it’s down to money. I do have a meeting planned with the police to go through his messages, as enough is enough. It also looks like we will be going back to child arrangement court over this. How do cafcass get involved the second time around?

OP I have gone through similar , al
Going through it now and it’s the hardest thing when all you want is the best for your dc and to be able to live free of constant turbulence. You are halfway there now. Listen to your voice not his.

@DaniChurch I’ve had someone look at mine so I’d be interested what the police say as it’s my understanding they can’t do much unless threats are being made but I also feel like some of the laws around this is changing.

@DaniChurch that's interesting how did you get on with the police if you don't mind me asking?

I haven’t met with them yet @clpsmum, but will let you know how it goes