Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is it a terrible idea to leave the family home?

45 replies

NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 05:29

I’ve seen a few threads on here, where it’s been suggested that it’s best not to leave the family home. I’m wondering if there would be any long term financial repercussions on any divorce settlement if I were to do this.
Briefly: I’ve been married for 7 years, but together for much longer. 3 of our 4 DCs still live at home (2 are at secondary school, one is at primary school).
The family home (DH refused to put my name on the mortgage, as my earnings were, and still are, very low,) is a big, rambling property which needs a lot of maintenance, comes with a lot of land and costs a fortune to run. I couldn’t afford to stay here even if I wanted to (I don’t) and besides, DH would never move out.
Due to my earnings, I couldn’t even afford to rent a house in this area. Ironically, H owns various properties in the town and elsewhere (all the mortgages are in his name). He has various income streams but I don’t know his salary.
DF has offered to lend me a deposit for a property, and to try and secure a mortgage in his name. If this goes ahead, I will rent the property from him. The DCs will all be able to have a room each, and continue to attend their current schools.
I imagine that H will want 50/50 with regards to looking after the children, although I’m not 100 % sure of this. The youngest is 10. At that age, do they get a say, and would the secondary school aged children’s wishes also be taken into account?
H is self employed. He has already been on my phone and deleted photos that I took of his ISAs and other financial documents, and has cancelled payments to his pension this month. He will try every trick in the book to ensure I come away with the bare minimum.
I’m not too bothered and knew this would happen. I just want a happy and relaxed home for me and my DCs. He will read this, lovely mners, so don’t feel the need to hold back!

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 05:35

It didnt have an impact on my divorce settlement. However, we earnestly roughly the same so the solution was always going to be near 50%. I didnt make a career sacrifice that needed balancing in divorce.

No one was interested in who was living where though.

runabath · 30/12/2019 05:38

Wow I'm so sorry, what a controlling nasty piece of work. I'm glad you're getting rid of him. I really have no knowledge of UK marital law but would strongly recommend you get urgent advice from a good family solicitor. Best of luck don't give in and settle for less than you deserve because even though you may earn very little I assume you're career and (potential earning capacity) took a back seat so he could run his businesses so you really should be entitled to more.

ShristmasChopper · 30/12/2019 05:41

I'd probably speak to a solicitor to be sure. 1 hour is around 180 quid plus VAT or sometimes a cheaper one off initial consultation fee or sometimes a free 20/30 minute slot.
It's alot of money j know but getting the best advice before you do anything may protect you further down the line
I personally would would err on the side of caution.

Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 05:41

Thank you Scarsthelot.

Hope you don’t mind me asking...

Do you mean the DCs (if there are any) weren’t interested who was living where?

Did the family home get sold and split 50/50?

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 05:44

Thanks Runabath and ShristmasChopper yes I will seek advice ASAP.

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 05:56

Do you mean the DCs (if there are any) weren’t interested who was living where?

No, the solicitors and judge for the divorce didnt care. I had rehoused myself but it didnt impact my share of the joint assets. Some mners day it does, so I can only assume its different in each situation.

It was roughly about 60:40, I got slightly more due to the fact that the kids wanted to stay with me the majority of the time and as exh was self employed, my solicitor asked for more because CMS could go up and down.

As it stands exh now reckons he earns a pittance and I rarely get anything towards the kids.

Weenurse · 30/12/2019 06:17

You may be entitled to more than you think.
Also with DC’s, the older ones will get to chose who they want to live with.
Do you think DC want 50:50?
Get legal advice.
They may know how to retrieve deleted photos as well.
In future, any photos like this, forward to someone you trust.

Namechanger23455 · 30/12/2019 06:31

Divorce and child maintenance / where they live is two different matters.

So when previous poster said the solicitor and judge didn’t care it means that it wouldn’t be discussed through the divorce process. Unless you want to have child maintenance in the financial consent order - but this can be overturned by the CMS after a year.

Do you have details of all his houses and where they are? Although you aren’t on any
Mortgages they are martial assests and you are entitled to half of these, what is his pension worth? You are entitled to some of that as well.

I’d do some digging and try and find out everything you can re the finances, does he have an accountant?

Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 06:55

Thanks everyone for replying.
@Scarsthelot that’s the problem with being SE, isn’t it? My H will do the same - shift things around, probably already has, and tweak things so it looks like he’s living in poverty in time. I’ve no doubt he has a hefty pot of savings somewhere that I know nothing about, and never will.

@Weenurse the thought of only having the DCs 50% of the time makes me feel sick. I’m really not sure. He has barely mentioned them tbh. My middle two are quite wary around him a lot of the time, but they do love him. I can’t see them wanting to be with him 50% of the time. He’s upped his game with the DCs since I told him it’s over, though, predictably, he’s taken to tucking the youngest in, which he almost never did with any of them ever. My youngest is a real people pleaser. Having never had the brunt of his unreasonable behaviour or temper like the other 3 have, I think it will hit our youngest DC hardest, as she will feel so sorry for him. When he plays the victim, she’ll suck that up and feel it’s her job to look after him. The other two who are at home are wise to this behaviour though, I think. Having said that, I just can’t call it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 07:01

@Namechanger23455
Yes I do know where the various properties are. It’s going to expensive for solicitors to get to the bottom of it all, that’s for sure.

Yes, he does have an accountant - that’s bad from my perspective, isn’t it?

Re CMS - you mean he can agree to maintenance which can then be changed by the CMS? Would that be because as a SE person, he could sort of cook the books for the following financial year, so that it would look like he has no income, then they CMS would make him pay less? I had thought he would do this tbh. Nothing would surprise me. Sad

OP posts:
Weenurse · 30/12/2019 07:09

Get your legal advice and go from there.
Great your Dad supports you

JKScot4 · 30/12/2019 07:16

Put a passcode on your phone and don’t let the fucker have your phone!!

