Anyone able to talk me through the process?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

Hi,
I know there are many threads on this, but if anyone is able to support me with all the questions I have, it would be much appreciated.
To start with, I haven’t told DH yet that I want to separate and divorce. If I wrote down my story though, I think that it would be agreed by most that it is the right and only conclusion. I don’t need the emotional support for the moment - I have a good therapist - but how it works in practice, I have no idea. Please don’t offer any ‘doormat’ comments. I am well aware of how stupid I will be perceived.
He will not agree easily. He is financially and emotionally controlling. Married 13 years, cohabitating for around 20. 2 primary aged DC. No family locally. Both work full time. He earns about double what I earn. 4 bed house. I don’t know what the equity is...

Question 1: Please forgive my cluelessness. He has been in complete control of all finances for many years. When I tell him I want to divorce, can I move out with the children into rental if I can afford it? I will have to continue paying my half of the mortgage?

Question 2: When I engage a solicitor, how do I start and what will I need to know beforehand? I literally know what’s on my pay slip and nothing else. That goes into joint account.

There will be more questions, if anyone feels able to help. Thanks.

Sorry to hear your marriage has turned out this way. Don’t feel stupid, although people talk about money being joint in a marriage, it really isn’t. If someone doesn’t want to share the only thing that compels it is divorce. You have seen the light.

Depending on your situation, now is the time to make some important decisions and to do that you need information. It may be impossible to find but can you try to establish

• how much he earns
• if he has a pension or personal investments and savings
• what debt he holds, car finance etc
• the equity in your home, speak to the lender if you have to. If this isn’t possible use zoopla or another similar site to work out the value now and at purchase From that you may be able to get a rough estimate of equity.

What you are doing now is working out just how much money you may come away with. Be conservative in your planning but not negotiations.

The biggest assets are going to be pensions and the house. Getting control of the house gives you leverage. It’s not recommended that you leave. But he will get the same advice. If he is stubborn he might try to stay. This is where you could benefit from legal action to compel him to move out. It might not work if he can’t afford it.

There is great gains for both of you in being realistic about the outcome of the divorce. Otherwise you will waste money on solicitors and courts. You will both be worse off initially but the quicker you both start to build financial independence the better.

He may go into bullying and blustering mode. Don’t engage, let him work it out or pay a solicitor to talk him down. But he isn’t in control of this. It can be something you jointly negotiate or it can be a settlement imposed by a judge.

Thanks for such a supportive and detailed reply.
It is going to be very hard to get that information I think, although he has it very clearly set out on spreadsheets that I don’t have access to.
Is this what mediation is supposed to help with? I don’t think he’d agree to go, unless a solicitor or friend advised him to I guess.
I had a fantasy of moving into affordable rental so I could deal with it all without having to deal with him and the emotional abuse (of children and me), but I know you’re right and that I need to stay in the house. I HATE the house!

If you can afford to move out then I would.

But that’s not legal advice. That’s just me thinking what is sensible. He can’t stop you moving out. And then you’re free.

Not 100% free. Lots still to come. But free in the sense he’s not around you all the time.

If you earn enough to support yourself I’d be less interested in money and more interested in getting out.

I have a counselling session next week and will find a solicitor for some advice first, I think, before I say anything. I will survive the awful atmosphere until then at least. The emotional abuse isn’t affecting me any more, now I have made this decision. It will, of course, continue to affect the children.
I do earn enough to support myself, but not to give my children the lifestyle that he can. The freedom from him is very tempting but he will use every loophole he can to screw me over I think.

Can he stop me moving the children out with me?

You can usually get an hours free advice from a solicitor to get you started.

If you think you won't want the house if you got it in the divorce then see what you're options are if it was sold.

I did not want to stay in our house either and we sold it and split the money. We were fairly amicable though.

You can go on zoopla and put in your address and get an approximate value of the house then minus the remaining mortgage and you'll know the equity (roughly).

