Tell me straight, am I mad for staying with a serial adulterer with a long time mistress?

[Motherof2pearls]

Tell me straight, am I mad for staying with a serial adulterer with a long time mistress?

Okay, I need frank and straight talking opinions and advice. I have been married for nearly 30 years, most of them good, but the last 10 to 12 years have been seriously marred by my husbands addiction to affairs. He has had two mistresses and the latest one he has had for at least 10 years, with many girlfriends and short affairs at the same time. We no longer have a sex life, our children are aged 19 and 21, so quite grown-up.

He has been an excellent provider, has a very good highly respected job and is a genuinely highly respected man. My family and close friends know what I’ve been going through the past few years and everyone can’t believe I’m still with him. I know it’s an abusive relationship, as sometimes he is so kind and sweet and lovely, which reminds me of the old times.

But he can be cruel and unkind and worst of all he started having his affairs when I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. Thankfully I have recovered and am trying to keep as healthy as I can. But emotionally my journey has been very hard. I have cried many tears, shouted and screamed to no avail. I even met up with the mistress one time and hit and kicked her I was so angry, but it made no difference. In fact it just made me feel absolutely awful and ashamed of myself! The mistress is well aware of the fact that I wanted to save my marriage from the early days onwards, but she didn’t step away if anything it made her cling to my husband even harder. I know I can’t blame the mistress, as it takes 2 to tango, I know…

I’m not young, I’m 59, am I too old to separate and divorce?

I have asked my husband to leave many times but he absolutely refuses to and I have never left because I wanted to be there for the children. But what’s stopping me now? Am I used to being treated as a doormat? Maybe I like being treated as a doormat?

Be as hard as you like, I need to hear it. Thank you.

My step mums has been with her partner since they were about 70. Both widowed. They have had 10 very happy years together and he's a far nicer man than my dad was.

I'd say get the f out of there. Take your time
to find a good lawyer, there's an excellent chap in London if that's doable for you. It sounds like it'll be a relatively high asset divorce. But you are not in a hurry so do it well but do it.

Mad I don't know I'm not qualified to define it.
Just get him gone. For you.

Start your new life now, you'll end up ill because of the stress of your partner.

I’m just 4 years younger than you. I plan to be here at least another 30 years, no way would I waste them with an arse like this!

Life is a precious thing, it’s not a rehearsal, you don’t get a second shot at it. This is all the life you have, go and live it properly !

Get legal advice, get your ducks in a row and file.
His long term mistress is ground for adultery.
Quietly get together documents for you lawyer, statements from bank and pensions and any investments.
Good luck 💐

Yes. You're life is ticking past with you fall over yourself for some guy who treats you like actual shit.

*your

It's entirely up to you

A lot of women used to stay and put up with this

Financially, it might be tough at first until the divorce is finalised - do you have/can you get separate savings to tide you over?

Or you could start having your own affairs and see how you feel after that

Lots of choices. Lots of options. There is no one right solution, and all paths have their pain as well as happiness. You might find that some therapy sessions to explore what you want from the next stage of your life to be helpful? After all ... retirement looms ... you might find yourselves together almost all day every day ... or could lead separate lives but call it a second home retirement.

I hope you find calm and contentment, whatever you decide.

Are you staying with him for his money? I just can't think of another reason why you would still be there. It's ridiculous and a pathetic excuse for a 'marriage'

Some people just like the security of being married, or dislike the 'stigma' of divorce. Her husband seems to be one of them. A marriage is whatever two people make it.

You've had advanced breast cancer.
You should be appreciating every day extra you've had on this Earth and every extra day going forward.
What if your cancer returns? You'll regret not living your life for yourself and feel like you've missed out on so much.

Your (grown up) children will not be oblivious to this shitshow. That's if they don't even know the whole sordid story.
They are being harmed emotionally much more by you staying than having parents who divorce. You're teaching them that this is how men treat women and this is how women deal with men treating them like shit.

59 is not old. You could have a whole other life with a new man. Or just enjoy the life you have on your own as a happy single woman.

No, your lifestyle maybe won't be as easy financially. But emotionally you'll be happier.
But if you'd rather have a shit life and money, then that's okay too. But you have no right to moan about your life going forwards if that is the case.

Personally, I would leave. But this isn't me. It's you. And only you can decide what you value more.

You deserve to have a happy life, don't settle for this. There's no reasons to justify staying in a marriage and be treated this way. You are worth much more than this.

You didn’t survive advanced cancer to live half a life. Honour the people who’ve gone before and fought to the end to hang onto life by living the remainder of yours on your terms; with whom you want, where you want and how you want.

Moving on with a calm dignity and indifference will be the greatest revenge against an arsehole who has treated you with contempt.

I know a number of men that have wives and long term mistresses. They use their wives as very convenient, essentially unpaid house keepers that leave them free to enjoy relationships with the kind of women that excite them but aren't prepared to wash their pants. Get some self respect, put what cash you can in a seperate bank account, copy every financial document you can find and get yourself down to an excellent divorce lawyer. You can lead a fabulous life, you are worth more than running round after a man that clearly has no respect for you.

There's no good or complex reason to stay. Walk out the door, don't look back.

Time to leave. Too much suffering due to his actions.

If it helps, my mum's best friend was in the exact same situation (minus the cancer!!)
She is now remarried to the loveliest man and they dance together (ballroom) and she is so happy. Pretty sure she was a similar age to you when this all happened. You can do it!

Oh OP, how horrible for you to be treated this way. You will not find a MNer on here that will tell you to stay. The advice to reread your post and think of how you’d advise someone else. What if your child was in your situation and their partner treated them this way? What would you tell them to do? I’m sure the unknown is terrifying, but it’s got to be better than this.

Nah, go for it

You're not too old to leave and be happy! My grandmother left my grandfather when she was in her 50s, and went on to have a very happy marriage to my step grandfather.

Im going to be 54 and in the process of sorting out the finances .He is a bastard and has ignored everything ,but life is to short.
Think of this if anything did happen to you.
Guess who would take care of your children and guess who would comfort him
Yes ..not easy to do but you can and should .

Just because people respect him, it doesn't mean he deserves it!

You're never too old to admit to yourself and the rest of the world that you deserve love and respect.

What's stopping you from standing up for yourself?

What example are you setting for your children by staying?

I bet people wouldn’t respect him half so much if they knew he’d cheated on his wife while she was battling cancer.

OP. You’ve been through a lot. You’ve had a long marriage to a man who doesn’t deserve you and now it’s time for you. Go and see a solicitor. You should be looking at at least a 50/50 split of assets.

I understand how hard it is ..... took me years to leave my husband. His affair almost six years ago. Followed by continual inappropriate contact with other women.

I lost all respect for myself and self esteem in tatters for staying with him.

Finally found courage to say it’s over. It’s taken almost two years for him to accept but finally he moves out this week.

My future starts here.

Be brave and good luck x

Lol.