Husband has left after 19 years - lonely , two children.

[Tinydancer123]

Really unsure what I am looking for.

However I feel really lonely and sad. I moved to a town for my husband , I have no family here and few friends despite living here for 11 years. We have his family.

He left me last night , it is not the first time. I have tried for 19 years but I am just not good enough according to him. He always wants more and has quite narc traits.

Since having children things have got worse and he is wants a sexual relationship ( which we do have , apparently it is not good enough ) Yet cannot show love to me... affection , care .no birthday presents or cards . Often refuses to talk, or to do things around the house unless it is on his terms . Hence I therefore do not feel passion for him, because he refuses to care for me or be kind . I feel like an object. He often tells me how other people dislike me too. He can be agressive.

I work full time he works part time .
We have two children.

Despite his very set ways we have a lovely family life , we enjoy walks , family days out he will cook, washes , does some diy if it is agreable to him. He takes the children out has their friends over. We enjoy the same things.

I literally feel despair coming up 40 and he has walked out .
I do not want to date or be with anyone else . I just want him to be kind . He says he cannot change.

Well, I think you can have a better life. Boot him out and sell the house. As you work full time then you are in a great position to get a mortgage in your own name. You can continue the family days at the weekends but you get the luxury of having your own space where you can rebuild your self esteem. This is going to sound harsh but he’s done you a favour.

You dont seem to love him or what to be with him. You might love the kind version that you would like him to be.
He already told you he wont change. And he really wont. You have to believe him.

I think you will be much better off without him. And even if you cant imagine being with anyone else, you never know what happens when you're free of him.
Its gonna be hard, but you will get through it and from what you wrote i am 100% certain that in the long run this is good for you.

Thank you.
If only I felt that way. Not sure I have much left of anything right now.
My childood was not great , realationships were also not great always cheated on . Then him ..... the most handsome , charming man who I forgave for anything. Starting again feels horrendous.

Hi my mum left my dad at 40 - he cheated - when I was 17 and sister was 14. She’s now 42 and is getting married to a lovely man in June this year. It’s hard but don’t worry you’ll do great. Please don’t waste your life on nasty men x

You don’t have a lovely life I’m not sure why you think you do. A family walk doesn’t make up for emotional abuse! Him leaving is a blessing. Do not let him back. A year from now you’ll thank your lucky stars!

Honestly OP, if he says he can't change (he means he won't change), believe him. Don't waste more good years of your life with someone who doesn't love or respect you.

Also, you really don't need to think about things like dating right now - why is that the first thing that comes to mind? I only ask, as it hints at an insecurity that you won't cope on your own, so the only way you can imagine your future without DH in it is to imagine someone else in his place, which unsurprisingly you can't right now. That's okay - you just need to focus on yourself and your DC for now and maybe look to pursue some counselling to build up your self esteem?

My mum found herself in a similar position when my dad decided to leave her with no warning after 20 years of marriage. He literally walked out one day and didn't come back. She was understandably devastated at the time and it didn't happen overnight, but a few years down the line she met my stepdad and honestly, her life couldn't be more different to the misery she suffered for years with my dad. Difference being, my stepdad was a lovely, respectful man who valued my mum for the woman she is.

You're stronger than you think you are

It seems hard now but this is a good thing, you will develop a nice life without him.

How old are your children?

First things first you need to decide this is it, take control and don’t let him back. Spend today getting paperwork together. Rebuilding your life can come later for now get ahead of him with the admin.

💐

Neither of you sound like you want to be together or actually even like each other very much. Maybe it’s time to find out what you can be without him and concentrate on being you for now.

Thank you for the message.

The children are 6 and 10.

Dating because we split before and he dated . I can think of nothing worse than dating anyone , which concerns me because that of my low self esteem ? To think I am unlovable.

Yes we are probably best apart, I think being alone here makes me attached to him in an unhealthy way. I feel very lonely and like there is not much point.

Of course there is to more to life than walks but what I found in him despite this s%it was someone I really enjoyed my life with. Mountains , surfing, our home our outlook. Right now I feel lost. When we split before I wanted only him.

But you don’t have him....

No wonder you feel lost, but he sounds like a really bad selfish partner

Ultimately this is a good thing, him leaving

Honestly if you’ve got mountains and surf you don’t need him, if you are near the sea (and you’re cold water hardy) go in today you’ll feel so much better. Your self esteem will improve over time, start by enjoying being with just you, enjoy your own company dating can come later if you want to.

