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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Ex DH refusing to do Christmas please help advise..

32 replies

Winona45 · 04/12/2019 11:50

DH and I separated in july. He's staying at his mother's who is bed bound upstairs. He has the rest of the house.
He doesn't work and has become practically reclusive.
I do not know what the hell to do about Christmas.
We have 3 dc 8 to 16 .
Eldest text him as they are seeing him on Saturday for the first time in a month asking if he is getting a tree and can they help him decorate it.
His response is that hes "doing nothing for Christmas. No tree, no decorations. None of it means shit to me after your mum threw me out "
Dd tried to encourage but hes saying he intends to have " the tv off, curtains drawn and music on loud "
He said come over if you want but the day means nothing to me anymore.

What the hell do i do. DD is furious and thinks he is being selfish. My poor 8 year old ds is going to be so confused.
He had initially asked for them xmas day but has been texting so many horrible things about me to the kids i said we needed to reconsider as the dc are starting to not want to see him.
What the hell do i do ??
I know he's hurt and unhappy about the breakup, bloody hell im struggling too, but his level of depression and misery is something else.
Do i tell him he has to make a fuss or just call his bluff and don't send the poor kids round there ?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 04/12/2019 11:53

Call his bluff OP and enjoy your first christmas as a family without him.Xmas Smile

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/12/2019 11:55

Don't send them round there. Why would you? He's said "come over if you want but the day means nothing to me"

Ignore his comments, make a lovely Christmas for them at your house and don't get drawn into his circumstances.

MumofTinies · 04/12/2019 11:55

Wow, what a shitty way for him to talk to your 16 year old. In your shoes OP I would keep them home, don't let him spoil the build up to thier Christmas.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 04/12/2019 11:55

I agree. Call his bluff/let him get on with it and plan your own christmas.

HotPenguin · 04/12/2019 11:59

All you can do is make a nice Xmas at your house and help the children understand that their father doesn't want to do xmas. You can't make him do xmas. I would be concerned about him directly texting the 8yo saying unpleasant stuff, I would take that phone away as 8 is too young to deal with that. Unless it is just the older child he is texting? Your eldest is old enough to make her own choice about whether to visit him or not at Xmas, but I wouldn't send the 8yo if you think it is going to be miserable.

Original poster
Winona45 · 04/12/2019 12:00

I think i will.
Honestly he knows exactly how to make me feel shit.
Alm in going to be bloody thinking about on xmas day us him sitting there alone feeling sad.
Thats not my responsibility though i keep trying to tell myself but its so hard !

OP posts:
Original poster
Winona45 · 04/12/2019 12:01

Its only the teens that get the messages. Ds doesn't have a phone at 8 yet .

OP posts:
Bartlet · 04/12/2019 12:01

He’s being selfish and unpleasant. Don’t try to cajole him into being a better person - it’s not your role. . Protect your children from him and get on with creating new happy Christmas traditions without him.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 04/12/2019 12:05

He’s an attention seeking toddler. You do nothing. You ignore him. Don’t send the children over. Keep them at home and have a wonderful happy Christmas with them. Don’t pay him the attention he wants.

Icanflyhigh · 04/12/2019 12:13

Keep your DCs with you, let him wallow in his own self pity and enjoy your first family Christmas without the selfish beast.

Prepare for the onslaught of guilt inducing texts where he tells you or DD that he's going to be all alone etc (this has just started this year with my exH)

Ignore them all, have a wonderful time x

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/12/2019 12:20

DO NOT feel sorry for him sitting all alone and sad. That's his choice. He could have chosen to host a big merry xmas dinner for his kids and family. But he didn't did he.

Original poster
Winona45 · 04/12/2019 13:51

@Icanflyhigh i know the texts will arrive. Dd1 is likely to ignore them but dd2 will worry and feel bad. As do i.
I just don't know how to switch off from him, its making me ill. Sad

OP posts:
ChristmasFairyDogsOfThigh · 04/12/2019 13:56

It's not your job to make him happy. He can choose to make Christmas enjoyable for his dc. If he chooses not to, that his choice. Do not get sucked into his dramas. Easier said than done, i know, but your responsibility is to yourself and your dc. Don't let him ruin your Christmas.

