Very difficult situation

[atr79gb]

In August last year, my wife told me she didn't want to be with me just 12 days after my mother had passed away. During this time, she spent lots of time socialising with friends often returning home drunk. She also told me she was unable to have a physical relationship with me.

Even though she didn't want to be with me, she completely buried her head in the sand and refused to discuss any future arrangements for the children and finances. It's complicated by the fact that I have a good job and provide for her financially 100% (she doesn't work). Since the split, she hasn't made any effort to look for work.

I eventually filed for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Shortly after this, we decided to get back together which didn't work out.

I've told her I would like to continue with the divorce but would be happy to use softer reasons. However she clearly does not want to get divorced as her current lifestyle would have to completely change.

The problem I have is that with even with a divorce petition for softer reasons, she would most likely refuse to sign the papers. I understand that there are ways round this (e.g deemed service).

Personally I think the best way forward is to file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and accept that she will be unlikely to sign the papers.

Right now, I feel trapped. I'm essentially in a loveless 'relationship' and neither together or separated from my wife. I'm supporting someone financially who clearly doesn't love me. I feel completely unable to move on whilst I'm in this in limbo situation.

Of course, I'll speak to my solicitor. But I wanted to ask if anyone had found themselves in a similar situation.

How old are your children?

I think divorce is nearly always very difficult. But you seem very fixated on the financial support that you have given your wife, without any consideration to the support she has given you. I may be wrong, but presumably your wife has cared for the children, the home etc during the time you have ‘supported her financially ‘? It isn’t all one way! Perhaps, given all the time she has sacrificed her own career so that you could pursue yours, she’s reluctant to accept a quick divorce until she can get her ducks in a row and be able to support herself?

Just get on with the divorce, the longer you delay it the longer she’ll have no reason to look for independence. It’s unlikely to be easy at any time. Ultimately it’s very likely she’ll be expected to support herself once assets are splits

Press on with the divorce. She's using you. The process of divorce is always painful, but it is the way to a better future. Rip the band-aid off. Ultimately, the reasons for the unreasknable behaviour don't matter - so long as they're sufficient for a Judge to sign off on the divorce. And, as you say, you can push the process forward with or without her co-operation.

Thanks for all the replies. My children are 5 and 8.

I have absolutely no problem with working out a financial plan that is fair to both of us as well as custody arrangements for the children. In fact, we are very close to agreement on both of these things. I'm lucky enough to have a flexible job and working schedule that enables me to support the children during the week.

My concern is that whilst this we're in this in limbo situation, my life is basically on hold and there is no incentive for her to change the status quo. Things have been like this for 14 months so things clearly have to change.

As SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad mentioned, I do feel as if I'm being used. Sounds like the most sensible thing to do is press on with the divorce.

Have you closed all joint accounts and got her to set one up for her universal credit or earnings when she gets a job? If not this is a key part of separation. It may be that being cruel to be kind and cutting off the supply of your income may be the only way to make her see she does need to move forward...

Maybe focus less on the legalities of divorce and more on simply separating and putting the childcare and finance agreements into action. My ex was also divorce resistant but once we were physically separated I found it really didn’t matter. We didn’t divorce until about 6 or 7 years after we separated.

The papers are only seen by yourself and your solicitors and same on her side they aren’t made public

You can chose any option

Stupid suggestion maybe but my stbxh was very resistant to what I wanted to put down as his unreasonable behaviour but when I said he could write whatever fiction he wanted about me it was easy. I signed it and away you go.

Thanks for all your replies.

Otter71, that's an interesting idea, I was actually thinking about this the other day!

As things have gone on too long already, I'm not particularly bothered what the reasons are, it's more about getting the divorce and separation done.

If I were to ask her to file instead of me, after I've signed the papers, is there potential for her to delay things further down the line? Are there any advantages to being the respondent instead of the petitioner?

Also, does anyone have experience of having a deed of separation in place before the divorce?

Just trying to get everything sorted. I'll speak to a solicitor to get some advice. But one thing that concerns me is that if things turn bitter and she asks me to leave, this could harm my negotiating position as regards custody of the children and the house.

I want something that is fair to both parties but I want to make sure I'm not put in a disadvantageous position.

Don't be the respondent as she can delay.
She can ask you to leave, but if your name is on the property, you do not need to.
As PP have said, you can start separating finances and sort out other arrangements whilst this is going on. The sooner she accepts that she is likely to have to support herself, the sooner both of you can move on (and certainty is much better for the children).

Thanks for all your replies.

We've discussed the whole situation today.

I'm keen to get things moving as soon as possible.

One thing she suggested is potentially staying in the house. There is around £220K equity in the property. The difficulty she has is that she admits she would never be able to raise enough income to take on the mortgage herself. She has suggested I might have to pay 50% or even 100% of the mortgage. To be honest, I'm not sure if her sources are accurate or not.

