My world has crumbled

[Una2020]

I have been reading all the posts on here and it is comforting to know I'm not alone. On Jan 1 my DH of 8 years has dropped the D bomb on me. And I don't know what to do. We have been together for 16 years and have 10-year-old DD. The pain is immense and i feel physically sick. We have had problems for the past 3 years but I've refused to let go. And I still wouldnt hadn't DH started this. Long story short. He met someone online 3 years ago, then met up with her in real, told me he needed space to clear his head and moved to his mums. While living back at his mum's house, every out of work hour he would spend with me and our DD. Basically playing a family but sleeping elsewhere. With the exception of his trips to meet up with his online lover which i wasn't aware of at the time. He was adamant there is no one else until i found an email which proved otherwise. We talked and talked and he said nothing happened with OW. I was so blinded by love that i accepted his lies. He still kept coming over and we occasionally even had sex. Stupid I know but this was kind of a reassurance for me that he loved me. So in Sept 2018 he moved back in with me and promised me he's back for good. DD was so happy to have her dad back and so was I. Our sex life continued and things looked good until 3 months later he needed to clear his head again and promised it will only be for a couple of weeks. I didnt really have a choice so out he goes again. He returned for christmas 2018 and said never going again. Everything was great and i felt my struggles were over. Then in March 2019 he was planning a guys trip to Amsterdam. I never have problems with boys holidays. Who wants to cheat will cheat regardless of a location and I even arranged his insurance and car parking. He returned and everything was fine. Until i unexpectedly found things on his phone proving the 2 year affair and his trips to see this OW. He said it finished last christmas and the trip in March was just a stupid mistake which involved no sexual activity. Now my head was properly messed up. I didnt ask him to leave because i only had him back not long ago. And love is blind. Our family life continued but i couldnt get over the things i had seen on his phone (not pics) and couldn' t stop talking about them which made him very uncomfortable. So this New Years Day he said he thinks we are too damaged and the only way for us is a divorce. Now im feeling like everything I went through before was for nothing. He claims to love me and wants to be a good dad but go our separate ways. He is saying this chapter must close now. But feels like the book is still open and if we are meant to be together we will find our way back. He says he loves me but i deserve better. I dont know if he is feeling so guilty and doesnt know how to fix it or if someone else is pulling the strings. Our DD is in pieces because she adores him. And I feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I cant stop crying nor hiding it from our DD. She shouldn't see me like that. I don't know how to survive this. On top of everything else I'm worried about our finances. Now writing this and re-reading it feels like I'm a proper mug. My self esteem is in negative figures and i feel I've lost not just my partner but also my best friend. We always just had each other. I was never bothered about making new friends when i moved to this country because i had him. Now i have no one and im failing being a good parent. I feel like i should have kept my mouth shut and not bringing up his affair all the time. I was doing it less and less but the dsmage was done. None of my family and friends know of our struggles and they all like DH. I dont know how to address this issue. I'm so sorry about this dragged out story.

Have you worked out your finances. And claimed any benefits. And worked out what he needs to contribute to get you through the month. Then get a direct debit agreed.

Do you work regular hours. Formalise contact. I swiftly moved to every other weekend. Ex wanted a more ad hoc approach but that just meant he was In touch most days, changing plans and letting kids down. So having set contacted stopped having to be in touch so much and gave the children. Good routine.

Even now him phoning puts me on edge. I would rather he text. But I know I need to suck it up.

Now that the night time is approaching, the thoughts enter my head. Does any of you feel that this is all temporary. Like a bad dream or a row youve just had with DH. Thats how it feels. Like it all will end soon and back to normal family life again. Is it just me?

Im in the non-winning group.

So was Mo Farrah. Until he won.

"When you're in hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill.

Keep going, OP. Keep going.

You just have to keep going. And keep ranting here. Evenings are the worst. I'm in bed by nine most nights. There is no point sitting up in my own.

