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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

New partner relocating

37 replies

Mozza1981 · 06/01/2020 00:30

Any advice will be much appreciated.

I have separated from my wife and am in a new relationship with someone so lives 100 miles away.
She has 2 children (8&6) and is separated from her husband (Not divorced yet).
I share parental responsibility of my 2 children 50/50.
I would like my new partner to relocate to live with me but am worried that her ex can stop her meaning we cannot be together. I work shifts which means if I relocate I will find it hard to see my children on weekends due to my days off often calling within the week. I only have 2 weekends off in every 8 weeks.

What is the likelihood of my new partners ex being able to stop her and her children moving?
Her parents live near her and she obvious has a job there that she would have to leave.

I support my ex-wife who still lives in our house. She has a part time job but I am still on the mortgage of the house as she couldn't afford it by herself.

I rent but would like to buy with my new partner if she can move.

Is it likely that she could move as long as her ex is promised weekends and 50/50 of the holidays (he is a teacher so it would mean 7 weeks a year)

Thanks

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 06/01/2020 01:38

How new is this relationship? If it's under 18 months/2 years I would wait.

It's very soon to uproot children.

If it's well established, then could you look at moving halfway between yours and hers? So you're both 50 miles from your original homes?

Otter71 · 06/01/2020 15:40

Whether her ex stops it is only down to him. Unfortunately unless you know him, she is the best person to say what is likely. The court won't stop that unless he objects.

Techway · 06/01/2020 15:51

Your partner would be folish to uproot herself and children from family, job and schools for a new'ish relationship.

Consider it in a few years when her oldest is approaching secondary and the flush of a new relationship has worn off.

Her H could apply to court to stop the move as it would be detrimental to contact with their father and due to the speed he could argue it is not in the children's best interest, given they are moving from school, friends and close family. Major disruption for what benefit to the children?

Put the children at the centre of this and slow down the speed so that the divorces are done.

Brakebackcyclebot · 06/01/2020 15:56

Honestly? Slow down. Your new partner isn't even divorced yet.

Have you been on holiday yet? Had a major row yet? Seen how she behaves under stress? Faced any difficult circumstances together/ Spent a week in eachother's company?

I get the feeling you are rushing into this, and you may not even know her that well.

PurpleDaisies · 06/01/2020 16:00

This seems way too fast. Your partner would be mad to move 100 miles for a new relationship with two school aged children in tow.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2020 16:02

You are being foolish and moving WAY too fast. Your "partner", actually girlfriend, has a lot to lose if she moves. Why she would do this is beyond me. It alarms me that you don't have the best interests of her children in mind. This is all about what YOU want.

ohwheniknow · 06/01/2020 16:13

Are you high?

aSofaNearYou · 06/01/2020 16:18

What does your partner want/think is best? It doesn't sound like moving would be good for her and her family in very many ways... is it what she wants?

Original poster
Mozza1981 · 06/01/2020 23:53

We have known each other for over 20 years and feel that we know each other's personalities well. I would move to her but this way i can maintain my relationship with my children

OP posts:
Original poster
Mozza1981 · 06/01/2020 23:54

Pardon?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mozza1981 · 06/01/2020 23:55

She wants to be with me and understands my dilemma with my children

OP posts:
Original poster
Mozza1981 · 06/01/2020 23:57

PurpleDaisies, why do you think this?

OP posts:
Babablackship · 06/01/2020 23:59

What about her children and their dad?

Original poster
Mozza1981 · 07/01/2020 00:01

Techway, is it better to uproot a child at a more important time in school?
The children ARE at the top of our priority list believe me but is there ANY good time to do this?

We are not a NEW couple, we have been in a relationships for a while and have kjown each other for over 20 years.
Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
TheHagOnTheHill · 07/01/2020 00:03

How would you feel if your wife and kids moved 100 miles away?If she moves you are prioritising your children over hers and expecting her to move away from her support network.
Also she would be the one taking her kids to see their father each weekend,that's a lot of driving for her and the kids.
What does she want?

Original poster
Mozza1981 · 07/01/2020 00:03

Babablacksheep, I want the children to maintain their relationship with their father. Do you think it's better for my partner and I to finish the relationship because they would have to move away from their father. I am not unsympathetic to their father, in fact it is killing me trying to find a solution to this situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mozza1981 · 07/01/2020 00:06

The hag on the hill,
What do you suggest? I understand all that you say but I'm only trying to find a solution to our situation. I'm being selfish i admit. I would of course help as much as I could to make sure the children maintain the relationship with their father.

OP posts:
TheHagOnTheHill · 07/01/2020 00:07

Have you had a lot of contact with her kids?Have your children and hers met?Has she spent time with your children?

Clymene · 07/01/2020 00:08

You both stay living where you are. I have friends in this situation. They see one another at weekends and during the holidays. Because they are decent parents and put their children first. It's completely unfair of you to pressurise your girlfriend to move.

Original poster
Mozza1981 · 07/01/2020 00:10

No. Not yet. Please don't think that this is something I want to happen NOW. It is something to work at over months. I want to make sure the children know me deliver the right time period. I was just asking if anyone had experience of people being stopped from moving home with children.

OP posts:
Suebnm · 07/01/2020 00:11

Why doesn’t your girlfriend want her husband to have decent access to his children? Is he abusive to them?

You’re being quite cagey as to the amount of time you’ve been in a relationship with your girlfriend.

Original poster
Mozza1981 · 07/01/2020 00:17

Suebnm,
Not at all, we have been in a relationship for 15 months, known each other over 20 years.

Not for one second have i suggested that my partner doesn't want decent access for the children's father. I have said that the situation is that I and she would like to move to live where I live.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mozza1981 · 07/01/2020 00:23

Clymene,
Do you think it's a decent example to children to maintain a split family? Where does that lead them in their future relationships?

OP posts:
TulaOfDarkWater · 07/01/2020 05:00

Well if the father objects to the move (& he’s a loving, involved parent) then let the children live with him & your partner can see them weekends & half of all holidays. This should work really well as you & your girlfriend obviously see this as a fair split of time anyway & the two of you are already more than willing to be travelling to & fro as well.

This way:

  1. You get to see your children as often as you want.
  1. You & your girlfriend get to live together.
  1. The children will still be living with one parent full time & seeing the other weekends & holidays but with the added bonus of not being uprooted away from their friends, school, family & support network.
  1. It works better this way around as presumably your girlfriend will be travelling back “home” to see the rest of her family regularly anyway whereas her ex probably has no reason to be in your town. Plus when her family come to visit you, they can also bring the children down with them.

You & your girlfriend want to live together so it is the two of you who should be making the sacrifices - not anyone else. You’ve already said you won’t change the status quo with your children so it’s your girlfriend who’ll have to do the compromising then - she’s the one who wants to move away after all.

I don’t see why her ex should be the one to have his relationship with his children limited or why he should have to spend time & expense travelling etc.

If the father wants to be active in his children’s lives - just like you do with your children - then this is actually the “fairest” solution. If this doesn’t appeal to you or your girlfriend however then I suggest you question why & then examine your own hypocrisy.

Clymene · 07/01/2020 07:22

You're not a split family. You made a family with your ex, she made one with hers. What sets a good example to children is knowing their parents prioritise their children's well-being over their own desire for regular booty calls.

Obviously she could give up everything to love with you as a PP suggests but it would be pretty stupid of her.