For mediation you need to do an initial appointment called a MIAM where they explain it all then you both go away fill in a financial disclosure form. You need to provide bank statements and evidence of pensions etc. Then they draw it all up into a summary and you agree who gets what.

Be warned it can be a bugger to get yr ex to fill in the form. Mine wouldn't do it (I chased him for a year!!) in the end we just had a chat and agreed something between us. I got a solicitor to write it up. I kept all my pension and savings he kept his debts. Got a decent payment agreed each month for my dd. This only worked because we were amicable though.

I think finding out your options if you do leave will be a good first step. Sounds to me like it would do your mental health a lot of good and sometimes you can't put a price on that!

As regards moving the children. There is an order called a prohibitive steps order he could apply for but I think they are usually granted in cases where the children are being moved long distances. Would you be staying reasonably close to where you are?

I intend to stay in the same town. I’m not discounting the clearly sensible advice above, but just expressing a fantasy I guess - ideally I would move into a little house, furnish it as MINE, do what I want (of course with the children at the heart of that) and leave him in this massive, uncomfortable house that I never wanted! But of course I can’t really do that as I wouldn’t be able to leave him with all the work required to sell it - even though I’ve always done that with other houses we’ve moved from. Rambling, sorry.

from a divorce perspective you are equal owner of all property and debts in either of your names; equity in the house, pension pots, savings, investments, expensive cars, credit card bills, the lot. Do you have any idea at all what size the mortgage is? How are your day to day finances arranged? You can go into a branch of your joint account bank and ask for a printed statement if you don’t have online access.

Your Stbx will have to complete a financial declaration as part of the divorce - do you think he will be honest in this?

Check out wikivorce for good basic information.

Also, maybe focus on separation to start with rather than divorce: if you can support yourself and the kids then getting space from him and giving yourself time to find your inner roar will help you make sure you get a fair deal.

Hi there sorry you are going through this

I am divorced but no children involved.

If there is abuse would a refuge help? Then you will be somewhere he can't find you.

Regarding the house if it's not in both names that's tricky. Mine was brought before my marriage so I told exh to leave as wasn't going to risk him taking claim to the home (was a very short marriage also abusive)

Solicitors will give you a initial meeting for free and also you H will have to fill out a form declaring all his income etc

Can you go to the council for help regarding renting somewhere?

Congratulations on your decision. You shouldn’t feel stupid for being in the dark because another person has made sure you don’t have this information.

If he’s financially controlling, then it’s possible he takes money out of your joint account and puts it into another account.

I would make an appointment with the bank the joint account is with and go in with all your ID and ask them to show you what’s in the account. They will be able to print off statements for you there. If it’s a joint account it’s your account too.

I’d also be having a really good look at everything I could at home. You need as much information as you can get.

Thanks, this is all really helping.
I won’t need council or refuge support as I earn enough to rent on my own. The abuse is ‘only’ emotional/ financial.
Hard to do all this as he is around next week on holiday, then we’re all back at school/ work the week after.
I’ll try to get a solicitor near work I think (about an hour from home), or at least half way.
I’ve been very isolated, but it’s turning out that I have more very good friends than I thought I had, so I think practical help will not be too much of a problem.

Might send the passports with my mum when she goes home tomorrow.
There is a niggling feeling that it could turn very nasty. I’m hoping that’s just stress talking.

I've only got one piece of advice, which I wish I had had someone to tell me in my divorce. Get snooping! As many financial things as you can find - copy them! A photo will do and then upload it into the cloud. Then at least if he's dishonest, which seems to be your gut feeling, you can whip out some ammo.

Who does most of the childcare? Courts support parents sharing care however a common pattern is every other weekend and midweek visit. 50% of holidays and alternative Christmas.

It is very common for abusive men to fight for residency as they know it's important to the mother and it also has the side affect of reducing financial support.

Getting access to finance info is probadly the most important challenge you will have. Does he store info at home for pension, mortgage & pension?