Icanflyhigh · 04/12/2019 14:02

My ExH left over 5 years ago so this will be the 6th xmas without him. I have an amazing DP and it is our turn to have the DCs this year - I refuse to do the splitting xmas day in half thing as a) it's my birthday too and b)he either turns up early or brings them back late.

ExH lives with his mother, and I know he has already started trying to make the DCs feel guilty as he is on his own. DD1 is 15 and just about has the measure of him, but DD2 is 10 and will be very easily swayed. DS is 7 and wants to please everyone.

I'm waiting for him to start with "but your mum won't be on her own she has DP with her and I don't have a DP because your mum made me get rid of her" (huge back story, won't bore you with it!)

I would suggest blocking his number from DD2 phone if you can, or try and chat with her in a way that doesn't slag him off IYKWIM.
Explain what he is likely to say etc.

Try not to let it stress you out though. He is achieving his objective if you are panicking about it.

As hard as it is, smile sweetly as you delete his texts :-)

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/12/2019 14:07

Could you invite him to yours for xmas day?

Cloudyapples · 04/12/2019 14:13

Hey kids we are having a digital free Christmas! Phones all in this shoebox Christmas Eve and then distract then with Christmas films and food

Original poster
Winona45 · 04/12/2019 14:19

I really would have considered inviting him here but i haven't seen him since he left in July and its been horrendous. The circumstances of the break up are largely due to his state of mind, mental health issues and severe paranoia. Much similes to the end of the world thread that is on mumsnet at the moment.
He has been very unpleasant about me to the dc and I've received lots of texts telling me i had better not start seeing xy and z person or he'll take my son etc. Its all in his head, im not seeing anyone, no one is out to get him. So honestly, inviting him over seems a huge no no.

He would also get mixed messages i think as he's desperate to reconcile

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 04/12/2019 14:22

Just do Christmas at your house for you and your kids. Have a lovely time and let him mope about at his mum's.

He's your ex. Behaviour like this is no longer your problem and not something your children should have to deal with either.

Beveren · 04/12/2019 14:26

I just don't know how to switch off from him, its making me ill.

Just shrug your shoulders and tell yourself that if if he wants to be a sulky child you may as well leave him to it.

Get a separate cheap phone for communicating with him and tell him you've lost yours, block him from your phone, and only use the second one for essential communications.

Butterymuffin · 04/12/2019 14:29

Keep them home with you, for their own good. He's an adult and not your responsibility anymore.

MissDew · 04/12/2019 14:32

Just do Christmas at your house for you and your kids. Have a lovely time and let him mope about at his mum's.

This^

Could you take them to their Dad's, those that want to go. Say to the children they only have to stay for an hour. Or is that not a good idea, or not practical. Not worth the aggro of, 'she's only letting me have the children for an hour on Christmas Day.'

It will so awful at their Dad's they will be gagging to come home.

Just pop over in the late afternoon for a limited amount of time. I'm assuming most of the fun will have been had by then. Although there will have to be one sober driver though !

Please don't hand my arse to me on a plate, it's only a suggestion.

lifeisgoodagain · 04/12/2019 14:35

Mine is coming around but I'm setting time boundaries, it's a really tough thing being the first Christmas. He left me though

dreichXmas · 04/12/2019 14:38

Why would you send the dc round there?

Have Xmas with the dc at your house and offer for them to visit on Boxing Day.
If he isn't celebrating Xmas which is completely his choice then there is no reason for dc to visit.
They can catch up with him the day after.

AdaColeman · 04/12/2019 14:38

It's all passive aggressive emotional blackmail from him really.
He's doing it deliberately to make you feel awful and ruin Christmas for you and the children.

The best way of dealing with it is ignore, ignore and then ignore some more.
Don't get involved, don't engage.

Start planning the best Christmas that you can for you and the children, and don't make space for him in your plans.

As for his Christmas, he is an adult, he can do whatever he wants for Christmas, and it's certainly not your responsibility to bring Christmas cheer into his life.

Savingshoes · 04/12/2019 14:45

In your position I would be more sad about how my elderly bed bound mil was going to enjoy the festive season with that misery closing curtains and putting loud music on in her home. Xmas Sad
The children should stay home for Christmas and enjoy a bar humbug free day. Xmas Grin
Then maybe they could pop round to turn the TV back on for Grandma and watch a festive film with her.

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