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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Being paid for sex by ex??

29 replies

Chuffaluffa · 27/12/2019 00:36

So my husband (separated) turns up today and again expects to watch me get dressed/in the shower etc, despite knowing I’m dating someone, and my mum even telling him I need privacy just a few weeks ago. Then tells me he was serious in our pub jokes the other day, and asks if he could pay me for no-strings sex. He knows I’m skint, and has openly told me he’ll pay as little as he can for the children once we move out of the marital home, as that’s the only way he can afford to keep it (not entirely true, if at all).

Question is, I’ve just told my new partner and he was absolutely disgusted, and said it speaks massively of my husband feeling that he owns me and that I’m still his, and that I should maybe be more concerned than I am. He thinks most women would be warning me about this type of behaviour- is he right? I’m so numb to it, Christmas has been awful, I’m just putting a brave face on for the kids, I’m trying not to let anything in. How would you feel?

Also, merry Christmas, ho ho effing ho (unfortunate turn of phrase!)

OP posts:
Savingforarainyday · 27/12/2019 00:47

It is disgusting.
Don't let your ex in.

Otter71 · 27/12/2019 07:33

Do you have a solicitor? I think you need to be keeping a record of this at least. And ideally start ringing the police if he turns up.
How old are the kids? Would they tolerate your mum or do staying at home a few nights just for it to be someone else telling him to go away? What do the kids think of it?
Contact your local women's centre. They are good at support for women leaving such abusive relationships and will help you get support to rebuild.
Good luck.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/12/2019 07:37

It's sexual abuse and coercive control. It's against the law.

BillywilliamV · 27/12/2019 07:38

Solicitor and change the locks, block him on everything except an email address set up specifically for the purpose.
Take comfort from the fact that there is absolutely no doubt that getting rid of this shit is the right thing to do!

surlycurly · 27/12/2019 07:40

No matter how skint you are, that will never be the answer. If you ever did he'd use it against you for the rest of your life. He's a vile human being and you need to run as far away from him as you can

Weenurse · 27/12/2019 07:44

He sounds a bit unhinged , your Ex.
If he has a key, take it off him.

lifeisgoodagain · 27/12/2019 07:46

It's abuse.

Original poster
Chuffaluffa · 27/12/2019 09:09

Thank you everybody, similar reactions to the new man. My ex says that losing physical contact with me will destroy him, he’s told me three times this week that he wants to kill himself, and if I get annoyed (he uses my parents for his emotional support because he doesn’t have anyone else, and this week he’s told them something really inflammatory and untrue, so I said it’s not ok for him to put them in the middle, especially not with things that are untrue and that would upset them, at effing Christmas ffs), he has been verbally abusive, calling me a nasty bitch. When I write it down it seems awful, but when I’m actually with him I spend all of my time and energy supporting him, trying to make him feel better, he’s totally lost. Has he done this to my head? Is this all manipulation? I tell everyone he’s a lovely man and we just weren’t working, but am I wrong? I don’t know what’s going on any more.

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 27/12/2019 09:12

He's not a lovely man.
He has trampled all over your boundaries much that you can't see how awful his behaviour is.
Whilst I'm sure you are a lovely and attractive person, he won't die as a result of not having sex with you.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/12/2019 09:13

HE uses your parents for emotional support?
He's abusing you and sounds like has sucked your parents in to abusing you too.

Ohyesiam · 27/12/2019 09:15

Yes it’s all manipulation. Get your power back by documenting all this, getting a solicitor, and changing the locks.

RandomMess · 27/12/2019 09:20

This is all more abuse, you and your DP need to grey rock him.

He THREATENS suicide as a means to control, he has zero intention of it, it gets you running around after him giving him all the attention!

Why on earth would you let him watch you shower and change 🤮

TooTrueToBeGood · 27/12/2019 09:20

You really need to tell your parents the ugly truth about him. He is abusive and because you've shielded your parents from what he's really like you have enabled him to use them as tools in his abuse of uou. Please take away his control. Empower your parents with the truth so they can support you. Stop letting him into your home. Cut contact with him to the absolute minimum necessary. Stop feeling sorry for him, he doesn't deserve your sympathy.

nameymcnamechangeagain · 27/12/2019 09:31

Would you find it acceptable if your new partner was going round to his ex house and watching her get changed and have a shower? I’ve been a victim of mental abusive and control but I cannot fathom how you could think this was normal or ok and I cannot imagine how you are able to have a new relationship with this going on? Do you just casually tell dp that’s x came round to watch you shower today and he’s just ok with that? Completely and utterly bizarre.

Queenoftheashes · 27/12/2019 09:39

Oh wow this is terrible. Stop supporting him!

Original poster
Chuffaluffa · 27/12/2019 09:53

No he’s definitely not ok with it, but my ex owns the house and I feel powerless. Plus any time I say anything to my ex about it being inappropriate his reaction is so extreme. To be honest I’m worn down by it all. I’m just emotionally utterly drained. My new partner has shown me a completely other life, one where I’m not trapped in a relationship where I give and don’t give anything back, but I’m surrounded by disapproval. It’s all just exhausting, I’ve put all my energy into Christmas, my ex provided money then tried to claim some of it back, accuse me of spending it on my new partner etc, it’s just all manipulative ways of controlling me. But no one on the outside sees any of it, his family think I’ve broken his heart.

OP posts:
Selfsettling3 · 27/12/2019 09:57

Next time he says he is going to kill himself. Contact the police and tell them you are concerned for his welfare. I bet he will soon stop pulling that shit.

Selfsettling3 · 27/12/2019 09:58

Get a lock for the bathroom door.

RandomMess · 27/12/2019 10:00

Absolutely a bolt on the bathroom door!!!

RandomMess · 27/12/2019 10:01

If he currently isn't living in the house apply for a residency order and to change the locks until the finances are sorted and you move out?

Original poster
Chuffaluffa · 27/12/2019 10:01

My dad said he’d do that for me if I need him to, I’ll tell him I do need him to. Thanks everyone, I feel like I’m going mad, he makes me feel like his behaviour is completely normal. I’m a supposedly intelligent woman, I have no idea how I’ve got myself in this mess.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 27/12/2019 10:02

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

RandomMess · 27/12/2019 10:09

My DH never watches me in the shower or get changed unless he happens to be in bed when I get changed in the morning or evening.

It really is creepy/predatory behaviour.

Original poster
Chuffaluffa · 27/12/2019 10:18

He never bothered watching when we were married 🙄

OP posts:
rosieposies · 27/12/2019 10:25

Erm 😐 that's grim. Agree with pp about calling the police to do a welfare check.

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