Very difficult situation

[atr79gb]

In August last year, my wife told me she didn't want to be with me just 12 days after my mother had passed away. During this time, she spent lots of time socialising with friends often returning home drunk. She also told me she was unable to have a physical relationship with me.

Even though she didn't want to be with me, she completely buried her head in the sand and refused to discuss any future arrangements for the children and finances. It's complicated by the fact that I have a good job and provide for her financially 100% (she doesn't work). Since the split, she hasn't made any effort to look for work.

I eventually filed for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Shortly after this, we decided to get back together which didn't work out.

I've told her I would like to continue with the divorce but would be happy to use softer reasons. However she clearly does not want to get divorced as her current lifestyle would have to completely change.

The problem I have is that with even with a divorce petition for softer reasons, she would most likely refuse to sign the papers. I understand that there are ways round this (e.g deemed service).

Personally I think the best way forward is to file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and accept that she will be unlikely to sign the papers.

Right now, I feel trapped. I'm essentially in a loveless 'relationship' and neither together or separated from my wife. I'm supporting someone financially who clearly doesn't love me. I feel completely unable to move on whilst I'm in this in limbo situation.

Of course, I'll speak to my solicitor. But I wanted to ask if anyone had found themselves in a similar situation.

I agree.

It's completely the case that she has realised that she is going to be worse off financially so doesn't want to proceed with the divorce.

It sounds like taking on the mortgage isn't going to be feasible for her. Even with spousal maintenance, I think she would struggle to convince a mortgage lender that she can take on the payments. I was worried about a situation where I'm still named on the mortgage and have my equity tied up until my kids are 18 - but it sounds like the mortgage would need to be in her sole name.

She has had over a year to sort out a job but hasn't applied for anything. So, I think more delay just drags things on further. I just want to move on and sort things out now.

@yearinyearout - the house is a 2 bedroom place. There is around £220K equity so a split of that would be enough for her to put towards a new place or rent.

First of all you need to stop thinking that what she says ‘goes’ whether that’s about what the law says or what she wants. She can’t make you leave the house, and you shouldn’t (presuming everything you have said here is the truth of course).

Plough on with the divorce & do as someone else suggested, get separate bank accounts and pay the bills directly. Make sure there’s food in the house

She’ll have to work out how to fund ‘going out with friends’ & other stuff, she’s had over a year to st least try to get a job and she hasn’t bothered, she needs to realise you’re not a cash point.

Or if you want to stay in the house as it meets your needs, you could apply for the mortgage in your own right.

Our house had approximately £80,000 left on the mortgage with £220,000 equity. Because XH was 10yrs older then me l was able to get a mortgage for £105,000 and extend the term which made it affordable. I then gave him the £25,000 so he had "ready cash" to use as a deposit on a new place for himself.

He then kept all his pension which was off set against the equity in the house. So basically he got to keep his pension but had a lump sum in cash and l got to keep the house.

If she can't afford to take on a mortgage, why can't she rent? Nothing wrong with renting, and if she put her 50% on deposit and got a job, she might eventually be able to buy something in her sole name.

How significant is your pension as that has to be offset against equity.

Upshot is you have to press ahead with the divorce as if you follow the process you will get an outcome. No party tends to be happy with the outcome of divorce as both parties will be poorer but usually most people accept the settlement.

Talk to your wife, say you are pushing ahead and that she will need to seek legal advice as well. Once you start the ball rolling it does start to fall into place.

Experience of deed of separation - waste of time and money. By the time it was signed it was time for the actual consent order to be done at yet more expense. Just press on with divorce.

@Mystraightenersarebroken - my solicitor said the same

Thanks for all the advice.

I've got a return visit to the solicitors this week where I'll start planning what to do next.

As some people have suggested, what I would like to do is continue to pay for the mortgage and bills but insist that any money for my wife to go out etc would have to come from her own pocket.

I'll get some legal advice on this but is anyone aware of any complications in doing this?

I'd much rather use that money to do things with my kids and plan for mine and their future.

If you have flexibility at work can you not do 50/50 with the kids, you stay in the family home, take on the mortgage and your wife can leave with the equity.

what I would like to do is continue to pay for the mortgage and bills but insist that any money for my wife to go out etc would have to come from her own pocket

You can agree an amount based on current mortgage payments and bills but can't specify what it is used for. I am assume of your wife is sensible she will pay the Bill's.

If you however have to be named on the mortgage and you fear she won't prioritise payments to the house then you will need to get it transferred to her name as the liability will still be there.

Have you got a CETV of your pension as that will be needed in any settlement.

My XH said he'd pay the mortgage in lieu of child maintenance.

But... if he didn't pay the mortgage l am liable which would leave me vulnerable.

I could also still go to CMS which would leave him vulnerable.

And with that scenario we are still financially linked. You want a clean break consent order so you are not linked after divorce.

You can get divorced and still be financially linked....be very careful.

It was very important to my solicitor that we were not linked financially once divorced due to my XH dreadful financial management.

Again as I said earlier
Listen to prettypurse

Don’t do anything in lieu of maintenance! She will always be able to claim that regardless of anything else you’ve agreed

Thanks for all the replies.

I've got a meeting with the solicitors today so I'll find out some more information on realistic options for the finances, housing options and custody for the children.

Regarding custody of the children, I think the ideal situation is that we support the children 50/50. I think that's in the children's interests and that's been the case up until now so I don't see any reason for that to change.

My concern is that my wife has so far buried her head in the sand and is not in a position to support herself financially - she has no job or no car.

I don't want the financial situation to affect custody of the children. But if she is unable to make ends meet, where do we go from here? From what I've researched, courts tend to take a dim view of parents unwilling to support themselves.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I haven't but it was made clear to me that l would be expected to support myself.

My solicitor did try for nominal spousal maintenance of £1/yr as that would have kept that part "open" if l wanted to take him back to court for more ££ as DS1 is disabled and unlikely to be independent. However his solicitor contested it and I'm not interested in his money for me anyway.

A court ordered monthly amount has been awarded to me for ds1 for life if necessary anyway.

@preetyPurse could you kindly tell me more my daughter has life long disabilities it would be helpful

@PrettyPurse would you kindly tell me a little more my daughter has life long disabilities it would be helpful

Legally maintenance only has to be paid whilst the child is in FT education - so until approx 19yrs.

Ds1 is unlikely to be independent due to ASD.

We went to court and had a clean break financial order. My solicitor was extremely keen on that as XH is not very good with money and she didn't want him to be able to claim off me in years to come.

As part of that Court order, it was written in that he would pay maintenance for DS1 until he was financially independent. The "get out" clause being if XH retired or was unemployed then the level would need to be adjusted accordingly.

He also agreed that once ds2 was an adult, he would continue to pay me the same amount...i.e he would "increase" ds1 maintenance. So basically l would receive the same no matter how many children l had dependent upon me.

It was also written in that he'd pay half of school expenses i.e trips, uniform too.

The sticking point comes that after one year either of us could make an application to CMS as a Court Ordered maintenance is only valid for that one year.

Therefore it was written in the Court Order as an "undertaking" that neither of us would apply to CMS to change the agreement. If either of us did then the other could go back to court, and the offending party would be looked upon quite negatively as we had agreed it all previously.

The maintenance was at a aet amount but would increase as per inflation.

The downside to this was that if XH suddenly had a massive payrise, l could not claim more. However, for me knowing l had a set amount coming in - for as long as ds1 is dependent upon me - was preferable.

If you haven't lived together for 2 years, you can divorce on those grounds alone.

Read up on local law. My opinion is based on Scots law

Prettypurse thank you so much xx