Evenings are horrible. Im fighting with myself not to text him. I cant even sleep in my own bed. Feels cold and empty. So i sleep now in dds bed. She seems to like it, so thats fine. He texted me this morning asking if he can come and see dd tomorrow morning. I respectfully declined the request saying we had plans. We don't. But he said before he can pick her up on Tuesday from school so im sticking with that. I better make some plans quickly otherwise i look bad shen he asks dd what did we get up to. I dont know if i should accommodate his ad hoc visiting requests. I understand he works shift and is rarely off weekends. So its impossible for him to have dd every other weekend. But that also means i cannot plan my life. Not that i want at the moment but at some point i hope i will want to. When do i get to go out then? Why is everything so hard????

You've done amazingly well today by turning him down. Doesn't matter what you have planned - watching telly in you PJs while not having to look at his ridiculous face is a plan if you don't feel like doing anything else! Having said that, do you have anyone that you'd like to arrange to see? Since I separated, I've found that it's really helped to reach out to people, even though it was hard to do so at first. This is the time to lean on your friends - they'll want to help

You're doing amazingly well.

Does he have your dc overnight? Can you set up access to coincide with his shifts. That way you can start to carve out a bit of a life for yourself.

You also need to see a few solicitors to work out where you stand financially.

No, I do not think you should accommodate as hoc visiting requests. It is not fair on DD and it is not fair on you. What is best is consistency - that is to say, it is best for DD to know when her dad is coming and for you (and she) be able to plan her day to day life aside from this. I found it really important to ensure routine - both with seeing dad but also routine time for extracurricular activities, seeing friends, doing exercise, whatever, so that life goes on regardless of the emotions, but also you build up your social network aside from your ex. Routine and consistency.

My DD’s dad works shifts so I do understand the problems, but he sends his rota in advance, and DD decides when she wants to go fitting in her own commitments. She is a bit older and when she was your DD’s age, we used to just agree the days when he sent over the rota. So it was easier that way to know at least a month at a time. So even a routine of him sending his rota when he has it, and then you agreeing on days which go in the calendar for the next month will be a step forward. How much contact and how often depends on your DD’s wishes and her other commitments but it needs to be manageable within her day to day life.

I personally would make the appointment for March with the counsellor. You will need it then as you are just in early days and it is really raw still. In the meantime keep a journal (I found this very helpful) and think about things you would enjoy in the time you have in the evenings - reading, art, knitting, writing, what makes you tick? I agree with seeking support from your friends.

Not sure if that is any help, but you will get there.

I said for your DD to know when her dad is coming, but ideally she would see him away from your house so you have your own space.

I’m so sorry to hear this, it sounds very like me two and a half years ago. My partner of 24 years left after an affair.
I don’t have any real advice, just wanted to offer a bit of support and say that It does get easier, I have found a strength and ability that I didn’t know I had, and it’s taken me up until about now to be over it, and even so I still have moments where I miss him. Perhaps google the change /grief curve as the feelings you are experiencing are the same as if it was a death. Lad actually I think this is in some ways harder, as when someone leaves there is less closure.

I better make some plans quickly otherwise I look bad
No, you have a plan, your plan is to not see him and recover from what he has done to you because he shat on you and DD from a great height.

If he wants to see her he let's you know as soon as he has his shifts what days/nights, if they work for you both.

Remember he did this, he put himself in this position through choice. He chose this life for himself knowing that he works shifts and contact would be more difficult but he had absolute faith you will let him do what he wants because he's a cunt who sees you as less important than he is.
Never forget that.

It would make me feel incredibly guilty to stop dd seeing her dad. Or making it difficult for him. Its me he doesnt want to live with. Not dd. What annoys me is why would he get to choose when its convenient for him to be a parent. I have to be a parent 24/7. I work my job around being a parent. And yes it means me working part time. But if i would say that then i would be accused of deliberately making his life difficult and using dd. And he can't give us any support if hes not working. Oh i dont know. I do agree it feels like someone died. I even said to him it would have been easier had he died rather than left. Of course i got this ...so you wish me dead...No i do not wish you dead. I wish you hadnt deliberately hurt me. He left by choice knowing it would hurt me. When someone dies it's usually not by choice. The end result is the same..I've lost someone i loved dearly. And the evening is here and emotions running wild. Sorry ladies.

