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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Tell me straight, am I mad for staying with a serial adulterer with a long time mistress?

56 replies

Motherof2pearls · 16/02/2020 21:42

Tell me straight, am I mad for staying with a serial adulterer with a long time mistress?

Okay, I need frank and straight talking opinions and advice. I have been married for nearly 30 years, most of them good, but the last 10 to 12 years have been seriously marred by my husbands addiction to affairs. He has had two mistresses and the latest one he has had for at least 10 years, with many girlfriends and short affairs at the same time. We no longer have a sex life, our children are aged 19 and 21, so quite grown-up.

He has been an excellent provider, has a very good highly respected job and is a genuinely highly respected man. My family and close friends know what I’ve been going through the past few years and everyone can’t believe I’m still with him. I know it’s an abusive relationship, as sometimes he is so kind and sweet and lovely, which reminds me of the old times.

But he can be cruel and unkind and worst of all he started having his affairs when I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. Thankfully I have recovered and am trying to keep as healthy as I can. But emotionally my journey has been very hard. I have cried many tears, shouted and screamed to no avail. I even met up with the mistress one time and hit and kicked her I was so angry, but it made no difference. In fact it just made me feel absolutely awful and ashamed of myself! The mistress is well aware of the fact that I wanted to save my marriage from the early days onwards, but she didn’t step away if anything it made her cling to my husband even harder. I know I can’t blame the mistress, as it takes 2 to tango, I know…

I’m not young, I’m 59, am I too old to separate and divorce?

I have asked my husband to leave many times but he absolutely refuses to and I have never left because I wanted to be there for the children. But what’s stopping me now? Am I used to being treated as a doormat? Maybe I like being treated as a doormat?

Be as hard as you like, I need to hear it. Thank you.

OP posts:
Bringmethesunshine · 16/02/2020 21:44

Just fucking leave him. You are wasting your life

Sofacat · 16/02/2020 21:44

Are you mad for staying? Hell yes !

EmpressLangClegInChair · 16/02/2020 21:44

You’re not too old at all and you deserve so much better than this abusive bastard.

Get out and get your life back.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2020 21:46

I am cringing for you.

No man is worth this.

BathTangle · 16/02/2020 21:47

You are not too old - you could potentially have another 30+ years of this!! Is that really what you want???

Subtledifference · 16/02/2020 21:47

Yes you're mad for staying, just leave.

nachthexe · 16/02/2020 21:47

Chat to the kids. Come up with a plan so you are comfortable you will still be able to parent in the way you want. Talk to a lawyer. Find out what your finances will look like. Discuss what this means for housing.
Let ‘d’h know that he is welcome to as many other women as he pleases, but that it no longer suits you to stay around keeping house for him.

SeeUNextTuesday · 16/02/2020 21:49

Read your post back. And then think of what you would tell your daughter / friend / relative in same situation. He's treating you like this because you let him. Leave and don't look back.

Butterfingers64 · 16/02/2020 21:51

Of course you are not too old. I am your age, divorced five years ago and currently retraining. I was also married for 30 years to a man who cheated.

You will get a good divorce settlement because of the length of your marriage. Go and see decent divorce lawyer and take some advice. My only regret now is that I did not leaver sooner.

LynetteScavo · 16/02/2020 21:53

Well you don't really have a marriage, do you?

Get a really good divorce lawyer. Your DC are grown and will be fine.

You can't live like this for the rest of your life, and your not to d to find a partner who respects you.

I've probably only said LTB twice before in MN in the 13 years I've been posting, but I honestly think you would be better off if you freed yourself from this toxic relationship.

DPotter · 16/02/2020 21:53

Take a deep breath and decide to leave him. He has treated you appallingly. Frankly if a sister, daughter, cousin or friend of mine had a husband treating her like this - there would have been words with said husband.
First step - book an appointment with a solicitor - ask around your friends for a good one, ie a rottweiler or SHL (Shit hot lawyer) and find out you financial options.

take comfort in the fact that the day you leave, he'll be looking for someone else to fill the 'wife' role and then the 'mistress' role.
Serious question - what do women who hitch up with such men, see in them?

user1471449295 · 16/02/2020 21:54

Yep. Pretty mad. Give yourself a better life. Take the leap. You won’t regret it

Davespecifico · 16/02/2020 21:54

See a really good divorce lawyer. Don’t tell him yet: make your plans first.
Definitely leave him. You’ll have the time of your life once you’re independent.

