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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Anyone seperated and still living together want to keep in touch through this process?

51 replies

Louise000000 · 28/10/2019 14:00

Just thought anyone in the same boat might like to keep in touch over the next few months and share how it's been so far and any issues etc
Although I told my husband on 17th September that I wanted out, I'd say it's probably this week that we have found a peace together and agreed to see how this will go living together and just being kind to each other, while living our seperate lives and Co parenting.
I'm already seeing positives ie he and kids are doing are lot more together and my oldest has said she enjoys their new Sunday routine together for example.

Therefore I get time to myself too which I am enjoying.
He's now accepted my decision and also accepts his part in the breakdown of the relationship.
I'm starting counselling at 5pm tonight so sort through my stuff.
I'm in a positive place today. While I know tomo could be different, I'll enjoy this while it lasts!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 30/10/2019 22:10

I believe I checked out my marriage in Aug last year when I was in hospital all morning with my 2 year old who was having an operation on his hand (general anaesthetic and 2 hour operation )
We’ve left the hospital and collected dh and he wanted to all go so he could by some weed before we went home.
I hated him that day and I am sure that's when I started checking out and thinking as me and kids as one unit and then him doing his own thing as he always did! I stopped caring and I stopped loving him so although I'm sad for him, I'm feeling fine in myself as it's been a long time to get to this point!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 30/10/2019 22:14

@nighowl I'm not too sure but I know I have that security! Would actually love my own space, been with dh since 21 I'm excited to think about being on my own and free for a while!!
I'm feeling a bit like the genie in aladdin when he's freed from the lamp! (Or at least I will be feeling like that in the near furure hopefully!)

OP posts:
LifeContinuesToChallengeMe · 30/10/2019 22:24

Following this with interest! We have been living together since we separated about 3 years ago. It's going well. Sometimes it's as though we are still together. Just separate rooms. He didn't want to move out. It's going pretty well!

Original poster
Louise000000 · 30/10/2019 22:27

@lifecontinuestochallengeme how has this worked with either of you having someone else? Do you have kids?

OP posts:
GoatsBroccoli · 30/10/2019 22:40

@Nighowl that's such a tough situation. Do you think he'd agree to you having a percentage share that would allow you to find a suitable house for you and the kids?I'm going through similar but we've not long since bought our first home so there's not a lot of equity and decided a mesher order would work OK for us.
Hope it work out ok for you

atr79gb · 30/10/2019 22:41

It's refreshing to hear that this works for some people.

I'm not saying this can't work in every case. In my case, I felt I just ended up being taken advantage of, as I was still providing everything financially but no longer in a loving relationship. I think as long as you know the ground rules, this could work out fine.

I'd be interested to hear how this works out for people if either spouse meets someone new.

LifeContinuesToChallengeMe · 30/10/2019 22:53

We have children. I have been in one semi serious relationship and a few casual. I go to theirs. It is an issue with new people tbh. But he couldn't afford to live alone. And although we are no longer a couple I still love him (in a non romantic way) so couldn't see him miserable living with his parents.

Oakleaf40 · 31/10/2019 07:26

Night owl. I feel the same. How can this person be a complete stranger to me. He has now purchased a Caravan so he can live in it. We have space to put it up out of view of people etc and he seems very happy with that!! Shock he says we can.live next to each other and after we sort our finances he will find a place. I feel stuck.in a loop. Cant move out as we need to sort out all the finances etc. His side in particular as he is self employed so we need each other to pay the bills.

Oakleaf40 · 31/10/2019 08:08

Its very difficult. I really dnt know how its should be done really. Do you still cook for each other? Do you clean their washing? Etc. Such a big mind field.

atr79gb · 31/10/2019 08:44

We've been living like this for more than 18 months.

At the moment, my wife stays at home and does most of the cooking and cleaning and I go to work every day.

The problem I have with this arrangement is that it's not in her best interests to get divorced so I ended up supporting her financially as a husband but living together as a flatmate. I sleep in a child's bed as that's the only other bed available.

I can see this arrangement working if you set out strict boundaries, e.g. separate finances etc and are both willing to progress the separation and divorce.

Oakleaf40 · 31/10/2019 11:09

Thank you. X

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 13:07

@Oakleaf40 he says not to cook for him. But it seems silly if I’m cooking bit to make some for dh too so I do some days and he does eat but takes it into another room...just seen he’s changed his wages to go go to his own account and has transferred half to the joint account. I’d have no problem with this but think it should be discussed.,last month before we decided to separate he transferred the mortgage to his own account and when I asked why was told it’s none of my business!!