But you are not stopping her seeing her dad - what you are saying (or at least I think it is better to say) is that he does not get to turn up on an ad hoc basis when he wishes. It is much better for DD that there is a contact schedule in place, even if it is sorted out on a monthly basis, than DD does not know from one day to the next when she will see her dad. That is not making it difficult for him, it is making it easier all around because everyone knows where they are, when DD is with which parent, and even on a rota that should be possible a month or so at a time. It really should not be too difficult for him to provide his rota and sort contact for the duration of that rota - no further discussion required after that, so actually much, much easier.

Honestly, I think you need to stand firm on this one - regular contact arranged in advance, not ad hoc as he wishes. That is not you stopping DD seeing her dad, that is you saying that DD has a right to know when she will see her dad, that it is in her best interests for this to be as consistent as possible given his shifts and it is not in her interests for this to be ad hoc as this will create uncertainty. It is not about you or him, it is about what is best for DD - is it better for him just to turn up when he wishes and DD not know from one day to the next when that might be, or is it better to have a contact plan for her a month or so at a time, depending on his rota.

And yes, you are right, you organise your life around looking after DD, so it really should not be too much to ask her dad to supply you with information so that his time with her can also be properly planned in. Be firm.

Insisting that he starts prioritising a routine that helps DD cope with this is not stopping him seeing her, it's bizarre that you would feel guilty for it.
The only one who benefits from ad hoc visits is him, it is detrimental for DD to not have any idea when she will see him because he has just left the family home. He has shown her that adults can be unpredictable and pull the rug out from under her world, the only way to minimise that damage is for him to get a routine in place asap.

His relationship IS with DD, he is no longer in a relationship with you so you DO get to say "I want minimal contact between us right now"

You are still (understandably) putting his thoughts and wishes before your own, years of practice probably.

It's not YOUR responsibility to facilitate a relationship between him and his dc, it's HIS! It's also very unreasonable for him to expect you and your dc to simply drop everything at a drop of a hat. Children need routine and if your dc don't know what's happening or when they will see their father from one week to another it'll be massively unsettling for them.

You need to have his shifts each month, up front and agree a month in advance when he'll be having the dc on what days (and to include overnights so you can rest). I'd suggest he has them the equivalent of one weekend in 14 days and one overnight during the week. That equates to roughly, 6 days and nights per month. If it helps your argument tell him (not ask) that you're putting together a visual board in the kitchen so your dc know exactly when they are seeing their father.

Plus please do see a solicitor to sort out the finances. It's unfair that you have to ask him for money each month. I presume he's not paying any cm at the moment? Are you starting to claim any benefits to top up your wage? Are you still paying for the house? This needs to stop so again, you can have some cash for YOU, and not just your dc.

I understand it should be now all about dd's relationship with her dad. But its so early days. Thats the last thing i want to think about. Right now I want him to feel even a fraction of what im feeling. My stomach is in knots thinking about my situation and if someone ask how im doing im fighting hard not to release the waterworks. I miss him terribly. I miss my family life. As I said previously Im not from Uk. Came over by myself. So none of my friends and family are over here and they dont know anything about my struggles. But with facetime etc its really hard to hide your feelings. So im avoiding all that. Im not ready to announce it yet. Dont know if i will be for a long time. Or maybe its that i know if i tell them then theres no going back. How stupid am i for even thinking there could be going back? He's probably loved up with OW now and not even thinking about me or dd. Its all so unfair. As for financially I'm sure he will give us at least whats required by law. He already took my bank details. So hopefully we will survive. Will have nothing left over at the end of the month but if I'm careful and cut down I should be ok. It's just if something unexpected happens like car breaking down or washing machine packing up then i have nothing to fall back on. I have no savings. Neither has he but he is living at his mums at the moment rent and bill free and have his family if something happens. Id love to tell him to stick his money where the sun dont shine. But I can't. I feel like i wanna curl up in bed and sleep, so i dont have to think about any of it.

