How to split STBXH's salary right after separation. Opinions, please.

[boringornot]

STBXH and I are separating in January. We've been together 16 years, married for 13, 2 DC, 9yo and 7yo. I've been a SAHM for 10 years, partly because he didn't do his share in the house and with the DC, leaving everything to me. I had post natal depression, anxiety, was not coping, difficult DCs, etc. We had no family nearby, or money to pay for help.

Relationship was abusive, some domestic violence. (For all these reasons I never managed to go back to work)

So, I'm moving to another country with the DC (with his authorization, of course) in January. We are currently in Germany, I'm going to Portugal (so, slightly cheaper). The DC are going to a private school. I will have no job in the beginning, obviously.

I spoke to a solicitor here in Germany and one in Portugal and both suggested I discuss maintenance with him and agree between us how much he will pay.

So, I thought of proposing sharing his salary 50/50 after paying for school. Is this too much?

I spent the last 10 years enabling his career, that's why I don't earn any money. Should I ask for more? For less? That would be for, say, 6 months. I hope to be back to work soon, and then we would talk about it again. I need input from people who are more experienced.

Coming out of an abusive relationship, I'm not used to be assertive with STBXH, so I need your help.

Personally I think it’s unrealistic to expect that amount especially if that’s as well as paying school fees. Still, you can but try

I think you’re looking at this backwards. Can he survive on half his salary minus school fees in Germany?

I'm not sure why putting putting a home for the children first is backwards, and it also isn't how German law works. It's not first consider what the now single man needs then see what's left to support the children, it's what do the children need first.

There is something called the Düsseldorfer Tabelle which provides legal minimum maintenance payments based on both parents income and number and ages of children.

But leaving Germany probably makes it unenforceable.

@agnesgrundy the solicitor told me the dusseldorf table calculates the amount for me and DC after the fixed expenses are paid. As we pay an expensive rent and expensive school, the amount left its very small.
That was part of the decision to move away (because long term plans were never to stay in Germany).

@alossaurusmum of course he will be able to live with what's left. That's why we didn't choose an expensive (international) private school in Portugal.

@AgnesGrundy because the only way she’s going to get school fees plus 50% is for him to agree. If he can’t pay his bills on the amount left to him he’s not going to agree to paying that amount. Where I live someone would really struggle to live on the amount he’d be left with due to high rents. And yes I know it’s going to be an even bigger struggle for Boringornot, but that’s probably not something an abusive man is going to care about.

I think you need to base yourself wherever the divorce laws are most favourable to you. You also need to investigate whether or not any court orders would be enforced internationally. All well and good getting generous terms in Country A, but if you move to Country B will you be able to enforce payment? Chances are the answer is no.

And it's all well and good him telling you that he'll follow on to Portugal but what assurance do you have that he'll actually follow through. What will you do if you move and he says he's decided not to?

When it comes to divorce, no matter how 'nice' or 'fair' you think your stbx is going to be, it's better to be safe than sorry. Especially when he's been abusive in the past.

boringornot I only know what my colleague told me, I've never been through it myself, but she said 1/3 of his income for 1/3 of the marriage duration again. Neither she nor her husband stayed in the marital home and both rented cheaper places so I'm not sure how "fixed" fixed costs are - we live in a very expensive part of Germany (she pays 1500€ per month for 3 rooms, which is where our conversation about housing costs started from - she's returned to work after 20 years because obviously she can't live and support their arguably adult but still at school son on 1/3 of his salary, plus she obviously won't have that income for ever - I assume he can live on 2/3 though, as even working she'll be living on less in total because of her drastically reduced earning power after 20 years without a paid job).

Presumably your children speak your mother tongue so arguably won't need a private school in Portugal - I have no idea how private school fees play into divorce settlements and it's entirely likely that the fees are removed from the income total before maintenance is calculated, meaning that you get 1/3 of his Net income after school fees. Worse case is of course if the private school fees are expected to come out of your 1/3, I have no idea.

Could the private schools be avoided?

The Dusseldorf table definitely has absolute minimum child maintenance payments not related to fixed costs, as well as higher variable amounts. So without spousal maintenance there's a minimum only for child maintenance of something like 900€ which he can't go below no matter what fixed costs he has.

@acrossthepond55 you make very important points. I thought about these things, but as I have a support network in Portugal, I think it's worth the risk (also, there's no guarantee that STBXH will stay in Germany if we do).

State schools may be an option in the future.

@agnesgrundy that's all very useful, thanks!

You want him to pay all school fees and then give you 50% of his wage?!

How is he meant to live himself?

Most judges favour clean break divorces. Especially if you are able to get a job and provide for yourself.

No way will child maintenance be 50% of his wage either.