Weffiepops · 30/12/2019 07:16

Yes don't leave, it will weaken your financial future. See a solicitor first

Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 07:17

Thanks Weenurse.
I’m so lucky. It’s not a dead cert that he can get a mortgage, but fingers crossed.
I read posts on here of women who literally cannot leave and it must be horrendous. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 07:21

@JKScot4
I have now. He deleted the photos before I changed my password for the second time, but denies it, of course.
The first time I didn’t know he knew it - he must have seen my typing it in without me realising he was looking. Either that or he’s loaded software on to my phone that lets him access my messages & photos from his phone - if that’s even possible. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 07:23

He pays my phone bill. It’s in his name, as is my car. So effectively they are his belongings not mine. He’s spent the whole of our relationship trying to financially protect himself from the worst case scenario, it would seem!

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 07:24

@Weffiepops
Do you speak from experience, if you don’t mind me asking? If so, do you mind sharing?

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 08:54

Yes don't leave, it will weaken your financial future. See a solicitor first

This isnt always true. The fact that OP can temporarily home them, which is what she should be saying the rented property is, wont always reduce any financial settlement.

OP does, indeed, need to get proper legal advice.

I did exactly the same. Moves into rented and did not impact my financial settlement.

OP, exs who are self employed become a nightmare over CMS. You need to get as much as you can out of the settlement. That way if he is hit and miss with CMS payments or doesnt pay (or make it look like he doesnt earn much) you have more security.

Weffiepops · 30/12/2019 08:59

My friend from work left the family home, biggest mistake ever, her hubby stayed in family home with kids (late teens) and she left. In the settlement he kept the house and kept parental rights and she had to give him a chunk of her pension. I'm considering leaving my partner and she regularly tells me to get advice from a solicitor before I move out.

Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 09:16

@Weffiepops
Thank you for that advice.
I hope things work out for as you want them to. It’s so complicated & daunting for me, I hope it’s less so for you.
Did he have to buy your friend out?
I can’t stay in the family home. Without outing myself, it’s a very niche property. You need specialist knowledge & a specialist skill set (which I don’t have) to be able to run it. Not the property itself, but all that comes with it.
I’m thinking that because of this, it might not go against me, if I leave, but I’ve no idea whether or not that will be taken into account, or if it’s even relevant.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 09:26

@Scarsthelot
Hope things worked out well for you. Will I need to say it’s a temporary situation? I expect it will be for 1 or 2 years, maybe longer.

Good advice re SE. I’m expecting the worse and the bare minimum in CMS.

He’s told me that all the other properties won’t be taken into account in the settlement because they are tied up in business, and as they are a source of income, won’t be touched. Does anyone know if this is true? I might have to start a different thread on that.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 30/12/2019 10:34

The reason people are advised to stay in the house are to do with the advantage it provides in negotiations. The house is an asset but it also serves a practical purpose as a home until the financial settlement is agreed and the assets shared. The share of the asset is only available to you when it is sold.

If you don’t stay in the house you have to find somewhere else to live and it’s usually better to be able to buy than to rent. This puts pressure on you to reach a settlement quickly, so you get your equity share. You will settle for less.

The person in the house has a home and is able to string out negotiations. He or she won’t be bothered about the speed of the settlement and will realise that the other party is. They know they can use this to get them to settle for less.

In your position I would contact women’s aid and get their support in reporting his financial abuse and his tech abuse. They could help you get court orders to make him leave the family home.

Make a list of the ISAs as you recall them. Search the land registry for confirmation of his current ownership of properties. Make a list.

NorthernGlam · 30/12/2019 11:15

Why do you need to borrow a deposit if he will buy somewhere for you to rent from him? Do you mean he will make you pay a rent deposit? To house his own children??? A friend who moved out and rented using parttime wages, UC and housing benefit got a better settlement as she could afford to wait for ex to stop playing games and for initial enthusiasm for having children 50:50 to wear off. Your issue is that you can only afford to rent from him unless you are willing for kids to share rooms etc. You need to find his tax returns as that will have all his income on them. You should apply for UC now before you move. Get child benefit and wages / benefits paid into your solo account. Change all your passwords etc. My friends ex was furious the benefit system allowed her to start over as it took away all his control over her. As you don’t want the family home only your share of assets moving into rented shouldn’t affect the settlement and being able to play a long game may actually help you. You could apply for an interim spousal maintenance payment pending the eventual settlement (which makes more sense than you borrowing a deposit from him!). You need to register interest in family home with Land Reg so he can’t remortgage against it etc He will need to sell some of properties or remortgage them to buy you out family home. Either the rental properties are marital assets or they are a business producing income. If it’s the second then that income counts for CM. Make sure any requests for 50% childcare mean 50% overnights, school holidays, pick ups, drop offs, sick days etc to see if he will stick to it. What are his family like? Did his money come from his family? Sometimes grandparents will do the decent thing and look after their grandchildren even if the dad doesn’t

FanSpamTastic · 30/12/2019 11:33

If he owns properties all over - then won't you also be entitled to a share of any equity in those properties too? If you are married then they will be part of the marital assets?

If you know the addresses then get on to the Land Registry site to see who is recorded as the owner. It costs £3 to get an extract. Only use the official site as other sites might charge you more here.

Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 30/12/2019 11:40

Thanks for the brilliant advice.
I’ll answer all questions later, but one thing for now:
@NorthernGlam it is my DFather not husband who has offered to lend me the deposit.

OP posts: