So raw

[2littleChicks]

My husband has said it's over. We've got two DDs 4&7.
He's always been controlling but dressed up as "what's best for me".
I genuinely did everything I could to make this work and made myself ill trying to be perfect.
He waited until the day after my 30th birthday to tell me it was over. I've lost all dignity begging and pleading for him to try but he's done. For me it sounded so final without any reason.
I begged him to go counselling with me and he refused.
So many points in the day I feel like I can't cope. I can't do this to the kids. Neither of us can afford to run the home by ourselves so we are at a stalemate over who leaves. Currently I'm on the sofa and the tension is unbearable.
He regularly uses my phone (to go through it) and logged into his google account. I saw his internet search history. It told me everything I needed to know.
Secretly checked his messages and he's having a liaison with a woman at work. He's been there three years, how long has this gone on for.
He's also signed up to dating sites, bought expensive gifts I've never seen (but borrows money from me) and watches a ton of porn.

Christmas is coming up and every day I feel like I'm dead inside trying to put one foot in front of the other for the children.
He strolled in this morning at 3.30am with a big grin on his face and I physically threw up torturing myself over what he had been up to.
Sorry for the long post. I'm just lost. Embarrassed my marriage is over and I'm yet another statistic. My future has been ripped away, we wanted another baby next year.
Financially I'll be a mess. It'll destroy the kids. I just don't know what to do. I can't eat or sleep.
Mummies please give me some advice.

Anyone

See a solicitor and file for divorce on the grounds of adultery...

Well unreasonable behaviour is probably easier BUT either way rip the plaster off and deal with the shit storm rather than burying your head in the sand.

I'm so financially stretched at the moment I'm seeking a second job. I have no idea how much this is going to cost and we haven't even talked about what's going to happen with the house or kids. I just don't know what to do.

I feel your pain, my now ex husband left me for another woman 5 years ago, leaving me with our 1 year old and 3 year old.
I know you’ll hate hearing this right now, as I did back then, but you will be fine and once the practicalities of finances, divorce and child arrangements are sorted, you will come out of this a better woman.
For context, I met my now husband a year after my divorce and I can honestly say he is the best thing to ever happen to me and I am thankful to my ex husband for leaving because it’s shown me what I truly deserved and that was actual happiness.
Get to a solicitor, talk over your options.

Just as a tip, while adultery grounds for divorce seems like a good idea, it actually makes it more complicated. I would go for unreasonable behaviour (because it is not for anyone else including the judge to deem what is unreasonable). This means the divorce process won’t be stalled over evidence and it can be pretty speedy.
Mine was all done and disted within 5 months.

Get legal advice. Get organised with paper work. Why are you on the sofa. Can the children go in together and you get a room.

Start separating yourself from him. No cooking or washing. Make plans and ensure he does his parenting too.

I know how broken you feel right now. But you got to put a front on for him and the children.

You know it's going to be ok. Life is like that. It isn't easy. But a year from now you could be in your own home in peace. Just take it Day by day. Gather people around you. And get the support of your gp.

I was in your shoes almost a year to the day. I remember feeling all the things you have said. The only advice I can offer is allow yourself to feel all the things you do, it’s grief for what you thought your life and the lives of your children would be. A year on I’m no longer heart broken, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. I see my ex for what he was and is and know my dc and I are so much better off and happier without him (I wouldn’t have believed that back then).
I won’t lie it’s been tough, it still is but be true to yourself. As you negotiate child arrangements and finances remember you are as important as everybody else (happy mummy = happy kids), I made the mistake of trying to do the right thing by everybody to make it easy when my gut instinct told me differently. Now I have the confidence to know when enough is enough.
Surround yourself with genuine friends, ones who will be honest with you, those who will allow you to cry but who will also tell you to get your sh*t together. You are so much stronger than you know right now Sending 🤗

It's true it's not worth citing adultery.

On the finances front of you properly start living apart in the same house you can claim tax credits as a single parent. It means doing zero for him now shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning his room etc. Buy some locks for food cupboards and fridge. Put a claim in for maintenance.