Ullupullu · 16/02/2020 21:55

Your children will know what is going on and be happier for you taking the initiative to leave.

Cocomobile · 16/02/2020 21:56

I think you will definitely be happier by yourself. And it gives you the chance of finding someone who will appreciate you and not betray you. You deserve so much more. Absolutely think you should leave. You’re strong enough to do it and thrive

Teenangels · 16/02/2020 21:56

I would start by setting up a run away fund... cash back at the supermarket, take cash out at cash points, get enough to rent a house for you and the children, get copies of his pensions, all bank accounts, and copies of P60’s.
Go and see a solicitor without him knowing and then tell him to fuck off to his mistress, you are 60 you could have another 30 years of this, you also know how precious your well being is after your cancer diagnosis.

Your husband is a spineless twat, who thinks that he can do whatever he wants because you have let him.
Get what you deserve and find happiness you deserve it

KTJean · 16/02/2020 21:57

I think you need to speak to a lawyer and find out where you stand legally.

I also think that your confidence must have been badly eroded by the abuse over the years and it would be helpful to talk to a counsellor to, build up your self-esteem, so you can put together a plan for what the rest of your life looks like.

Do you work? Can you provide for yourself? You will obviously get a settlement if you divorce but a steady income and professional company on a day to day basis will also help.

You need to get to a place where you tell him to leave, knowing that you have the way to follow through and make sure that you do separate. He is putting your mental and physical well-being at risk with his behaviour and you deserve better.

Parky04 · 16/02/2020 21:57

Only read the title and the answer is yes!

Brakebackcyclebot · 16/02/2020 21:58

You are not too old! You are too young to waste time on this man.

You have more resources than you know, you are stronger than you think, and you coukd have an AMAZING life of your own.

NeverGuessWho · 16/02/2020 21:59

@Motherof2pearls

You’re definitely not too old to divorce & be happy.

You definitely are mad if you stay with him.

You are worth so much more than this.

I think the fact that this has being going for a decade, means that it’s become your norm now. You are probably no longer shocked at his appalling behaviour, just resigned to it.

Don’t underestimate how much this relationship, this man, this status quo is dragging you down and emotionally draining you. You can’t imagine now, how much better you’ll feel once you’re free of him, you won’t know till you do it - but you will.

How dare he treat you so badly, and all this mental torture along side your battle with cancer Sad.

Please don’t waste any more of your life. See a solicitor ASAP and take him for every penny you can get.

Flowers
Andsbk · 16/02/2020 22:27

I will be scared to leave after so many years. Just ignore him and enjoy your kids and family. Imagine how much stress you will have from the divorce... 🙄

2018anewstart · 17/02/2020 04:15

Definitely not too old. You could live for another 30 years at least! I am so glad I kicked my cheating husband out. It's an empowering feeling knowing you are doing it all alone. I literally love my life now compared to how it was before. Dont get me wrong going through the divorce was really hard but I'm out the other side now. I can do what I want when I want without a whinging liar by my side making me feeling rubbish. I've gone from crying every day to laughing and smiling with my children. You will not regret it..happiness and health are all that's important.

2018anewstart · 17/02/2020 04:18

Ps your husband is not an excellent provider. We value things in terms of money but an excellent provider would have been there to support you emotionally when you were going through a tough time in your life. He is a low life.

stellabelle · 17/02/2020 04:20

I’m not young, I’m 59, am I too old to separate and divorce?

I did the same thing at 54, and the ensuing years have been the best of my life. Just do it, OP.

Winterlife · 17/02/2020 04:36

You will be stuck taking care of him in his seventies or eighties if you don’t leave.

As others have said, put away a nest egg, hire a solicitor to get half of all matrimonial assets, and live your best life.