The divorce process starts by one party applying for a divorce, costs are circa £550, if under 2 years, it will need to be under unreasonable behaviour grounds. This makes no difference to the financial or childcare arrangements. First stage is nisi. To get the Absolute you will need to agree childcare arrangements and finances.

An amicable couple might be able to work this out between themselves (after both seeing a solicitor initially) and then get the information submitted to court for approval.

A couple who are both reasonable but may have areas of contention could use mediation as a way to get agreement as the sessions are facilitated by a 3rd party.

However if you are dealing with a controlling person, they are usually not reasonable and the divorce will be high conflict. If this is the situation you start with seeing a solicitor, followed by mediation sessions and if this fails you have to apply to court to get agreement.

I under estimated Ex and assumed he would be reasonable so went to mediation but since I was divorcing because he was abusive that was naive! You have to go to mediation however prior to court.

Had I known he would have been so vindictive and vicious I would have selected a different solicitor (one who knew high conflict individuals) and kept my cards very close to my chest.

He can't stop YOU moving out but he could decide he is the main carer and make an application to court for residency. If that happens then CAFCASS are appointed to assess the wishes of the children and make a recommendation to court.

First step is see a solicitor just to help shape your thpughts a strategy. Get a solicitor who will fight your corner, someone said on here.."a solicitor who you wouldn't want to have an argument with", very good advice as my solicitor was just lovely and couldn't handle Ex's hostility.

If he is controlling he is unlikely to be reasonable therefore the journey to divorce will be longer however you can get there. Many if us have gone through it and are happier as a result so it is definitely worth it.

He absolutely isn’t the main carer, hasn’t prepared a meal for the children in years and puts them to bed once in a blue moon. If I’m out. Who knows what he would claim to be though! I am almost certain he wouldn’t fight for residency. He doesn’t even ask the children how their day was!

Zoople will tell you how much you paid for the house, and the value now.

Take a day off when you go back to work or even call in sick if you have to. Take a photo of any areas you are going to look in before you look so you can put things back where they go. Then look for paperwork and photograph everything you can find. Actual paperwork and anything on any computers too.

Maybe use or buy an actual camera in case your phone photos can be accessed.

I have emotionally detached, so my mental health is bearable.
I can open a new bank account without him knowing, can’t I? It would be for my parents to put in small amounts of cash so I can pay e.g solicitor, rental deposit when needed etc.
If I did move out, well before a divorce was settled (because I can’t cope with living here for two years!), would I still be able to access joint money? Or is that a dumb question? We have credit cards (paid off each month, no card debt). I think my salary goes into my own account and then a certain amount is transferred to the joint account for mortgage etc. Maybe I could somehow stop his access to that account (mine)? He has all the passcodes though.
I know how utterly clueless I am coming across. But thinking like this has lifted the most enormous weight, knowing there is a way out.
I don’t want drama for the children. I need it to be as clean as possible so I can support their emotional needs away from him.

Oh yes you will need to stop him having access to your own account. Do that BEFORE you tell him about the divorce. It’s your money and he shouldn’t have access to it (like you don’t have access to his!)

If you have CC in your name and he has a card, cancel those too. Otherwise he could spend on it and you would reliable to pay for whatever he has spent

How do I do that? Will the bank change the online codes or something for me? He has access to everything - probably even these posts if he was inclined to try to find them. That’s why I’m trying not to rock the boat...

But please go and see a solicitor first because you leaving the house might not be the right choice. As the other and the primary career jf two primary she school
Children, it is usually advised for you to keep the house. Obviously there is the issue of him agreeing to leave...,

Yes you will need to contact the bank and start by telling g them you want to stop him from having access. They will change codes etc... I would advise you to do that just before telling him if you are worried what will happen if he finds out.

I will see a solicitor first. I can’t manage the house - it’s too big. And he wouldn’t leave, I’m sure of it!