How to split STBXH's salary right after separation. Opinions, please.

[boringornot]

STBXH and I are separating in January. We've been together 16 years, married for 13, 2 DC, 9yo and 7yo. I've been a SAHM for 10 years, partly because he didn't do his share in the house and with the DC, leaving everything to me. I had post natal depression, anxiety, was not coping, difficult DCs, etc. We had no family nearby, or money to pay for help.

Relationship was abusive, some domestic violence. (For all these reasons I never managed to go back to work)

So, I'm moving to another country with the DC (with his authorization, of course) in January. We are currently in Germany, I'm going to Portugal (so, slightly cheaper). The DC are going to a private school. I will have no job in the beginning, obviously.

I spoke to a solicitor here in Germany and one in Portugal and both suggested I discuss maintenance with him and agree between us how much he will pay.

So, I thought of proposing sharing his salary 50/50 after paying for school. Is this too much?

I spent the last 10 years enabling his career, that's why I don't earn any money. Should I ask for more? For less? That would be for, say, 6 months. I hope to be back to work soon, and then we would talk about it again. I need input from people who are more experienced.

Coming out of an abusive relationship, I'm not used to be assertive with STBXH, so I need your help.

In the U.K. you aren't entitled to 50% of his salary - assets yes 50% is the starting point - you get a %/£ only based on how many children you have, his earnings and how custody is split

Are you German / Portuguese or English? This matters as whichever jurisdiction you have filed for divorce from then their legal system prevails

No idea what the legal position is in Germany/Portugal, did the solicitors tell you what the legal minimum you are likely to be entitled to?

That's the point, every country has a different minimum, in Portugal women usually don't get maintenance because they don't usually stop working. In Germany they do because it's normal for women to have a low paid part time job. We lived in the UK for 12 years, moved to Germany one year and a half ago.
I don't think there is a clear cut guideline for what I'm entitled, that's why both solicitors suggested STBXH and I should agree on something regardless the law.
I'm asking what people think is fair, because that will be my starting point.

No way you will get 50% of his salary. Even if he agrees to it, within a few years he will have moved on with a new partner/wife who won’t accept him giving away 50% of his money to his ex wife.

I think she'd just asking as a temporary measure, not permanent. I think if he's reasonable you should be able to work out your basic living costs and he should provide this. A father has an obligation to provide a roof over his child's head.

Even in the U.K. spousal maintenance is very rare and only really when there is a salary of millions involved

Maintenance payments are for the cost of raising the children not to facilitate not working even if it is only a temporary arrangement

Sounds like he will already be expected to foot the cost of the private schooling so I wouldn't be hopeful of getting a significant payment on top of that

As @worried said, it's supposed to be only for the first few months. So you all think that 50% is a lot, even for the very beginning.

What do you think would be fair?

Yes it's a lot if it's on top of private schooling? How much is that costing per month compared to what his monthly salary is?
I think In the U.K. for 2 kids the CMS calculation is around £400 a month if you're lucky on a mid range salary but that would likely include school fees but many people get a LOT less than that

Are they in private schools in Germany?

It really doesn't matter one jot what's fair. You need to budget on what's actually enforceable. I think it's batshit crazy to assume he's going to cough up for private school in the long run for kids he presumably rarely sees. He will get a new girlfriend and presto away goes every penny he can legally get away with. Trying to enforce an order between countries is even harder. You seem to have a lot of faith in a man who has been abusive and unsupportive until now. If he will agree to it I'd go for a clean break and take a lump sum. Private school is a bad idea if it's going to rely on him paying fees for the next ten years.

No one here knows what is fair as it completely depends on his earnings which you haven’t stated. If he earns 20k a month well maybe he can afford it. If he’s on 50k per year he really can’t.

What’s your assets like and what are your plans to return to work and become independent? You don’t need to say but here obviously but think about what a split if assets will look like plus standard child support.

Do you have a job lined up that starts in a few months ?

Excellent points, thanks a lot. The plan is that he will move to Portugal in the next year, so he will be close to DC.
I've thought that once he gets a girlfriend, things will get more complicated. But I'll cross that bridge when we get there.
I don't have a job lined up yet, and I'm a journalist, which is a rubbish profession at the moment. No chance I will be paid a decent salary.
STBHX's salary is good. 6 figure a year. Not a fortune, though.

well if I was your husband I wouldn’t be agreeing to that especially after paying schools fees too.

Again, if he earns 100k that would give him around £5k per month ( €6k?). However a 6 figure salary could also mean 999k......,..

Do you have accommodation etc lined up ? How are you intending to pay that?
Have you started divorce proceedings

Work out how much you'll need. Be realistic and make sure there's a contingency for emergency stuff.
Include everything like uniforms, clubs, car expenses etc

Start from there rather than an arbitrary percentage of his income.

The massive problem you have here is that the money you agree on will be given on his good will, this he could rescind at any time. Unless there is a court ruling of course, if he's been abusive do you think he will stand by his word?

You need to ensure he has enough to live on first, then child maintenance is based on the children's needs not yours, it's assumed you work, at those ages at least school hours (25 hours a week) the problem is that you have no benefits you can call upon I guess. I get just under 1/3 of his salary after tax and that's generous and because he's a highish earner (he can pay rent, bills and has a decent amount of discretionary income)

It's more like 6k or 5k per month (depending on tax brackets). Haven't started divorce proceedings yet.
There is no way I can pay rent + food by myself right now.

@feelingsinister that's what I calculated, roughly, and I think half his current salary will cover all this.

@bored I know I have no guarantees. That's why I'll look for a job as soon as I get there, but I know it won't be easy.

Is private school
In Portugal considerably cheaper than UK? Are there any assets to split?

Why don’t you go back to the UK where you would be entitled to help with housing and living costs at least for a while, plus child maintenance is non means tested??

Private school will be 1100 euros per month for both, so much cheaper than uk (and cheaper than the one we're paying for in Germany).

We have no assets at all. Rented house.

@missmarks because going back to London would be crazy expensive and we had a bad experience with state school there (and we can't afford private school in the UK).
I'm originally from Brazil, so Portuguese is my first language.

Spousal maintenance is typical in Germany where a spouse has given up or reduced their income to raise joint children, I believe she said 1/3 of his salary for 1/3 of the duration of the marriage again (so 5 years for a 15 year marriage, 7 for a 21 year marriage), according to my divorced German colleague. Her child is 19 but in full time education and she receives child and spousal maintenance. I don't know any other ins and outs but the expectations and enforcement are not the same as in the UK.

I suspect leaving Germany will be a disadvantage though.

I think you'd expect to get around 1800€ per month for 4 years of your ex earnt 100k before tax and deductions per year and you've been married 13 years.

I think you maybe better staying in germany - possibly until he is in a position to move to portugal - and starting procedures there? if teh children are in school why move in January?
if he's crap then out of sight could be out of mind an dteh chance sof you getting support frm a different country I would assume notthing....
why do you think you will be able to work in Portugal? I wouldnt move if I didnt have work with children.....why would theny need private school in portugal?

@agnesgrundy thanks a lot! That amount would be enough in the beginning - and I can use that as a reference.

I'm leaving Germany because I haven't learnt the language, I didn't settle at all, and I have no friends here. I have quite a few friends in Portugal and a better chance of finding work.

I know Germany is better for a divorced SAHM, though. But it happens precisely because it's hard for a woman with children to find full time work...