I would have kicked him out long ago but I understand that you are different. Let him go, it would be tough for a while but on the long term you will be better off without him. Why cling onto someone who is unwilling to stay and has someone else?
You only have one daughter, it’s not like you have 3 kids with him and you are totally dependent on the bastard. You’ll be fine.

He isn't going to feel how you are feeling because he hasn't been cheated on, lied to and abandoned. If he ever says he does then he is lying to get you into bed, expect him to start playing that game.

Announce it to your nearest and dearest, it might help you to shake off any denial. You certainly need support or just somebody IRL telling you he is a bastard.

It isn't about whether you can do this because you have no choice.

Yes i have no choice. Even if i did my head knows it wont work. But heart wants what heart wants. DD is convinced that she can make him return. She adores him. Shes saying shes ok and trying to cheer me up. Should be the other way round. I was thinking she should be more upset but it must have been me saying the right things to her or maybe shes in denial and thinking he will come back like last time.

Maybe she isn't falling apart because she has faith in you, maybe she isn't as dependent on him as she is on you, she isn't facing the grief of losing an imagined life because she is a child and she still has her mum, school, friends. Her life hasn't actually changed except he's not in the house.

Does she want him home for her or to stop you being so heartbroken?

Dd is saying she will still see dad so its not so bad. Of course i dont want her to be upset and for her to get over this as lightly as possible with no damage but on the other hand im thinking how comes shes ok now. Yes first few days she was upset but now she seems fine. Its me that cannot pull herself together.

Kids are very resilient, mine were upset on the day then just saw it as a positive, 2 birthdays, 2 Christmas pressies, they were fine. As you said, it was me that couldn't deal with it

Omg now it starts haunting it in my dreams. All horrible scenarios. How bad is that!!! And noone to put an arm around you and say it just a dream. Finally got myself an appointment to see a therapist. I need these emotions out and dealt with.
Dreading how expensive it's going to be.

Another thought here. I understand people change and make mistakes, get bored and want better for themselves. What I find hard to deal with is the fear that what if he never loved me. I felt he did. Hoping he still does. But what if I was wrong? What if I was just a stepping stone. So how can I ever trust my judgement again? I'm scared he will love someone else more than he loved me. I know that i wont. If at all love anyone again. Like really love him. I can accept( with difficulty) that the relationships do break down but it would really hurt if he'd feel he never loved me enough. And throwing another thought in the mix, it would sting as hell if he were to have another child with someone else. I cant even imagine how much it would hurt. He denied me a chance of having another dc, denied our dd having a sibling. And obviously he will go for a younger woman now and she might want to have child with him. If nothing else, I want to keep the thought that our love was real and there will never be as strong feelings again. For him at least. I want him to live with a greatest regret. I know it's selfish...i need to sleep more than 2 hours a night. I come up with weird things if I dont...but I can't sleep.

I'm pleased to hear you have thought about therapy. Look for local charities. See if they can offer you subsided sessions. And speak to your gp for support too.

These thoughts and feels are only natural. And the hurt you are feeling is real. You will move on and in time meet someone new. It will hurt less.

Love is a fluid things. And you need to try and not give it any head space. Easier said than done I know. Relationships don't always work out. That doesn't mean what you had wasn't real. It just stopped working for him.

When he has a new relationship and all that entails it will hurt. ( you should of meant more). You need to try and engage less. I know little of ex's situation. It is none of my business. And when I meet someone else it is none of his business.

It's like a spot. You need to leave it alone. If you pick at it. It will get bigger. I hope you get some real life support soon. It real will help. .