I have moved away from the sea ironically to where all his family live 🤢😣I have just taken the dog on a long walk however.
It is so hard to understand just by the simplest of changes we could have worked.
He has never wanted to change .... I guess single life will suit him or he will find a women who has older children and can then lavish the attention he needs.
It is so strange that he requires so much attention yet struggled to see as a teacher , a mum of two , a renovation and a dog perhaps just maybe some attention my way may have helped ?
Sorry to go on , I just need to talk. I am so sad and the thought of another evening alone thinking makes me feel ill.

Op you deserve so much more than this your stronger than you think holding it together and raising two kids and working full time focus on you and the kids and you will get to a point that you know what you will want and need you are feeling like it is your fault it's not write a list of all the things you do for him and all the things he does for you and you will see it's definitely his fault

Thank you. I am trying . Just horrible when a person has so much hate and frustration . Sadly it is all sexual, it is like he is posessed. I do not think he realises that perhaps conversation is important and kindess. With those perhaps more excitement and sex.... I thought 3 x a week given the stresses of life.
Apparently I have never been what he wants in that department and he hates me. He likes the renovation , the children parts of our life yet he hates me.

You cannot compete with porn....

In time you will wonder why you wanted to keep him..let him go and focus on yourself..avoid putting yourself down,sounds like he really impacted your self esteem with his horrible comments to the mother of his children...move back to the sea...breath you are better off without him...continue healthy living,walks etc and try get a hobby that involves meeting new people..you are young,and sound self sufficient so you will be just fine..take it day by day xxx

How are you this morning op, do you still have family near the sea, a weekend visiting might be a good plan.

Morning how are you ? Thank you for your message .Not a good start he did not collect the children for school. Both are unwell so now at the dr .
I will book a cottage for feb half term I think.
I am too kind for my own good and put up with too much x

Hope they feel better soon, I think him not picking up is a blessing in disguise, you know where you stand, start to plan without him in the equation, also start to make notes of everything you might need it. 💐

Feb half term sounds a great idea it gives you something to work towards.

Hello and hug.
I've been going through exactly this. My husband left a year ago and I've been sorting out my life since then. I've learnt a LOT. The first thing is you will NEVER change a Narcissist. You won't ever get the love, kindness and empathy that you deserve. The next thing is you need to learn about Narcissism. Look at Dr Ramani on youtube. It is really hard but we can do this! x

Thank you . I agree such an intense personality . I have been learning and reading , thank you I shall look at this video. Could you tell me about your situation so I can understand ? If you feel comfortable ?

I felt like you, I could have written this. But 11 months on I have an amazing life. I have it 3 months then started on line dating, such fun! Didn't expect it to result in meeting someone quickly but 4 months of coffees, beers and trip round the local museum - and I met my new dp, he does all the stuff stbexh didn't, cards, flowers, hugs whilst I'm chopping the carrots . He curls up on the sofa with me to watch tv (instead of refusing unless it was sport).

Don't pine for a failed relationship, take a plunge into the unknown. Mr right is out there. Alas mine is quite a drive away and it will be 3 months + more before I can move but we can't wait

For 19 years he has trained you to expect less.
Your the one who works more, to give him his nice life.
Wait till he finds out all women are not like you.
Run girl, your children are at the best ages, you can chat to them about school and plan fun things to do.
Make 2020 the year you stand in a mirror and value your worth.
Don't let him back, he has cheated on you.

Yes. Be strong. You are worth SO much more. And yes . . . sex needs love, communication and kindness (in my opinion!!!).
I have been married for 17 years and together for 27!!!
I hadn't realised how brainwashed I had become.
I had started to stand up to him and not tolerate aspects of his behaviour - especially his Victorian attitude towards our children. He left last Christmas . . . but I am still going through quite an intense time in terms of our divorce. We have complex finances and I've had to use a lawyer. Whilst he left (and although he's still not admitted to it he had been in a relationship for a long time - much younger woman . . . 20 years younger) I feel I had actually come to the end of the road myself. I've been having therapy and I have spoken LOADS to friends. I feel shocked by how much I put up with - mostly because there was no physical abuse. But the emotional abuse was AWFUL.