Paying 100% of the mortgage would mean that 50% of my salary would be gone just on the mortgage and child maintenance. I would still need somewhere to live and bills etc. and support my children when they stay over (up to 50%).

It might just be me but it seems grossly unfair to be paying 100% of the mortgage for a property I no longer live in. I would be working full time whilst she is still refusing to work and support herself.

This would also mean that I wouldn't be able to access my equity for the next 13 years so it would be very difficult to get another mortgage until the house is sold.

It seems to me that a fairer solution would be to sell up and split the equity (50% of £220K). If she really wants to stay in the house, I have no problem in supporting this financially (within reason) but surely the mortgage should be in her name and not mine?

Its tricky. I think 50/50 split of finances is ok when you have parity of earnings.

However, you would maintain the highly paid career while your wife would be starting from scratch, presumably having but her career on the back burner in order to raise the children / so that you could further yours.

Taking this into account, I suspect she may ask for more / or a different kind of split.

My advice would be, difficult though it is, try to leave the emotion out of it and keep it factual if you can- the reasons for the split are not relevant to any financial settlement.

Good luck with it OP.

The mortgage should be in her name the question is how much maintenance you would need to pay to support her paying for it.

If there is significant disparity in wages like this there may be a case for spousal maintenance at least for a predetermined period whilst she retrains (obviously if she chooses to continue just doing nothing that shouldn't be an option, so try to make it dependent on her doing a specific course or something). The question is whether she would be able to manage that even then. Normally the equity split is on basis of needs and earnings potential so she may well get more than fifty percent.

You need proper legal advice not just what she tells you!

It’s likely she’ll get a higher than 50% split due to the inequality in earning but that doesn’t mean you’ll have to pay all or even half the mortgage! Most likely if she can’t demonstrate she can afford it it will be sold.

Maybe there will be an time bound limited spousal arrangement or something too

You cannot afford to not see a solicitor here

The grounds for divorce can be just about anything and that's way down your list of things to worry about. By all means agree the grounds so that things can stay as amicable as possible.

The finances will be trickier and you need to get a solicitor ASAP.

Do you have any pensions? Any other savings? These would need to taken into account.

A housing solution will be needed for you both and that might include you supporting your wife at a higher level for a few years until she can earn enough.

As I have seen from others it made sense to sell and go for the divorce not separation
Be mindful that fair but not stupid with the fairness as you might have hopefully a chance at happiness in the future.
Holding onto the house will most likely cause a sticking point.
She does not have to agree your grounds for divorce she does not have to sign mine didn’t but my lawyer asked and worded an email where by he got him to say he was going ahead with it and this was what was used.Infact this is the least of your issues.Get a good lawyer .
Children are resilient.
There is no reason why she cannot rent

See a solicitor and press onot with the divorce. No court gives a toss what the reasons are on the petition. I let my last husband divorce me because it saved me £1k on the petition and his whiny petition just made me laugh.

He thought somehow he had won by divorcing me but at the end of the day the house and everything was in my name so I saved money and got everything.
Anyway my story doesn't help you...press on with the divorce, get a good solicitor. The divorce will happen whether she is happy with it or not.
Staying amicable will save you money.

The mortgagee probably won’t agree to transfer the mortgage into her sole name because she can’t pay it. The court can’t make them. I would definitely see a solicitor for an initial advice session to get an idea of your realistic options and ask them to refer you to a good mediator so that you and your wife get some help to move on with sensible practical arrangements.

Thanks for all your replies.

Luckily, we've had a couple of false starts on the divorce already so I feel quite detached from the emotional side of it. Now, I simply want to get on with it. As I mentioned I previously filed for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and then agreed to water down the original reasons.

I'm trying to get an idea of realistic best and worst case scenarios and will then schedule another meeting with the solicitor.

I got divorced last year. I was advised that everything is split 50/50 and you negotiate from there with what you want.

My XH was a high earner i.e £50,000. I'm a low earner as PT because of the children £13,000. We both had to fill in Form E and document all our finances. You'll both need CETV for your pensions.

It was important to me to remain in the family home with the children- especially as one is disabled, but l had to prove to the mortgage company that l could afford it alone on my salary, benefits and maintenance.

I did look at a mersher order which would allow us to stay, but again l would have to prove l could afford to stay.

I think your XW has now realised that she will be a lot worse off so doesn't want the divorce to proceed.

She needs to face reality and start looking for employment and applying for benefits as a single person.

Good you getting legal advice. Yes she might want to stay in the house but realistically she might not be able to afford it.

Can she go back to work ? The children are in school so there is nothing stopping her,

Spousal maint isn't common anymore. She would be expected to find a job ( and she's had lots of time for it).

Personally I'd continue paying the bills for now but wouldn't give her 'play' money - if she wants that she needs to work.

How big is the house? Can you sell the house and get her a smaller one that meets the needs of her and the children?