Ex DH refusing to do Christmas please help advise..

[Winona45]

DH and I separated in july. He's staying at his mother's who is bed bound upstairs. He has the rest of the house.
He doesn't work and has become practically reclusive.
I do not know what the hell to do about Christmas.
We have 3 dc 8 to 16 .
Eldest text him as they are seeing him on Saturday for the first time in a month asking if he is getting a tree and can they help him decorate it.
His response is that hes "doing nothing for Christmas. No tree, no decorations. None of it means shit to me after your mum threw me out "
Dd tried to encourage but hes saying he intends to have " the tv off, curtains drawn and music on loud "
He said come over if you want but the day means nothing to me anymore.

What the hell do i do. DD is furious and thinks he is being selfish. My poor 8 year old ds is going to be so confused.
He had initially asked for them xmas day but has been texting so many horrible things about me to the kids i said we needed to reconsider as the dc are starting to not want to see him.
What the hell do i do ??
I know he's hurt and unhappy about the breakup, bloody hell im struggling too, but his level of depression and misery is something else.
Do i tell him he has to make a fuss or just call his bluff and don't send the poor kids round there ?

His texts to the DC abusing you is surely parental alienation? It needs stopping for your DC MH sake.

Leave him to his self imposed misery at Christmas. Not your problem. Making yourself ill over something that is not your problem doesn't help anyone.

I would be putting my foot down about him upsetting the kids by text - that is abusive! You need to stand up to him and make him stop this! Block his number on everyone's phone and allow phonecalls at a set time when you are around until he can be an adult.

Keep copies of the texts in case you need them later

It is parental alienation and you could pursue that eg send a solicitors letter warning him to stop texting the dc in this way about you.

But it’s difficult with MH issues as DC can feel a need to care for their unwell parent. There are some online support groups and advice for older kids whose parents have mental illness and I think I would be explaining to the dc in a way appropriate to their age what the real problem is. Apart from that you can only encourage him to get help, keep any other close relatives on his side in the loop - does he have siblings - do they know the situation with DH / MIL?

I have seen a friend go through this and when ex mental health improved so did his relationship with his children but there were periods when it wasn’t safe for kids to go and when he couldn’t cope with them going.

I would leave it for him to ask to see them

Its unlikely children will ever want to completely walk away from their Dad but you can help them understand that it’s the mental illness and not anything they have done

I wouldn’t send kids without some knowledge of the situation so they know if they feel uncomfortable at all you will come and get them

My ex has depression and it did help when we broke up for the kids to understand why as his personality had changed such a lot and he was always ratty with them. It helped them not blame themselves

id be happy to be free from him and have DC to myself! happy christmas family -dead weight of a selfish dad

Ghastly man. Deliberately emotionally blackmailing you and massively being spiteful to the children. A "Look how you make me feel and YOU are making the children suffer."
A text saying, you respect his wish not to celebrate Christmas this year. You are going to give the dc a Christmas Day at your house. You will drop the dc presents to him on Boxing day.
If he replies he doesn't want any presents, text, I respect your wish not to receive gifts from the dc.
No apologies, no invitations, no alternatives, no negotiating.

Utterly vile behaviour from a DF to punish the dc.

Don’t spend any more time worrying about this selfish arsehole.

You do Christmas. Kids stay with you. He can be miserable twat on his own.

I would actually make a joke out of it with the kids and openly tell them Daddy is being a miserable old Scrooge / Grinch and tell them to leave him alone until after Christmas.

'Right kids, we need to talk about dad and Christmas. Splitting is sad for everyone, it's definitely been the right decision but it's even harder when there's a special occasion. I don't think dads dealing with it very well, he's not being kind and that's sad. I'd have hoped that we would split the days with dad but he's decided he doesn't want to do decorations or make the time special. I don't think we'll be able to change his mind so I think we'll do it his way this year. Hopefully next year he'll want to be part of it again. What about making him cards/presents and I'll drop them off for you. I am worried about him trying to make you feel guilty, please remember this is his decision that we're respecting. And it's ok for us still to have fun. '

And what about giving the kids a few stock replies for when he moans about Xmas.
'Ok dad, we'll see you after Christmas then' etc. They probably have no idea how to approach it