Tax credits may put up resistance but persist "I am divorcing him, he is being abusive, we are living separately and I am trying to leave and I am in contact with woman's aid"

My concern is that, as a very stubborn man who is "always right" he won't leave the family home as he says that he won't ever leave his kids. And the thought that this can continue is killing me.
I've applied to see what I am entitled to financially and have a meeting this week - I don't know if I qualify as I "earn too much" although nowhere near enough to cover the mortgage on my own.
How can I make this easier for the kids when the conversation comes up? So far they don't know anything, I go to sleep after them and am up before them.
How can you navigate this when the pain is so much.
I've lost 10lbs in just over a week and I feel sick to my stomach constantly.

Sorry I sound so pathetic.
I know I am a woman that can do this by myself I've done everything in that house and for the kids since day 1. The running around, cooking, cleaning, ironing, working, school meetings. All of it I can do single handedly I'm not weak. I just feel so damaged and broken right now. I don't see a way of coping.

You get him out by divorcing him and removing all home comforts.

Yes you may have to sell the house.

Another possibility is a prohibitive steps order if he is/becomes abusive.

Aww sweetheart 💐

You are entitled to feel broken, what has happened is not your thought. Like others I was in your shoes 9yrs ago - there is light at the end of the tunnel & you will come back stronger Take the situation day at a time.

Try to eat just a little, you need your strength to look after the little ones.

Dig deep and find your anger so you can go into practical mode.

The grief is real and takes time

Turn your grief in to anger if you can. Put your energy into making this all turn around and bite him in the ass. Feeling for you. X

What do you mean you both wanted another baby next year? Absolutely ridiculous, bordering on irresponsible!!!

@Loaf90 As far as I was concerned our marriage was going well. I didn't see this coming. And now the choice of having my last baby has been taken away from me.

2littlechicks why would you want another baby? Enjoy the two dcs you already have.

Having another baby will not make your dh a better man !!!

@letsdolunch321
I know, I can see that now. But I really felt like our family wasn't finished and more addition would finish our family perfectly.
It's just another addition to the pain that the choice has been taken away from me now.
It's something else for me to get over.

@2littlechicks You will get over this heartbreak and pain you are experiencing.

As I said previously take this chapter a day at a time.

Please seek legal advice on what steps you can take regarding living arrangements. I didn’t have to go through this as ex moved out 4weeks after I found out about the affair.
Your children will surprise you. This was my biggest heartache and I had so many sleepless nights Thinking about telling them. They were very matter of fact about ex leaving Ive always been their primary care giver despite also being the primary earner so for them that didn’t change. I’m still their safe place and that will never change x

@AustinRd thank you. Honestly just hearing this does give me strength. I just can't fathom the impact as they grow up.
How long until I stop feeling sick? It's exhausting.

2littlechicks the sickness comes and goes if I’m honest. A lot will depend on how your ex behaves once your solicitor writes to him. I’d encourage you to try mediation to keep costs down but the sooner you accept you can’t control him only how you chose to react the better. I wasted too many tears asking “why” and the truth is I was trying to find logic in the illogical. I did nothing wrong, there nothing I could have done to change his actions etc. I’ve gone from a UK12 to and UK6/8 due to the stress but my ex has been very abusive and the anxiety made it impossible to eat. I have learnt that snacking is better than nothing and actually keeping your blood sugars level will help you mentally cope.

Your kids are a bit younger than mine but keep everything to yourself, be child centric but we willing to show that some days you feel sad too. X

This may be the last thing you'll want to hear but you need to be checked for sexually transmitted diseases as he's been cheating on you. I think if you're the resident parent primary caregiver he will be forced out and you'll get custody so see a lawyer stat!

EKGEMS good point I did this. It can all be done at home by post do no sitting in clinics. I was so grateful for this: sh24.org.uk/

@EKGEMS Oh god. I didn't even think of that. This hell doesn't end.