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 13:25

How will you all do xmas? I’ve said we should still get joint presents for the kids but I’m the one who always sorts out and buys the presents.

Oakleaf40 · 31/10/2019 13:51

I do similar, although he tries to get me to make him stuf, he even asked me the other day to pop to the shop to get him some coffee as he ran out. I think my face said it all!! AngryGrin. We haven't discussed Christmas yet. The finance part is tricky because he gets annoyed if I ask or question anything he does with the money. In my eyes if we are both putting the money in a joint account still then if either one of us is buying anything we should at least tell each other out of respect etc.

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 21:25

I’m having a really bad day - I’ve written another post husband wants kids 50% of the time. My children are my life everything I do revolves around them. He’s sorted his job so he can have them and said he then won’t pay maintenance. Am I wrong to say no? I said two nights a week and every other weekend... he said he will tell them when they are older I wouldn’t let him have them 50% if the time..... just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse .......

atr79gb · 31/10/2019 22:10

How does it work with child maintenance payments for 50/50 custody? Looking at the child maintenance calculator, you would still be expected to pay child maintenance?

The reason I ask is that I'm planning on pushing for 50/50 custody. However, in my case 50/50 custody is essentially the same as the arrangements we currently have in place for the children currently.

What I would say is that if your arrangements for the children are not 50/50 currently and your spouse suddenly wants 50/50 custody, this might not be in the childrens' best interests. I think it's best to have custody arrangements that are similar to the current arrangement. Obviously, I don't know the full history of your own situation.

Nighowl · 31/10/2019 22:15

I do 90% of the childcare ( probably more) now..... he wants to go 50/50 pay no maintenance and take half the equity.

atr79gb · 31/10/2019 22:45

This might sound cynical, but 50/50 is probably not in your children's interests if they are used to a 90/10 split.

Is this just a tactic to avoid paying child maintenance? Again, apologies if I don't know the whole situation.

Sleepyhead19 · 31/10/2019 22:53

I’ve been separated from my ex and living together for about 3 years. There were times I thought we might make another go of it but I can’t forgive things he did because he isn’t sorry.
It’s been horrible. We did it for the kids. It was also better financially to stay living together.
He is leaving at the end of next month. I can’t do it anymore. I’m just too unhappy.

Oakleaf40 · 01/11/2019 09:28

I would get straight on the phone to the Citizens Advice. Get some solid advice from them.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 01/11/2019 14:55

@sleepyhead19 jeez 3 years!! I'm struggling to imagine this till next year!!
Its a bit like living in limbo I find.
You will feel a weight off when he is gone!

OP posts:
Sleepyhead19 · 01/11/2019 18:43

@Louise000000 yes it’s not the life I dreamt of for sure. I’m now having a new baby alone (was told I couldn’t have more kids and a week of thinking we were trying again led to this) but that’s better than having someone here who tells me they don’t love me and won’t support me other than financially. He was working abroad when I had my youngest so I know I’m strong enough and able enough to do this. I’m not worried about doing it alone, just a bit sad I don’t have anyone to share it with.
I feel really good about him leaving. It is certainly a relief and I think I can be myself again at last. I don’t remember the last time I was really happy. I know this will help hugely.

Oakleaf40 · 04/11/2019 11:59

I have had an awful few days. Living together is complete hell. I know hes now talking to OW,he said they are friends etc but its none of my business anymore. its breaking my heart. How on earth do I cope while still being in the same house. Am I bring unrealistic to think that it's only been 10mths and he thinks it's ok to start taking to OW? Please help.

Nighowl · 06/11/2019 22:43

@Oakleaf40 I think it’s totally disrespectful whilst you’re still living together. I can’t even imagine wanting to date anyone right now. Has he moved into the caravan yet? Will that be long term, as even that’s pretty close and the he’d have to come back into the house to see the kids??? It’s very tough ☹️

Sleepyhead19 · 06/11/2019 22:55

My ex cheated then was seeing someone after we broke up who demanded I stopped working overtime because it interfered with their relationship. The problem was, we were struggling financially and couldn’t do without that money. It infuriated me than she even suggested it when she had no idea why I was working every hour possible.
It’s just too hard to date whilst living together.

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