Is it a terrible idea to leave the family home?

[NeverGuessWho]

I’ve seen a few threads on here, where it’s been suggested that it’s best not to leave the family home. I’m wondering if there would be any long term financial repercussions on any divorce settlement if I were to do this.
Briefly: I’ve been married for 7 years, but together for much longer. 3 of our 4 DCs still live at home (2 are at secondary school, one is at primary school).
The family home (DH refused to put my name on the mortgage, as my earnings were, and still are, very low,) is a big, rambling property which needs a lot of maintenance, comes with a lot of land and costs a fortune to run. I couldn’t afford to stay here even if I wanted to (I don’t) and besides, DH would never move out.
Due to my earnings, I couldn’t even afford to rent a house in this area. Ironically, H owns various properties in the town and elsewhere (all the mortgages are in his name). He has various income streams but I don’t know his salary.
DF has offered to lend me a deposit for a property, and to try and secure a mortgage in his name. If this goes ahead, I will rent the property from him. The DCs will all be able to have a room each, and continue to attend their current schools.
I imagine that H will want 50/50 with regards to looking after the children, although I’m not 100 % sure of this. The youngest is 10. At that age, do they get a say, and would the secondary school aged children’s wishes also be taken into account?
H is self employed. He has already been on my phone and deleted photos that I took of his ISAs and other financial documents, and has cancelled payments to his pension this month. He will try every trick in the book to ensure I come away with the bare minimum.
I’m not too bothered and knew this would happen. I just want a happy and relaxed home for me and my DCs. He will read this, lovely mners, so don’t feel the need to hold back!

@LemonTT
Re the financial abuse - I’ve often questioned whether it was financial abuse. Re the car & phone - he’s always portrayed the current, & previous cars as him doing me a massive favour, which I can sort of see could be seen like that. He’s always paid my phone too, which again can look like being very generous, and to some extent is. Can I ask which specific bits of the information I’ve given make you you call it financial abuse? It would help to have someone else’s opinions. TIA.

You need to get photocopies of everything while he is at work - give them to a family member or friend for safe keeping. Also, if you have an iPhone he may have deleted the photos from your phone they should be on iCloud - I'm sure android phones will have a similar back up system.
My advice would be to instruct a solicitor ASAP. You need to start getting a list of all his assets and income, details of his pension provider etc. Make sure you write everything down somewhere he can't get hold of it too.

And re the other properties I'd say if they are in his name - whether they are part of his business or not - they belong to him so I would say you are entitled to a share of them. Sounds like he's blustering to me.

Set up an email address
Forward all photos etc to there so they are safe
Keep records of conversations etc
Get a good Lawyer - they can help you out massively

Thank you. He has removed paperwork so I can’t get copies now. Doesn’t he legally have to declare any savings though? Can he just get away with hiding bank accounts and savings, ISAs etc?

I would think he will have to legally declare any savings, investments etc but people are very sneaky during divorces

Oh sorry didn’t read that properly I thought it was your ex who would be your landlord! I think you would be better to claim benefits and rent in short term so it doesn’t affect settlement. I wouldn’t buy anywhere in your name until finances are sorted. You will have to share copies your bank statements etc Have you checked on benefits website like Entitledto what you would get?

@NeverGuessWho
Please please don't move out. I'm 17 months into a divorce. I'm basically being backed into a corner to except less equity and remember once you leave there is no going back even if your homeless for 5 weeks and sleeping in your car like l was.
Your children as well are likely to find comfort in the home they are used to so you will struggle to see them

I don’t think OP was intending to leave the kids there! She plans to take them with her.

Scottish viewpoint

1. Children will have their own say from age 12. Maybe earlier depending on maturity

1. Profits and loss are 50/50 but limited to what was earned during marriage only. It's a myth you get 50% everything. 50/50, That is simply starting point.

@Yellowshirt that sounds horrendous. I am so sorry to read what you’re going through. Hope things settle down this year, and you manage to see more of your children. Do you mind me asking their ages?

@NorthernGlam If I go ahead, my dad will buy the property & I will rent it from him, but still I can’t work out whether that’s a good idea, or if I should dig deep & stay put. I couldn’t afford to rent in any other circumstances, and with this option of affordable rent, I’m hoping I could play the long game & stick it out for a fair share of equity.

Staying put will mean paying a high price on my self esteem and MH though. I’m only a month or so In from telling him it’s over, & already he’s deliberately doing things to make me unhappy & make me feel shit. At least one DC has noticed how bad the atmosphere is & I suspect the others have, too. It’s not a happy home when we’re in it together.

Things at home are unbearable for me, though, and due to VERY outing details, I couldn’t feasibly start divorce proceedings in the short term. When I do, it will be extremely drawn out & complicated. He will drag his heels as much, and for as long as possible.

Judging by the details you have provided you nay bed time employ solicitors that are specialist in this area. Either get recommendations from others or speak to a number of solicitors and find out how much experience and success that they have had.

@wheretonow123

Thank you. Honestly, it would never have occurred to me to ask about how much experience and/or success any given solicitor has had.

I would have just appointed one. . It seems so obvious now you’ve said it!

@NeverGuessWho. My daughter is 14.
Regarding the financial abuse I think solicitors will just shrug there shoulders even if you have the evidence.
My stbx has left me with 3 ccjs. Luckily the debts will be paid off in 2 years but my solicitor has basically told me although the debts/overdrafts were taken out in my name without my knowledge it is hard to prove that my stbx spent the money on anything other than family holidays etc etc so I'm wasting my time.
I also spoke to Halifax bank regarding the £7000 overdraft. They again said although my stbx stole my debit card and then hid all mail to stop me finding out as I had previously trusted her by giving her my pincode again its my fault. I just thought it was normal for partners to trust each other to go to a cash point now and again for shopping etc etc but obviously its not. Can you imagine much that overdraft has cost me over its life time in charges and stuff.

@yellowshirt yep I'm in the same position too - moved into rented accommodation round the corner from the marital home, my kids rarely want to stay as they prefer their own home, I can't afford am xbox or tvs etc for my spare room, it's so unfair, my credit rating is awful due to loans taken out during marriage

NeverGuessWho I moved out and it didn't affect the financial settlement, but I moved out with my DD... Had she stayed with my ex, it would have had a massive impact.

My top tip re solicitors is to ask Women's Aid for recommendations. They gave me two names and recommended one in particular, and she was excellent. Didn't make a difference to the finances I don't think, but she was experienced with abusive men and had the measure of ex very quickly and did her best to protect me from him.

@Vgtasd. It's an absolutely horrible situation. I'm at breaking point. But I can't speak out. I'm so so scared though that I'm going to snap.
The frustrating thing for me is no matter what I do I'm wrong. I even moved into a 2 bedroom flat recently because my daughter told me to but its still not good enough. The first thing her mum did when I left the family home was put sky in my daughter's bedroom.

That’s a very good call MonaChopsis.

It really does sound like financial abuse. And you’re doing great, you sound very resolved.

Op. Are you aware that even permanently deleted photos can be recovered ??

If your dad buys a house make sure it is not available n your name too as it f it is it counts as an asset.If you move and rent you are OK.
Write down all you can remember about the ISAs(who they were held with).Get a couple who f estate agents to value the property when your husband is not around and get a new email address for correspondence to be sent to.This means that if he offers a ridiculously small amount to buy you out you refuse.
I moved out as I didn't want the marital home to live in.Financially the look at your assets,his assets and divide it ensuring that you both have enough for housing.
But most of all once you are out you will see more clearly and be able to deal with him better.
The self employed bit is a pita though as they can hide a lot,not the houses though and any income he has from them.
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